Where did you come from, baby dear?
Out of the everywhere into here.

A long time ago, I heard and loved those words.  I tucked them away and often over the past three years they’d come to mind while I hoped.  And waited.

It’s all still so completely surreal.  Even as I approach my tenth week, I cannot wrap my mind around being pregnant.  I thought a good blood test result would make it real.  And then maybe a scan?  Or a second scan perhaps?  The gift of booties, the discussing of baby names..A little morning sickness, a lot of exhaustion..maybe my expanding self would tell me it’s true?   But no, while all those things happen right before me, my mind cannot connect the dots and I’m still waiting to fathom.    I hesitate to share anything about any of it..what if what if what if?  But then I don’t want to get to 40 weeks (please God) and have let it all slip by without daring to notice.   So, I will.  I will share the exciting bits and the nervous hopes and keep trying to believe.

For all of my disbelieving happy, I don’t ever want to forget what it took to get here.  It’s a huge part of this little persons journey and it’s what makes me so incredibly grateful, beyond anything I’ve known.  To every person who shared their own experiences with infertility, thank you.  And for those who are still hoping, I am wishing for you with all I have.  I asked a nurse back at the start, “Are there some people who just don’t succeed with IVF?” (I was new to this, remember..)  She told me that yes, there was, but persistence would be the key and it really was just a matter of time for most people.  To me, that was a solid assurance that we’d get our wish.  Just time and persistence.  Easy.   What I didn’t know then was that persistence is another term for enduring the impossible for time unknown and it actually runs out.  Kaija commented that I’d shared how infertility is like grief in reverse.  And yes, I think it is.  I often considered how we were yearning for someone we had yet to meet…wishing and missing and all of those things that we already knew on a different level.  It was a familiar despair.   While I move into a new period involving obstetricians and due dates and birth choices, I still carry everything that went with three years of getting here.   It’s a strange transition.

These two images, I took them on the way to finding out I was pregnant.   They wrap up my feelings on that morning..the quiet and the pensiveness  and the heavy, heavy blanket of hope.   The moments of a defining day.

What has been amazing and real is sharing our news and being showered in such happiness this past week.  Your genuine joy and your excited shrieks and happy tears means so much to me, thank you :)

In answer to how the kids took the news..they are all so excited.  It’s the first time we’ve had children old enough to really understand what a new baby means and Luca couldn’t sleep the first night after we’d told him.  He’s really wanted this, not so much for himself but for us..his competitive nature means he feels like we’ve finally won.  Mason loves babies and dearly wants it to resemble Boo from Monsters Inc.  He even asked if we can dye it’s hair dark if it comes out blonde.  Ivy of course is just so thrilled at the idea of a living doll but did say if it’s a boy she won’t help with diaper changes.   She’s also got some interesting name suggestions, such as Spike.  And Boy Candace.

I have so many things to show you..after three years of fantasy shopping online, I have quite the stash of treasures waiting to be made mine.  If only we knew the gender.. (Neutral schmeutral…no lemon onesies here).  I will try hard to wait for another few weeks before I begin showering you with links to impossibly gorgeous nurseries.    Except for that one..I’d best get it out of the way now.

With love and giddy excitement,
Sheye

xx

And then came Sunday. Not just Ava’s birthday but also the day we’d marked for Ava’s Tea Party. The sun did in fact decide to shine and I unpacked the spotty plates. The fairy lights were strung up and pink lemonade chilled. And then, little bit by little bit, the clouds crept in. I don’t mean outside..the sky still appeared just as blue but my hopeful heart was sinking. I tried to focus on the lovely afternoon we’d planned but, as is the way with grief, there was no skirting and the tears fell. I wanted to cherish. I thought of all the other people around the World doing just that..taking time and making moments and appreciating but it made little difference. For all the beauty laid out on a floral tablecloth, I felt so lost in what should have been.

So, this year our Ava’s Tea Party meant Cheezels and cupcakes at sunset with the kids..out under the big tree with nothing remotely fancy. It wasn’t quite what I’d planned but it’s how it was. Of course, seeing the effort so many people went to, part of me wanted to be sharing something amazing with you. What I want more though is to be honest and say it was just a really difficult day.  A day that was more about wishing than cherishing but that is just is life without Ava and I don’t want to pretend that it’s always about being grateful. Some days, regardless of the plan and the anticipation and the good intention, it’s just all about the missing.   It. Just. Is.  And nor would I change it.

