I’m asked quite often why I don’t post anymore.   In the normal World of a normal family, that would barely be worth mentioning.  After all, it’s just a blog.  To me though, this place is so much more.   So much that I can’t even really explain and when you ask why I don’t spend time here now, I can’t really answer.  I don’t know why.  Or maybe there’s just lots of why’s and when I try to come up with one it all becomes a big jumble of something. Or other.   So, here goes.

When I started blogging, back in the days of four children here with me, it was easy.   For the three people who read my posts, I was perfectly happy sharing tidbits from otherwise unremarkable days..parenting stuff, cooking stuff, shopping stuff.   Complaints about lack of sleep and juggling business with babies and yearning after Alannah Hill frocks.  I never gave it any thought.

Then life..that uncomplicated, regular run of the mill life, turned upside down and for a very long time blogging was where I chose to pour out my aching soul.  Sharing Ava, and sharing the sorrow, became so important to my grief process and the support of so many along the way made a difference.  On my bad and badder days, I would put pen to paper, so to speak, and bare the brutality of a most unexpected life in the new Universe.  Somehow, it helped.  All that missing and yearning and endless wishing hung out for all to see.  I never gave it any thought.

Then that life became familiar.  A place where I have three children beside me and one in the Otherwhere.  Five years.  Tomorrow, it will be five years.  We struggle to fathom.   And you know, they were wrong.  Time did make a difference.  The unbearable suffering eased.  The wailing quietened and then the tears fell softly.    And, just as I’d feared, the tears stopped.  I closed the door to her room.  It’s still shut now.

I cannot explain the intense feeling of disconnection I’ve had from not just grief, but Ava too, over the last year.  It’s so hard to admit that but it is the truth.   And I hate it.  For the longest time, I’ve been aware of my grief tucked up on the top shelf.  I can’t even see it, but I know it’s there.  I wish I could reach it.  I just don’t know how.

The logical part of me knows this could be ‘normal’.  Maybe the book says it’s what happens at four years.  And five.  And the rest.  But what if I don’t want that?    I miss my time with her.  I miss the days she was here and I miss the days I lay on her bed sobbing with the wanting, the desperate wanting, for her to be by my side.  I don’t feel I have a place for her anymore.  Yes, her physical things are here.  Her bed is still here.  Her books and her clips and her shoes..they are here.  But the space in my heart where I promised she’d stay?  I’ve lost the way to it.

So if you ask me to share my thoughts,  I feel afraid.  How do I say my grief feels distant?  That she feels faraway?  To admit she’s not right here, front and center, every day.  From a place of such pain and suffocating sorrow, how can that be?

For now, I will shake my head in disbelief, still.
I will know that some things can not be explained.
I will know that I could have done better.
I will know that it wasn’t my fault.
I will know that some days, it will all be my fault.
I will keep her pictures on the wall.
I will speak her name.
I will wait to dream of her.
I will try to write of her.
And I will keep searching for a way back to my darling Ava.

xx

I always was a warm weather girl.  As a child, I loved everything the sunnier months brought – bbq’s by the creek with family, hours spent on the slip n slide,  ice-cream.  At 18, when I moved to the Gold Coast (Australia’s answer to Miami), the warm weather meant the beach every day and parties at night.   I married beside the ocean in beautiful sunlight and as a mother, I loved watching my own babies play outside in Summer,  soaking up the sunshine and goodness.   As Winter rolled around each year, I’d miserably shiver my way through an unbearable three months, all the while searching for an alternative to Havianas.  The cold, it’s just not me.

And then came the Summer of 2007, beginning like every other Australian Summer and ending like nothing we’d ever known.  The loss of our darling Ava.  Instantly and dramatically, my love of warmer weather was no more.  It became the other 9 months of the year that I found unbearable.    Grief just brings such incredible sensitivity to the most normal of things and  when the sun shone brightly,   I struggled to even step outside.

