Old. New. Newer. {Reasons to love Februrary}.
If it were the me of three years ago writing this, I’d be complaining today. I’d be annoyed that our new flooring install didn’t begin on schedule. Or that the doors aren’t ready. I’d feel stressed that Mason missed swimming and I’d probably be pretty miffed that Crayton’s hire car got itself scratched and dented this morning.
Writing from the New Universe though, my only real reason to complain today would rightfully be about today marking the start of February. The month of missing and wishing and life-a-changing. It’s the month that plunged us from carefree happiness to the darkest of voids. Where nothing was ever the same.
It seems though, my new is changing too. As I approach a third February without Ava, the new includes so many lessons and so much beauty I just don’t feel I have a right to complain. Of course I miss. I wish. I yearn. Every single day. I forget a life that didn’t include those things. But I can also look back on thirty six months and see how far I’ve traveled. Or, at times, been carried. I prefer the new me, I like the life I’ve created out of ruin. I know less fear, I filter out the unimportant and I know what it is to truly, deeply love. So many beautiful things to be glad of.
I don’t write these words lightly. It has taken a lot to get to here. I had three choices after February two thousand and seven. I could cease to exist. (Shocking? Not really. Ask anyone deep in grief how viable that option might seem at times.) I could continue on breathing whilst moving nowhere. Barely enduring grief filled days that would undoubtedly project onto my other children. Or, I could do something even harder. I could make a promise that Ava would not leave un-noticed. That I would do better. As a mother, a wife, as my self. That our new family would survive and be strong and embrace what remained. That I would live life. For Ava.
I consciously chose the latter. There were many, many days where the grief smothered my hopes. There will be more to come. But three years on, I see our family as happy again. We’re mending. We cherish one another, and our memories of Ava. Our Superprincess shines as brightly as she ever did. I look forward to including her in so many beautiful ways going forward and know that we will never let her light go out. While I know there will always be moments where The Missing sneaks up and steals the air from my lungs, today the bigger picture fills my heart.
Happy February.
Love, Sheye xxx
139 shared sentiments
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Sheye, just wanted to remind you that you are AMAZING. I’m constantly astonished by how wise and strong you are and wanted to thank you for sharing so much of youself. Inspiring beyond words.
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Sheye,
I love your choice. It’s a hard one to make and as time passes it’s even more important for me to make that same choice. I’m in a love/hate relationship with grief. I love who I’m becoming. I hate what it took to get here.
Much love,
Bridget
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Sheye,
I’ve followed your blog for at least a year now, and I would cry for your loss and hold my children just a bit tighter after reading posts like this – never really knowing the hurt you feel. But I lost my third child at 18 weeks gestation this past November. I grieve daily for my little boy, and that grief makes your posts all the more real to me. I will pray for you and also try to take the lessons you’ve learned to heart.
Thank you,
Amanda
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sheye~ you’re my hero.
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YAY !!!!!!!
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Yes, that’s it exactly. I did the exact same thing–I chose to live a life to honor Hannah, a life that would show she is not forgotten. A life more Beauty Full. :o)
The photos of Ava are gorgeous.
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You’re a truly inspiration, you’re such an amazing person..god bless . x
Ava..the beautifulest ever child..will NEVER be forgotten../
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Your words are just so inspiring Sheye and the photos of Ava beyond beautiful. You have been on such a difficult and heartbreaking journey these past 3 years and I am so glad that you are finding happiness and beauty in your life now. Ava will always be remembered. xxx
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Sheye, your writing is beautiful and so honest. Thank you for sharing. Remembering your Ava and keeping your family in my prayers a bit more this week…
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Sheye,
I always struggle for words to comment on your posts, there are not words to describe you and your amazing family.
Thankyou for being so open over the last 3 years, your words are beautiful. You are an inpsirational woman. You have revived my passion for photography but also helped me to become a better person.
We will never forget Ava and I will pray for you and her this February.
God Bless x
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Sheye: You will never know how much you have affected my parenting in the most wonderful way. I think of you and Ava so often in a lot of the choices I make; to give an extra hug, to let her wear what she wants and taking time to enjoy each second I have with her. You couldn’t have given me a nicer gift EVER than to be so brave as to share your journey. These pictures are beautiful, as was she and I have never noticed how deep warm brown those eyes are in any of your previous pictures. Such a beauty! I always think what a lucky little girl Ava was to have you for her Mommy and to be a member of such a wonderful family.
