One Thousand Days {Give. Take}
All that beauty.
All those hopes.
All that laughter.
All those dreams.
All those wishes.
All her kisses.
Gone.
We still don’t understand.
Next Friday marks one thousand days since we lost Ava. Lost. It is much easier to imagine than died. Even though, clearly, that is what happened to her. She died. But we lost her. Missing. Misplaced. It seems, not for want of trying or wishing or pleading, she cannot be found.
Very slowly, as in one thousand days slowly, I am beginning to believe in the disbelief. I’ve given up trying to understand. I don’t look for signs. There is no sense. We lost her and we found sadness and disbelief. We found a different life, with different people greeting one another each morning. Raising a different family with changed priorities and less expectation. And a new appreciation for the simplest of things.
If you’d told me I would survive one thousand days without her, I could not have believed you. It is true, from those early, terrifying days, we have moved. One step, one breath at a time. We have found some kind of peace. Most of the time. And then there are those other days where grief smothers all over again and nothing feels very much better at all. Where we still cry in cafes and try to make sense all over again.
My darling girl, we will never forget. One thousand, one hundred thousand, I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart).
S x
123 shared sentiments
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Sheye I know what it is like too loose someone so close to your heart and soul. Thye broken heart will never mend, but you must remember you have a beautiful family and Ava is now an Angel wathcinh over you. God took Ava where she will forever be happy. The sun came out after the heaven’s recieved Ava’s spirit she is truly special and always will be in your heart. If you ever feel sad just talk to her and I am sure somewhere she is listening.
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Oh Sheye, there are no words. I look at Clara and cannot imagine how you’ve survived 1000 days.
She cut her own bangs the other day and reminded me, in my despair and crossness, of Ava’s curls and how you’d give anything to be dealing with Ava simply cutting her own hair and instantly I was cross no more and we were evening it up and trying on new hairstyles with our 50′s style bangs. Ava’s light shines on, she teaches and influences us because you let her, you give her voice through your love and generous sharing. Know this, so many of us, moved by your eloquent and bared grief and celebration of her, also carry the beauty of Ava in our hearts.
((hugs))
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sheye,
hug your kids so tight right now, you will feel her soul through them. all of my love and my heart to you everyday. i’m so so sorry you have experienced this pain.
LeeAnn xo
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Oh, Sheye. My heart just breaks for you; my cheeks are stained with tears for your family as they have been so many times in the past. And I’m sending up the biggest prayers I can pray – I wish some of us could help carry your burden…it seems much too heavy for any mama to have to bear. I’m so sorry for your pain. {{HUGS}}
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It seems like yesterday that I saw Ava in the green retro.
Still feels surreal, incredible, impossible….heartbreaking.Amazed at how gracious & dignified you are. I shouldn’t be, but I am.
1000 days, 1000 hugs, 1000 kisses & 1000 dreams….
Sunshine & Rainbows always, that is my wish for you Sheye.
x♥x
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I can’t comprehend how you must feel or how you have managed to live life to the fullest, but Ava would be so very proud, of this I’m sure :)
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I have no words.
I can’t relate.
But my heart is broken for you again and again.I pray that God wraps you with a peace that passes all understanding.
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she is so beautiful! I feel your pain when I read your words! I pray for peace for you and your family!
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I thought this a beautiful message and wanted to share. http://www.youtube.com/mormonmessages#p/a/1/coef8G5ax6E
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Ava’s beauty got attention, but her personality captured the heart.
Ava changed the world, she touched sooo many hearts it’s unbelievable. Ava is *Magical*. If heaven truly exists I wounder if Ava met other Angel children in heaven.
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Wow. 1000. But you’ve made it. Ava lived her life to the fullest, she didn’t wait for the storm to pass, she learned to dance in the puddles. She is still loved, and I wore pink today. Hugs, Christina <3
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Ava is so beautiful and ivy looks just like her :) you have a beautiful family and im sorry about Ava but when ever im down my mama always tells me lifes not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the rain and it looks like your doing just that. its been 1000 days and you made it but you have all the memories of your wonderful and beautiful daughter to look back on. Ava’s story really touched me and it will always always have a special place in my heart. *hugs* emily <3
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Dear Sheye,
Since Belle & Boo announced Ava’s Tea Party print I’ve thought of you, Ava and your family often. Our littlest delight is turning one this week and we are having a tea party for her. After your story we decided one can never be too young for a tea party. My husband surprised us all with purchasing that special print – we adore it. Sorry for your loss. May hope and the laughter of your children bring you joy and happy memories of Ava. Cindy xx
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I know that the 100 messages above this one will probably say something close to the same thing – but I will never forget Ava, and the beauty you have shared with us, of her, and of yourself.
We are all forever changed by her spirit, and by your love for her.
J.
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Shere as a mother of three, and just visiting your site today, my heart goes out to you. I have three girls myself and cannot imagine what losing one would do to me. Glad to see that you are still moving forward but boy a pain like that lasts forever.
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You are stronger than any person I “know” and I know that without knowing you…at all. I weep at the thought of what you’ve gone through, my heart breaks imagining and praying it won’t happen to me or someone I know. Thank you for sharing, it makes me step back and realize that sweating the small stuff is a waste and to appreciate my blessings just as they are.
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Oh my :( I was just linked to your blog and I can not even begin to express how my heart aches for you. Close to 2500 days ago at the age of 13 I lost my older sister in a much different event however much the same in the combination of improbabilities coming together to form one horrible reality. I am so so sorry for your loss.
Brittany
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I am so tremendously sorry for your loss. Tears streaming down my face. Just talked to my little boy about making sure he never goes into the car without us. Thank you for trying t help others. God Bless you all.
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just sending you all so much love
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I just read your post. thats horrible. I hope you´ll find her!
You always have her in your heart.Best Wishes to you and your family.
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I am so sorry for your heartache and loss. I believe that those who have died are not lost to us. They are waiting. I have been taught that if we live well and follow the plan of our Savior we will all be together again. I truly believe this. I truly believe you will hold your daughter in your arms again. To love, cherish, raise and watch as she fulfills her destiny.
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this post made me cry. i also have a young little girl and i couldn’t image what you had to go through. it just breaks my heart! you are super mom!
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I love seeing in frames, I love the beauty in the ordinary, I love my camera, I love that when I see images I hear too. I love the latelight, I love finding moments I didn’t imagine and I love creating moments I did. I love learning more every day, I love sharing what I’ve come to know, and I love making pictures pretty.
I’m so glad you stopped by. xx
oh sheye. your poor heart. words will never express how truly sorry i am for your loss. you honor your baby girl so beautifully. heaven… heaven must truly be a beautiful place with sweet ava. one thousand days. it’s unimaginable. i send you a hug. xo m.