In the still and the dark of night.   I thought she was sleeping.  Her little voice startled me.

Mummy?
Yes honey?
Why did Ava leave her bike here?
Because she couldn’t take it with her.
Why did my sister not take all of her things?
Because she doesn’t need them in Heaven.  She has everything she needs.
Does she have a kitchen?
I think she probably does.
Does she have a bed?
I’m sure she does.
And does she have a tutu?
Oh yes, she has a tutu.
Does she have two or five?
I think she has as many as she wants.

Mum, how does Ava get back here?
Honey, Ava can’t get back here.
Why? I am waiting for her to come back.
Because, because when babies are made, they wait in Heaven and ..
Mum, do you have tears?
Yes darling I do.
Why?
Because we miss Ava very much.
I miss her too.
I know darling.  When babies are made they wait in Heaven and then they are given to their Mummies like you and Luca and Mason were given to me too but Ava had to go back to Heaven when she was three and we miss her very much.  But we will all get to see her again in Heaven one day.
When you and Daddy and me and Luca and Mason see Ava again I’m going to tell her I’m four.  Will she be little or big?
She will be little, I think.
Can I pick her up?  Because I am four?
Yes, you probably could.  But you will be much older than four when you see her.  We will live a long time together here first and then we will get to see her.
But what will happen to our house?
We won’t need it in Heaven.
Is she like a small baby or a little bit bigger?
A little bit bigger, like when you were three just before.
Oh.  Will we be very old?
We probably will be old.
Will we have moles?  Because I don’t want moles.
No, we won’t.
Will Ava have moles?
No darling, she won’t.

Her questions make my heart race.  Never ready.  I’m still trying to work out the answers myself.  I still stare at her bike at our back door and I still don’t understand.

This
is
all
so
much
bigger
than
me.

For the next eight days, until 24 December 2009, the Eye Candy set of 50 Photoshop Actions is available for $80.  (Normally $95).  Even if you don’t need to buy them, please go and have a look at the pretty page Brian made me!  I love it, thank you Sir Expert.  (He’s extremely modest is Mr Skooks).   And thank you to all of the very talented photographers who kindly let me include images.

Sheye xx

Know you what it is to be a child?…
It is to believe in love, to believe in loveliness, to believe in belief;
it is to be so little that the elves can reach to whisper in your ear,
it is to turn pumpkins into coaches,
and mice into horses,
lowness into loftiness,
and nothing into everything,
for each child has its fairy godmother in its soul.

– Francis Thompson

This child.  I adore her, with all I have.  Every single day, I breathe her in, I wrap her up in my hope, I find her burrowed a little deeper into my heart.  In the middle of the night, when her tiny hand nestles in mine, I hold her tight and thank the Universe that she is mine.

Dear, darling Ivy.
Happy Fourth Birthday.
Endless Love,  Mummy.

Tonight, I put Ivy to bed, and she was three.   Come tomorrow, she will wake four.

I don’t quite know how to feel.    We’re entering the unfamiliar.   I’ve known all about one year old girls.   And I know about girls aged two.   (They’re just delightful..most of the time).   And little girls aged three?  They’ve mattered most.     For the past year, I’ve had two of them.  All those days of Ivy sharing Ava’s age.  A strange thing, her older sister being older, until she no longer was.  Is she younger now?  I don’t even know.

As I tucked Ivy in, excitedly talking of birthday cakes and wishes, I felt afraid.  I’m not ready to give up three.  It seems we’re leaving a little more behind.   I want to be able to hold this moment and know that our days will always center around princesses and sparkly shoes and Dora.  What happens at four?  A part of me is excited to find out, and so very grateful that I even can but a part of me can’t help but wish and yearn and fear the unknown.

Tomorrow will be all about our birthday girl, we’ll laugh and love and be thankful.   I’ll wish for different but I’ve become used to mixed blessings and the birthday celebrations tinged with missing.

Today though, I just miss simple, happy anticipation.

Sheye x