All the corners of my soul.
Did you know, I woke with her that day? Sleepy, quiet, morning hush. Messy hair and making plans and cartoons on tv.
And did you know, we played together? We laughed and we teased and we talked over our favorite toys.
And something else, I adored her that day. I held her and I hugged her and I told her I loved her.
And she loved me back.
But did you know, I raised my voice? She was three and I was tired and my forever days will regret that I didn’t just take a deeper breath.
Did I tell you too that I knew? That I found her and my heart stopped and my World shattered and instantly, I knew. Her Daddy held her and I knew. It will be okay, she will make it through but oh, no. I knew and I knew and I knew.
Did you know that reporters filled our garden while grief filled our souls and someone sent roses from Texas? That I lay on the floor and I sobbed to my core and I begged her Daddy to fix it?
Did I mention that I hate Halloween and I can’t bear the smell of Easter lilies and that Saturday afternoons still don’t feel right. That I don’t like the news and I can’t eat cashews and that I can never walk to the car without fear. I still have her dirty clothes, I still can’t watch her videos and three years, four months and an eternity further on..I still don’t understand.
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Oh, The Missing. Not unexpected, for it hovers in the before. A vague sense, a hazey blanket that wraps around while memories and wishing increasingly interrupt the present. And then, there it is. Stealing the breath from my lungs, it is. In front of the beauty and the excitement and the gratitude, The Missing sits. Today, I cannot stop my thoughts from floating to her face and her laugh and the pain in my heart.
Ava, in every part of the World, and all the corners of my soul, I miss you.
165 shared sentiments
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Love from me, Sheye.
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Your Ava is never far from my mind, she is such an inspiration in my life and in my days with my girls. HUGs to you Sheye. I will never understand why God chose Ava, but one day you will hold your darling girl again and all will be right with the world when you do….
these pictures are priceless, as is every single picture of your sweet AVa.
love, tara
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Sheye, I had to read this in bits, and I cried and cried and cried. I am so so sorry. I don’t know what else to say, except my heart goes out to you and your beautiful family.
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She is, of course, right there, in the very middle of the most beautiful moments… How could it be otherwise…
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I have your blog under my favorites and check it almost every day for new posts. My husband have four children our youngest being our only girl who will be three next month. I cried today when i read your blog just like I have cried so many times before. My heart aches for you tonight again. Please know you have touched my soul.
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It’s amazing what you can do it words! It made me cry so bad…
I heard of Ava a few months ago and since them and check you blog very often.
You and Ava and your family are always in my toughts, and Ava’s story definately changed my life.
You are real Sheye, thank you for sharing you toughts.
Stay strong xx
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Speaking of soul…your soulful writing and hurting words never fail to bring a tear to the eye. What any of us wouldn’t do to take that hurt away.
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Thinking of you always Sheye, sitting here sobbing and thinking and ‘feeling’ and wishing and wishing that things could have been so different.
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Sheye – your words, your pain, your beauty and courage. Heart heavy with sadness for you…
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Love for you, Sheye… and for your family, and for Ava. xx
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Sheye, I haven’t looked at your blog in some time but came to look for the ornaments you put on Ava’s tree some time ago. I’m SO sorry for your pain. I do hope it time it will ease and that you might have some answers. It is clearly so very very difficult. I ache for you though I’ve never met you and your beautiful daughter. May you find the strength to go on.
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As we have been travelling many, many miles we have not been near a computer for weeks and now that I have access to one all I wanted to do was check in with your blog. And oh, how I cried and oh, how I look at my sleeping child and am reminded to be patient even when we are all exhausted. Wherever in the world I am, you and your family are always with me and in my thoughts and prayers.
I love you so very much.
Michelle
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xox
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i am so sorry for your loss, and i hope that today was an easier day for you. xoxo
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Lots of love and hugs to you Sheye.
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I know xxxxx
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What intimate, personal, and precious words these are and how incredibly brave of you to share them. You know, all your words turn into hugs and kisses. I think Ava waves her super princess wand and like that, they just do! I can’t imagine a mother reading this and not kissing and hugging and holding and adoring and taking a deeper breath and all the time thinking why why why right along with you.
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Sending you love Sheye, and wishing you peace…
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Love to you all xxxxx
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This intensity too shall pass, and of course be back again. When it visits, and all is heavy, you are loved. You will always be loved. Take comfort in that support NEVER going away.
xxx
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My love for you will last an eternity
My hopes and dreams now carried
on the fragile wings of each butterfly passing
compelling me to pause,
to savour each moment,
each flutter in my heart, your wings.(author unknown)
my heart aches for you and your family.
