Disbelief {Day Sixty}.
Where did you come from, baby dear?
Out of the everywhere into here.
A long time ago, I heard and loved those words. I tucked them away and often over the past three years they’d come to mind while I hoped. And waited.
It’s all still so completely surreal. Even as I approach my tenth week, I cannot wrap my mind around being pregnant. I thought a good blood test result would make it real. And then maybe a scan? Or a second scan perhaps? The gift of booties, the discussing of baby names..A little morning sickness, a lot of exhaustion..maybe my expanding self would tell me it’s true? But no, while all those things happen right before me, my mind cannot connect the dots and I’m still waiting to fathom. I hesitate to share anything about any of it..what if what if what if? But then I don’t want to get to 40 weeks (please God) and have let it all slip by without daring to notice. So, I will. I will share the exciting bits and the nervous hopes and keep trying to believe.
For all of my disbelieving happy, I don’t ever want to forget what it took to get here. It’s a huge part of this little persons journey and it’s what makes me so incredibly grateful, beyond anything I’ve known. To every person who shared their own experiences with infertility, thank you. And for those who are still hoping, I am wishing for you with all I have. I asked a nurse back at the start, “Are there some people who just don’t succeed with IVF?” (I was new to this, remember..) She told me that yes, there was, but persistence would be the key and it really was just a matter of time for most people. To me, that was a solid assurance that we’d get our wish. Just time and persistence. Easy. What I didn’t know then was that persistence is another term for enduring the impossible for time unknown and it actually runs out. Kaija commented that I’d shared how infertility is like grief in reverse. And yes, I think it is. I often considered how we were yearning for someone we had yet to meet…wishing and missing and all of those things that we already knew on a different level. It was a familiar despair. While I move into a new period involving obstetricians and due dates and birth choices, I still carry everything that went with three years of getting here. It’s a strange transition.
These two images, I took them on the way to finding out I was pregnant. They wrap up my feelings on that morning..the quiet and the pensiveness and the heavy, heavy blanket of hope. The moments of a defining day.
What has been amazing and real is sharing our news and being showered in such happiness this past week. Your genuine joy and your excited shrieks and happy tears means so much to me, thank you :)
In answer to how the kids took the news..they are all so excited. It’s the first time we’ve had children old enough to really understand what a new baby means and Luca couldn’t sleep the first night after we’d told him. He’s really wanted this, not so much for himself but for us..his competitive nature means he feels like we’ve finally won. Mason loves babies and dearly wants it to resemble Boo from Monsters Inc. He even asked if we can dye it’s hair dark if it comes out blonde. Ivy of course is just so thrilled at the idea of a living doll but did say if it’s a boy she won’t help with diaper changes. She’s also got some interesting name suggestions, such as Spike. And Boy Candace.
I have so many things to show you..after three years of fantasy shopping online, I have quite the stash of treasures waiting to be made mine. If only we knew the gender.. (Neutral schmeutral…no lemon onesies here). I will try hard to wait for another few weeks before I begin showering you with links to impossibly gorgeous nurseries. Except for that one..I’d best get it out of the way now.
With love and giddy excitement,
Sheye
xx