To sit out in the sunshine today..a simple nothing that felt like a simple everything.  Like so many other moments in a strange journey.  When it’s hard, it feels impossible but sometimes easy feels impossible too.  Along the way, I want to share my days and my photos and my thoughts with you..and I want to tell you how the ordinary is still anything but ordinary but then I hesitate.  The truth is, I sometimes struggle to know how to include Ava.  Not in our day to day life..there she nestles comfortably in our conversations and memories.  It’s here, I wonder. Where I once wrote pages through the tears and shared without thinking, I now sit in hesitation wondering what even makes sense.  It’s hard when I share only random snippets of  life.  I’m not sure if it seems disjointed. Do my stories of life with grief seem out of place in the every day?  

The thing is, I can’t do smalltalk. If you know me in real life, I much prefer real conversation. I can’t make stuff up. It’s the same here. I want to keep it real but still share the everyday and then I’m back to the bit where my every day still looks different to most.   My every day is not like it was before Summer 2007 and it’s not like it was for a long while after. It’s something different again..and yes, it’s largely about the balance of sorrow and gratitude but it’s also about raising children and wanting more children and dreaming with my love and taking photos and time with friends.  It’s about everything that I knew with Ava and everything I’ve learned without her and trying to move forward but never wanting to forget.  If it seems disjointed, it’s probably because it is.   When your days and your relationships and all your waking thoughts are filtered with a different and sometimes complex perspective, it takes work to turn that into everyday words. I can’t take the filter off and I wouldn’t want to but still, sometimes it’s kind of hard to see out. 

Thanks for waiting on the other side.

Sheye xx

The lead up to Ava’s Tea Party is really big for me.  All sorts of big.  I want it to be amazing, I want everyone in the World to stop what they’re doing and participate, I want it to matter. And to so many of you, it does. Words can’t express how it feels to see the stream of beautiful tea parties images, or to hear tales of family gatherings and cuddles. To know that Ava’s Rule is being shared and that our girl is being remembered. It is incredible and it is comforting.  And yes,  it is big.  And then, behind all that, lies the strange, quiet hum that persists throughout the planning and the emailing and the baking.  (Well, other people’s baking).  Sometimes it gets really very loud and then I’m lost in what should be. Not tea parties and everyone else hugging their eight year olds. That should be me. I can’t see past just missing my daughter and wondering how we got here. Then, someone will send a beautiful photo of a pink sky.  Someone will tell me how Ava’s Rule helped their child.  Someone, some thing, will remind me that Ava’s Tea Party is worth it and it’s making a difference and it means so much to so many families – not just ours.   It’s an endless see-saw of emotion and honestly, getting to the other side is just a little bit of a relief.

This year, the weather meant our simple plans for a family gathering were relocated indoors last minute. I didn’t really have an ideas for pretty decor – I’m no party planner so it really was just an gathering of little bits I already had along with home made and store bought treats.  We marked her day and we shared happy conversation and we took time to show love for those we love.

Thank you to every one of you who sent support this year, one way or another, and especially to those of you who joined in with Ava’s Tea Party.  Lets do it again next year, shall we?  :)

Love and gratitude, always.

Sheye x

Instead, I will wander to the morning you were born.
I will greet your dark wisps and your puffy nose and your olive skinned chubbiness.
I will watch you in your Daddy’s arms while he sings to you.
I will think of dancing with you in the kitchen, on my hip in a pink kerchief.
I will imagine you in your Grandy’s lap while he whistles and laughs and dotes.
I will remember hair clips and kneesocks and spotty shoes.
I will watch you skipping into kindy while I call out to slow down.
I will recall your long golden curls and your wide feet and the brown of your enormous eyes.
I will find you with your brothers and your sister, there will be four.
I will see you spinning in our hallway, I will hear you squealing.
I will answer to Miss Mummy.
I will put my arms around you and I will breathe you in and I will love you.
I will be right back there, with you.

Happy Birthday, my darling Ava.

As we venture into August, I’ve spent the last week wholly immersed in Ava’s Tea Party, gathering up ideas and contacting suppliers and making pretty things.  I’m so excited to see lots of plans in the making and to have had such encouragement to continue the event that makes this month not just bearable for us, but on many levels, quite beautiful.

