Immeasurable.
When Ava was by my side, her presence was not just a physicality, it was a constant series of events. Of course she existed as a separate entity but it was the events of each day, the interaction between us that defined her significance and our relationship. It was an evolving, transforming, ever-changing thing of spontaneous exchange. She was not just present, but a presence.
When Ava left, when her small sweet self disappeared from my days, the void was immeasurable. In every sense of the word. As a presence, she was no more. No interchange, no conversation, no misunderstandings. No sharing of jokes, no telling off, no long lazy cuddles as the sun rose. Just no her, no more.
Except the empty space was not really empty at all. It was filled to the brim, and overflowing, with grief. Brutal, black, all consuming grief that arrived with such ferocity I could not draw breath. The vacant space that remained swallowed every thought, every sound, every waking, aching moment. Grief became the new life force.
On a good day, the enormous grief loomed quietly beside me while I’d think of a thousand beautiful ways to honor and appreciate and see differently. I poured my soul into that place, it’s what helped me find shallow breaths and face a tomorrow. On a bad day though? The grief smothered and blinded and drowned me. For a whole year, we could not even make sense and for another year, we just tried to see through the debris. And a third year? Rebuilding and planning and busy making the best possible life for Luca, Mason and Ivy. Finding joy, real joy, in the simple and seeing savage grief make way for a quieter and more stable grief. A ‘liveable place’, the counselor called it.
But lately, I wonder. What happens if the grief becomes too quiet? What if the tears eventually come to a full stop and that energy no longer evolves? If I should find that mourning became healing but then moved to healed? If Ava is not present, and the all-consuming grief is not present, then what? She, and time and tears and yearning and memories and prayers and hopes and regrets and wishes. They have slipped through my fingers for fourteen hundred and sixty days and suddenly, the silence is deafening.
Four years my darling. I cannot bear to forget and I cannot bear to remember. I do love you, and miss you, so very much. This is for you.
Miss Mummy x
87 shared sentiments
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Sending you many hugs from afar Sheye. I think of your sweet Ava often. xoxo
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Lots of love……thinking of you all xoxo
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Sheye, thinking of you today, as I do many days. Sending you lots and lots of love. I wish there were some magic words for you, but hopefully it brings some small comfort to know that there are people all over the world remembering your sweet Ava. Much love to your family. As always, thanks for sharing your little girl with us.
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A special princess who has touched so many hearts and will never be forgotten. Thank you for sharing your beautiful words with us Sheye. Sending love to you and your family. xx
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Am thinking of you and your family. I often find myself thinking of Ava. Listening to Rockabilly Lullaby and thinking of your sweet girl brings tears to my eyes. I hope your “liveable place” continues to bring you joy. xxx
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Ken Wilber explains this stage beautifully…he wrote an amazing book called Grace and Grit about the death of his wife, different to losing a child of course, but an amazing spiritual journey. Years later, he visited a place they were together and these words make sense…’I dont think of her that much anymore, because she is a part of me that thinks.She runs in my blood, and beats in my heart, she is part of me, always so I dont have to think of her to remember her. She is on this side of my skin, not that, not out there, not away from me.’ Never forget that Ava’s physical presence found it’s first home in you….presence begets presence, and I think her spiritual presence will always be with you, as yours will with her. Much joy to you xx
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Dear Miss Sheye,…
from half way around the world i send you lots of love and wishful thoughts! Life will always change, but the love you have for Ava will last forever! As will her stories you brought to us in such a beautiful way! You keep me inspired to break out of the routine and cherrish my children and the time i have with them. Thank you!
We will be thinking about you and your family as well as your little princess today!
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I stumbled upon your blog today, February 5th of all days.Your words, your pictures, your mothering have deeply touched me. Thank you for sharing Ava’s life and story and your process through it all. I don’t know you but I know this from what I’ve read. You are wise, you are deeply loving, you are genuine and smart and you have been chosen to teach. Thank you for the gifts you bring.
Love and prayers to you and your family.
<3
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I miss you Ava..
Never ever forgotten..<3
I think it is beautiful that we have the same name.
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Sheye,
just stumbled across your blog – ahh, strange how these things work out – for I reason, I suspect.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
For the strength that goes into sharing your Ava’s story and how you continue to keep her alive by doing so.
I nearly lost my son at 6 days old and after a long hospital stay am so blessed to now have a happy, healthy 7 year old. At the time I thought I wouldn’t live without him (only 6 days old) and every week I think about how close I came.
I can only say that you have inspired me with your strength and grace and have given me thought that even if the worst was to have happened it is possible to survive.
You will see your girl again – I have no doubt about it.
