Old. New. Newer. {Reasons to love Februrary}.
If it were the me of three years ago writing this, I’d be complaining today. I’d be annoyed that our new flooring install didn’t begin on schedule. Or that the doors aren’t ready. I’d feel stressed that Mason missed swimming and I’d probably be pretty miffed that Crayton’s hire car got itself scratched and dented this morning.
Writing from the New Universe though, my only real reason to complain today would rightfully be about today marking the start of February. The month of missing and wishing and life-a-changing. It’s the month that plunged us from carefree happiness to the darkest of voids. Where nothing was ever the same.
It seems though, my new is changing too. As I approach a third February without Ava, the new includes so many lessons and so much beauty I just don’t feel I have a right to complain. Of course I miss. I wish. I yearn. Every single day. I forget a life that didn’t include those things. But I can also look back on thirty six months and see how far I’ve traveled. Or, at times, been carried. I prefer the new me, I like the life I’ve created out of ruin. I know less fear, I filter out the unimportant and I know what it is to truly, deeply love. So many beautiful things to be glad of.
I don’t write these words lightly. It has taken a lot to get to here. I had three choices after February two thousand and seven. I could cease to exist. (Shocking? Not really. Ask anyone deep in grief how viable that option might seem at times.) I could continue on breathing whilst moving nowhere. Barely enduring grief filled days that would undoubtedly project onto my other children. Or, I could do something even harder. I could make a promise that Ava would not leave un-noticed. That I would do better. As a mother, a wife, as my self. That our new family would survive and be strong and embrace what remained. That I would live life. For Ava.
I consciously chose the latter. There were many, many days where the grief smothered my hopes. There will be more to come. But three years on, I see our family as happy again. We’re mending. We cherish one another, and our memories of Ava. Our Superprincess shines as brightly as she ever did. I look forward to including her in so many beautiful ways going forward and know that we will never let her light go out. While I know there will always be moments where The Missing sneaks up and steals the air from my lungs, today the bigger picture fills my heart.
Happy February.
Love, Sheye xxx
139 shared sentiments
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You are truly wonderful!
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the words and photos you choose to share, shows what a great person and mother you are to ALL of your kids!
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You are such a beautiful soul!! Thinking of you, and wishing you all things lovely for February and every. single. day. of the year.
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Sheye, I so very much appreciate your words and the ability you have to inspire me to learn how to love more deeply. Sending my love and hugs for a peaceful February.
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Sheye, thank you so much for sharing your soul with all of us.
I too, dread February….
Tomorrow, my NieceDaughter (that’s how I refer to two of my nieces that I raised since I was 17 years old) Michele would have been celebrating her 26th birthday….Instead, our family still mourns.
My life has been flipped upside down, and I feel like an alien has overtaken my body. On March 28, 2008 – a 16 year old girl was home getting high, she snuck out of the house, stole her mother’s car, picked up two 17 year old guy friends, continued to get high, went to the store to purchase eggs and silly string to vandalize homes with – continued to get high while driving around – went through a stop sign, and killed my baby while she was crossing the street.
She was just under the front of the bumper of the Volkswagen Jetta. The wheels never even touched her. She was screaming and crying and they wouldn’t even get out of the car to check on her – even though the 911 operator pleaded with them to check on Michele.
The girl just kept repeating over and over to the operator – “No, I’m not doing that.” “I want to go home.” “I’m getting out of here.”
Anyway – because she refused to check on my Michele – she couldn’t expand her chest to breathe, and in around 7 minutes (according to the medical examiner and coroner)Michele died.
None of her injuries were life threatening. She died because someone was high and scared and wanted to get out of there….and that was more important at the time, than my little girl’s life.
I guess what I wanted to do was to just say thank you. My life is so different now, since the loss of my beautiful NieceDaughter. It is you, your blog, your precious children, that have helped me get along – God too, of course.
It feels safe to know that someone who doesn’t even know me – sounds like she understands me.
Sheye, you have touched people’s hearts and souls – Across the universe – in ways that you probably never imagined you could. Please know that I am grateful for you and I appreciate you.
