14 sentiments shared

Paint It Black. Or Not.

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
I see a line of cars and they’re all painted black
With flowers and my love both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a new born baby it just happens every day
I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and it has been painted black
Maybe then I’ll fade away and not have to face the facts
Its not easy facing up when your whole world is black
No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the setting sun
My love will laugh with me before the morning comes
I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black

I heard this Rolling Stones song today. I always did like it, but then I love most of their music. My aunty loved it – she died young and it has always reminded me of her. Today it reminded me of life immediately after, and sometimes still, following Ava’s death.

I’ve spoken often about how “in the beginning”, in the weeks, even months, following Ava’s accident, I really believed nothing could ever be remotely joyous again. That every moment of every day would be clouded, aching, dread-full. Believe me, those moments still come…thick and fast. But I’ve also seen glimpses of a life that does include smiles and laughter along with the missing and the sadness. I’ve been told so many times by well meaning people “it never goes away, you just learn to live with it”…and truly, I found that terrifying at first. I see now that those people are right..it just becomes a part of us and we ever so slowly adjust and we might eventually create a new life, so different to what we’d planned..but potentially still a happy life. A different happy to what I knew happy to be before. It’s still quite hard to imagine but not absolutely impossible.

Unlike many other glib quotes, it actually is true that “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” But I’ve found it also makes you calmer. And kinder. And grateful. We still have much to be thankful for. I think we’ll always walk under a cloud. Sometimes it will be black. But then sometimes it’ll be nothing but pink.

So these are my thoughts at 7.29 on a Thursday evening. I will quite possibly read over this tomorrow and wonder where I found the optimism but I’m happy to share my thoughts as they come and go…good, bad, indifferent.

Tucked Away Under // Ava

20 sentiments shared

Mail Order Playmate.

I’m pretty sure Ivy thinks I can order up this little fellow…Once she found him, there was no going back. She’d try to flick a few pages further into the mag but inevitably, she’d return to the wee blonde one. She goes between staring with open mouth to saying “bah. bah.” Could it be love?

Anyone who has a 1 year old, or has photographed a 1 year old, or has tried to retrieve a contraband item from a 1 year old, will appreciate the sheer patience required for the one wielding the camera. The girl is quick. Out of 3943 images, this is as good as it gets.

Tucked Away Under // Family

14 sentiments shared

I love my letter box.

Once nothing more than a portal for bills, my letterbox now brings me comfort and joy on many days.
Yesterday I received two beautiful “care packages” from Jennifer and Susannah.

If you want something in printed form – a brilliant quote, a great article, a sweet poem – then Jen is your girl. Not only did she send through lots of great reading but also some beautiful artworks and a gorgeous handmade Mothers Day card. Yes, she made me cry like a baby for an hour after it arrived but the support that package held will carry me through many more minutes.  Thankyou sweetheart.

Then, late in the day, my postie outdid himself and dropped through another packet of goodness. A satchel from Susannah can only mean one thing. Mix tapes! Not one but many. For those born post 1990, you probably know them as “Compilation CD’s” but I like the oldskool feel of “mix tapes”. Susannah, your CD’s give me so much more than background music for my thoughts. I love that you care enough to make them up and then enough to actually post them. (See I’m not good at that bit so I’m always pretty impressed when someone else pulls it off!) Thankyou for your beautiful book. Thankyou for your thoughtful words. I know you despise “nice” but I’m afraid that’s what you slip into, just once in a while :p

So thankyou much, beautiful girls…Your packages could not have arrived on a better (or is it worse?) day.

Tomorrow, Saturday, we have an article being printed in the Gold Coast Bulletin about Ava and about parents coping with grief, particularly as Mother Day approaches. So if you’re in Australia, you might be able to order a copy if you’re interested.

Can I just say too that I owe emails to so many people. I love getting them but I’m not good at the reply bit very often…I’m sorry. Laureen, Sonia P, Tania R, Barb U, Sue B, Ebz, Kate A, K8, Rachel E…gosh I won’t remember everybody but I just wanted to say thankyou.. I’ll be in touch soon. xxxx

Tucked Away Under // Ava, Family, General

13 sentiments shared

These Three

Tucked Away Under // Ava, Family

7 sentiments shared

Kindness abounds.

Okay, I’m looking for a confession. Which sweet soul so generously paid for the sponsorship of Ava’s Memorial Site? I’m a bit embarrased putting this here but then how else can I thank the anonomous one? We are very touched and appreciative – it really wasn’t necessary but thankyou. I’ve had to have a big lesson in accepting kind gestures gracefully…not an easy feat for me but well, I’m trying.
So again, your lovely gift is obviously so appreciated, whoever you are, and if you can email me I’d love to thank you directly.
Love, Sheye, Crayton and Family.

Tucked Away Under // Ava