Disbelief {Day Sixty}.
Where did you come from, baby dear?
Out of the everywhere into here.
A long time ago, I heard and loved those words. I tucked them away and often over the past three years they’d come to mind while I hoped. And waited.
It’s all still so completely surreal. Even as I approach my tenth week, I cannot wrap my mind around being pregnant. I thought a good blood test result would make it real. And then maybe a scan? Or a second scan perhaps? The gift of booties, the discussing of baby names..A little morning sickness, a lot of exhaustion..maybe my expanding self would tell me it’s true? But no, while all those things happen right before me, my mind cannot connect the dots and I’m still waiting to fathom. I hesitate to share anything about any of it..what if what if what if? But then I don’t want to get to 40 weeks (please God) and have let it all slip by without daring to notice. So, I will. I will share the exciting bits and the nervous hopes and keep trying to believe.
For all of my disbelieving happy, I don’t ever want to forget what it took to get here. It’s a huge part of this little persons journey and it’s what makes me so incredibly grateful, beyond anything I’ve known. To every person who shared their own experiences with infertility, thank you. And for those who are still hoping, I am wishing for you with all I have. I asked a nurse back at the start, “Are there some people who just don’t succeed with IVF?” (I was new to this, remember..) She told me that yes, there was, but persistence would be the key and it really was just a matter of time for most people. To me, that was a solid assurance that we’d get our wish. Just time and persistence. Easy. What I didn’t know then was that persistence is another term for enduring the impossible for time unknown and it actually runs out. Kaija commented that I’d shared how infertility is like grief in reverse. And yes, I think it is. I often considered how we were yearning for someone we had yet to meet…wishing and missing and all of those things that we already knew on a different level. It was a familiar despair. While I move into a new period involving obstetricians and due dates and birth choices, I still carry everything that went with three years of getting here. It’s a strange transition.
These two images, I took them on the way to finding out I was pregnant. They wrap up my feelings on that morning..the quiet and the pensiveness and the heavy, heavy blanket of hope. The moments of a defining day.
What has been amazing and real is sharing our news and being showered in such happiness this past week. Your genuine joy and your excited shrieks and happy tears means so much to me, thank you :)
In answer to how the kids took the news..they are all so excited. It’s the first time we’ve had children old enough to really understand what a new baby means and Luca couldn’t sleep the first night after we’d told him. He’s really wanted this, not so much for himself but for us..his competitive nature means he feels like we’ve finally won. Mason loves babies and dearly wants it to resemble Boo from Monsters Inc. He even asked if we can dye it’s hair dark if it comes out blonde. Ivy of course is just so thrilled at the idea of a living doll but did say if it’s a boy she won’t help with diaper changes. She’s also got some interesting name suggestions, such as Spike. And Boy Candace.
I have so many things to show you..after three years of fantasy shopping online, I have quite the stash of treasures waiting to be made mine. If only we knew the gender.. (Neutral schmeutral…no lemon onesies here). I will try hard to wait for another few weeks before I begin showering you with links to impossibly gorgeous nurseries. Except for that one..I’d best get it out of the way now.
With love and giddy excitement,
Sheye
xx
44 shared sentiments
-
So excited!!! Can’t wait to see all the pretty things you find :)
m.xx
-
I have no words that would adequately express my happiness for you and your family. *Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee* :)
-
Sheye,
Your photographic artistry had such a physical effet. It takes my breath away or melts my heart into a puddle in my chest or blink in disbelief.My random google search somehow landed me in your midst several weeks ago and how soul-shifting and timely it was.
Synchronicity exponential. I poured over your blog in chronological sequence and felt such a surreal connection to your writing and from the comments you get, this seems so natural an occurence. In your joy and your pain, you have an essence to your writing that makes a stranger feel like a friend.
I have been for the past year or so impossibly drawn to the sky and clouds.
Really as I child I gazed for countless summer days at the sky, leaning on the sloped backyard grass. When I was a little girl, one of the most vivid dreams I had when I was about 6 was being amongst clouds, playing in them. I was so incredibly sad when I awoke. Heartbroken even. It worried my mother. I tried so hard to squeeze back into that dream, every night I wished for it to return. I would day dream just to think about it whenever possible so I could feel it’s presence but it was never the same.So I was totally baffled when I was reading through your site and further stunned to learn about your friend Fran and creator of Cloud-dreaming on my very birthday (August 18th) which is also her birthday. And her words: “I choose to embrace this way of being” was what I so needed to hear that day. It was just too perfect for it to been an accident.
When my littlest was born, after much wishing and waiting, I found out of nowhere I started calling her Kokoro. She seemed to snuggle me infinately and that babyname just felt more correct than the Clare we placed on her birth certificate. I never knew it had a meaning and when she became 3ish, she began announcing defiantly that she was infact Clare and no longer Kokoro.
