Immeasurable.
When Ava was by my side, her presence was not just a physicality, it was a constant series of events. Of course she existed as a separate entity but it was the events of each day, the interaction between us that defined her significance and our relationship. It was an evolving, transforming, ever-changing thing of spontaneous exchange. She was not just present, but a presence.
When Ava left, when her small sweet self disappeared from my days, the void was immeasurable. In every sense of the word. As a presence, she was no more. No interchange, no conversation, no misunderstandings. No sharing of jokes, no telling off, no long lazy cuddles as the sun rose. Just no her, no more.
Except the empty space was not really empty at all. It was filled to the brim, and overflowing, with grief. Brutal, black, all consuming grief that arrived with such ferocity I could not draw breath. The vacant space that remained swallowed every thought, every sound, every waking, aching moment. Grief became the new life force.
On a good day, the enormous grief loomed quietly beside me while I’d think of a thousand beautiful ways to honor and appreciate and see differently. I poured my soul into that place, it’s what helped me find shallow breaths and face a tomorrow. On a bad day though? The grief smothered and blinded and drowned me. For a whole year, we could not even make sense and for another year, we just tried to see through the debris. And a third year? Rebuilding and planning and busy making the best possible life for Luca, Mason and Ivy. Finding joy, real joy, in the simple and seeing savage grief make way for a quieter and more stable grief. A ‘liveable place’, the counselor called it.
But lately, I wonder. What happens if the grief becomes too quiet? What if the tears eventually come to a full stop and that energy no longer evolves? If I should find that mourning became healing but then moved to healed? If Ava is not present, and the all-consuming grief is not present, then what? She, and time and tears and yearning and memories and prayers and hopes and regrets and wishes. They have slipped through my fingers for fourteen hundred and sixty days and suddenly, the silence is deafening.
Four years my darling. I cannot bear to forget and I cannot bear to remember. I do love you, and miss you, so very much. This is for you.
Miss Mummy x
87 shared sentiments
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You will, without a doubt in my mind be in her presence again. Families are Forever and ever!
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sending love ♥ xo
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My heart aches for you today. Sending love to you and your family… xo
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so much love to you. thinking of you always.
jbxo
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Sending you and your family immense love.
Ava has changed so many lives and will continue to do so…thank you for being so open and courageous to share your story with us xx
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I seem to also be entering this stage. And last week my oldest (7 years old) told me he was afraid he was forgetting Evan. :o(
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Sheye,
i have a friend who has had to suffer the loss of two children, one shortly before she was born and the other at 18. We have talked of love and loss and grief a thousand times and will talk of it at least a thousand times more. I haven’t lost a child but what I do know of grief is that getting used to how you feel is not the same as getting used to losing someone. You can’t suffer the bone-wrenching, all consuming grief forever. But you will miss them forever; not crying for Ava everyday doesn’t mean you wouldn’t.
It’s just coping. And you need to cope, have to, and whether your concious mind wants to know that really doesn’t matter – it’s a survival mechanism, both for yourself and for your ability to love and be with your other children.
I love your blog and your stories of Ava – you have helped me help my friend. Take care.
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Hugs and kisses Sheye. Will never forget your sweet girl. She has a special place in my heart. xoxo
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Oh Sheye, I wish I had the words, sending you lots of love….
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Sending love & hugs Sheye xoxoxo
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Much sunshine & rainbows today & for always Rosemeyer family xxx
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The memories of your sweet Ava will always be present. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, especially today.
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sweet thoughts are being sent your way from far around the world. Rain drops are kisses from your beautiful baby girl who sits on her throne in heaven watching over her sweet mummy and family. Hugs and kisses XOXO
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You and your family are *always* in my prayers.
You share the saddest things with so much grace, and it shows just how amazing your heart is.
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“No, no, there is no going back.
Less and less you are
that possibility you were.
More and more you have become
those lives and deaths
that have belonged to you.
You have become a sort of grave
containing much that was
and is no more in time, beloved
then, now, and always.
And so you have become a sort of tree
standing over a grave.
Now more than ever you can be
generous toward each day
that comes, young, to disappear
forever, and yet remain
unaging in the mind.
Every day you have less reason
not to give yourself away.”
-Wendell BerryWendell has many other poems that speak wonderfully to grief. Hope these words touch you today and you may continue to hold tightly what is then, now, and always. With love. Becca.