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My heart is breaking all over.
My sister died two months ago and I thought it might get easier…
and it doesn’t.
I’m so sorry.
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oh sheye. the heart that aches. i’m forever sorry. xo
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Sheye, If only I could shoulder some of your grief I would. I hope and pray tomorrow is a brighter day. You are in my thoughts today and often. x
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Oh, Sheye, my heart simply *aches* for you. I SO know. I know.
HUGS.
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Why do I come back to this blog over and over, to cry over a child I never knew, to indulge my worst fears as a parent of a beautiful, vibrant little girl, to experience grief that is not my own?? Why do I do it? I guess because your blog helps me understand more fully what it means to be human, to live in the face of death, to exist in a world where anything can be snatched from us. And because you, somehow, show us the beauty of being alive, even through the worst life has to offer. Thank you for sharing Ava, and the pain of losing her, with us. It is an incredible gift to the world.
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Love to you and yours…………xoxoxoxo
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Much love to you Sheye, is all I can say.
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Oh Sheye, I’ve pondered for a few days over what I could write, something, anything that might ease your pain. I guess the reality is there is nothing that I can offer to help ease your pain, how I wish there was, I would in a second. I do want you to know however of one thing that I am certain … your super princess adored you is so proud of her mama.
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my heart aches for you…praying for you and your family.
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again you have echoed exactly what is in my heart…
it took me 6 years to watch the videos of Mark…
how amazing you wrote this on this day…19th June was 8 years of this feeling for me…
do you know I knew too…I could see the look in the doctors eyes…I prayed I was wrong but I just knew I was not going to bring my boy home…
I hope to one day meet you…
thank you again for your amazing words
xxxx
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I have a three year old little girl and she is my whole world. I could never imagine what you feel everyday, but I love your beautiful words and your beautiful memories of your baby. Your pictures of her are beautiful! I think that you writing about her so often keeps her alive. You help remind me to cherish and appreciate what I have. I also get a good cry everytime I read your words.
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Love to you and your family Sheye. How could you ever not miss her. <3
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Sheye,
I can’t say anything more than I already have many times before.
You and your Superprincess have changed who I am.
Have made me a better mother.
So much Love to you xxo
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I raise my voice far more than I should. Your words just went straight to my heart. Thank you for being you and sharing so much. Thoughts and prayers are with you and your sweet Ava.
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hugs…tears. so sorrry.
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So many tears and so many hugs. Oh how my heart aches reading this…
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I wish there was something I could say to help you but I know that there is not. But know this, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you WILL see your Ava again. That you will once again get to hold her and love her. You inspire me and although I don’t know you, I truly love you and thank you ever so much for being the catalyst that has helped me be more patient and loving to my kids. You are in my prayers.
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Sheye, I wish I could hug you. Sending you love from across the miles.
Tamara
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I’m in tears. Please try not to be hard on yourself. You are an amazing mum to your children and to Ava. I come here often and never know what to say. You are in my prayers and it is because of this post that I held my 19 month old boy tonight until he fell asleep in my arms. Thank you x
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Speechless, in tears. Hugs and love to you, Sheye. God Bless.
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Oh my…as all air escapes my body I cannot imagine your pain. The pain emitted from this post is but a drop in your ocean and yet I am so thankful you shared!
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My heart and my thoughts go out to you and your family…
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Because of you and Ava, I now take a deeper breath with my children. Thank you. xo
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I am SO THANKFUL for our Heavenly Father and for His eternal plan of salvation and that families can be together FOREVER…for all eternity! You will always be her mother and someday you will once again have an opportunity to be with her and take care of her, love her, teach her and be mommy to her. My prayers of comfort are with you!
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Oh shaye..
Sweet dear…Iknow your pain and it makes me cry…One day, one day all will be answered as to the “whys”..second..by second..day by day..and the sun will shine again in streams of joy…oxoxox
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Shedding a tear and thinking of youxxx
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Shaye, I truly want to thank you for making me appreciate my children and hopefully making me a better mother. Now, when my 4 year old asks me if she can put on my make-up, I say ‘sure’. Because I remember what you said about saying no. Thank you for your honesty and your beautifully written words.
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{{{hugs}}} to you….beautiful Sheye.
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I love seeing in frames, I love the beauty in the ordinary, I love my camera, I love that when I see images I hear too. I love the latelight, I love finding moments I didn’t imagine and I love creating moments I did. I love learning more every day, I love sharing what I’ve come to know, and I love making pictures pretty.
I’m so glad you stopped by. xx
BIG hugs to you, Sheye. You are in my heart right now and always.