I just looked it up and the meaning is so interesting, this is what I found:
“Kokoro, then, has three basic meanings: the heart and its functions; mind and its functions; and center, or essence” It is in fact a feminine Japanese name.So treasured is your candour. Your ability to embrace your way of being is such a gift. The way your writing reaches people, connecting the threads in the universe together is truly enlightening and has an intelligence greater than we can imagine.
There is such a beautiful energy frequency around this site, and so many people in the world in their deepest wishing place, hoping for lightness of being to be more a part of your days. Normal days, normal days. With sprinkles of joy.
Namaste,
Idas
-
Hi Sheye,
I am lurker of your blog for quite a while now, I read all of your posts, but I don’t think I have ever really commented, maybe once or twice, not sure.
But…. I just have to say how incredibly thrilled I am to hear your news. It’s such a beautiful blessing to you and all your family, and I wish you all the very, VERY best! I can’t wait to follow your through this new and exciting journey, all the “exciting bits and the nervous hopes”.
Dannii xx
-
I cannot wait until you know if ‘it’s’ a she or a he.
Still so happy for you. xx
-
The “what if’s” … something I think we all share, a link amongst us all. With all this positive energy moving your way, I only see you having a wonderful, healthy pregnancy & baby. SO EXCITED for your family. I imagine you have a box of kleenex by your computer when reading your comments because WOW……………what an AMAZING & beautiful crowd around you. It’s really overwhelmingly interesting & awesome, all the same.
God bless you Sheye & Family!
-
I liked what someone said about sychronicity. I certainly do feel some personal correspondence there, too. And as for all new Baby Rosemeyers: Oh, please let there be some due accordance! :-)
-
By chance I’ve come to your site after inadvertently learning about “Ava’s Tea Party”. With a heavy heart, I read as much about your story, yesterday, as I could possibly fit into my day and now I feel as though I’m part of a very large community of kindness and support for a family as one could ever imagine.
The experiences of learning of your tragedy, the love of your family, the warm “hugs” of people from all over the globe and your soul soothing writing, Sheye, have humbled me. I feel as though I am a changed person…I’m sure I’m not the only one to feel that way.
Congratulations on your beautiful pregnancy! I can’t wait to continue to peek in on your family. Thank you so much for sharing your life with us.
Michelle Mutschler
-
Congratulations! I didn’t have the infertility side to cope with, but my last pregnancy was one of absolute shock and disbelief. A social worker in the NICU told me it is not uncommon for a mother who has lost children to experience a disconnect in pregnancy. It sounds like you are absorbing and processing and that is what is beautiful about the life growing inside of you. Life takes time to change. That is why we live in this condition. And I am quite excited for you and also apprehensive with you. Looking forward to seeing the treasures you have collected, and will drool over what ever nursery ideas you share!
-
My darling friend, Anna Bonick, led me to your blog and I’m overwhelmed with excitement for your family. We struggled with infertility as well and are thrilled to be expecting in March. Many prayers and happy thoughts for your pregnancy! Congrats!
-
Thrilled for you and your family. What joy. :)
-
what a beautiful post – I am so excited for your family!
we are going through a similar time – here is a bit of our story
-
I am just so happy for you! I am so happy you are sharing
your joy and that you are just soaking it all in, even though,
it’s so hard, and the not knowing of what is to come….I cannot wait
to see pictures of your darling new baby! I want this more for you than anything
in the world! Blessing Sheye & family!
xoxo
tara
-
Oh and I can’t wait to see what you have in mind for that nursery! The photos you took on that uncertain morning are lovely, there is something about them that really speaks to me. Continuing to think of you and that little bundle of joy being nurtured within you. xx
-
Last night I was in bed watching the moon through a slit between the window and the curtains. I don´t know why it remind me to you and your baby, and a tear of joy ran down my cheek. And I thought I would love to be pregnant too to share this journey with you. See the power you have on people???
Please keep sharing your feelings, makes me feel we´re friends. xxx
-
Sheye- you are my idol.
I am so happy for you and your whole family,
Your newest little baby chose you- and s/he chose very well!Good luck, and lots of love!
-
Sheye, you are so wonderful, your writing is so inspirational. and sharing your journey of terrible lows and tentative highs is something so incredibly special.
just linking your explore workshop registration details to a friend who is keen to get into photography. can’t think of of a better place than explore.
xoxoxo
-
Sheye, I have been a distant admirer for years now. I come to visit every now and again and am inspired and in awe of your beautiful pictures but mostly touched by your sweet little family, your loss of your girl, and now so happy for your new adventure. another baby, how beautiful and exciting and precious. please don’t ever stop posting and sharing your thoughts and feelings. I (and obviously millions of others) are better because of it.
your birthday picture video made me cry today. and made me hug my two babies a little tighter and longer. thank you for that.
-
You already know I’m so unbelievably excited for you, so I guess that I don’t need to say that.
And you already know that I adore your family and love your photographs, so I guess that I don’t need to say that.
