85 sentiments shared

Flotsam. Jetsam.

So, our World alters again.  It’s a strange thing..to adjust to being un-pregnant after I hadn’t really adjusted to being pregnant yet.  The enormous hormone shift, the subsequent headaches, the packing away of pregnancy magazines and the non discussion of baby names..what a difference a week can make.  On top of where we’ve been, in some ways it feels almost predictable – we’ve had so much disappointment but then there is no avoiding the sadness.  This is unchartered territory for us, having never had so much as a scare in any previous pregnancy..but the statistics do say one in five.   It’s hardly like me to follow the rules though so I shall remain shocked and bewildered, none the less.  It also brings such sorrow to know so many of you have shared this experience.   While the books say miscarriage is a normal event, it feels anything but normal to hopeful parents in the middle of planning a life with their new baby.  It feels unkind and unfair and unfathomable.   And it makes me feel like flotsam and jetsam..debris that floats around on top of the ocean, at the mercy of nature, without control.

Alongside the bewilderment though sits a deeper appreciation for those pregnancies we’ve seen through from start to finish.  Such gratitude for having known what forty weeks of anticipation feels likes and to have met babies at the end of it.   I’ve spent a good part of this past week staring at Luca, Mason and Ivy and just marveling that they are even here.  To have knitted them together and birthed them perfectly.  To see them grow and giggle and love.  What. a. gift.  So many people  do not get that chance.    We are lucky and we take hope in knowing we got this far.

Other things I am grateful for today:

Teaching our children resilience.   I love that they learn first hand that life is not always fair but to never give up.
My amazing, amazing husband who has not let go of my  hand since 03 Feb 2007 and held it just a little tighter this past week.
Friends..seen, unseen, life-long,  never-met.    I am so very blessed.
Spring.   Everything feels better when the sun is shining..even whilst carrying the heaviest heart.

These images, they’re about what surrounds me right now.  The haze and the beauty and my absolute adoration for the babies we see, and those we don’t.

As always, you have all been fireflies on my darker days and I can only say thank you..so much.

Sheye x

Tucked Away Under // Family

253 sentiments shared

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us.”
- Charles Dickens

10.43am.  Monday.

He said,
“Sheye, come in.”
I went in.  With Crayton.
We sat down.
“Hello Doctor.”
“Hi. Jump up there, we’re doing a scan today, aren’t we?”
“We are.”
I jumped up there.
On the bed.
Doctor began to scan.
And scanned a little more.
And a little more after that.
A little too much scanning actually.
And too many seconds ticking by.
Gosh, it was quiet.
And so very still.
I put my arm above my head and searched for Crayton’s hand and drew in my breath and stared at the ceiling.
The quiet seconds kept ticking by.
While I waited to exhale.
Doctor said, eventually,  “It’s not looking very good right now”.
But we already knew that.
Pack away hopes.
Insert sadness here.

I wish with all of my heart I wasn’t sharing this news.  I wish the terrifying ‘what if’s’ were still just that.   Wish as I might though, it seems our very much wanted pregnancy has ended.

I know all of the happiness you’ve showered on us will be replaced by equal sadness and disappointment but please know, even with the sorrow we feel right now we’re still facing forward and we’re still so very grateful for nine weeks and five days of bliss and we’re sure there will be a perfect time for our perfect baby.   Everything will be okay.

With love,
Sheye x

Tucked Away Under // Family

21 sentiments shared

This Much is True.

1.   I’m in a tizz. August was big. Really big. All sorts of good, happy and amazing big but getting on top of it?  Ah, not yet.  I still have so much email waiting and beautiful photos to add to the Ava’s Tea Party gallery and so many posts to share..is it really September already?

2.   I miss my camera.  The flurry of extra activity of late has meant I don’t spend much time taking photos.  These above?  A five minute grab this week with theee Worlds most bossy, uncooperative and fleeting subject.  I quite like them anyway.  And her, for that matter.

3.   I’m perma-hungry.   Not really qualifying as true morning sickness, I have just enough queasy to make me go on a never ending search for snacks..none of which are leafy or green.   Brilliant.

4.   I’m celebrating.   Tomorrow is my birthday and also Fathers Day here in Australia..the first time they’ve landed together and I do love that.  We’ve both already got our perfect gift :)

5.   I’m all-a-giddy. I have so many new projects in the works that are not too far off launching and I’m a little bit excited to show you.  Not long now :)

6.   I do think this is sweet. (Thankyou Sus).

xx

Tucked Away Under // Family

44 sentiments shared

Disbelief {Day Sixty}.

Where did you come from, baby dear?
Out of the everywhere into here.

A long time ago, I heard and loved those words.  I tucked them away and often over the past three years they’d come to mind while I hoped.  And waited.

It’s all still so completely surreal.  Even as I approach my tenth week, I cannot wrap my mind around being pregnant.  I thought a good blood test result would make it real.  And then maybe a scan?  Or a second scan perhaps?  The gift of booties, the discussing of baby names..A little morning sickness, a lot of exhaustion..maybe my expanding self would tell me it’s true?   But no, while all those things happen right before me, my mind cannot connect the dots and I’m still waiting to fathom.    I hesitate to share anything about any of it..what if what if what if?  But then I don’t want to get to 40 weeks (please God) and have let it all slip by without daring to notice.   So, I will.  I will share the exciting bits and the nervous hopes and keep trying to believe.