Please know, what has helped so much is seeing all the gorgeous images being shared at Facebook (feel free to add me if you’d like to see..until I move them into the ATP gallery).  Thank you, thank you, so very much to everyone who participated in Ava’s Tea Party this year.  It truly makes a difference every time I see a photo of a group of giggly children enjoying their pink milk or having cuddles with their Dads or making a mess with cupcakes and mud.   And for those who didn’t lay out pretty china or take photos but instead just paused to think of Ava, it means just as much.   Just one more heart-felt thank you to the amazing businesses who supported our dreams for Ava’s Tea Party this year…we are just so very grateful.  We’ve also been totally and utterly overwhelmed by email this past week so as much as I really do want to reply individually, I’m not sure I’ll be able to..please accept this as our personal thanks.

Here are a couple of photos I did take of our little gathering..and yes, that is an American flag we have in the garden :)  Thank you to Aunt V for sending the beautiful cupcakes around.

Finally, we have a winner for the Ava’s Tea Party illustration..in chronological order of comments over a couple of posts, our winner is the beautiful Lauren Casto.

I do have lots of posts waiting for all manner of things..I’ll be back rather soon.
Love and much appreciation, to all of you.

xx

let me be aware of the treasure you are.

Let me learn from you,

love you,

bless you before you depart.

Let me not pass you by

in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.

Let me hold you while I may,

for it may not always be so.

One day I shall dig my nails into the earth,

or bury my face in the pillow,

or stretch myself taut,

or raise my hands to the sky and want,

more than all the world, your return.

~Mary Jean Iron

To every single person in every corner of the World who is remembering our darling girl, who is sending us love and support, who is taking extra time to just pause and cherish this month, thank you.

xx

I once saw a story about why it is that certain memories embed in our minds more than others – why it is that some events fade almost immediately and some stay with us as if it were yesterday. It’s adrenalin. It’s meant to keep us safer going forward – if we encounter a traumatic situation which produces adrenalin, in turn it makes the memory of the situation stronger, and we know to avoid it in the future. This is the reason why I can tell you the most intricate, irrelevant details about the hours after Ava’s accident. And this is why, I can also recall in minute detail, the very moment I had this most unexpected thought:

“I need to have another baby”.

Actually, unexpected is really too subtle.  Shocking is better.   You see, in that moment, we still had four children here.  Ava had not left yet.  Not in body. She still had 24 hours left on Earth and doctors were still saying she should survive and loved ones were still believing she would yet, as her Mummy, I knew this simply wasn’t so.  And somehow, in the midst of the horror and the disbelief, that thought came to me as I walked into the parents room on Sunday afternoon.  Dimly lit, quiet, wearing my sisters dress that was a little too see through.

I recall the frown that crossed my face.  The confusion and the guilt.    The wondering how and why?   Who mourns their child before they’ve even left?  And worse,  who thinks of having another child whilst so deep in tragedy?   It made no sense and it made me ill with guilt until thankfully, one day a counselor explained that it was perfectly normal, within the realms of the completely abnormal Universe I’d moved into,  to feel as I did.

It was though, still such a strange concept to me.   I was previously so sure I would never want a fifth baby – we had hoped for four and four is what we were blessed with.  Two of each, perfect age gaps.  Everything we’d ever wanted.   I recall a phone call with Jennifer one Saturday morning.  Noisy, disjointed, interrupted-by-children conversation.   Standing in the kitchen with the sun shining and a whole lot of assumption, I said.. “I mean really, we have four children.  What are the odds of getting every one of them to adult-hood, well adjusted and happy?  Surely one of them will give us a hard time along the way.”

How I wish.

So, over the course of a few months, and in the midst of our suffocating grief, we wondered.  I took time to make sure that such a huge decision was not ill considered, given our circumstances.  We thought it out and came up with every reason why having another child would be wonderful for our family. We wanted to see something meaningful, I mean really substantial, come from the loss of our beautiful girl.  What could be more so than a new life? We would never, ever have dreamed of having another child so this person would not have been if not for our tragedy.   We imagined seeing them at 21, on their wedding day, with their first child. We wanted something amazing from something unbearable. For not just us, but as much for our children, we wanted to give them something joyful. We wanted four here in our house again.  Not noisy enough. Not busy enough.  There just weren’t enough squabbles or laughter or demands. We yearned for something to hope for.

