253 sentiments shared

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us.”
- Charles Dickens

10.43am.  Monday.

He said,
“Sheye, come in.”
I went in.  With Crayton.
We sat down.
“Hello Doctor.”
“Hi. Jump up there, we’re doing a scan today, aren’t we?”
“We are.”
I jumped up there.
On the bed.
Doctor began to scan.
And scanned a little more.
And a little more after that.
A little too much scanning actually.
And too many seconds ticking by.
Gosh, it was quiet.
And so very still.
I put my arm above my head and searched for Crayton’s hand and drew in my breath and stared at the ceiling.
The quiet seconds kept ticking by.
While I waited to exhale.
Doctor said, eventually,  “It’s not looking very good right now”.
But we already knew that.
Pack away hopes.
Insert sadness here.

I wish with all of my heart I wasn’t sharing this news.  I wish the terrifying ‘what if’s’ were still just that.   Wish as I might though, it seems our very much wanted pregnancy has ended.

I know all of the happiness you’ve showered on us will be replaced by equal sadness and disappointment but please know, even with the sorrow we feel right now we’re still facing forward and we’re still so very grateful for nine weeks and five days of bliss and we’re sure there will be a perfect time for our perfect baby.   Everything will be okay.

With love,
Sheye x

1. Scarlett says:

   Sheye, I am so so sorry. Having had two losses myself this year I know that exact feeling of laying on that table and the time ticking on too long like you said. We’d heard heartbeats both times and dreamed that this would be the baby we would take home with us. It is heartbreaking, but I promise myself to push forward and love these babies I never held and pray for our perfect take home baby to come. Much love Sheye.

   
2. Sarah says:

   Oh Sheye, I’m so very sorry. I had a day very similar to that about three years ago. You brought me back to that moment with the way you described it. Sending you lots of love and hoping for happiness for you.

   
3. Life with Kaishon says:

   I hurt for you.