Flotsam. Jetsam.
So, our World alters again. It’s a strange thing..to adjust to being un-pregnant after I hadn’t really adjusted to being pregnant yet. The enormous hormone shift, the subsequent headaches, the packing away of pregnancy magazines and the non discussion of baby names..what a difference a week can make. On top of where we’ve been, in some ways it feels almost predictable – we’ve had so much disappointment but then there is no avoiding the sadness. This is unchartered territory for us, having never had so much as a scare in any previous pregnancy..but the statistics do say one in five. It’s hardly like me to follow the rules though so I shall remain shocked and bewildered, none the less. It also brings such sorrow to know so many of you have shared this experience. While the books say miscarriage is a normal event, it feels anything but normal to hopeful parents in the middle of planning a life with their new baby. It feels unkind and unfair and unfathomable. And it makes me feel like flotsam and jetsam..debris that floats around on top of the ocean, at the mercy of nature, without control.
Alongside the bewilderment though sits a deeper appreciation for those pregnancies we’ve seen through from start to finish. Such gratitude for having known what forty weeks of anticipation feels likes and to have met babies at the end of it. I’ve spent a good part of this past week staring at Luca, Mason and Ivy and just marveling that they are even here. To have knitted them together and birthed them perfectly. To see them grow and giggle and love. What. a. gift. So many people do not get that chance. We are lucky and we take hope in knowing we got this far.
Other things I am grateful for today:
Teaching our children resilience. I love that they learn first hand that life is not always fair but to never give up.
My amazing, amazing husband who has not let go of my hand since 03 Feb 2007 and held it just a little tighter this past week.
Friends..seen, unseen, life-long, never-met. I am so very blessed.
Spring. Everything feels better when the sun is shining..even whilst carrying the heaviest heart.
These images, they’re about what surrounds me right now. The haze and the beauty and my absolute adoration for the babies we see, and those we don’t.
As always, you have all been fireflies on my darker days and I can only say thank you..so much.
Sheye x
85 shared sentiments
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I have been thinking about you Sheye. You are such a strong and amazing woman and I truly admire you. Beautiful words and beautiful photos.
Take care,
Kelli
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Hang in there Sheye–we are thinking of you
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My son arrived one day after your precious Ava. I also have an Ava… I’m in such awe of you and your work. And these pictures are ethereal to no end. Sending much warmth to you and your family.
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Heya Sheye…resilience & perspective & LOVE to you x
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You are an amazing woman, Sheye
Lots of love to you, Crayton and your gorgeous children
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Lots of love to you.. as always.. and how big little Miss Ivy is getting.. these photos really show it.. and ofcourse she’s as beautiful as ever. And and and.. as usual always amazed at your photography.. i don’t know how you do it. xoxo.
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You have my deepest sympathies.
Lots of hugs.
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My heart breaks for you…to share your happy news with such trepidation and grace, and then to have to share your loss, which you have done, with such strength.
May the love of family, friends and “strangers” help you through.
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I usually read and not write. I know that is not fair. Thank you for sharing you and your beautiful pictures and your deep raw feelings. Like everyone else I wish you happiness and a lighter heart. I wish I could hug you and give you support. You are such a loving and talented person. These pictures of your little girl are just beautiful. I have a little one that just started ballet and I wish I had some photos like these. The light and the whiteness and the softness are just beautiful.
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I am new to your blog but I just wanted to comment on how sorry I am for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers
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omg u have one of the most beautiful lil girls i have seeen in my life.. shes sooo pretty sheye
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I just happened upon your blog from a photography site…love your pictures, and am so sorry for your loss. We miscarried at 13 weeks 3,.5 weeks ago and it was horrible..we were so very sad, and had already seen the baby on the sonogram, and become attached, and everything that goes along with it. Sorry you’re going through this.
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Dear Sheye,
A few days ago I came across your work and then your blog. I have never been impacted by anyone or an event like I have yours. I am a new Mum and have struggled with every little adjustment that this brings. Reading your story, I have learnt that I am truly blessed, to be given such a perfect life and soul to help along in his journey of life. I have stopped being that cranky mummy and that tired mummy and that ungrateful wife. From “meeting” you here, you have made me a better person. I also feel blessed to have found a brave person like you to inpsire me and make me a better person. My heart aches for you, but know that it is nothing compared to the pain you and your family has felt. I miss Ava, even though I never met her, and I grieve your baby you never met. I want to hug you so badly and hope one day I may be able to do that in person. Much love, xx Rebecca
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My heart is with you. You are such a good Mummy, with so much love to give. I am so inspired by your relentless honesty, it’s what draws the world to you and makes it a better place to be in.
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Hi Sheye –
I read your blog often because I think your photos are amazing, your children are gorgeous, and you have walked such a difficult road with a grace most of don’t possess a fraction of.
I just wanted to reach out to you and send you a hug. I know from experience how much it can hurt to lose a baby so wanted (I’ve lost 7)and how often the rest of the world dismisses it. My thoughts are with you.
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I have to admit, I have been reading your blog for some time now but have never left a comment. I don’t know why I haven’t, I am always so moved and touched by your words of hope and love and sadness….but always hope. You have an amazing ability to express your every thought, feeling, anything. Today, I want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss, but also to tell you of the inspiration you are to me. You see, I am 20 weeks pregnant and found out yesterday that my baby, although still very much alive will not make it. How long he makes it is up to God and him, but I may not get to hold my baby alive. I was told he has triosomy 18, and that if he does make it to full term he will most likely not make it home from the hospital. My world has been shattered. But then I remember what you have been through, and your words of encouragement and hope. I just wanted to thank you for all that you do, and your inspiration to so many, especially me, in my moment of despair. Thank you.
