One Thousand Days {Give. Take}
All that beauty.
All those hopes.
All that laughter.
All those dreams.
All those wishes.
All her kisses.
Gone.
We still don’t understand.
Next Friday marks one thousand days since we lost Ava. Lost. It is much easier to imagine than died. Even though, clearly, that is what happened to her. She died. But we lost her. Missing. Misplaced. It seems, not for want of trying or wishing or pleading, she cannot be found.
Very slowly, as in one thousand days slowly, I am beginning to believe in the disbelief. I’ve given up trying to understand. I don’t look for signs. There is no sense. We lost her and we found sadness and disbelief. We found a different life, with different people greeting one another each morning. Raising a different family with changed priorities and less expectation. And a new appreciation for the simplest of things.
If you’d told me I would survive one thousand days without her, I could not have believed you. It is true, from those early, terrifying days, we have moved. One step, one breath at a time. We have found some kind of peace. Most of the time. And then there are those other days where grief smothers all over again and nothing feels very much better at all. Where we still cry in cafes and try to make sense all over again.
My darling girl, we will never forget. One thousand, one hundred thousand, I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart).
S x
123 shared sentiments
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1000 hugs to you …
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Sheye, this post was beautiful. You are beautiful. Ava is stunning and through her memory she remains alive and touches all of our hearts. Your photog skills are extraordinary and your writing comes from the soul-both are exquisite. Thank you for sharing.
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I dont have the words….just know so many are keeping you in their thoughts always and hoping you find some comfort in that.
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love and hugsxxxxxxxx
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hugs. xx
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Oh Sheye, thinking of you and your beautiful Ava and sending big hugs to you.. xx K
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This makes my heart hurt & my eyes sting.
Loves to you darling
~x~
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sheye,i will be thinking of you and your beautiful family on this day.i think of you often.and hold my babies tight. xoxo
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Oh Sheye! Huge hug for you all!..
It is a sorrow shared by so many…We are all so crippled in our own ways!
Thank God, we can gather together in our moments of difficulties and share,
and cry with each other!. You precious Ava lives on in all you share with us..
We remember and she lives and counts and IS!…blessings dear one as you and your husband conqure the next thousand!
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This is probably the 100th time I’ve visited your beautiful blog but the first time I’ve commented. I have never really known what to say. How can I express my condolences when I know that no words, nothing can ever erase the pain of Ava being gone. For this comment I’m going to let my heart type.
You have not really lost Ava, when you lose someone you don’t know where they are but I believe you do know where Ava is. She’s always with you. Always. She’s watching you from Heaven, smiling and playing and probably asking that we don’t cry for her.
Your post reminded me of the poem “A Thousand Winds”A Thousand Winds
Do not stand by my grave and weep,
for I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond’s glint on snow.I am sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle Autumn’s rain.
When you awaken
in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush.Of quiet birds in circle flight,
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die.Ava will always be with you, even though you can’t see her. She’s there.
Nothing’s going to change destiny.I wish you and your family all the best.
Ava’s Legacy will Live on Forever
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Ava is one of the cutest girls I’ve seen and I see her in Ivy. May you feel comforted in your 1000 day loss. Maybe she’s running around with my Evan. I often think of the hereafter and imagine what these kids are up to while they wait for us. Their hands are probably in our lives more so than we know. I love reading your blog and seeing your passion for photos.
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breath-takingly, heart-breakingly, gut-wrenchingly beautiful.. both she and your writings.
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XOXO Much love
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always thinking of you and yours.
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love love love. to her. to you.
love.
jbxo
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Even though I have not suffered a loss as great as yours my heart breaks in a milliam pieces for you and your family. I do honestly believe that Ava lives on and is by your side at all times. I pray that your days do get better even though you will always carry a broken heart.
Love and God’s blessings to you all.
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it just gets harder to beleive that this can happen but you know it did and you are living it everyday. it’s just not right.
Shayne xx
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sheye,
i have cried a thousand tears reading your blog and thinking of your pain. with every tear, and then some, i have prayed that you find healing and peace. you are in my thoughts sweet mama…
emily
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I can only imagine what you’ve gone through and it breaks my heart. Ava is a reminder to me that every day is a gift and her memory makes me stop and appreciate little things all the time that I know I’d otherwise take for granted. xoxox Leigh
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keep crying in cafes, keep growing and loving and living…until you see her again.
blessings to you.
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“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” (Ps. 30:5.) I know you’ve had countless ‘nights’, Sheye, but how exquisite your joy will be when you hold beloved Ava in your arms again. Until then I wish you peace, comfort and love. You are so loved!
1000 hugs,
christy
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LOVE knows no end…………….xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Dear You. Please, do not give up looking for signs! They are there(even if you do not look for them). Lovely words, and touching as usual… Sending Love, as I often do.
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Thinking of your beautiful Ava. Sending you love, on these harder days, and always.
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Thinking of you and your family……xoxo
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I can feel your pain in a way I wish that I could not. I am lifting your family in prayer.
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aching for you and your family.
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Beautiful. I will read your blog for as long as you continue to write it. I will remember Ava for as long as I live and I promise that if one day God gives me a little girl I will tell her Ava’s story, the story of the Super Princess.
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I am always amazed by your strength Sheye, and I am so thankful that God is helping you, and your family to find a sense of peace amongst all of the missing, and longing for Ava. I wish that all of your sadness could be taken away. Thank you for sharing your story with such raw honesty. May God continue to watch over all of you. xoxo
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Oh Miss Sheye. I don’t know if you will listen to me. But oh. Reading this post, the only thought that truly strikes me is…how deeply you need God. Your life…oh my word, it will be filled with so much joy and love and peacefulness…more than you can imagine right now. And you will know. where. Ava. IS. I promise, if you accept Him, you will never ever ever regret it a tinge. I promise.