From one Mom to another – on the other side of the world….Much love and thanks. xo
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By the way – it’s Wednesday, Feb. 3rd here in the USA. Michele’s birthday is tomorrow…Feb. 4.
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My heart goes out to you for tomorrow Sheye-I am going to buy a Gardenia in honur of Ava….thankyou so much for sharing your story with us all-you have given me the strength to blog of a difficult day, this coming February 13. I have dedicated a post to Ava, in memory of her, you would like to read it. Thinking of you all. xo
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There will be candles burning and pictures hangnig for Precious Ava!
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Thinking of you & your family often, but these today especially. Sending big hugs and admiring you from afar, love Heleen from Amsterdam, Europe (toddlertoes on Flickr)
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As always, Ava’s beauty is breathtaking! Thank you for sharing her and yourself – you truly are an inspiration, as so many others have said. Thinking of you and your family and praying that you continue to mend and have more and more beauty full days.
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Sheye, I looked on the calendar this morning and realized it’s been almost another year for you without your beautiful SuperPrincess. I’m so happy to see you healing, though I know the ache will always linger. Just wanted to let you know that you and your family are much in my thoughts and prayers. ((hugs))
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Loved by so many x Always and forever
http://vanessa-paris.com/?p=600
(My last link was for my old blog)
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xoxo, sheye. beautiful post… thinking of you this week.
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What an inspiration you are……
Your brave and raw, your words break my heart but truly are so so beautiful. Your Ava is remembered by so many, making us all better people, mothers, artists. I feel lucky to have come across your site over a year ago…keep sharing. Much love to you Sheye, you lil Ava is in the hearts of many xoxo
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love, tears and prayers your way Sheye. we are all thinking of you…
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dear sheye and family…you are in my thoughts and prayers. You have touched the hearts and souls of so many people and have made me a better person through sharing your experiences – both sorrow and joy. I am sure the Superprincess is having an amazingly super princessy party – full of pink, frills and all things pretty.
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Oh Sheye, you are such an incredible woman, a true inspiration.
You have touched the hearts and souls of so many, and I want to thank you for that.
When Ava left us I started to look at life very differently. I treasure my children more than I could have ever imagined and believe that I am a much better mother now than I was 3 years ago.
Sylvia xxx
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Amazing! Tears, joys, love and memories. You will be together forever one day again.
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Ava will never be forgotten. You have done so much to ensure that Ava is noticed and our family certainly has a little piece of your Super princess in our little girls room. We have five prints from Mandy at Belle and Boo (four from the Super Princess Series and the tea party print). Not a day goes by when I do not look at these beautiful prints and am reminded to live in the moment and cherish the day that is – the good, the bad and the ugly.
Thinking of you and praying for you and your family on this day – the day Ava flew to Heaven three years ago. Ava has touched so many hearts all around the world, she could never ever be forgotten.
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Ava is proud of you on this February..I am certain. I have no children yet, but I know you will have an impact on the way I parent, cherish the little things let the less important pass on by. For that I am thankful for you Sheye thankful for Ava. Someone made a comment above that Ivy never knew Ava but I beg to differ, she may have been so small but she will always know her sister! This blog will be such a gift for her when she is older too. Thank you so much for sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings, you have moved and inspired us all. You should write a book Sheye :)
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Sending much love. hugs. kisses. wishes. hope. happiness. and beauty-full thoughts to you, Crayton, Luca, Mason, Ivy, and miss Ava today especially Sheye.
Thank you again for your beauty-filled words.
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for Ava.
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I have been thinking of Ava all day today. She crosses my mind at least once a day but today she won’t seem to leave.
Sending love, hope, and happiness to you, Crayton, Luca, Mason, and Ivy.
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Your words are very touching. I haven’t been visiting your blog as much as I used to, but everytime I do visit, your words remind me to cherish every moment of life and to appreciate all people and things around me. Thank you so much for sharing and being strong.
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your raw truth refreshes my heart as to what life is REALLY about and at the same time pierces it for you and your family. thank you for sharing Ava’s light with us and for reminding us of where beauty lies. my tears for you are split in half with sadness and joy that you are “mending” and enjoying every moment.
