I’m asked quite often why I don’t post anymore.   In the normal World of a normal family, that would barely be worth mentioning.  After all, it’s just a blog.  To me though, this place is so much more.   So much that I can’t even really explain and when you ask why I don’t spend time here now, I can’t really answer.  I don’t know why.  Or maybe there’s just lots of why’s and when I try to come up with one it all becomes a big jumble of something. Or other.   So, here goes.

When I started blogging, back in the days of four children here with me, it was easy.   For the three people who read my posts, I was perfectly happy sharing tidbits from otherwise unremarkable days..parenting stuff, cooking stuff, shopping stuff.   Complaints about lack of sleep and juggling business with babies and yearning after Alannah Hill frocks.  I never gave it any thought.

Then life..that uncomplicated, regular run of the mill life, turned upside down and for a very long time blogging was where I chose to pour out my aching soul.  Sharing Ava, and sharing the sorrow, became so important to my grief process and the support of so many along the way made a difference.  On my bad and badder days, I would put pen to paper, so to speak, and bare the brutality of a most unexpected life in the new Universe.  Somehow, it helped.  All that missing and yearning and endless wishing hung out for all to see.  I never gave it any thought.

Then that life became familiar.  A place where I have three children beside me and one in the Otherwhere.  Five years.  Tomorrow, it will be five years.  We struggle to fathom.   And you know, they were wrong.  Time did make a difference.  The unbearable suffering eased.  The wailing quietened and then the tears fell softly.    And, just as I’d feared, the tears stopped.  I closed the door to her room.  It’s still shut now.

I cannot explain the intense feeling of disconnection I’ve had from not just grief, but Ava too, over the last year.  It’s so hard to admit that but it is the truth.   And I hate it.  For the longest time, I’ve been aware of my grief tucked up on the top shelf.  I can’t even see it, but I know it’s there.  I wish I could reach it.  I just don’t know how.

The logical part of me knows this could be ‘normal’.  Maybe the book says it’s what happens at four years.  And five.  And the rest.  But what if I don’t want that?    I miss my time with her.  I miss the days she was here and I miss the days I lay on her bed sobbing with the wanting, the desperate wanting, for her to be by my side.  I don’t feel I have a place for her anymore.  Yes, her physical things are here.  Her bed is still here.  Her books and her clips and her shoes..they are here.  But the space in my heart where I promised she’d stay?  I’ve lost the way to it.

So if you ask me to share my thoughts,  I feel afraid.  How do I say my grief feels distant?  That she feels faraway?  To admit she’s not right here, front and center, every day.  From a place of such pain and suffocating sorrow, how can that be?

For now, I will shake my head in disbelief, still.
I will know that some things can not be explained.
I will know that I could have done better.
I will know that it wasn’t my fault.
I will know that some days, it will all be my fault.
I will keep her pictures on the wall.
I will speak her name.
I will wait to dream of her.
I will try to write of her.
And I will keep searching for a way back to my darling Ava.

xx

A week out from Christmas already? Wow! An enormous thank you to every person who has contributed to a wonderful year for Eye Candy.  Fran and I have had the busiest twelve months with back to back workshops, including the introduction of our new Enhance Post Processing Workshop.  Our lovely Eye Candy Community has continued to grow and we’ve spent time with some truly beautiful people..we feel very lucky indeed :)

We’ve had numerous emails asking for gift vouchers for actions and online workshops and I’ve added them to the store today.  For those looking for last minute gift ideas, these may just be the easy answer!  You can download a gift certificate for Our next Explore Workshop (Beginners) runs from Feb 01, 2012 and Evolve (Intermediate – Advanced) starts on March 12, 2012.  Please email Fran at info@eyecandworkshops.com for further information.

Finally, a small gift by way of $15 discount off any single or duo action set or workshop registration from now thru December 26.  Please enter the code joy-11 at checkout!

Wishing every one of you a peaceful holiday with your loves..

Sheye xx

For three days only, Eye Candy Actions are on sale!
Enter CANDY15 at checkout for $15 off any pack! (Applies to both single and duo pack).

Images 1-3: Jo Bartholomew and 8: Fran Mackenzie

I always was a warm weather girl.  As a child, I loved everything the sunnier months brought – bbq’s by the creek with family, hours spent on the slip n slide,  ice-cream.  At 18, when I moved to the Gold Coast (Australia’s answer to Miami), the warm weather meant the beach every day and parties at night.   I married beside the ocean in beautiful sunlight and as a mother, I loved watching my own babies play outside in Summer,  soaking up the sunshine and goodness.   As Winter rolled around each year, I’d miserably shiver my way through an unbearable three months, all the while searching for an alternative to Havianas.  The cold, it’s just not me.