And you already know that I am thinking of you and sending warm wishes, so I guess that I don’t need to say that either.
So I’ll just send love instead and say that all of those things that you already know? Multiply times ten.
-
i LOVE that you have a ‘pregnancy’ category now :)
xoxo.
-
Uh, such a beautiful post altogether!!!!’
Happy days ;)
thea.
xx(Spoonfulzine)
-
I am so happy. So, so happy for you.
Goodness gracious. Looks like you’ll need to hit the ‘seed’ website and everything else impossibly cute.
Are you finding out the sex?
X
-
Sheye, I’m so thrilled for you and your family! The gift of life is the greatest give God gives us, and I am praying for your baby’s safety in the womb and out. I think it’s wonderful for you to go ahead and spread the news. You will have more prayers, more support than if you didn’t, a whole other community of people met and unmet thinking about you, your unborn baby, and your family. I cannot wait to see (hopefully) pictures of you and your baby belly. I can’t imagine you (as a photographer) not having any or sharing any ;-) No pressure. :-)
-
Sheye,
I’m overwhelmed with joy for your family. Congratulations to you all! Much love and many many HUGS!
Rach
-
so many hugs x
-
happy days xoxo :)
-
I just returned from India and learned of the exciting news. Yahoo!!! Tears of pure joy for you, Sweet Beloved Sheye! Praying everything goes so well. Lots of love
-
I am beyond happy for you, for you and you family deserve all the happiness in the world. I have followed your blog for a long time and really look up to you as a person and a mother, even in your darkest hour, your strength and your grace came shining through. You are beautiful inside and out and baby #5 will be more than blessed to have your as their mother! CONGRATS!! XOXOX
-
I read about your hard way to this child. congratulations and wish everything goes well. God bless.. Love j.
-
Thanks for keeping us all apart of your journey. Love it. =0) I love your tree pictures you took on that day. Are you going to hang them in the nursery? I sure hope so. They are so beautiful. I love trees and my living is filled with photographs and paintings of them. .=0)
-
The above comment is from KINSAY…. Forgot to add my name
-
Just checked in after not being on the site for a while and I think my heart skipped a beat. Congratulations!!!!!! Heavenly news.
-
So so happy for you. We are going through IF at the moment, it’s so wonderful to hear about your journey:)
-
hey sheye~ i am an avid reader of your blog, we are friends on facebook, too… just wanted to say i think you are the most beauiful person. i thought you deserved ‘the versatile blogger award.’
you can check it out here:
http://rhodesingeneral.blogspot.com/2010/09/versatile-blogger-award.htmlmuch blog love,
jane
-
The above comment is from me … Forgot to add my name
-
oh just wondering if you have discovered Little One Baby yet? It is such a beautiful magazine full to the brim with amazing finds for baby and you. I love it and pour over each amazing episode. Sure you will find very beautiful things for this new precious bubba!
-
Sheye,
I have never met you and live across the world but reading along with your blog has touched me many times. I know Infertility personally. We met and fought and just once after much waiting, I won. My daughter is nearly 14 months old now. The fear to get excited in the beginning is all too familiar to me. I have such joy for you and your strength of spirit, hope, and peace. Be many things at once, afraid, happy, nervous, excited, and let those emotions float around you…for the next 7 months you are definitely not alone with your body! Blessings to you and your family.
-
Sheye,
I read you blog very frequently and am elated with the news of your pregnancy! My daughter Jordan Adele ( an avid Sheye reader and commenter!) have been brainstorming names….we thought of Paisley and Pressley last night. Just two more “bees for your bonnet”! Have a lovely weekend.
-
BIG sigh!!!
Oh Sheye, you have the most amazing ability to put into words what I am unable to even think up. I have all these pent up emotions that you somehow manage to speak to. I’m not sure if it scares me or makes me feel better, see, I can’t even express that feeling.
I have 9 days to countdown to see wether or not my IVF has worked…..I so badly NEED this right now….
-
Oh sheye,
I am so excited for you and your family!!!
I don’t know you but I give you a big hug.
-
So soo sooo happy for you… such a lovely lovely person you are-
-
Heya Sheye…love the pics; Dark & edgy. I can just imagine Kate Bush frollicking around amongst it all, belting out a rendition of ‘Wuthering Heights’!! Cool :)
-
Sheye, Creyton, Luca, Mason and Ivy, congratulations to you all, how exciting cant be long now. I think of you all often, would love an email with your address please.
All my Love and wishes biggest Hugs
Netty
Leave a Reply
I love seeing in frames, I love the beauty in the ordinary, I love my camera, I love that when I see images I hear too. I love the latelight, I love finding moments I didn’t imagine and I love creating moments I did. I love learning more every day, I love sharing what I’ve come to know, and I love making pictures pretty.
I’m so glad you stopped by. xx
Just so incredibly happy for you and your gorgeous family.