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Oh, Sheye. The fact that it isn’t quite so raw anymore doesn’t mean you love Ava or miss her any less…quite clearly. I know I have been working to just nourish myself, as when I don’t…well…that’s when I really fall apart. Have you happened to ever hear about EMDR treatment? I have used it and it’s really helped me process the trauma that I have gone through, and so I feel like maybe there is some kind of life after loss, even if it isn’t what I wanted in the first place. I am holding you so close and with so much love, and I’m holding Ava so tight in my thoughts tonight. Love, love, love to you all.
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Dear sweet Ava…you are always on my mind. <3
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Such a sweet song for Ava. Thanks for sharing it with us.
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I think I understand this, because I go through these changes, too. It’s okay, it’s not okay; it’s bearable, it’s unbearable; we are building a life around the hole she left, I am falling into the hole where she was. I miss her; I have to let her go. It is a crazy reality; am I going crazy to be living with it? No, I am doing what thousands have done before me. I am honoring her memory, and weaving it into my life, day by day, as beautifully and gracefully as I am able. And I think you are doing this, too. She will always be the one, the only, Ava – and we will remember her with you.
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On June 13, 2004, my 10 year old cousin Jonathon died suddenly. As he sat and asked his mom if he could play a video game he suffered an aneurysm. Though he was not my son I can tell you from experience that as time goes on there are many more days where the thought of him are not felt like a physical punch to the gut. There are more days where we talk abut him without tears, think about him and look at his pictures without the heartbreaking grief. However there are still days where just hearing the name Jonathon steals my breath away, where my thoughts stray to him and a lump knots itself in my throat and it’s back to those first few days after we lost him. No matter how much time passes there will be days of joy and days of sorrow, what has helped my family is the knowledge that he knew he was loved and cherished and that one day we will all be together again. I hope that thoughts of seeing Ava again help your family deal with the grief. I “met” Ava just a few months ago accidentally on YouTube and fell in love with her. My heart, love and prayers are with you and your family today and everyday.
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Sheye,
I named my darling daughter Evangeline Ivy, after I stumbled upon your blog a few years ago, because your daughters names were so beautiful. Thank you for sharing them with the world, esp. SuperPrincess. I feel like I know her, through your eyes (photos) & words.You’re an amazing Momma & an inspiration to not only myself, but many others out there who can’t find the words or ways to creatively express themselves. I absolutely adore you, even though you have no idea who I am, & I want you to know, that you’re in my thoughts, as well as my prayers.
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She is always with you.
There was a brilliant pink sky here last night – thought you would want to know.
Hearts are aching but sending love to you all today and over the next few days.
Katherine x
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Sheye, it moves me so that you share your heart fully in celebrating and mourning your beautiful Ava. I’m praying for the perfect balance of enfolding and space for you. xo
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Love your words, love your pictures, love you xx
My tiny tribute to the Super-princess: http://vanessa-paris.com/blog/?p=2609
Vx
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I remember the seeing, the hearing, the wanting, the wishing, the crying, the more wishing, just like it was yesterday. Time has passed but true beauty-full does not. lotsa love xx
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Thinking of you, wishing I knew what to say.
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Dear Shaye, you made me cry once more… As you wrote at the beginning of the post, Ava was an ever-changing thing of spontaneous change. I think she´s going to be the same ever, see now? still changing but NEVER disappearing.
Lots of special hugs for today, from me to you!
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Sheye – time oh time – good and bad all at the same time – I remember it so. love and hugs and more love and hugs. xx Leanne xx
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oh sheye…what can anyone say. i’m filled with sadness for you. i hope the love of all your many friends is some small comfort to you at this time. xx
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What a beautiful lullaby – sleep tight and sweet dreams, Ava. In our thoughts, in our hearts. xo
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i promise you it will be safe here. inside my heart.
i planted it in my windowbox with the rainbirds,
the dreamflowers, pinwheels and pogo sticks.
now, when the wind blows,
my garden clanks and whirs and sings your name…dear sheye – with so much love for you and your family today and always. annie and i hold you all very close to our hearts. {annie blows kisses to heaven to ava all the time. i like that.}
always. xo m.
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Your sweet beauty-full Ava and your loving family has been on my mind. Sending prayers of comfort and peace. xx
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She left you Grace. Under, over, behind, and before you…she left you Grace. Your love will never end, nor will she.