And then came the Summer of 2007, beginning like every other Australian Summer and ending like nothing we’d ever known.  The loss of our darling Ava.  Instantly and dramatically, my love of warmer weather was no more.  It became the other 9 months of the year that I found unbearable.    Grief just brings such incredible sensitivity to the most normal of things and  when the sun shone brightly,   I struggled to even step outside.

To sit out in the sunshine today..a simple nothing that felt like a simple everything.  Like so many other moments in a strange journey.  When it’s hard, it feels impossible but sometimes easy feels impossible too.  Along the way, I want to share my days and my photos and my thoughts with you..and I want to tell you how the ordinary is still anything but ordinary but then I hesitate.  The truth is, I sometimes struggle to know how to include Ava.  Not in our day to day life..there she nestles comfortably in our conversations and memories.  It’s here, I wonder. Where I once wrote pages through the tears and shared without thinking, I now sit in hesitation wondering what even makes sense.  It’s hard when I share only random snippets of  life.  I’m not sure if it seems disjointed. Do my stories of life with grief seem out of place in the every day?  

The thing is, I can’t do smalltalk. If you know me in real life, I much prefer real conversation. I can’t make stuff up. It’s the same here. I want to keep it real but still share the everyday and then I’m back to the bit where my every day still looks different to most.   My every day is not like it was before Summer 2007 and it’s not like it was for a long while after. It’s something different again..and yes, it’s largely about the balance of sorrow and gratitude but it’s also about raising children and wanting more children and dreaming with my love and taking photos and time with friends.  It’s about everything that I knew with Ava and everything I’ve learned without her and trying to move forward but never wanting to forget.  If it seems disjointed, it’s probably because it is.   When your days and your relationships and all your waking thoughts are filtered with a different and sometimes complex perspective, it takes work to turn that into everyday words. I can’t take the filter off and I wouldn’t want to but still, sometimes it’s kind of hard to see out. 

Thanks for waiting on the other side.

Sheye xx

Lately I’ve been struggling to keep time aside for my own creative pursuits and it’s been ever so frustrating.  Amidst a business that completely surrounds all things creative, I still end up with so little opportunity to explore the things that really inspire and motivate me.   Probably because when I’m not running the creative business, I’m buried underneath other business.. family business or school business or renovation business.   Oh, and did I ever mention we also have a childcare center?  That we do.

And another not so small something..you know when I said I was thinking of moving on from making babies?  Or trying to make babies? Well I didn’t.  I haven’t.  In a four year long moment of insanity, it seems I’m not yet able to let go of that particular wish and each babyless month continues to roll around while I continue to visit the doctor or the clinic or the acupuncturist, lugging along a confusing jumble of hope and resignation and frustration..all wrapped up in a heavy layer of meh.    If I ponder it too long I feel 1000 degrees of unstable so lets not.

My point is that much of my week is spent juggling a lot of balls, all of which I have a great deal of passion, good help and only just enough time for.  Generally, I manage okay.   I wouldn’t say I’m the most structured person on the Planet and every day is just about crossing off the things that absolutely have to be done but I seem to get from A to B with my sanity in tact most of the time.   Do I think there is a better way?  Hell yes.  Am I  going to pull that off any time soon?  Twice over, Hell no.  So I just accept the crazy that seems to be our lives and appreciate the good things that come out of the madness.  The trouble with this is that in the midst of trying to being efficient and organized and positive there are many days where I find I barely resemble myself anymore. Where a ponytail is essential and somehow a balanced meal is not.

So, I’ve gone and done something that feels awfully indulgent, but so very right.   I’ve taken back Thursdays.  Yes yes, I’m putting aside one day a week that belongs to me.  Not the busy, stretched, distracted, whats-next-on-the-list-me but the other one.  The girl who used to lie under the sprinkler outside, listening to The Doors.   Her.  I leave all of the grown up things back at Wednesday night and for just one day, I hang out.  I have hot chocolate with my sister.  We order nachos.  We reminisce and dream and sometimes we laugh so hard nothing comes out.  We swap Canon and Nikon.  We play with film.  Or Instagram.  It doesn’t matter.  We talk to strangers and we ask to take their photos and no one’s ever said no.  We’ve had massages and we’ve explored the dollar stores and we’ve tracked down the house we lived in as toddlers.  We drive with no set destination and no schedule and eventually, someone has to ring us to say come home.

