The Little Whiles
These are snaps from America, taken on the iPhone and edited with Eye Candy and forgotten about until today.
Which also reminds me, if you’re an Instagrammer, so am I now. After a year of being deathly afraid of it (imagining all sorts of randomness my children would upload), I’ve figured it out and am rather fond of it. Now I’m trying to entice the rest of the World to join in..for anyone who isn’t sure..go on, do eeet!
ps Don’t forget our Eye Candy Giveaway..Details here!
Tucked Away Under // FamilySay Something Sweet
You may have seen at FB, we’ve been giving away a place in each of our online workshops over the last few months. It’s always been my intention to offer photography workshops at an affordable price but to some, affordable means not at all so I genuinely love being able to give away a spot. We’ve met the loveliest of people because of it and every single one of them has brought so much to the workshop – I feel like it’s us who gets the gift! So, I’m now inspired to do a bigger and better giveaway. This is a wonderful opportunity for anyone starting out or perhaps those who are just needing a little inspiration. Of course it includes great things from Eye Candy but also some wonderful extras from businesses we know and love. From workshops, actions, one on one mentoring, branding, a website and great editing tools..All you need, right?
The lucky winner will receive:
- A place in any one of the Eye Candy Workshops online photography courses. Explore for beginners, Evolve for intermediate to advanced photographers or Enhance, a full post processing only workshop, will offer four weeks of inspiration, learning & creativity.
- The Eye Candy Actions Duo Set: The BeautyFull Set and The Vintage Roadtrip Collection including 100 delightful actions for Photoshop CS.
- A full photography portfolio critique from me! Advice about image selection, photography tips, website layout and more!
- Two hours online Photoshop CS mentoring with Fran Mackenzie..Eye Candy’s resident editing guru.
- A fantastic Blu Domain website and full 12 months hosting.
- A custom logo from the very talented Kim Drury at Madilu Designs.
- Storyboard from Code & Hustle: If you don’t already know about Storyboard, it’s a brilliant Photoshop Script that makes all that tedious storyboard & collage creation super simple and oh-so-quick.
- Batch from Code & Hustle: Just as the name suggest, another fantastic PS script that makes batch processing a breeze.
To enter, just like and comment at our Eye Candy Workshops Facebook page and then share this giveaway via your wall. That’s all! Winner will be drawn on March 9, Au time!Say Something Sweet
Orange County, CA | Jan 05 2012
“Joni Mitchell – “California”"
Write. Ponder. Fear. Share. Inhale.
To all who’ve commented here & at FB and emailed this past weekend, thank you. I have read each and every one of your beautiful words. One by one..all your kind, gentle replies. They’ve helped me believe that this is okay. And with pondering my words, and yours, I’ve spent time with Ava. For three days, I’ve thought so much of her and we’ve talked so much of her and I’ve cried for her. It isn’t enough, but it never has been. The day after she was gone..with her towel still hanging to dry and her shoes at the door, with pen to paper and a thousand memories flooding in, it wasn’t enough.
When I look back at that first year I think of the panic..a constant and all consuming fear that it could not be undone. The feeling of forever, the knowing I would never have her by my side again. At least not in this lifetime. Sometimes it would bring me to my knees, literally. Little by little though, I formed a new relationship with Ava. One based in honoring her and creating beauty in her name and sharing her. It was a poor substitute, but all I had and it helped fade the fear. If I could stay there I would but alas, nothing does remain the same. Except of course, my love for her.
Today I feel light-hearted and less afraid. I’ve not reached up to the top shelf holding my grief yet but I have stepped back far enough to see it again. I know there will be different ways to spend time with Ava, perhaps different paths to that place in my heart. In the soft sunlight, in the laughter of her siblings, in the start of a new day..I will seek her. To feel peace with the ebb and the flow is such a relief. For listening, for caring..thank you.
And thank you to Kristen, who shared this with me. It speaks loudly.
“Grief fills the room up of my absent child,
Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me,
Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words,
Remembers me of all his gracious parts,
Stuffs on his vacant garments with his form:
Then have a reason to be fond of grief.”
– William Shakespeare, King John
Say Something Sweet
I’m asked quite often why I don’t post anymore. In the normal World of a normal family, that would barely be worth mentioning. After all, it’s just a blog. To me though, this place is so much more. So much that I can’t even really explain and when you ask why I don’t spend time here now, I can’t really answer. I don’t know why. Or maybe there’s just lots of why’s and when I try to come up with one it all becomes a big jumble of something. Or other. So, here goes.
When I started blogging, back in the days of four children here with me, it was easy. For the three people who read my posts, I was perfectly happy sharing tidbits from otherwise unremarkable days..parenting stuff, cooking stuff, shopping stuff. Complaints about lack of sleep and juggling business with babies and yearning after Alannah Hill frocks. I never gave it any thought.
Then life..that uncomplicated, regular run of the mill life, turned upside down and for a very long time blogging was where I chose to pour out my aching soul. Sharing Ava, and sharing the sorrow, became so important to my grief process and the support of so many along the way made a difference. On my bad and badder days, I would put pen to paper, so to speak, and bare the brutality of a most unexpected life in the new Universe. Somehow, it helped. All that missing and yearning and endless wishing hung out for all to see. I never gave it any thought.
Then that life became familiar. A place where I have three children beside me and one in the Otherwhere. Five years. Tomorrow, it will be five years. We struggle to fathom. And you know, they were wrong. Time did make a difference. The unbearable suffering eased. The wailing quietened and then the tears fell softly. And, just as I’d feared, the tears stopped. I closed the door to her room. It’s still shut now.
I cannot explain the intense feeling of disconnection I’ve had from not just grief, but Ava too, over the last year. It’s so hard to admit that but it is the truth. And I hate it. For the longest time, I’ve been aware of my grief tucked up on the top shelf. I can’t even see it, but I know it’s there. I wish I could reach it. I just don’t know how.
The logical part of me knows this could be ‘normal’. Maybe the book says it’s what happens at four years. And five. And the rest. But what if I don’t want that? I miss my time with her. I miss the days she was here and I miss the days I lay on her bed sobbing with the wanting, the desperate wanting, for her to be by my side. I don’t feel I have a place for her anymore. Yes, her physical things are here. Her bed is still here. Her books and her clips and her shoes..they are here. But the space in my heart where I promised she’d stay? I’ve lost the way to it.
So if you ask me to share my thoughts, I feel afraid. How do I say my grief feels distant? That she feels faraway? To admit she’s not right here, front and center, every day. From a place of such pain and suffocating sorrow, how can that be?
For now, I will shake my head in disbelief, still.
I will know that some things can not be explained.
I will know that I could have done better.
I will know that it wasn’t my fault.
I will know that some days, it will all be my fault.
I will keep her pictures on the wall.
I will speak her name.
I will wait to dream of her.
I will try to write of her.
And I will keep searching for a way back to my darling Ava.
xxSay Something Sweet