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Wow Miss Sheye – you are amazing & your heart & strength takes my breath away! I’ve been having a rough month but I read your words & it fills me with hope & reminds me that life is good…I love, I laugh, I’ll be ok! Thankyou sharing your world & for inspiring me to be more positive! xx I’m thinking of you guys this month! xx
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You have reminded me to keep all the doors and windows open during a hurricane, for as terrifying as that may seem, it is the most pure way to survive. You teach us so much more than survival though – you teach us to embrace the storms that make our lives richer on the other side, and that there is indeed life on the other side. And for those of us who have not known suffering like you, you teach us to live as if we have so that we will love deeper, and live fuller lives now. Thank you as always for your painful and potent words – they cut to the quick in the kindest way. Have a listen to this talk sometime when you have a moment – I love what she says – obviously nothing compared to your grief, but the lessons on the other side are awake and wise… http://www.ted.com/talks/jk_rowling_the_fringe_benefits_of_failure.html
as always, thank you xx
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Thinking and praying for you all.
Beautiful and inspirational words. You are truly amazing.
xoxo
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I feel like hugging you, virtually of course, but still.
I remember when I’ve learned about what happened to Ava, I’ve been lurking around for a while, and I’m still pretty much lurking. I felt pain for you and your family. I’m moved by your strength and your family strengths.
Hugs you.
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She is breath taking.
There must be purpose in the struggles. You are a beautiful person who inspires so very much.
I’m thankful for you and your friendship (even just online).
xo
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Sheye I stumbled across your site last year and I will never forget it, my heart was so heavy for you, Ava and your whole family. You have all truly touched me, there is not a day that passes when I don’t think of you all and Ava. You are so inspiring with your photography and writing. There are alot of people thinking of you at the moment. Sending warmth, love and hugs your way. Lisa
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i adore your work. are your eye candy actions compatible with corel paint shop pro?
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beautiful girl. sending just so much love your way. you are amazing, every single moment. I can’t wait to share a tiny piece of February with you. xxxxxxxx
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Your writing is just incredible Sheye. Brings me to tears every single time…whether they be tears of joy or sadness. You are such a strong, brave woman and an inspiration to us all. Thank You
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my thougts are with you and your family on this beautiful February!
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Dear, sweet, beautiful Sheye. I lost my little Gavin 3 weeks ago. . . I lost his namesake (my 21 year old baby brother) around the same time you lost your Ava, and today, someone sent me a link to this post.
THIS is perfection:
“I could make a promise that Ava would not leave un-noticed. That I would do better. As a mother, a wife, as my self. That our new family would survive and be strong and embrace what remained. That I would live life. For Ava.”
You’ve written the words to the song of my heart. :)
There’s a little Valentines poem on my blog that just might make your heart smile: “Hello February” http://tinyurl.com/yklhwyl
Thank you tenderly for being so dear.
xx
Natalie
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Dear Sheye, again I am teary but through these tears I have hope. Hope for you and your loved ones. Hope for the now, the future and the past.
Much love
Kate xxx
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Truelly amazing, really sad, but so pure, I am with you, always
XX
Mies
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Sheye… I wish you could bottle up whatever it is that makes you the person you are and send some to me. To have even just a slither of your strength and outlook at the moment ….
I am staring at Ava’s photo at the moment and trying to think of something else to say but I can’t.
Always, each and every day, I am thinking of you and your daughter.
Much Love xxx
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I’ll be thinking of you all this February and every February. It’s never going to make it easier for you, but remember how many lives your beautiful daughter has touched. Much Love x
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Hi beautiful girl. Just read this today after two days away… and at 11:24pm, I’m touched. And I really miss you. Wish we could be together so I could give you a big huge hug. You share and share and I love you for it. Thinking of you and missing you. xoxo
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I’m so glad you chose the latter! Not only would your family have more of The Missing if you weren’t there, but no one can stand up and keep a child’s light aglow like their mother. On top of that, the world would miss out on some beautiful photographs and a beautiful photographer! I know I don’t even know you, but (((HUGS))) to you for your strength – even when you’re being carried.
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I’ve been so down lately and part of me has lost sight of the bigger picture for a time. I know it is part of the waves of grief those of us who have lost loved ones ride, but it hurts and takes away a lot of joy. You words ring so loud and clearly with me. Even when I’m on a “down day”. I am so happy for you and all your family and especially for Ava, that you chose to live. And to live for more. That is the gift of grief that is so hard to grab hold of, but makes all the difference in the world. Ava will never be forgotten. You are blessed to have her memories etched so deeply on your heart. One day you will dance with her again. And all these years of wishing things different will be a distant memory. Love to you and all of your family especially this month of February. And for all your years to come.