XOXO
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Her pictures are always so breathtaking, I love to see the twinkle in her eyes. And of all the people in all the world, God chose you to be her Mother – he must surely love you a lot.
I think of Ava quite often – every time I pick up my camera to take pictures of my niece and nephews, every time I see pink or red polka dots, when I see whimsy or hear the birds chirping, every time I hope and pray that God will bless us with children. She really is amazing the way she has touched all of our lives.Love to you and your family.
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I can’t read your words or look at your pictures without crying. You are an amazing woman to be able to take those breaths every day … it’s hard to explain to people … oh, this lady I’ve never met in person, only through a website (MSF) lost her daughter in a tragic accident … I want to thank you for me making more time for mine. I think of you guys a lot.
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Thinking of you today, Miss Sheye, and your beautiful girl. Lots of love from me to you ♥
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My heart breaks for you, and for Ava, over and over. All the love in the world to you both.
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My twin sister, Camille, was two when she died. I don’t remember her literally but I feel her everyday. My parents started a day called Camille Day. It’s been 17 years but every year on the day she died, everyone who knew her, and family who didn’t come over and we simple spend the whole evening talking, crying, and remembering all she brought to our family. It is really sweet. You should do it to! I know she is watching over you and your family.
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Today is my sons 7th birthday and you remind me how lucky I am to have him and my 3 year old daughter. I am currently going through a divorce and feel like the weight of the world is crushing. But I sit here and read what you went through and feel nothing can compare. I pray I never know your pain. What a beautiful soul you are to get where you are today. Please know we are thinking of you.
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I just wanted to send all my love and prayers across the oceans to you today. What you describe is something most of us can’t even fathom, so its hard to know the right words to say.
You are a strong, amazing mother to your beautiful children and I am so thankful that you are willing to share such a personal part of your life with us all. You make us all love a little bit tighter. ((((HUGS)))) from North Dakota.
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Always thinking of you and your sweet Ava. Much love from Florida.
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My heart rips in half and I feel so much as I read these words. Your struggle to move into the healing phase but still need her presence is so vulnerable and raw. Real. Makes so much sense. I sit here with my heart pouring out to you and wishing, so much wishing.
I care so much for you sheyeness. I care for you through this plight, even far away. Know that.
xo
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This morning I woke up and read your beautiful blog. Later today I got a phone call to discover that my dear friend lost her baby boy in his sleep during the night. Today must be the day that god takes the most special of angels.
Your in my thoughts always.
Take Care
xxxxx
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No words can really express what I feel for you and your family and for sweet Ava when I read your words. “Knowing” her through your blog has made my heart grow. Every little life is really so, so big. I wish you all comfort, and love.
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No one could be more remembered cherished and loved than your little Ava. I truly believe you will be together again. Until then… cry, love, laugh, live. xoxo
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if only I could express with words how strongly i know that Ava is a little angel in heaven, watching over you everyday. And how much i believe that you will see her again. if only life wasn’t so long… so you didn’t have to wait it out. but i do know this, you will have her again! all to yourself!
whenever you share your thoughts i sit at my computer and cry and cry and then go to my girl and hold her for an hour. thanks for helping me to realize what i have! love coming from salt lake city…
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The whole of this is just so unfathomably unfair. We’ve had a pretty traumatic year, involving the loss of my sister in law (26), friend (27) and my friend’s daughter at two. Not grieving is not the same as not remembering or loving or missing. Ava made a difference in your life, your art, and the hundreds, likely thousands she’s been able to touch through your voice, through her presence. She may no longer be present in the physical sense, but she’s still a presence.
Much love to you and your family. xoxo
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Sometimes I let myself forget what you & your family have endured because it’s so much easier that way. But these posts remind me that life is not always to be lived so thoughtlessly. It reminds me to be kinder to people and to love people deeper and to be a better person. My heart breaks (breaks and breaks some more) for you. Thank you for sharing your light and pain and beauty with us.
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Hugs to you, your family and your beautiful angel Ava. I think of her often…..
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I love seeing in frames, I love the beauty in the ordinary, I love my camera, I love that when I see images I hear too. I love the latelight, I love finding moments I didn’t imagine and I love creating moments I did. I love learning more every day, I love sharing what I’ve come to know, and I love making pictures pretty.
I’m so glad you stopped by. xx
Sitting here on the other side of the world trying to send my love to you, I hope you can feel it. Lots of love and hugs to you and your amazing family. Hold them a little tighter today and always.
Denise xx