I am a frequent visitor, but haven’t left many comments. today, of all days i want you to know that You and Ava are loved.
xoxo
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My eyes are tearing and I am inspired by your strength. You must know how much sharing your heart and your SuperPrincess means to the world. Ava’s story will help other children and in that way she is not only a princess but a guardian angel for other little ones. Your choice to LIVE for Ava is beyond strength…I can’t even describe how touched I am.
May God Bless you and your family. Thank you so much for having the courage to open your heart and share yourself.
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oh Sheye
my heart swells with emotion as I read your heartfelt words~
YOu share your heart so wide open~
touches so many, so profoundly.
As a mama, as a nurse………I thank you for enlightening all of us to cherish
e v e r y
s i n g l e
m o m e n t
xo
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I am so sorry for your loss. Your words bring such truth. I feel humbled as a mother. Thank you for sharing your Ava, your self, your journey with us. I cried through Kate’s slide show.
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you have the amazing ability of putting into words what is also in my heart…
I have had a tough few weeks and reading this today has bought a lot of tears to my eyes but given me some strength to get back on track again…
thanks you so much…I needed to read something like this…
maybe your ava and my mark are playing together somewhere…he was a real rough and tumble boy but also loved to pick flowers for me and his sister and he thought all little girls where princesses…he would have loved to pick a flower for your princess :)
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I got on hoping I’d hear your heart come through and I was not disappointed. In all the “doing” and “running” etc. to take my project off to a new level “without fear” I am reminded to cherish, love, care for and hold the treasures I posses now, not hope to but do! Thank you.
Jim
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Thankyou for sharing your sole and heart with us. May the next three years be filled with many more memories of a little girl taken fom ou and a family who love each other. I cn only imagine what ou have gone through and continue to go through. May your travels and life be filled with those around you who love and care for all of you.
We have only just moved to Brisbane and I have just found your blog. Thankyou for sharing.
Kylie
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with tears streaming down my face you make me smile. I have such admiration for you. Your strength and love flows through your words. I will hug my boys one more time today. For Ava. And every day I will try to remember to filter out the unimportant. xxx
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I just came across your site through the mention on The Savvy Photographer today, and I am so happy I did. This post really touched my heart. Thank you for sharing. Your words are inspiring and beautiful. May you continue to heal and grow as the months and years go on. And may you continue to share your lovely thoughts and images for all of us.
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I read your story when I found the link on Kimberly Drury’s site.
I am sobbing. Not only for you, your family…your loss that I cannot pretend to understand or imagine. I cry for my 3 and a half year old. She is sleeping.
I yelled at her so many times today for getting into this or destroying that. I am so sorry. So very regretful.
Thank you for sharing your emotions and feelings. You have helped me to WANT to be a better mom. I’ve known for awhile that I need to learn to control my temper, but hadn’t really wanted that, for real, until now. Until you showed me and reminded me how quickly it can all be taken away.
God bless you in every moment of every day.
Sincerely.
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she take my breath away everytime…beautiful in every way the inside like the outside.thank you for sharing those precious moments with us to let us know Ava how amazing she was.God Bless you and your beautiful family.
~XxxxxX~ Much Love.
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Sheye, I am so glad I read this tonight before I go to sleep. I love what you have written as well as what you wrote underneath Ava’s photo. February March are hard months for myself and I am greatful for your inspiring, spiritual uplifting words tonight.
Much love and gratitude;
Denine McMahon
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I find peace in my life when I read your blog. You and your family are so far from me in distance but not far in my heart. Thank you for sharing your life, :) AJ
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So incredibly beautiful…beautiful.
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I love seeing in frames, I love the beauty in the ordinary, I love my camera, I love that when I see images I hear too. I love the latelight, I love finding moments I didn’t imagine and I love creating moments I did. I love learning more every day, I love sharing what I’ve come to know, and I love making pictures pretty.
I’m so glad you stopped by. xx
Thank you.
and God Bless