eye candy actions|toy camera|purple haze|own texture

Each morning, as the butterflies emerge, Ivy picks up her net and runs out to the field.  She chases and squeals and if really lucky, ever-so-carefully picks them up.  She calls them her friends.  She had never caught one mid air.  We’ve always had to wait until they land. But today, she did.  We gathered round and with the butterfly down on the ground, covered in net, we peered together..She giggled, I applauded her wonderful butterfly catching skills.  I reminded her to be gentle while she reached out.

And then do you know what? Right there, right in front of our eyes, that butterfly disappeared.  We stared, Ivy moved the net around a little, we stared some more, and said in unison “where did it go?”  There was nowhere for it to go.   No holes in the net.  No nothing on the ground for it to hide under.  It didn’t fly away.  It. was. just. gone.

I thought about this all afternoon. It made no sense.  I sat, wondering how on Earth this butterfly was there.  I saw it.  And a moment later, not.  What did I miss?  A hole in the ground?  A blink where she flew away?  Clearly, I missed something.    And then I remembered.

A clear day, we marveled, we swooned, we felt so lucky to have her and then..just like that, she was gone.  Right in front of our eyes, she was no more.   It’s not so impossible to believe.  We’ve been here before.

x

(and for you, something I love:)

Butterfly – Lenny Kravitz

eye candy actions purple haze | film days | caramel overlay

Ingredients:

2 male rosemeyers
1 public place
1 large portion of Desire to Irritate
noise to taste

Directions:

Thoroughly remove sense of decorum from male species.  Infuse with Desire to Irritate.  Position haphazardly in public place and add noise.  Enjoy!

S xx

“No-one ever told me that grief felt so like fear” – CS Lewis.

This quote was shared with me three years ago.  I’ve never forgotten it because it is so awfully true.  Nothing can prepare you for the fear that comes with grief.  It is a terror beyond anything I have ever known.    The moments after finding Ava, the knowing instantly that we would lose her, the waiting for 48 hours at the hospital until we did… and then facing a lifetime without her.   If I think of those early months, I think of being very, very afraid.   I hear myself saying “I’m just so scared that this is real“.   I simply couldn’t bare to imagine that this could not be fixed.   That we were actually living our worst nightmare.  The fear comes first, the missing comes later.

“You never recover from the loss of a child“.  It was said often, back at the start.  To my newly grieving, terrified self, those words were unbearable.  I couldn’t fathom never recovering.   But I also couldn’t fathom life ever being any different.  Since then, I’ve  often pondered the notion of “recovered”.  What does that even mean?  That you should return to the griefless, untouched self you once were?  Well of course you don’t.  How can you hold your lifeless, adored, child and openly weep and beg God to give them back and not walk away changed?   You face overwhelming sadness throughout your every day and have to learn to incorporate it into a life that doesn’t like to pause for your grief.  Of course you are different.   But from a place of total devastation, you do somehow find a way to open your eyes and draw breath and face another day without your beautiful baby.   You even go on to work and socialize and plan a future.   Recovered?  I don’t know.   Altered?  Without doubt.

It’s clear I’ve learned a lot in three years.  I know that the suffocating grief does not stay forever, that it changes and the sadness becomes familiar.  I have found  peace with the un-happy parts of my life and my self.  If I had the choice to erase my grief, I wouldn’t.  If not for the sadness, then what?  It isn’t enough to just remember Ava with smiles and fond memories.   I need the tears.

On the harder days, I spend time with my missing.   I write.  I mourn.  I recall.  And if I pick up my camera,  how I feel becomes how I see.

I am no longer scared.

S x

I can hear them. Luca and Ivy.
He’s teasing, she’s crying.
“I’ve stolen your soul”, he keeps telling her.
“Give it back” she wails.
Amusing and annoying all at once…I call him.
“Luca, stop teasing Ivy.  She doesn’t even know what a soul is and you’re just irritating her.”
He’s still laughing.  I’m not.
I frown and ask him to tell me what a soul is.
He pauses the sillyness.
and answers.
“It’s a soft breeze.”
I’m perplexed.
“A what?  Why do you say that?”
“Well,” he says “it’s like a little whoosh.”
I still don’t understand.
“Why?”
“It’s just the sound of a person passing you on their way to Heaven.”
Gulp.
In that moment, I feel like I’m ten and he’s,well, forever.
It’s not the first time.

{I’m typing with tears in my eyes.}

Equipment: Canon 5dm2 |24-70 2.8
Processing: Eye Candy Actions|Mini Makeover
Dress:  Vintage|Belle Heir
Haircut: Models own|Oh yes she did.