You’ve seen me write it 1000 times but it barely scratches the surface. She is, truly, a God Send. I love her so much it scares me silly.

I can’t imagine not having her. Just like I couldn’t imagine not having any of my children. It doesn’t matter that I’ve seen the other side of “what if”.. It makes no difference that, contrary to what I’d always thought I was certain of, I actually did go on and live after the unbearble and the unthinkable took place. That the sun kept rising, I kept waking, my lungs kept drawing breath – even when I wished with all my heart they would not. Even with this knowing, I still believe today, if anything happened to one of my other children…that I could not cope, I could not survive. Isn’t that odd? I guess it’s just how it is when something means so very much to you.

It’s so hard to imagine the void where Ava should be as any bigger or harder to face each day but when I think about not having Ivy making me laugh and to demand to put on a pretty dress and to put her little arms around my neck while she whispers “la lou” in my ear… well I just can’t imagine. Initially after February, I hoped so much Ivy would look like Ava – that I would keep seeing Ava’s face in hers, that her mannerisms would grow into Ava’s.. I so needed to have glimpses of what I was missing so desperately.

One year on and it feels so good to have begun slowly but surely celebrating the things that make Ivy her very own little person. She is different to her sister in a lot of ways, she is growing into another beautiful little girl who has so many amazing characteristics, a great sense of humor and a reeeeeeally loud voice. Sometimes she shows me a little glimpse of Ava and it is a true gift but I’m just as happy to see all the glimpses of Ivy…

So, if you can’t tell, I’m all sentimental today.. There’s been a whole lot of melancholy and too many tears this morning but there is always an upside to the lows..No matter how hard the moment, I’ve learnt a better one always awaits…and that I am still so, so lucky.

I plan to spend the afternoon doing nothing more than hanging out with my boys – even if it means watching the World Wrestling!! Thankyou so much, as always, for all the beautiful emails this week, there have been more than a few and I am behind in responding, I’m sorry :)

My sweet MSF friends?

Today, of all days. Today when I feel so run down and unhealthy and tired. After yesterday when I had Twisties for dinner. Really. (Trust me, this was a first.) I really really needed this today. It’s been a tough one.

I know we all have them, us overtired Mummies…One of those mornings where there seems to be a constant monologue playing in one’s head. Breathe deep, keep sane, one foot after the other. Smile nicely, make the sandwiches, kiss the bruises better. But all the while dreaming of solitude. A moment to be able to keep one thought straight without the interruption of mumwhere’smyshoes and ican’tfindmylibrarybook and mummmmivybrokemybestpencil.. But of course the moment the house empties, the mess leaps out and I was almost wishing they’d run back in the door to distract from the devastation.

I possibly would have fared better this morning if not for the Trans Fatty Acid dinner-in-a-packet last night. I was well and truly nagging myself over this when a very large box arrived at my door…

and LOOK! Just like that!! Could I have gotten anything more perfect today???? I ran up the stairs lugging the box yelling to Crayte “Honey, we have the most amazing present!!!” (He LOVES fruit!!)

We’re so delighted at this incredibly thoughtful gift, I’m so amazed that a box of fruit could look SO beautiful!!! The photos do not do it justice – every single piece of fruit is perfect -it smells like fruit and it, shock horror, even tastes just like fruit!!! Of course I also love the little naughty corner of chocolate – what a perfect balance.

I don’t think I could rave any more without sounding a little nutso but I’m really very very touched and grateful…now I’ve had a giant dose of much needed vitamins, I’m ready to greet the monsters with open arms :) What a difference a perfect apple can make!

(I had to get the photos in quick whilst smacking Crayte’s hand away!!! Stunning fruit box from Fruit Only – I can’t recommend them enough if you’re looking for the perfect gift..just beautiful!!!!)

A photo taken yesterday morning..All my sunny bikini photos of late are a bit of smoke and mirrors – in reality we’ve had nothing but rain for weeks and weeks… So yesterday when I woke to the bluest of skies it was a real treat, the green leaves just shone and waved merrily and I had to pull the camera out… Initially, when I uploaded the images today, I was a bit annoyed to see that dying leaf there..I wanted it all to be perfectly green and matching. Before too long I remembered something I’d read only yesterday afternoon in the heartbreaking book by William Verity, Bear Is Now Asleep. He tells the story of life after losing his three year old daughter, India, in an accident.

The opening page reads..

On that stormy night
a top branch broke off
on the biggest tree in my garden.

It’s still up there. Though its leaves
are withered black among the green
the living branches
won’t let it fall.

Norman McCaig

It was the strangest thing, to realise my photo unexpectedly reflected these very words and to see such beauty in that yellowed leaf all of a sudden. A little thing really but I’ve pondered it today… tonight I found this poem by Nancy Wood and just had to share the two. Thankyou to Danielle and Noel for your thoughtful gift, while to most it would just be a book, it’s given me even more than we both expected, thankyou.

Well I’m a little slow in the post department this week..you can blame it on Flickr. I’ve had a small photostream there for over a year but just decided to start updating so it’s been taking up time where I’d normally be blogging! It’s a little bit addictive, good old Flickr…(And can also be daunting with all that amazing talent floating around!)..

I’ll be back with more photos soon.
S xxx

A few snaps as Ivy flounced around the pool in her new bikini this afternoon. And not just any bikini, a Janie and Jack – sent all the way from the US of A by the gorgeous Krysta. Can you say spoilt?

(And if you can’t, then we’ll make do with utterly scrumptious…Can you tell I still haven’t shaken off that severe bout of Ivish?)

Yesterday it began teaming with rain..As always, Mason began pleading to be allowed run around outside.. This has been a non stop activity over the last week and being so tired of all the washing this habit brings about, I said “Mason! Why do we have to do this every time?” and he replied “Because Mum it’s raining joy”. Oh, truly, I almost pushed him out the front door! I don’t know how he does it but he manages to find the perfect answer every time and I’m putty in his hands :)

A short while later I roamed out myself and was astounded to see the sky had turned pink. Really, really pink. And then, just to make it perfectly perfect, along came a rainbow. It wasn’t until I uploaded I realised it was a double one :) The pink hue you see under the rainbow stretched it’s way across the whole sky until it turned dark. Just beautiful.

You’re probably so tired of me saying thankyou every single post but how can I not? I’m so overwhelmed, still, at the kindness that finds me every day… Thankyou thankyou thankyou. And that won’t stop me saying thankyou tomorrow either :)