Wishing and Hoping {of a different kind}
This is not the post I imagined writing about this topic. But then this is not the blog I imagined writing about this family. I should know, more than most, to expect the unexpected. This is also likely to be a meandering ramble, please get a large tea and bear with me.
I once saw a story about why it is that certain memories embed in our minds more than others – why it is that some events fade almost immediately and some stay with us as if it were yesterday. It’s adrenalin. It’s meant to keep us safer going forward – if we encounter a traumatic situation which produces adrenalin, in turn it makes the memory of the situation stronger, and we know to avoid it in the future. This is the reason why I can tell you the most intricate, irrelevant details about the hours after Ava’s accident. And this is why, I can also recall in minute detail, the very moment I had this most unexpected thought:
“I need to have another baby”.
Actually, unexpected is really too subtle. Shocking is better. You see, in that moment, we still had four children here. Ava had not left yet. Not in body. She still had 24 hours left on Earth and doctors were still saying she should survive and loved ones were still believing she would yet, as her Mummy, I knew this simply wasn’t so. And somehow, in the midst of the horror and the disbelief, that thought came to me as I walked into the parents room on Sunday afternoon. Dimly lit, quiet, wearing my sisters dress that was a little too see through.
I recall the frown that crossed my face. The confusion and the guilt. The wondering how and why? Who mourns their child before they’ve even left? And worse, who thinks of having another child whilst so deep in tragedy? It made no sense and it made me ill with guilt until thankfully, one day a counselor explained that it was perfectly normal, within the realms of the completely abnormal Universe I’d moved into, to feel as I did.
It was though, still such a strange concept to me. I was previously so sure I would never want a fifth baby – we had hoped for four and four is what we were blessed with. Two of each, perfect age gaps. Everything we’d ever wanted. I recall a phone call with Jennifer one Saturday morning. Noisy, disjointed, interrupted-by-children conversation. Standing in the kitchen with the sun shining and a whole lot of assumption, I said.. “I mean really, we have four children. What are the odds of getting every one of them to adult-hood, well adjusted and happy? Surely one of them will give us a hard time along the way.”
How I wish.
So, over the course of a few months, and in the midst of our suffocating grief, we wondered. I took time to make sure that such a huge decision was not ill considered, given our circumstances. We thought it out and came up with every reason why having another child would be wonderful for our family. We wanted to see something meaningful, I mean really substantial, come from the loss of our beautiful girl. What could be more so than a new life? We would never, ever have dreamed of having another child so this person would not have been if not for our tragedy. We imagined seeing them at 21, on their wedding day, with their first child. We wanted something amazing from something unbearable. For not just us, but as much for our children, we wanted to give them something joyful. We wanted four here in our house again. Not noisy enough. Not busy enough. There just weren’t enough squabbles or laughter or demands. We yearned for something to hope for.
So, with all this said… three years ago in September 2007, we did in fact begin our journey for another baby. And for us, thanks to an ill fated decision after the birth of Ivy, the only way we could try was through IVF. With so much naive assumption and still navigating the early days of brutal grief, we excitedly faced our first cycle. And then, two months of drugs and anticipation later, we didn’t even get to transfer stage. After having four children delivered by the stork immediately upon request, this is not the outcome we’d anticipated. Actually, we were devastated. The IVF process, when unsuccessful, is nothing short of soul destroying. The hopes and expectations and waiting and believing. The needles and the scans and the tests and the tears. And then the nothing. The drugs make the hard days harder and then you find yourself wondering what on Earth you’re doing anyway. The news that our cycle has failed felt like a fresh downpouring of grief all over again. Looking back, it was a little bit crazy that we even went down this road so soon after losing Ava but you do what you at the time to try and keep facing forward.
So, five months later and still very much determined and hopeful, we embarked on cycle two. Different clinic, different approach..and we got to transfer. Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise, they call it in IVF World. I did the bed rest, I waited out the days, I was just so sure it would work. But it didn’t. Not even with double the hope. And the tears fell harder for twice as long but we know, time does help fade the awful.
A few months on and we began Cycle Three. By then the excitement was dulling a little and the expectations dropping a lot but we had so much hope..and real determination, still. We dusted ourselves off and believed, with all we had, that surely our luck would change. But it didn’t. We got the same horrendous phone call telling us it had all been for nothing. I was so anxious it wouldn’t work long before we knew it didn’t, I wasn’t really surprised..but oh the tears we cried. It was just so hard to believe that we were facing the prospect of IVF not working for us. So much of our quest was tied up in grief and to see the one thing we believed would help mend our hearts crumbling away was too much to bear. I knew I didn’t want to keep going but I didn’t want to stop either. Crayton wanted this as much as I did and by that point, we’d told the children what we were trying to achieve. With so many visits to the doctor and hospital, we just thought it easier to tell them so giving up just didn’t feel like an option. It was just so hard to keep going.