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Beautiful Person, Beautiful soul…If only there were more people like u in this world. Sheye we don’t know each other but u have deeply touched me may u and your family always see the sun before the rain…
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What beautiful words, Sheye! And they are so true. Ava will be a part of your lives forever-… an active part. And the lives you guys have built and treasured since she left is a true celebration to her spirit. God bless you & yours!
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This is the first time I’ve come across your blog, thank you, thank you, thank you. I think I was guided here not just to look at your photography, but to read your thoughts for today. I have two daughters 5 and 2 and they’re MY super models. I so needed this wake up call, to not sweat the small stuff, I need to go to bed every night with NO regrets
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And the new February year after year, that even without your blog posts, there are women out there that have you in their hearts. I think of you often lovely lady, but it is the approach of February that brings you to the forefront of my mind.
From the outsider, we too have seen you grown, and as a friend, I celebrate that you have moved onwards, both individually and as a family, from that February day in 2007. A day that not only you, but many others will never forgetSending you love hun x x
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you write so beautiful ! i get goose bumps everytime i read your blog. thank you for sharing!
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Oh, Sheye, you are such an amazing, amazing woman. You have such courage and strength for your children and the world, and your sweet Ava will never be forgotten. You are in my thoughts and prayers now and always. xxxx
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Here’s to living life for yourself, and for Ava. You have beautiful and courageous perspective on what you’ve been though. My heart and thoughts are with you. xoxox Leigh
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Sheye, the decision you made is so much more far reaching than I’m sure you could ever have imagined. You and Ava touch so many of us and we are so thankful. You are so wise and so brave. Sherri XO
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i can’t imagine that freight train that comes running and takes your breath away. you honor all of us by your generous spirit of motherhood to your darling daughter. you are amazing as is your entire family. with so much love i am sending you the biggest of hugs. my life has been so enriched by knowing you on this crazy ride call the internet and i thank god your decision to live on stronger and wiser and more cherished helps me as it does all of us. thinking of you my friend sheye. xo
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When I went to bed last night, your post was still up on my computer. My 4 year old was standing with me when I wiggled the mouse this morning. “Mom (with complete awe), is that a princess?!” “Yes it is” I told him. “Yes it is.”
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Much love to you Sheye, Crayton, Kids & family.
You have a beautiful soul Sheye, you never cease to amaze me!
Rainbows & Sunshine always x♥x
Lisa
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Sheye,Crayton,Luca,Mason and darling Ivy, if strength if born from Heartbreak then mountains you could all move……………i feel so much love for you all today, may you angel give you strength always xxxx
Robyn xx
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Reading your blog for the past few years has touched me in so many ways. I hold my kids tighter and try to remember on the harder days that they are the biggest gift I have ever received. I know that families are forever. I love you because you inspire me and make me a better person. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Sheye!
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Thinking of you today Sheye…much love xoxo
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You and your precious family are always in my thoughts and prayers. I think of Ava often soaring high bringing so much joy to the world. She has changed my world beyond words. With much love from our family especially today.
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I am so happy for you Sheye. Life takes a lot of courage to live it fully and I see you write from a perspective you have so rightfully earned. Keep being positive and know there are many of us who will help you and your family keep Ava’s light always always shining. See, she lives on in our hearts and minds, in people who walk this earth and say her name and share her story. Love to you and your honey- he doesn’t get spoken of much in your writings but I’m sure he must be a very strong and loving man. You are lucky Sheye. I’m happy for that <3 Happy February.
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Proud of you (((hugs)))
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Thinking of you and your family on this day…
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All hail the Superprincess! Three years on earth, now three years in heaven, but forever written on her mother’s heart. May God bless you this February and continue to give you grace, strength and wisdom. So glad you “chose the latter.” We all adore you :)
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Thinking of you.
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I love seeing in frames, I love the beauty in the ordinary, I love my camera, I love that when I see images I hear too. I love the latelight, I love finding moments I didn’t imagine and I love creating moments I did. I love learning more every day, I love sharing what I’ve come to know, and I love making pictures pretty.
I’m so glad you stopped by. xx
Ava, your beautiful clever SuperPrincess, she will Never be forgotten or replaced. She will live Forever in our hearts.
This post is just so touching. Photos are as beautiful as always.
God bless your beautiful family, Sheye. xx