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Sheye – Found your blog through Krysta Manthe’s blog. I also fell in love with your photography. Decided to visit your blog again and read a little further… I spent hours reading about Ava, what a beautiful soul!!! You are such a wonderful Mother, you can see that in your children’s eyes! I am a complete stranger, but feel as if I know you from your beautifully written word. Please know loving and healing thoughts are being sent your way from Minnesota.
Someone else said it best… 1000 hugs your way
Trish
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I believe with all of my heart that the Princess Party is so great where Ava is that they could not do without her bright light and her charm and they need to borrow your girl long before you were ready. I believe with all my heart that the only peace that there could be in this seemingly unimaginable and unbearable loss is that Sweet Ava is dancing and playing and watching over you—her only sadness that she can’t take away your pain. She does not miss your embrace because she crawls in your loving embrace and snuggles you while you sleep. She runs with her siblings on the beach and laughs with your all at dinner—you just can’t hear her. I believe this with all my heart. She does not miss you, because she is there with you all the time.
The greatest tragedy is that you can’t hold her and watch her sweet sleeping face and you miss her every moment of every day. This is not fair. This is not tolerable. This is not right. For that I am so, so sorry. What a great treasure your beautiful photos are of such a stunning angel. I am so sorry for that massive ache you feel and I pray that you will find peace in knowing she is with you and she is dancing. You just can’t see her.
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Oh I shed a few tears with that one. Some for you, your family, your Ava, and some for my own lost ones xx
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If only 1000 days was the end and Ava could come home. If only it meant you’d suferred enough, if only it meant your heart was filled with pure light and love. If only someone could grant us the wishes of our souls.
I wish that I could give you a wish. Instead I’ll give you my loves and say that our girls found each other becuase that’s how we found each other. They are twirling and laughing and they know we will walk this road together.
Dxxxx
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Just reading these words makes my chest heavy, my heart ache and my eyes leak. To actually live through it, or even consider living through it, I just can’t fathom.
Ava will never be forgotten. And one day ~ I have to believe ~ she will be found again by her Mummy….
x
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You will find her again, Sheye.. so many tears for you today. I cannot fathom.
Love & hugs,
Ali x
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Oh how I wish there were some way…. she was such a treasure. My heart goes out to your family.
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I’m so very sorry, it makes no sense at all.
She is so very beautiful, hugs to you.
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Nothing, nothing makes it better but oh how I wish something would. My heart aches for you and your family and your beautiful baby girl.
xx
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You write so beautifully and truthfully. Its hard not to feel what you’re feeling. My thoughts are with you and your family always. And keep looking for the signs…its going to be little things. Extra sun on your face, when you need it. A butterfly making an extra slow travel past you…
*hugs*
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thinking of you and of your family.
xoxo – darcie
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Your blog is beautiful. Your children are even more beautiful. This is the first time I have come across your blog and I have been captivated. My dear friend lost her daughter a couple days ago. The funeral was today. I can’t even imagine the sorrow. I am so sorry about Ava. I hope you believe in life after death. I hope you believe in a loving Heavenly Father who is with Ava and I hope you believe in our Savior who can make it possible for you to be with Ava again in the after life. I sure do. I believe families can be together forever and I know my friend will see her Sadie again. She told me that knowledge is the only thing that has kept her from crumbling the past few days. I don’t want to be too forward where I don’t even know you, but my religion teaches about eternal families, and I would like to invite you to look at the website. It’s http://www.lds.org. I don’t usually do this, but it might be what you’re searching for. I hope I didn’t overstep my bounds, but I was just so moved by your obvious love for your children and your heartache over Ava. You are an example to me. Thank you for sharing your delightful photos and your feelings.
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OMG She look so Alive in this Picture, her Body Died but her Soul is here she is never going to be gone your love will keep her with us. Thanks for sharing.
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So eloquent.
I am so sorry for you loss, and so thankful for your talent to put your thoughts into writing…
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Dear Sheye, how to reconcile the overwhelming grief you feel is beyond human ability. Your incredible little girl now lives in a corner of my heart that gently and daily reminds me to cherish, treasure and pour love onto my own family. What a huge calling for a small child, yet Ava is a prophet, a teacher, a giver of joy to countless families that otherwise aimlessly turn away from each other.
Thank you for sharing Ava with us.
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You don’t know me. I am a faithful follower of your blog. Why do I follow the writings of a mother whom I will never know or meet? I cannot answer that. I have no idea. To “listen” to your grief and heartbreak causes me to shed a tear with every word. How you have made it one day, let alone 1000 days without your dear sweet precious Ava is beyond my comprehension. How does a mother move forward when her dear angel is missing? I don’t understand. My heart, soul, and being all grieve for you and with you. Believe you me, you have touched more than you will ever know.
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you are so strong and full of beauty. you give lots of people hope and courage.
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Sheye,
I do not know you, but you and your family are in my prayers! He’s the reason you have made it this far!
Michele
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Jen Downer said it right: breath-taking and heart-breaking.
I’m so sorry for your lost. Every now and then I come to read your page and everytime it stops me. It reminds me, that life is too short to be wasted.
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I love seeing in frames, I love the beauty in the ordinary, I love my camera, I love that when I see images I hear too. I love the latelight, I love finding moments I didn’t imagine and I love creating moments I did. I love learning more every day, I love sharing what I’ve come to know, and I love making pictures pretty.
I’m so glad you stopped by. xx
Your gift for words helps me believe that love is stronger than death, Sheye. I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) – is beyond beautiful xx