We are happy for people to celebrate at any point in August..it doesn’t need to be on the 22nd (Ava’s birthday) but I know many of you like to plan for that date.   Because the 22nd falls on a Monday in Australia, I’d love to think of Ava’s Tea Party being celebrated where-ever you might need to be on a normal working day.  Should you be looking for suggestions, the wonderful Steph at Party For A Cause has been so helpful in putting together a list of ideas so with her permission, I’m sharing it here..with some random thoughts added by me :).

While the original concept for Ava’s Tea Party began as nothing more than two best friends planning something very pretty, it’s since become so much more.  From the simple to the elaborate, there have been so many beautiful ideas shared over the last three years but however you love to celebrate is the best way.

take time with your FAMILY:
Plan a full top-to-bottom tea party (with or without the fuss).   Enlist the help of your children in decorating and baking, plan out cupcake flavors and choose the location together.  A lot of the fun is just planning the details and I know my own children ask for weeks before hand what we’ll be doing for Ava’s Tea Party.  If you’re a details person and event planning makes you happy, this is the perfect opportunity to stock up on pretties and pull out the recipes (or call the caterer).

For those who break out in hives at the thought of the above, there’s always plan B.  It doesn’t matter if baking isn’t your thing (it’s possibly not mine :p)..take a stroll to the corner store together to pick up some little treats or take ten minutes to make fairy bread at home.  Get the children to color in paper chains and dust off the patio table.   Remember, more than anything,  it’s about the time together.

take time with your NEIGHBORS:
Ava’s Tea Party is about community.  Perhaps this could be an opportunity to knock on your neighbors door and invite them over for a cuppa?   What about a street party or bbq?   Get the neighborhood children together to make their own lemonade stand and donate proceeds to their favorite cause. 

take time in your WORKPLACE:
In my endless list of wishes for Ava is one surrounding the simple idea of work. I don’t know what she wanted to be when she grew up but whatever it was, she didn’t get the chance. As much as I wish for more birthdays for her, I wish for the chance to have formed a career.  So,  those of you who work..amidst the mundane of a regular Monday, I just ask that you give thanks.  Irrespective of the stresses and strains that come with work, it is still a gift to be able to do just that.  So many people cannot – through accident, illness, lack of education or opportunity.  See if the boss will chip in for morning tea or have everyone bring their favorite something and turn Monday into something special.

take time with your MOTHER’S GROUP:
If everyone brings a plate, it’s such an easy way to add something fancy to your regular meet-up.  Or perhaps each make a donation – half for catering and half for your favorite charity. Wear pink and take five minutes to chat about the amazing things motherhood brings, alongside the trials.

take time at SCHOOL:
Could your school participate in a cupcake fundraiser?  What about approaching a local bakery and asking for donations to support Ava’s Tea Party? If not a business, what about asking Mums to bake and donate?  Of course we’d love to raise funds for Paradise Kids/Kid Xpress but you might also have something worth raising funds for.  Ask the student committee to get on board, see if you can add something special to the tuck shop menu for August and share Ava’s Tea Party in your monthly newsletter so that the whole school community can participate.

take time at a DAYCARE CENTRE:
Last year, Ivy’s kinder held a “Fairytale Day” in honor of Ava’s Tea Party.  The children came in dress-up and they read fairytales and turned a regular day into something very magical.    There are so many simple ways to mark Ava’s Tea Party and children just love the chance to plan something special.  “If you want your children to be brilliant tell them fairy tales. If you want your children to be very brilliant, tell them even more fairy tales” – Albert Einstein.

take time at FAMILY DAYCARE:
How about making the 22nd “Sparkle Day”?  Make crowns and learn a new song (here’s Ava’s favorite).  Maybe your carer can bake some cupcakes with the kids and they can all share them together?