Cycle Four. December 08. We changed to a new and very highly recommended doctor. He was the man you saw when all else failed. Our faith was restored but the drugs were taking their toll. I remember that period as very, very difficult. I struggled to stay calm in the lead up to transfer day and became increasingly terrified that things would not go in our favor. I tried so hard to push my fears aside but all too frequently they bubbled over into teary tantrums. When we got the news that our fourth cycle had failed..our sky fell once again.
I gave myself no break then, I thought quicker was better and rushed back for Cycle Five. Two months later, in Feb 2009, we were in the same lounge-room on the same telephone when we got the same call. Cycle Five was out.
Just as we could never have imagined losing a child, we could never have imagined doing IVF and then, not having it work five times over. This was another element to our new Universe that felt impossible and strange and unfamiliar. But, indeed, there we were and in the back of our minds, we knew all about life not going to plan. About not having expectations and about there being no such thing as fair. It was hard, but we’d done harder.
Now, something else about this journey. Being an open person, it’s been strange to have kept hush along the way. I’ve worried that sharing our hopes for a baby openly might be perceived as a step away from Ava. It’s so important to me that she continues to be honored amidst Life Going On. No matter how much joy may be one day handed to us, I’m under no illusion that the missing of our beauty full girl will be reduced. Joy on the left, grief on the right.
We tried something new for Cycle Six. We had a long, relaxing holiday and we tried to forget where we’d been. We hoped all over again and transferred three embryos. We’d never had that many and for a fleeting moment, we thought we’d done it. The odds were in our favor and it seemed so possible. When a little while later, a blood test proved otherwise, I knew we had to be nearing the end. Two years is a long time to keep failing at something. I so wanted to be able to give our family a baby, but our family understood. It was hard on them too and we all agreed a break was in order. Anyone with status of Trying to Conceive will tell you though, you never really do have a break. You never stop hoping and you keep on trying new things and the yearning only intensifies every day. We spent six months exploring other options and procedures and medication and natural therapies to no avail.
In February this year, we embarked on yet another cycle. It didn’t really even get anywhere before it ended. A long story that I’ll just make into a short one…Cycle Seven, over and out. I’m not sure if the failures were getting easier to handle or harder..we kind of expected them by that stage but my resolve was well and truly fading. Or faded. I put a deadline on our mission and said we’d try one more time. Just once more before we’d have to reassess, which was pretty much code for “I’m done”.
April saw my best and worst cycle yet. Everything was text book perfect, I was relaxed, the protocol was easier, and I responded well. As it turned out, much much too well. In the IVF literature you receive back on Day One, there is small print and the mention of 1% that covers off something called Ovarian Hyperstimulation. OHSS. This 1% likelyhood saw me in hospital, morpheined up, for fifteen days. I gained forty six pounds of fluid in ten days, which they tried to remove via a drain in my abdomen. I vomited continually and needed oxygen to breathe. I cannot describe the agony or the misery that is Hyperstimulation. And then, the best bit at the end? You don’t even get to transfer because of it. They freeze your embryos and wait for you to crawl back from near death to attempt a new cycle. If I was having doubts about stopping the IVF torture previously, this sealed it for me. For all of us. The time away from our children, the impact on my health. It could not have been clearer that we were really done. We agreed that we would not attempt any more full IVF cycles, rather just use up our frozen embryos and should that not end in our favor, so be it. It was the one of the easiest, most difficult decisions we’ve made. How very, very much we wanted this to have worked. But how impossible it was to keep investing so much and get no result. We just wanted a normal life back. No doctors visits, no injections. No marking off calenders and waiting for blood test results. No more devastation.
So, along came July. And a less involved cycle with less stress and an air of acceptance we hadn’t really had before. We’d made our decision and no matter what, just having an end in sight made it bearable to at least try. On July 17, we drove the quiet Saturday morning roads to the clinic with a familar anticipation. I took photos of the hot air balloons drifting in the sky and stared out the window wondering ïs today a Red Leter Day?’ Would it be a date that mattered ten years from now? Or would it slip into the abyss of disappointment like so many others? The doctor sang while two of our embryos were returned to me. I kept the red hospital band from my wrist and felt the familiar wash of cautious hope fill my tummy.
I waited the impossibly long fourteen days. I filled the hours with an irrational mix of imagining and wishing and Googling. I drove myself insane wondering if an extra yawn or a funny smell or a blinking street light meant something. Anything. Come day 12 and the arrival of some clearly non-pregnant symptoms, it seemed we’d failed again. An ocean of tears fell and I moved the blood test one day closer to put us out of at least some of the misery.