For all of my disbelieving happy, I don’t ever want to forget what it took to get here.  It’s a huge part of this little persons journey and it’s what makes me so incredibly grateful, beyond anything I’ve known.  To every person who shared their own experiences with infertility, thank you.  And for those who are still hoping, I am wishing for you with all I have.  I asked a nurse back at the start, “Are there some people who just don’t succeed with IVF?” (I was new to this, remember..)  She told me that yes, there was, but persistence would be the key and it really was just a matter of time for most people.  To me, that was a solid assurance that we’d get our wish.  Just time and persistence.  Easy.   What I didn’t know then was that persistence is another term for enduring the impossible for time unknown and it actually runs out.  Kaija commented that I’d shared how infertility is like grief in reverse.  And yes, I think it is.  I often considered how we were yearning for someone we had yet to meet…wishing and missing and all of those things that we already knew on a different level.  It was a familiar despair.   While I move into a new period involving obstetricians and due dates and birth choices, I still carry everything that went with three years of getting here.   It’s a strange transition.

These two images, I took them on the way to finding out I was pregnant.   They wrap up my feelings on that morning..the quiet and the pensiveness  and the heavy, heavy blanket of hope.   The moments of a defining day.

What has been amazing and real is sharing our news and being showered in such happiness this past week.  Your genuine joy and your excited shrieks and happy tears means so much to me, thank you :)

In answer to how the kids took the news..they are all so excited.  It’s the first time we’ve had children old enough to really understand what a new baby means and Luca couldn’t sleep the first night after we’d told him.  He’s really wanted this, not so much for himself but for us..his competitive nature means he feels like we’ve finally won.  Mason loves babies and dearly wants it to resemble Boo from Monsters Inc.  He even asked if we can dye it’s hair dark if it comes out blonde.  Ivy of course is just so thrilled at the idea of a living doll but did say if it’s a boy she won’t help with diaper changes.   She’s also got some interesting name suggestions, such as Spike.  And Boy Candace.

I have so many things to show you..after three years of fantasy shopping online, I have quite the stash of treasures waiting to be made mine.  If only we knew the gender.. (Neutral schmeutral…no lemon onesies here).  I will try hard to wait for another few weeks before I begin showering you with links to impossibly gorgeous nurseries.    Except for that one..I’d best get it out of the way now.

With love and giddy excitement,
Sheye

xx

Tucked Away Under // Family

19 sentiments shared

Blue Skies and Clouds.

In my parallel Universe, I’m going to tell you about our amazing tea party this past weekend. I’ll be sharing the details of a day filled with sunshine and cuddles and sweet music. Of remembering and honoring and yes, giving thanks for what remains. Of course there will be mention of spotty plates and fairy lights and a whole lot of simple joy. In my hopeful heart and mind, this is what I’d dreamed up in the weeks before August 22nd.

And then came Sunday. Not just Ava’s birthday but also the day we’d marked for Ava’s Tea Party. The sun did in fact decide to shine and I unpacked the spotty plates. The fairy lights were strung up and pink lemonade chilled. And then, little bit by little bit, the clouds crept in. I don’t mean outside..the sky still appeared just as blue but my hopeful heart was sinking. I tried to focus on the lovely afternoon we’d planned but, as is the way with grief, there was no skirting and the tears fell. I wanted to cherish. I thought of all the other people around the World doing just that..taking time and making moments and appreciating but it made little difference. For all the beauty laid out on a floral tablecloth, I felt so lost in what should have been.

So, this year our Ava’s Tea Party meant Cheezels and cupcakes at sunset with the kids..out under the big tree with nothing remotely fancy. It wasn’t quite what I’d planned but it’s how it was. Of course, seeing the effort so many people went to, part of me wanted to be sharing something amazing with you. What I want more though is to be honest and say it was just a really difficult day.  A day that was more about wishing than cherishing but that is just is life without Ava and I don’t want to pretend that it’s always about being grateful. Some days, regardless of the plan and the anticipation and the good intention, it’s just all about the missing.   It. Just. Is.  And nor would I change it.

Please know, what has helped so much is seeing all the gorgeous images being shared at Facebook (feel free to add me if you’d like to see..until I move them into the ATP gallery).  Thank you, thank you, so very much to everyone who participated in Ava’s Tea Party this year.  It truly makes a difference every time I see a photo of a group of giggly children enjoying their pink milk or having cuddles with their Dads or making a mess with cupcakes and mud.   And for those who didn’t lay out pretty china or take photos but instead just paused to think of Ava, it means just as much.   Just one more heart-felt thank you to the amazing businesses who supported our dreams for Ava’s Tea Party this year…we are just so very grateful.  We’ve also been totally and utterly overwhelmed by email this past week so as much as I really do want to reply individually, I’m not sure I’ll be able to..please accept this as our personal thanks.

Here are a couple of photos I did take of our little gathering..and yes, that is an American flag we have in the garden :)  Thank you to Aunt V for sending the beautiful cupcakes around.

Finally, we have a winner for the Ava’s Tea Party illustration..in chronological order of comments over a couple of posts, our winner is the beautiful Lauren Casto.

I do have lots of posts waiting for all manner of things..I’ll be back rather soon.
Love and much appreciation, to all of you.

xx

Tucked Away Under // Ava, Family