take time with your FRIENDS:
It was wanting to celebrate friendship that started the idea of Ava’s Tea Party.  The idea of pausing to say “Wow, I’m so lucky to have  you”.  This August, stop and say thanks to those who know us best and love us anyway.  What a great chance to all get dressed up in your favorite frocks, and maybe host a girl’s night in..or get together and bake some cupcakes, over a glass and a laugh.  And why not some pink bubbles at an adult only get together?  Ava’s Tea Party can just be Ava’s Party, if you so wish :)

take time with our ELDERS:
For those who have an elderly family member, why not  pop by and visit them?  What about time with an older neighbor?  I like to imagine a lonely elderly person receiving an invitation to your little event..it might just make their year.   In researching ideas, I learned that the most depressed group in society are the 60+ as they are often isolated and alone.  Given Ava and her “Grandan” were best friends, this struck such a chord with me.  I just know she would be so delighted to imagine some of the older generation celebrating her special day too.

I hope these ideas give you inspiration if you don’t have plans already but as always, the aim is just to take time in whatever manner works for you and yours.  I have created down-loadable Ava’s Tea Party invitations here for you to use as you wish.  There is also an A4 poster version should you wish to spread the word en masse.   Of course Belle and Boo also have their beautiful invitations available, year round.  If you’d like to purchase the Ava’s Tea Party illustration, you can do so in A3 here and A4 here.

Finally, if you are a organization, supplier or business and would like to be involved in Ava’s Tea Party, please email us so we can recognize your contribution.Thank you to these wonderful organizations who are supporting Ava’s Tea Party in 2011:

Babyology
Party For A Cause
The Lemony Cupcake
Dorothy Cowie School of Dancing
Babycakes
Little Party Paper People/Invite Me
Details Details
Belle and Boo

along with so many other individuals who take time out of their busy lives to pause for our darling girl for what would have been her 8th birthday.  Words could never express the gratitude we feel.  Thank you.

xx Sheye

ps  We’d love to see images of your tea party, if you’re happy to share.  Please upload to the Ava’s Tea Party page at Facebook.  Also, if  I could ask just one more favor?  While you’re planning out tea parties, could you also find ways to distribute the Ava’s Rule postcard?  Whether it be via email, Facebook or in print, it’s so vital that people be aware of the dangers of hot cars.  I like to think of myself as a vigilant parent yet I was unaware and my ignorance resulted in the worst possible outcome.   Over the past four years, I have received numerous emails from families who found their missing child in time, just because they’d seen the Ava’s Rule postcard.  Your simple act of distributing our message could make such a difference.

Keep up with Ava’s Tea Party via Facebook
Visit the Ava’s Tea Party website
A Superprincess

I had meant to just type up a post about the plans this year for Ava’s Tea Party..and I will.  Soon.  But firstly, I went looking for an image to go with my post. I wanted pink, pretty, princess. All the things you’d expect to find with a tea party post. Instead, I stopped at this. I stopped and stared and I remembered. I thought of all the things that made me love having a daughter. That made me first catch my breath while tears sprung to my eyes on hearing she was a girl. The times I’d stop and give thanks just to be able to buy hair clips and the joy I’d get from dressing her. That act, that simple act of buttoning her shirt, so many small moments where I’d fill to overflowing with happiness that she was here. Ava. I got her, I got my girl. I would raise her and she would grow and talk to me and fight with me and love me and we would travel a life together, as mother and daughter, seeing each other through good and bad. Oh, my love for her.

In this very image, I see all I adored in Ava. I see the ordinary, every day moments of contentment and gratitude.  I see all my hopes and expectations and I see what never was.   And, I see what Ava’s Tea Party is for.  I don’t mind if your plates don’t match. You don’t need to bake. Paper lanterns aren’t necessary. Please though, this August, take a moment..an extra moment..to reach out and grab your babies or your partners or your best friend. Find that person, find lots of persons, who need to be told how much they mean to you. And if you can’t say it in words, say it by sitting beside them and watching the sunlight hit the grass while you plan your tomorrows. Say it in laughter. Or in silence. Just take time and give thanks.   That’s all.

xx

It’s true, we are live.