It took me so very long to justify this time in my week..years actually..and now I can’t imagine it not being there.   So you, all of you frazzled working mothers, sahm mothers, self employed business owners,  dedicated employees,  stressed out students..I think we should all take back a day in our week.  If it feels hard to do, it isn’t.  Really, it isn’t.  It’s actually much harder to get by without it.   No matter how important your role in whatever realm, I’m inviting you to set aside something for yourself.   Your self will pay you back ten fold.  What say you?

xx

In June this year, we excitedly launched our latest Eye Candy Workshop – Enhance.  This is an intensive  three week online workshop designed for the beginner to intermediate photographer wanting to explore digital processing using Photoshop.   We’re running it again this November and registrations are now open!

Some of the topics covered will include:.

Setting up your Workspace
Menus and Tools
Creating a logical workflow
Layers, Masking and Blend Modes
Identifying and resolving image issues
Working with skin-tones
Easy image enhancement
Working with Photoshop Actions
Developing a consistent editing style
Correct cropping and resizing
Shortcuts
Adding polish
Color settings
Creatively displaying your images online

The workshop is designed to run at your own pace with comprehensive videos and written tutorials uploaded daily.  You will also have access to an interactive forum to share images, ask questions and receive peer feedback.    Co-facilitated by Fran Mackenzie, Enhance explores a variety of Photoshop methods, tips and tricks based in a logical workflow to give you the best possible editing outcomes with your images.  

The Enhance workshop will run in November 2011 and is $345 AUD per person.  We are able to offer payment plans for those interested.  Places are limited.  If you would like to register your place, you may do so here.  Previous Eye Candy students do not need to register and may go directly to the purchase page here.  If you have further questions, please email Fran at info@eyecandyworkshops.com.

Testimonials from Enhance Participants, June 2011:

I feel like this has been one of the most important photography workshops I have taken to date.  I am amazed at how much I learned and how “unlocked” photoshop feels to me. I had so many “aha! THAT’S how you do it!” moments I can’t even count.   I was extremely impressed with the amount of information shared with us, the way it was presented, and how absolutely thorough it felt (to me). Once again, everyone was very friendly and helpful. :) I really enjoyed the videos, they really brought the material in the modules together and helped with the practice. Thank you, Fran and Sheye for another wonderful and meaningful workshop!   Catherine Runyan

I actually feel comfortable using Photoshop now. I don’t quake with fear when I open it any more…! The videos made HEAPS of difference to me. Early on I had the videos on the laptop and I had PS open on my desktop and I followed along. It was perfect. It was so nice to put voices to the words and faces too!     Jane Dando

The modules and the videos were very informative and presented in a way that made it fun to learn. Sheye & Fran, you are both superstars at photography and Photoshop and i am extremely happy that i was able to participate in this workshop and learn from you both. Thank you so much!      Carissa Campbell

I liked that the learning was multi-faceted, with reading material, videos and tasks. This meant that applying the knowledge was much easier than just reading and assuming you understood what was meant to happen… Thank you for being so generous with your knowledge and allowing others to share in your thoughts and workflows. I am so much more efficient, skillful and knowledgeable on PS and know that doing the workshop will enhance my life in so many ways – better photos, less stress, more free time… and the list goes on. xx    Jodie Vass

I found everything about the workshop to be relevant and useful. All Eye Candy workshops have a great feel to them and a wonderful supportive atmosphere.   It is great that we can all learn from each others questions and the fact that responses from the two of you were so prompt, there was a real sense of momentum. I am thrilled with what I have learned and to have a fantastic printed resource sitting in my bookcase beside the computer is brilliant. Having seen the videos as well, I feel much more confident. Thanks so much for all you have taught me. I love growing as a person and the three Eye Candy Workshops I have done this year really have helped me grow as both a photographer and a woman. The friendships I have made are an added bonus to this wonderful experience.    Mish Mackay

Enhance has been nothing but inspiring and I cannot believe that you are both so helpful and willing to share. I love that about you!! I am happy to say since Evolve I have made some wonderful friendships and I am so proud to say that you are both set in stone in my photography journey x  Cassie Van Baak

The Enhance experience was just like other Eye Candy Workshops, where Sheye and Fran not only share so much new knowledge, but also provide such a kind and supporting environment to learn in. And as they say, like attracts like, and Eye Candy Workshops always seem to be filled with participants as lovely as the facilitators, and this truly makes it special : )   Sharlene Britton

We do hope you can join us!
Sheye & Fran xx

ps: Just a quick reminder that the Evolve Workshop begins on October 3rd.  We will be emailing all participants in the next couple of days so please keep an eye out!