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You say it so well. Since another pregnancy loss at the end of August I have been smothering my 3-year-old with hundreds of kisses. I can’t get enough of him, and I am so grateful each day to have him in my life. My prayers are with you.
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Sheye,
that brought a tear to my eye all the way in Victoria Vancouver. As much as we hate it life does go on – my world is changing every day .. New things to see and experience and photograph. Kids learn new things every day but the pain will take a long time to fade. But something you can rely on your amazing husband and your beautiful kids. Big hugs from Vancouver island
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Sheye I’m so sorry to hear of your miscarriage. I stop in from time to time and am saddened to see this post but also so happy to celebrate the wonderful children you have brought into this world.
God bless
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You’re writing is beautiful even at this hard time. Wishing you so much love and happiness from far away.
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Keeping you and your family in my prayers..Such a difficult time for you all. I remember how difficult it is to lose a pregnancy and the emptiness you feel. Sending you hugs and warm wishes from Texas..
xx
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I haven’t checked in for a while and I now realise your sad news…I am so sorry this has happened to you….I recently lost our much wanted baby @ 10 weeks and know the feeling of a sad and upsetting scan..I hope you can try again and the baby will find you….we won’t be trying again as this one was a surprise, a much loved one all the same….xxx
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My lost son’s name was Keenan; it warms my heart to know he’s not alone out there and that he has such sweet friends as all these babies mentioned above.
My heart, my thoughts, my heart is with you all right now.
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I meant prayers, too :)
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I don’t know how I found you tonight, well maybe I do, but it’s a little murky. I found a scrap of paper on my much cluttered desk with your name written on it in my handwriting. I’m not sure when I wrote it, what the context was or why, but decided I better Google you before tossing the scrap away. What I found was a beautifully written blog and a place where I could let my emotions, which always turn a little raw in the Fall, out for a bit to mourn the loss of our first baby who we lost at 9.5 weeks in the Fall of 2003. I usually feel somewhat silly and shallow for the deep sadness that overcomes me as I watch a Hallmark movie on a Fall night (as I did the night of my miscarriage), I have two beautiful, healthy babies sleeping in their beds right now and for that I am eternally grateful. Yet still I mourn the loss of our first, all the hopes, joy and excitement, the anticipation and plans we had made, and I look forward to one day meeting our girl (I felt strongly it was a girl) in Heaven.
I am so sorry for the losses you have endured, are enduring, but thank you for your strength and the inspiration you and your blog offer to others. Bless you!
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(o)
A stone, a marker left to mark a path – a path taken and shared by another.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Sheye.
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The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Psalm 34:18.
I have always loved reading your blog, but have never left a comment before. I just wanted to say that you are such a beautiful person who have touched more peoples lives than you know. I will be praying for you and your family.
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A friend let me know of your blog recently. 2 days after you had your scan, I had mine – at 7 weeks but with the same ending. Ours was an IVF pregnancy, our 2nd this year. Funny to think that 2 of us are going through such similar turmoil (after suffering previous child loss, albeit that mine is of a different kind – see the design section of my website for our little girls story). Funn ier still to think now that of course we’re not the only ones! Hundreds if not thousands are feeling and thinking the same way as you and I right now… but even that thought doesn’t ease our hurt.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with the world. Your words are articulate and clear and show depth many can relate to. Your efforts are certainly appreciated.
Jenn
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You and your family are so very loved by so many – near and far. Mine thinks of you often….good days and bad – your positive outlook and honesty keeps us smiling and appreciative of the littlest things. Big hugs from Canada:) xo
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beautiful way to describe your pain…
I am so sorry for your loss.
I know that it doesn’t help much that it’s ‘normal’ to miscarry… as you say; it feels everything but normal.I got an angel boy; Elias – born almost half way throug pregnancy. april 2007
After 6 losses before that (aprox week 10) my hopes of ever being a mother faded to almost non existent…
15.August 2008 I gave birth to a healthy baby Vincent Leon ! He is my miracle :)Thank you for sharing… it makes it easy to share back, and that I belive is healthy.
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Oh Sheye, I am so sorry. My heart hurts for you…and for me. To tell the truth, I stayed away from your blog a bit lately – you’re the latest person in a long line of bloggy and irl friends who recently became pregnant – and it is something I want so desperately for myself. Medically, it would be a miracle. Not being pregnant when you want it so badly, hurts.
And tonight, my heart hurts for you.
I am crying for you, my friend. Love you.
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Dear Sheye,
With a lot of smiles and aches I once in a while glance through your blog. You are one of a kind. I am sorry for your los(ses). Also the comments and love from all your followers are endearing to read…I have gone through 6 IVF treatments without any luck, it is not the same, but I do feel your loss…XX
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These are amazing images….
HUGS.
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I’m so sorry for your loss(es). What breathtaking images. I am so greatful to have found your site today. You are truely amazing and insperational! Much love and prayers sent your way.
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I love seeing in frames, I love the beauty in the ordinary, I love my camera, I love that when I see images I hear too. I love the latelight, I love finding moments I didn’t imagine and I love creating moments I did. I love learning more every day, I love sharing what I’ve come to know, and I love making pictures pretty.
I’m so glad you stopped by. xx
Flotsam and jetsam…I can unfortunatley relate. I continue to think of you and I send you love and lots of ((hugs)). Oh Ivy is so much like Ava shes just gorgeous and your images … well they just speak for themselves. xx