If I had to sum Ava up, that’s what she was. I read that the best way to honour someone you have lost is to take what characteristics you loved about them and adopt them yourself. Ava was so open, so loving, so sweet, but above all..so very happy. I can be more open, more loving, sweeter even, at a push :p, but happy? That’s hard. I do hope one day I can say I’ve found a new kind of happy – for my children, for her Daddy, for me…but most of all, for her.

I’m not sure I could ever forget what’s most important in life but just in case I ever do, I only need look at these photos to remind me – Ava had nothing more than plentiful love from those she loved. Surely that must be all that matters?

Three months or twelve weeks or eighty four days…and so on. 7 257 600 seconds have come and gone since our beautiful princess disappeared from our family and our future. Sure, we still include her, every single day, but there is a space at the dining table that can never be filled.

On February 1st, I stood in the front garden taking pictures of the boys and their friend and his dog. We were laughing as the dog tried to munch my camera and then Ava came home from kindy with Grandad. She came running through the garden and her face literally broke into the biggest smile when she spotted me. She just looked so incredibly happy. As she ran toward me, I snapped away and felt a little guilty that I was focused on capturing her more than hugging her but I couldn’t help it.

I love these pictures so much. Dressed in her favourite princess frock, they show her innocence, her joy, the remains of a chocolate surprise that came from Grandad on the way home, no doubt, and a spot on her forehead. (She came to me on Saturday morning and said “Mummy, what’s this?”, pointing to the offending spot. I said “Oh honey, that’s just a spot, it will go away”. And she said “But Mummy, I can’t be a princess with this spot”.)

I remember seeing the messy pony tails that kindy had done and thinking about a photo comp requiring pigtail pics – I decided these were way too slapdash for an entry and would wait until another day to capture them.

I replay this day and the next in slow motion, I remember so many little details and wish I could print out the images in my head. I hope they never, ever fade but I realistically know they will.

I’ve realized that part of the frustration and pain we feel is that when your children are with you, you get to distribute little bits of love to them, every single day. As parents, you sometimes feel your heart “swell” and just have to reach over and give your child a hug and tell them you love them. When you lose one, the love you have for them increases so dramatically, it’s immeasurable, but it has nowhere to go. I can’t dispense the love I have for Ava. It just sits inside, bursting at the seams, making it hard to breathe. Sometimes it slips out just a little with the tears but at the end of the day, she’s there and I’m here and there is so little comfort in between.

Thankyou for the memories, darling girl. Iloveyousomuch.

xxx