One day closer came and then,
so
did
something
else:
Baby Rosemeyer Five.
Due 05 April 2011.
We’re still speechless and amazed and just, wow. And so very afraid of believing. It’s early to share and the whatif’s are terrifying but right here, today, at least I get this moment with you all. I’ve waited so very long.
xx
353 shared sentiments
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I have been waiting for your post for a long time, I knew it was coming, I could feel it in my heart but it had to be on His terms. I too have spent years waiting for the right time, wondering when I was going to be able to recieve a gift and wondering why I had to wait so long and to go through such pain and very dark days. I still don’t know why I had four miscariages but finally I was given another gift of life and I have a sweet baby girl, Olivia, and we celebrate Ava birthday together. I am so so very happy for you and your family, rest, it’s important. Thank you for your blog posts, I have learned much from your writings and love your work. Sending prayers.
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What can I say that has not already been said but CONGRATULATIONS!!!! (which of course has already been said) and thank you for sharing your stories, your memories, your joys, your enduring love for Ava (and each other) and for your baby-to-be. I will be following along as your new little love grows, hoping that you will write often, and wish nothing but the best — everything and the best — for all of you.
Reading in Ottawa, ON,
Julie
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First, congratulations and best of luck and sticky belly bean vibes.
I know your pain and agony, I have 6 failed IVF attempts behind me, one that ended in miscarriage.
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I have always thought there was another little Rosemeyer destined to come to you. What a lucky baby this will be. Congratulations to you all.
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Thanks for sharing, I am so glad you have been able to do so. May the rest of this journey be full of joy!!!
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How fantastic! And so close to your Superprincess’ birthday! I’m sure she had a hand in this. What an incredible post. Wishing you a smooth and uncomplicated pregnancy.
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was so happy to read of your good news Sheye … and the timing is wonderful. Thank you for sharing with us and take care vx
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Sheye, I am so happy for you and your family. Congratulations!! I have been reading your blog for some time now and have been touched beyond belief through your writing and honesty.
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sheye and family-
congratulations!! when i read your post i had tears in my eyes. the world is beyond thrilled for you. what a precious blessing for the rosemeyer family.xo, kate
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Much love and congratulations.
Amazing.
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incredible sheye.
many congratulations to you & your entire family. wow.
thank you again for sharing your heart with us. you are an inspiration to so many all around the world. i am praying for a healthy baby & a wonderful pregnancy.
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I have been reading your blog for awhile now and OMG !!! I am soo happy for you and your family..I have goosebumps !!! Congratulations !!! xxxx
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CONGRATULATIONS!! I have been reading your blog for what seems like forever and are overjoyed for you this is so exciting!! We too have been “trying” for almost two years for our third and starting to loose hope as well. I am just trying to believe what will be will be. SO happy for you, hoping you have a happy and healty 8 months ahead as I am sure your “superprincess” will keep her eye on you =) CONGRATS! Thank you for sharing this amazing news with us!
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I would have given anything for 1/100th of the love you have for your children- from my mother. I am so happy for you. You are an amazing woman and a mother that I strive to be. Hugs to you.
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Sheye,
What a joyous month April 2011 will be!!!
I too have been on the IVF roller coaster and discovered our last cycle that we were successful and expecting 22 April 2011!!!
You have a gift in being able to put such a difficult journey into words that touch people and I will be able to share this with my friends.
My thoughts will be with you as we travel this glorious path together.
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SHEYE!!!!!!!!
xxxx
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Sheye, Good for you and your beautiful family…what a GREAT story! All the Best for a healthy baby journey. Boy or Girl this will be a very LUCKY little person to have such a Beautiful Mommy like me.
All the Best to you Dear Lady!
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Congratultions! Wish you happy and healthy 9 months!
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goosebumps.
amazing.
congratulations!
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I am crying I am so happy for you – all the way around the world. I will pray for a healthy happy pregnancy.
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Blessings, blessings, blessings. That is everything I wish for you.
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I think – somewhere off in the distance – I hear Ava giggling. Congratulations and all my love.
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oh, sheye! may this blessing come to pass. may this blessing be yours! <3
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sweet, honest, beautiful sheye…
i am so excited for your wonderful news and just wanted to thank you for making yourself so transparent, so vulnerable and trusting all of us enough to share what i’m sure has been a difficult journey. ava will always be a beautiful part of your family, and now so will someone new. congratulations!