Continue to share your grief with others in order to heal and inspire them.
My love and support is with you and your family.
Rebecca
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Have you come by the days that you can spend not even thinking of her? Those are the hardest, when you realize what you’re doing. It feels like you’re moving on and you don’t even want to, but you will. The guilt will strike you when you least expect it, want it. Your son’s wedding. Your second eldest’s first date. The argument you’ll get into with your youngest daughter, born after Her, about picking up her clothes from the floor.
Each and every time, instead of pain, it’ll just feel like a void is opening up inside of you.
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beautiful song for a beautiful little girl eternally loved by many…
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I started following your blog soon after your loss of Miss Ava. And though I’ve never met you or her, I still think of her often. She won’t be forgotten. I’m a better mother because of her.
Sending love your way.
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Hello Sheye,
You speak so beautifully of your loss and your grief. I come over here every so often to read your words and to feel the love you share. At the moment, we’re going through some of our own grief and visiting your blog makes it just a little easier to handle.
It’s obvious that many hugs are being sent your way…some of them are mine.
Michelle
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Sheye,
I am new to your posts/website/eye candy. I have read your beautiful posts about Ava before with lumps in my throat, however the tears are now streaming down my face and the lump feels like a giant apple. Every tear is a prayer for you my dear. You are quite amazing at putting your thoughts down so beautifully. I am thankful for your words as they put things into perspective and make me a better mum. Know that you are loved Sheye. Know that you and Ava have made a difference in this crazy world. Kisses to you lovely. xo
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Dear Sheye,
I think of you and Ava all the time.
tara
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Oh Sheye. I so know how you feel…my daughter passed away nearly six years ago, and I find myself alternating between feeling overwhelmed at missing her and at other times panicking because I don’t feel her as strongly and am worried that it means I am forgetting. And forgetting would be like losing her all over.
But I know that I am not forgetting….and I will never forget because of those times that I feel her so strongly as if she is laying on my heart.
I think of you often. This is not an easy thing to live with. Please be gentle with yourself. Many hugs.
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A broken heart from loosing your own flesh and blood never heals, but take comfort in your three other beautiful children. You are not alone and Ava is probably spiritually in Ivy. Ava is with you always. Children go to heaven after death, but they always stay close to their loved one’s. I pray that you find comfort and joy in your life. You deserve a happy beautiful life.
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much love from Texas to you…
I hug my Vicki- same age as your Ava- and think often of you..
I started reading your blog earlier that year and laughed as you would write… my gosh you saw what was going on with my Victoria… those two would have been fast friends I think!
Ava’s story is still being told by me and my girls.. she taught us a lot. I cannot imagine your grief and loneliness in that little space in your heart reserved just for Ava… may God bless you and keep you.
AnneMarie
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I have been thinking about you all week and hoping things are going well. Hugs and love from the USA for you and your family.
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As always, Sheye, you find a way to express what I feel in my heart, and do it far more eloquently than I ever could. What IS there if not our babies, and if not the grief? That thought terrifies me more than I can begin to say…
Hugs to you all.
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I think about Ava all the time and she will always be in my heart. One day I hope to be able to express what she means to me and what she was able to make me realize. It sounds silly being that I had never met her or you. Thank you for sharing your grief with the world, you’ll probably never know how much it changed my life. Just know that it has. I’m incredibly grateful.
Much love from NJ,
Sue
xoxo
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Sending you the warmest hugs, loudest kisses and all of our thoughts….the comments above touched me as much as your words did. Ava has changed so many lives for the better, as have you with your healing words. All 4 of your beautiful kiddos are so very VERY lucky to have you both as parents. Heaps of love sent from us to you:) xoxox
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For over four years, I’ve followed your blog and every February I think of you and your beautiful little Ava. I have one little boy (well, not so little according to him – he’s 10) and we let a heart shaped balloon go up into the sky around this time of year just for her. I can’t imagine having the strength that you do to continue to be a most wonderful mommy to such charming kids and know that there is another piece to your family that isn’t there right now…but waiting for you in a perfect place. Thank you for continuing to share her story — and yours.
xoxo,
a mommy
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Sheye,
I have lost count of how many times I have read this post. I’ve wanted to comment but still cannot find the right words.
Your girl occupies my thoughts so very often and still, as I felt 4 years ago, I almost feel ‘bad’ for thinking of her and missing her so much when I know that your missing and loss is just so much more. I still wonder how you do it ~ how you manage to make it through each and every day. But then you post gorgeous pics of Luca, Mason or Ivy and it’s clear that you have no choice….. you have to for them….. and for your Super Princess.