It’s so wonderful  to see this beautiful family growing and do you know what I love about three?  Three is where you have a fair idea about what you’re doing.  Lets face it, the first is amazing, but also rather shocking.  Two kind of doubles the shock, for at least a little while.  Then it starts to fall into place and by the time three arrives, you’re just all kinds of whatever and while the sleeplessness and the feeding challenges may not get any easier, at least you’ve pretty much forgotten what that other life looked like.   This is my own experience anyway and spending time with Marissa and David last month after Frankie the third arrived..I got the same feeling all over again.  He’s divine, they’re relaxed, it just all looks way too wonderful from over here.   (I should mention that David does in fact have three older babies so Frankie gets to bathe in the total mellowness that is a Dad of six).

Thankyou, sweet little family, for letting me hang out with you.

Sheye xx

When I first met you, I was an early twenty something.  I was impressionable and you, you were all things impressive.  I marveled at your glamor, I swooned at your glossy stores.  You were the same as home, but different.  Calvin Klein t-shirts for under fifty dollars?  A whole restaurant serving only vegetarian food?  Cirque de Soleil in Vegas and sugary bignettes in the French Quarter.  Sunny walks through San Francisco.  Needless to say,  I fell rather hard for your amazing self and then, well,  it was over.  Ten days later and I made my way back to the simpler life.

Fifteen years on, I’d mostly forgotten our love affair.  I’m sorry.  Life got busy.  I grew up, a bit.  I found another love and we made four children and honestly, I had no plans to meet up with you again.  Fate however, guided me back and one Summer day,  I found myself strolling through Laguna Beach.  Surrounded by breath-taking Spanish architecture and late afternoon sunlight, my heart swelled while I declared that I had found my Heaven on Earth.  I dreamed out loud of spending every day with you.  I soaked you up and I embraced the other you I hadn’t seen through younger eyes.  Your natural beauty.

It wasn’t just me though, we all fell for your charms and between then and now have returned more than once.  Every time, we travel further, we discover more.   We return to the same community where we’re welcomed in by our neighbors and little by little, you have become our home away from home.   And every single day, when the light drops over that ocean, my heart swells all over again and I ponder how it feels to be really and truly in love with you.  I know there’s more of you to see, so much more.  I dream of Summer road-trips though the desert and meandering down Madison Avenue in Winter.   We both know that Australia will always be my first love,  but you will always live in my heart as the refuge that gave us hope for a happy future when our present was nothing but unbearable.  You offered sunshine through the clouds and a place to create new memories with our children.  You helped us find a way forward.

This past weekend, we’ve never felt closer, or further away from you.  Watching one of your darkest days retold from the safety of our lounge-rooms, we’re so awfully sad for you and we’re so filled with pride seeing how you have rebuilt.   Your loss is big, but your strength is bigger.  You’re an amazing example of resilience and unity and today, you make us very very grateful for the luxury of freedom.  To sleep safe in our beds and to spend simple days at the beach with our children.  America, we think you’re pretty special and just wanted to tell you so.

Love Always,
Sheye x

The lead up to Ava’s Tea Party is really big for me.  All sorts of big.  I want it to be amazing, I want everyone in the World to stop what they’re doing and participate, I want it to matter. And to so many of you, it does. Words can’t express how it feels to see the stream of beautiful tea parties images, or to hear tales of family gatherings and cuddles. To know that Ava’s Rule is being shared and that our girl is being remembered. It is incredible and it is comforting.  And yes,  it is big.  And then, behind all that, lies the strange, quiet hum that persists throughout the planning and the emailing and the baking.  (Well, other people’s baking).  Sometimes it gets really very loud and then I’m lost in what should be. Not tea parties and everyone else hugging their eight year olds. That should be me. I can’t see past just missing my daughter and wondering how we got here. Then, someone will send a beautiful photo of a pink sky.  Someone will tell me how Ava’s Rule helped their child.  Someone, some thing, will remind me that Ava’s Tea Party is worth it and it’s making a difference and it means so much to so many families – not just ours.   It’s an endless see-saw of emotion and honestly, getting to the other side is just a little bit of a relief.

This year, the weather meant our simple plans for a family gathering were relocated indoors last minute. I didn’t really have an ideas for pretty decor – I’m no party planner so it really was just an gathering of little bits I already had along with home made and store bought treats.  We marked her day and we shared happy conversation and we took time to show love for those we love.

Thank you to every one of you who sent support this year, one way or another, and especially to those of you who joined in with Ava’s Tea Party.  Lets do it again next year, shall we?  :)

Love and gratitude, always.

Sheye x