And I’m just a little bit excited. After having spent the past..well lets not even talk about how long this has all taken..lets just say that this has been a while in the making. A long while since I began collecting pretty pictures and favorite fonts and an ocean of ideas to create a new site…all based in wanting something sweet and unique and meaningful to me. A custom website is a big project at the best of times but wanting to incorporate a beautiful place for Ava’s memories alongside my business and personal website needs was never going to be a quick thing.

While my inspiration folder (and sense of confusion) grew, it was ultimately a gift from my beautiful friend Fran, in the form of a Kristal Melson illustration, that formed the beginnings of the finished site you see here. I instantly fell in love with Kristal’s quirky style (read: knee high socks) and before long, I was sending her all sorts of snippets and imagery.

Not much later, she sent back my gorgeous enchanted garden, filled with memories and whimsy and pretty, pretty things. The child is my sweet Ivy, inspired from this image. Every element in this illustration is a reminder of something dear to my heart and the chimes you hear are recorded from a vintage music box, owned by Crayton’s Mum, Vivienne. The tune is Some Enchanted Evening. While I know most of you come directly to the blog, I wanted to give the full illustration it’s own special place and it now serves as a home page to navigate around from.

Over time, the wonderful Katie Kolenberg refined ideas with me and designed a beautiful, simple hand-drawn logo to fit with my love of vintage inspired fonts. Then along came Josh Nash who made things fade and blink and fly. Finally, to pull it all together, the rather amazing Renee Swigert from Ribbons of Red performed her magic and created something far beyond my greatest expectations. Every one of these people did a fantastic job and I cannot recommend them highly enough.

Please have a look around, you’ll see a beautiful new layout for Ava’s section that I’m particularly in love with, a new category called Pretty Pretty Things where I plan to share some lovely finds and lots of other little things that make me feel right at home.

I hope you love it here just as much as I do.

Sheye xx

When Ava was by my side, her presence was not just a physicality, it was a constant series of events.  Of course she existed as a separate entity but it was the events of each day, the interaction between us that defined her significance and our relationship.  It was an evolving, transforming,  ever-changing thing of spontaneous exchange.  She was not just present, but a presence.

When Ava left, when her small sweet self disappeared from my days, the void was immeasurable.  In every sense of the word.  As a presence, she was no more.  No interchange, no conversation, no misunderstandings.  No sharing of jokes,  no telling off, no long lazy cuddles as the sun rose.     Just no her,  no more.

Except the empty space was not really empty at all.  It was filled to the brim, and overflowing, with grief.  Brutal, black, all consuming grief that arrived with such ferocity I could not draw breath.  The vacant space that remained swallowed every thought, every sound, every waking, aching moment.   Grief became the new life force.

On a good day, the enormous grief loomed quietly beside me while  I’d think of a thousand beautiful ways to honor and appreciate and see differently.  I poured my soul into that place,  it’s what helped me find shallow breaths and face a tomorrow.   On a bad day though?  The grief smothered and blinded and drowned me.  For a whole year, we could not even make sense and for another year, we just tried to see through the debris.  And a third year?  Rebuilding and planning and busy making the best possible life for Luca, Mason and Ivy.  Finding joy, real joy, in the simple and seeing savage grief make way for a quieter and more stable grief.  A ‘liveable place’, the counselor called it.

But lately, I wonder.  What happens if the grief becomes too quiet?  What if the tears eventually come to a full stop and that energy no longer evolves?  If I should find that mourning became healing but then moved to healed?  If Ava is not present, and the all-consuming grief is not present, then what?   She, and time and tears and yearning and memories and prayers and hopes and regrets and wishes.  They have slipped through my fingers for fourteen hundred and sixty days and suddenly, the silence is deafening.

Four years my darling.  I cannot bear to forget and I cannot bear to remember.  I do love you, and miss you,  so very much. This is for you.

Ava’s coming and going makes me see more, love more, and fear more.   So many simple moments hold more emotion than they should..a curse and a gift and the reason why Ivy dancing around the garden yesterday still has me lost in grateful contemplation today.

Sweet Ivy, my little big girl,  thank you for you.

And, a little video..shot with absolutely no skill whatsoever but a whole lot of happy :) ps It really wasn’t cold..she’s just dramatic. xx