You still amaze me. You always will. Just like Ava will always be remembered and loved.
x
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Your blog is a constant reminder to me to live each day to the fullest. I love the fact that you still blog and share pictures and stories, it’s beautiful. Thanks for being such an inspiration!
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Hi Sheye,
I often come to read your blog, it is so emotional, from the heart, real and raw. It is almost that I can see and feel what you feel. I feel that way too. When I lost Bailey, the loss consumed me. And then 3 beautiful girls came along (whom you photographed in Oct last year). I love my daughters till I am almost bursting, but then there is the guilt – am I forgetting Bailey, am I not giving him enough of me, am I not honouring him…. the answers to my questions vary. I feel I cannot articulate it well, but then I read your blog and you seem to articulate my thoughts for me. You are an inspiration in more ways than you know.
Wend xxx
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For Ava
There is,
no need,
to say.
goodbye,
no fi-nal,
un-end-ing.I smell,
your breath,
across,
my face,
Your hand,
in the crook,
of my neck,I hear,
you call,
me Dear, Dear, Dear,
And that,
is faith,
there of,For you,
are here,
with me,
sweet babe,
Here,
and eter-ni-ty!-Emily Angela Graves 2.15.11
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My heart goes out to you and your family. Sending love and positive thoughts. xo
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Love, love LOVE to you.
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oh beautiful friend, that link. such a heartbreaking sweetness.
loving you xxxx
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Your posts are so touching, so moving. Thank you for sharing and being so open. My heart goes out to you and your family. And such a sweet link.
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There are no definitive answers for grief or the days, months, years that follow the loss of a child (or loss of anyone) Sheye. You will have good days and bad days, days where you are overcome with sadness and the loss, and the knowledge that you do not have Ava at any other age than the age when you lost her. There will be days of wondering, days of happiness at the thought of her, days that are easier and days that are unbearable. It is wonderful that you express all that you do….your words are beautiful. It is wonderful that you love your beautiful family like you do. It is ok to have days where you still miss your gorgeous, fun loving Ava….where you still think of her and don’t ache so much….Ava would want your heart to heal.
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I cannot stop crying as I have done before when reading your thoughts about Ava. So moved, so touched by your words…
Having 5 children myself I cannot imagine the enormity of what has been and what still is for you. I do believe after loosing my Mum and Dad that grief will always be present, it may not be as ‘all- consuming’ but it will always be present, like a hand reaching out to hold. For this I send you Heart Snuggles and one day on my travels to Brisbane I hope to meet you and share a hug.With Deep respect and admiration
Jae
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Sheye I too know this pain, the massive hole that is empty yet filled with deep sadness and grief. My daughter Korley went to Heaven February 2nd, 2011 after battling lung disease and waiting on a double lung transplant. She would have been 12 on OUR birthday, February 4th. We shared this special day, thank God. She was actually born with leukemia as an infant and started chemo at 3 months of age. she was in remission by 6 months, but had to continue the course of chemotherapy through age 4. She battled and survived. She lived a happy life until about 2 years ago when we noticed breathing issues and fatigue. She was on oxygen 24/7, waiting on lungs. We even got a call Dec.23rd, but the lungs were no good. She had to be admitted to the hospital Jan. 2nd, fighting for every breath she drew. She was placed on a ventilator and ECMO (heart lung bypass), she never recovered. This precious life did not end, it just took a different course. Korley lives in heaven with our Father and I long for the day that we catch each other’s eyes, run to one another, embrace, stare at another and laugh. Bless you, through the good days and the days when you just want to lay down on her grave and no longer exist. I know these feelings . . . but I have 2 other daughters to raise. God will give us grace and even when it doesn’t seem so . . . It WILL be sufficient.
In Christian Love from one mother to another,
Becky Davis
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Hi Sheye
I just wanted to give you a big cyber hug from a stranger … I have been reading your blog all day … your story is heartbreaking. I think all mummas reading it are amazed by your strength in carrying on as you are living what we dread the most.
Your photographs captured such a beautiful girl. She’ll never be forgotten.
Thank you for sharing your story
Kair x
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I love seeing in frames, I love the beauty in the ordinary, I love my camera, I love that when I see images I hear too. I love the latelight, I love finding moments I didn’t imagine and I love creating moments I did. I love learning more every day, I love sharing what I’ve come to know, and I love making pictures pretty.
I’m so glad you stopped by. xx
If she ever doesn’t feel as close (in a good or bad way) it’s because she’s off for a visit, quietly helping someone understand the sadness/distant happiness through your words that have touched so many and shown us that where there was (and will always be) fantastical amounts of love it is possible to find the strength to go on. You have been kind enough to share her, I’m sure she’s a busy little angel.