So, with all this said… three years ago in September 2007, we did in fact begin our journey for another baby.  And for us,  thanks to an ill fated decision after the birth of Ivy, the only way we could try was through IVF.   With so much naive assumption and still navigating the early days of brutal grief, we  excitedly faced our first cycle.   And then, two months of drugs and anticipation later,  we didn’t even get to transfer stage.  After having four children delivered by the stork immediately upon request,  this is not the outcome we’d anticipated.   Actually, we were devastated.  The IVF  process, when unsuccessful,  is nothing short of soul destroying.   The hopes and expectations and waiting and believing. The needles and the scans and the tests and the tears. And then the nothing.   The drugs make the hard days harder and then you find yourself wondering what on Earth you’re doing anyway.  The news that our cycle has failed felt like  a fresh downpouring of grief all over again.  Looking back, it was a little bit crazy that we even went down this road so soon after losing Ava but you do what you at the time to try and keep facing forward.

So, five months later and still very much determined and hopeful,  we embarked on cycle two.  Different clinic, different approach..and we got to transfer.  Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise, they call it in IVF World.  I did the bed rest, I waited out the days, I was just so sure it would work.  But it didn’t.   Not even with double the hope.  And the tears fell harder for twice as long but we know,  time does help fade the awful.

A few months on and we began Cycle Three.   By then the excitement was dulling a little and the expectations dropping a lot but we had so much hope..and real determination, still.  We dusted ourselves off and believed, with all we had,  that surely our luck would change.    But it didn’t.  We got the same horrendous phone call telling us it had all been for nothing.   I was so anxious it wouldn’t work long before we knew it didn’t, I wasn’t really surprised..but oh the tears we cried.  It was just so hard to believe that we were facing the prospect of IVF not working for us.   So much of our quest was tied up in grief and to see the one thing we believed would help mend our hearts crumbling away was too much to bear.  I knew I didn’t want to keep going but I didn’t want to stop either.   Crayton wanted this as much as I did and by that point, we’d told the children what we were trying to achieve.  With so many visits to the doctor and hospital, we just thought it easier to tell them so giving up just didn’t feel like an option.  It was just so hard to keep going.

Cycle Four.  December 08.  We changed to a new and very highly recommended doctor.  He was the man you saw when all else failed.   Our faith was restored but the drugs were taking their toll.  I remember that period as very, very difficult.  I struggled to stay calm in the lead up to transfer day  and became increasingly terrified that things would not go in our favor.  I tried so hard to push my fears aside but all too frequently they bubbled over into teary tantrums.  When we got the news that our fourth cycle had failed..our sky fell once again.

I gave myself no break then, I thought quicker was better and rushed back for Cycle Five.  Two months later, in Feb 2009,  we were in the same lounge-room on the same telephone when we got the same call.   Cycle Five was out.

Just as we could never have imagined losing a child, we could never have imagined doing IVF and then, not having it work five times over.  This was another element to our new Universe that felt impossible and strange and unfamiliar.  But, indeed, there we were and in the back of our minds, we knew all about life not going to plan.  About not having expectations and about there being no such thing as fair.  It was hard, but we’d done harder.

Now, something else about this journey.  Being an open person,  it’s been strange to have kept hush along the way.  I’ve worried that sharing our hopes for a baby openly might be perceived as a step away from Ava.   It’s so important to me that she continues to be honored amidst Life Going On.     No matter how much joy may be one day handed to us, I’m under no illusion that the missing of our beauty full girl will be reduced.    Joy on the left, grief on the right.

We tried something new for Cycle Six.  We had a long, relaxing holiday and we tried to forget where we’d been.  We hoped all over again and transferred three embryos.  We’d never had that many and for a fleeting moment, we thought we’d done it.   The odds were in our favor and it seemed so possible.  When a little while later, a blood test proved otherwise, I knew we had to be nearing the end.  Two years is a long time to keep failing at something.  I so wanted to be able to give our family a baby, but our family understood.  It was hard on them too and we all agreed a break was in order.  Anyone with status of Trying to Conceive will tell you though, you never really do have a break.  You never stop hoping and you keep on trying new things and the yearning only intensifies every day.  We spent six months exploring other options and procedures and medication and natural therapies to no avail.

