If it were the me of three years ago writing this, I’d be complaining today. I’d be annoyed that our new flooring install didn’t begin on schedule. Or that the doors aren’t ready. I’d feel stressed that Mason missed swimming and I’d probably be pretty miffed that Crayton’s hire car got itself scratched and dented this morning.
Writing from the New Universe though, my only real reason to complain today would rightfully be about today marking the start of February. The month of missing and wishing and life-a-changing. It’s the month that plunged us from carefree happiness to the darkest of voids. Where nothing was ever the same.
It seems though, my new is changing too. As I approach a third February without Ava, the new includes so many lessons and so much beauty I just don’t feel I have a right to complain. Of course I miss. I wish. I yearn. Every single day. I forget a life that didn’t include those things. But I can also look back on thirty six months and see how far I’ve traveled. Or, at times, been carried. I prefer the new me, I like the life I’ve created out of ruin. I know less fear, I filter out the unimportant and I know what it is to truly, deeply love. So many beautiful things to be glad of.
I don’t write these words lightly. It has taken a lot to get to here. I had three choices after February two thousand and seven. I could cease to exist. (Shocking? Not really. Ask anyone deep in grief how viable that option might seem at times.) I could continue on breathing whilst moving nowhere. Barely enduring grief filled days that would undoubtedly project onto my other children. Or, I could do something even harder. I could make a promise that Ava would not leave un-noticed. That I would do better. As a mother, a wife, as my self. That our new family would survive and be strong and embrace what remained. That I would live life. For Ava.
I consciously chose the latter. There were many, many days where the grief smothered my hopes. There will be more to come. But three years on, I see our family as happy again. We’re mending. We cherish one another, and our memories of Ava. Our Superprincess shines as brightly as she ever did. I look forward to including her in so many beautiful ways going forward and know that we will never let her light go out. While I know there will always be moments where The Missing sneaks up and steals the air from my lungs, today the bigger picture fills my heart.
Happy February.
Love, Sheye xxx