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My heart was beating so fast reading this, hoping and crossing my fingers for you, when I spotted the top of the ultrasound I burst into tears of joy for you and your family. Congratulations! Congratulations a thousand times over! xx
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Oh Sheye – so so so very happy for all of you.
xxx
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OH, SHEYE!!!!! When I realized what your post was about I was so tempted to scroll down to the bottom to find out the ending. Seeing the ultrasound photo was SO exciting! I absolutely could not be any more thrilled for you and your family! I’m so sorry getting to this point was such a struggle, but now that you’re here, enjoy every second if it. We’ll be thinking of you! XOXOXOXO
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Oh my word, what absolutely phenominal news! I am so delighted for you. I’ve had three months of IVF on the trot, Saturday is my husbands birthday and we’re going to harvest our eggs then (Fourth time lucky?). So I’m REALLY wishing, hoping, hoping against hope, this will be it. I stopped reading for a second to do something and told my husband what I’d read so far and he said after the seventh time it was time to give up………HA! Can’t wait to tell him your stunning news.
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Sheye, I have been a long time follower of your blog as many have, but never made a comment. At this point, how can I not?! CONGRATULATIONS!! I think you are an amazing mom, writer and photographer and I just sit in awe at you and your works not the least of which are your BEAUTIFUL kids!! I work for an Early Childhood Intervention program for birth-3 year olds and have shared your story often to protect as many kids as I can. Thank you for your bravery to share with so many whom you will never even know. Lives are changed because of you… far and wide… I cannot wait to meet your new little one! I am praying for a safe and healthy pregnancy and delivery! Laura
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God smiles softly
and hears every wish…
l,
d xxxxx… x
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Joy.
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Oh wow! I’m so unbelievably happy for you and your family!!!
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How wonderful for you all….you deserve this precious beautiful blessing…..so so happy for you all…..richest blessings to you all….. xx
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Oh Sheye,
I’m so very happy for you and your family! Congratulations!
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Oh I’m SOOO very happy for you! I cried when reading your post. My husband and I have struggled with infertility for the past five years and my heart aches for others who experience it. We have an adopted daughter who is two, though, and she is our JOY! :) I think of your Ava and your family often and pray for you. So happy for this exciting news! Congratulations!
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Our first took babe six years to get, although there was nothing wrong with either of us. She was worth it though! Now we are trying for number 2 and the months are dragging by! I am so happy for you and pray for the best for you and this new bit of life you hold within you. Hopefully I can say very soon that I am joining you as a fellow pregnant lady!
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WoW!!! So happy you’ve made it through the trial to get this little one. Can’t wait to see his/her beautiful person.
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Sheye, I have read your blog for a couple of years and always look forward to your amazing photography and your soul-stirring words, but I have never commented. Though it’s not the first time your words have brought tears to my eyes, I have been sobbing tears of joy for you (and sorrow for the pain of many failed cycles) while reading this post. I am pregnant with my first child – due in February – and while I didn’t have to go through too many struggles to conceive, I have watched others go through it, and I cannot imagine the bravery and strength and courage it took you to keep going. You and your family have a special place in my heart – one more small part of the world that Ava lives on in – even though I will never “know” you other than through your blog. I truly wish you and your family a beauty-full, healthy, healing 9 months and can’t wait to “meet” Baby Rosemeyer next April!
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Oh Sheye, I am so very happy for you. What an amazing blessing that you worked so very hard for. Huge hugs!
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I just can’t think of anyone in the world to be happier for, congratulations!
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To say that I am happy for you would be such an understatement. I hope everything works out for you and your family. Best of luck to you guys!!!! It’s so exciting!!!
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Sheye (and family!), WOW, congratulations! I’m in tears because I am just so happy for you :)
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joy. i will be praying for you and the family. i have two little girls and reading your blog helps me to cherish them just that little bit more. thank you for your inspiration. xxx
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Maybe you could change the post name title Sheye Rosemeyer » Blog Archive » Wishing and Hoping {of a different kind} to more generic for your content you create. I liked the the writing nevertheless.
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here and there and I am contented to report this newest statement is really more than a little good quality and very much more beneficial than 50 % the other waste I read today
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Wow that was strange. I just wrote an incredibly long comment but after I clicked submit my comment didn’t appear. Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again. Regardless, just wanted to say excellent blog!
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I love what you guys tend to be up too. This kind of clever work and reporting! Keep up the wonderful works guys I’ve incorporated you guys to our blogroll.
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I love seeing in frames, I love the beauty in the ordinary, I love my camera, I love that when I see images I hear too. I love the latelight, I love finding moments I didn’t imagine and I love creating moments I did. I love learning more every day, I love sharing what I’ve come to know, and I love making pictures pretty.
I’m so glad you stopped by. xx
Congratulations. I can’t even explain, nor would it make much sense from a total stranger, but you just gave me hope. Thank you.