In February this year, we embarked on yet another cycle.  It didn’t really even get anywhere before it ended.  A long story that I’ll just make into a short one…Cycle Seven, over and out.  I’m not sure if the failures were getting easier to handle or harder..we kind of expected them by that stage but my resolve was well and truly fading.  Or faded.  I put a deadline on our mission and said we’d try one more time.  Just once more before we’d have to reassess, which was pretty much code for “I’m done”.

April saw my best and worst cycle yet.  Everything was text book perfect, I was relaxed, the protocol was easier, and I responded well.  As it turned out, much much too well.  In the IVF literature you receive back on Day One,  there is small print and the mention of 1% that covers off something called Ovarian Hyperstimulation.  OHSS.   This 1% likelyhood saw me in hospital, morpheined up,  for fifteen days.  I gained forty six pounds of fluid in ten days, which they tried to remove via a drain in my abdomen.  I vomited continually and needed oxygen to breathe.  I cannot describe the agony or the misery that is Hyperstimulation.   And then, the best bit at the end?  You don’t even get to transfer because of it.  They freeze your embryos and wait for you to crawl back from near death to attempt a new cycle.  If I was having doubts about stopping the IVF torture previously, this sealed it for me.  For all of us.  The time away from our children, the impact on my health.  It could not have been clearer that we were really done.  We agreed that we would not attempt any more full IVF cycles, rather just use up our frozen embryos and should that not end in our favor, so be it.   It was the one of the easiest, most difficult decisions we’ve made.  How very, very much we wanted this to have worked.  But how impossible it was to keep investing so much and get no result.   We  just wanted a normal life back.  No doctors visits, no injections.  No marking off calenders and waiting for blood test results. No more devastation.

So, along came July. And a  less involved cycle with less stress and an air of acceptance we hadn’t really had before.  We’d made our decision and no matter what, just having an end in sight made it bearable to at least try.   On July 17, we drove the quiet Saturday morning roads to the clinic with a familar anticipation.  I took photos of the hot air balloons drifting in the sky and stared out the window wondering ïs today a Red Leter Day?’  Would it be a date that mattered ten years from now?  Or would it slip into the abyss of disappointment like so many others?  The doctor sang while two of our embryos were returned to me.  I kept the red hospital band from my wrist and felt the familiar wash of cautious hope fill my tummy.

I waited the impossibly long fourteen days.  I filled the hours with an irrational mix of imagining and wishing and Googling.  I drove myself insane wondering if an extra yawn or a funny smell or a blinking street light meant something.  Anything.   Come day 12 and the arrival of some clearly non-pregnant symptoms, it seemed we’d failed again.  An ocean of tears fell and I moved the blood test one day closer to put us out of at least some of the misery.

One day closer came and then,

so

did

something

else:

Baby Rosemeyer Five.
Due 05 April 2011.

We’re still speechless and amazed and just, wow.  And so very afraid of believing.  It’s early to share and the whatif’s are terrifying but right here, today,  at least I get this moment with you all.  I’ve waited so very long.

xx

]]> http://www.sheyerosemeyerphotography.com/blog/2010/08/wishing-and-hoping-of-a-different-kind/feed/ 343 http://www.sheyerosemeyerphotography.com/blog/2010/08/anna-newport/ http://www.sheyerosemeyerphotography.com/blog/2010/08/anna-newport/#comments Sat, 07 Aug 2010 02:31:25 +0000 sheye http://www.sheyerosemeyerphotography.com/blog/?p=2432 My obsession with vintage circus continues. Thank you Anna, for indulging me.

Processed with Eye Candy Actions Hush | Toy Camera | Softly | Film Days

The Lemony Cupcake here in Brisbane have offered to donate 100% of profit from cupcake orders in August to Paradise Kids.  (The calories don’t count if you’re eating them for charity.)

Cloud Dreaming have generously pledged to donate $1 to Paradise Kids for every cloud dream submitted through August. (Even more wonderful, Fran will double it if you can come up with something to suit the ATP theme this month!)
You don’t normally need an excuse to cloud-dream but this month, you’ll be helping out an amazing organization in the process!

AnK Boutique have made a gorgeous hair clip set specifically for Ava’s Tea Party and all proceeds in August are donated to Paradise Kids.  I’ve already heard they’re selling fast!

Please remember if you would like one of the limited edition invitations or tea party kits created for Ava’s Tea Party, they are only on sale until end August.

We’d love it if you could support these businesses who are generously offering time and products to help make Ava’s Tea Party everything we hope for.  Many, many more businesses have offered their support in beautiful ways but time is not on our side this year..which actually just means we’re already excited to see what will happen in 2011!  If you’re fund-raising as part of your ATP event this year, please send us details!  Remember we’re giving away an Ava’s Tea Party print if you spread the word at Facebook!   Just leave me a comment here letting me know.

Thank you thank you thank you.  We are so grateful.

Sheye & Family

xxx

]]> http://www.sheyerosemeyerphotography.com/blog/2010/08/avas-tea-party-update/feed/ 12 http://www.sheyerosemeyerphotography.com/blog/2010/07/avasteaparty/ http://www.sheyerosemeyerphotography.com/blog/2010/07/avasteaparty/#comments Mon, 26 Jul 2010 04:00:02 +0000 sheye http://www.sheyerosemeyerphotography.com/blog/?p=2169

As some of you know, last August we started the tradition of Ava’s Tea Party.  An idea borne out of wishing and missing and a beauty-full way to honor the birthday of our Super-Princess each year.   It was all we’d hoped for, and so much more.. a small gathering in our garden with close friends and family but also an invitation extended to all of you to share in time spent cherishing those you love.  We were so touched by the effort many of you went to – all the beautiful tea parties held in Ava’s honor – but more importantly, it meant so much to imagine people stopping their usual day to day and just sharing a cuddle and a moment to really appreciate one another.

Our hope is to see Ava’s Tea Party become something huge and wonderful and celebrated World over every year.  We have so many ideas that we want to see happen but we do need help along the way.  Belle and Boo’s illustration of Ava’s Tea Party was the first step in letting our dream take flight..  And then, just a few weeks ago, I received an email from Siobhan and Vanessa at Details Details..full of wonderful ideas and a beautiful proposal to grow Ava’s Tea Party a little more this year.  Oh how my heart sang reading those words and today, as they launch The Beauty Full Collection, a range of products specifically designed for this very occasion, my heart soars.  Such an incredible amount of work has gone into this project and much of what you’ll see has been so generously donated by wonderful well known designers.  Additionally, the majority of the proceeds from these sales will then be donated by Details Details to Paradise Kids.    To everyone involved in this project,  for the talent donated and time spent,  we are so very grateful.  Thank you.  We’d love it if you could take a moment to see what’s been so lovingly created and to perhaps give some thought to hosting your own tea party around August 22nd this year.  Simple or grande, for two or twenty.  Store-bought or home made and anywhere you wish.

In preparation for Ava’s Tea Party this year, we’ve also launched a dedicated website and Facebook page, which we’d love you to join and spread the word.  I’ve begun adding photos from 2009 Tea Parties to the galleries at both, of course if anyone does not wish to have theirs included please just let me know.  If you do take photos this year, please upload them in the 2010 album there – it means so much for us to see them!   If you’d like to go in the draw for an Ava’s Tea Party A4 print, please join the FB page and invite others to do the same..and of course leave a comment here to let me know you’ve done so!  Thankyou!!

I’ll take this opportunity to extend an open invitation to anyone who believes their product or skills would compliment Ava’s Tea Party..to those who sell handmade wares, to suppliers of pretty things, to anyone really who is passionate about being involved in something special..please send us a note! If you have your own ideas about how you could contribute to Ava’s Tea Party, we would love to hear them.  (While some elements of Ava’s Tea Party includes fund-raising and donation, this is not expected from those who participate).  It doesn’t need to be for this year but we would certainly love the chance to plan for 2011 with anyone interested!

Thank you again to all who’ve contributed thus far and to every single one of you who has helped us realize our dreams for Ava’s Tea Party :)  As always, seeing Ava’s memory included in beautiful ways means so very much to our whole family but this project has a very special place in our hearts..We do hope you will join us.

xx

Ava’s Tea Party Kit from Details Details | Image: Luminessence

Ms Whitney, inside and out, you simply shine.

S x  

Just another thing to add to our ever-growing list of Reasons to Love the US of A.  It’s getting rather long.

Sheye xx

Canon 5d Mark II, Lensbaby
Processed with Eye Candy Actions Hush | Caramel Overlay