Finding Self.
Another something I’ve discovered… I am less afraid, and more.
The more?
Being apart from my children. Not always, but mostly. The ever present fear that this could be the day that becomes another new kind of normal. The inability to assume everything is okay. I need to know that everything is indeed okay. Like many things, I’ve learned to live with it. I don’t like it very much but it’s proven difficult to shrug off.
The understanding that Ava has really gone. Forever. Those seconds where I drift out of sleep and into the awful knowing that I will not see or hold her in this lifetime. I could never even begin to try and explain the total despair that fills those moments.
The realization sometimes that yes, it seems time did make it better but they forgot to tell me the new better is so much less than. There is an impossible leap between the measure of better before and the better we’re existing in now. It’s a strange, unsettling thing to know that this..this enormous flaw in the tale of my life, can not be put right. There are days where that reality sits in front of every waking thought. And it scares me so.
And the less?
I could write endlessly about the things that once worried me and now do not. When you’ve seen one of your worst fears realized, the shift in perspective is incredible. To be forced into that primal state called grief, you emerge altered and strengthened and to some degree, fearless. It’s what lets me share as I do here. The layers are peeled back and the meaningless is stripped away. How glad I am for it..The beauty that has found me in my rawer state is astounding.
There are so many things I might never have done if not for fearlessness. I don’t believe I would be teaching photography, for one. I love that I didn’t let fear hold me back from seeing if it was possible. I love the feeling of genuinely wanting to share what I’ve learned with others..the happiness to hold nothing back.
I love my discovery that, as a Mummy, a photographer, a wife, a friend..my near enough is good enough..It’s all I have. I give my best and I still fall short sometimes and it is okay.
I have no choice but to carry the fear but I do choose to celebrate the fearlessness. Both make up my every day and they remind me to be glad for what remains.
S xx
46 shared sentiments
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this is beautiful Sheye. thank you so much x
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You are such a beautiful writer. You put into words what some only are able to think in their minds. Amazing!
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You are such an inspiering ( did I get the spelling right? ) person, I love to read your blog, and you have amazing pictures.
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and the beauty that has found me because of your rawer state is astounding to me too. sheye, i’ve said it before and i’ll continue to say it. you make this world a better place by making all of us see the beauty and the rawness.
thank you. thank.you.
p.s. love the shots. were they taken with a tilt shift. i want to get me one of those! hugs.
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You are an amazing woman!
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gorgeous photos.
and I have to say, that with all the lives that you and ava have
touched since you lost her, she will go on in this lifetime and
you will see her in all the people she has touched while here on Earth.
You really are an amazing soul and I find strength through you.
tara
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Vicki could not have said it better. I find such terrible beauty here, in your words. It takes my breath away and brings me to my knees. You are a gift and I thank you for sharing yourself so completely and openly.
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Beautiful words coming from a strong and beautiful soul. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
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Sheye.
You could have focused on the bitterness. The loss, and the “here no more”. And sure you do.
But- your focus is based on so much more. Your strength, I believe, comes out of your positivity.Thank you for sharing.
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just wanted to say that I bet your “near enough” is MORE than good enough!
thank you for your blog posts…they teach so much to so many…including me.
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Thank you… that was beautiful…
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i.admire.your.fearlessness
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Beautifully written. I love how you show strength and vulnerability at the same time.
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When I read your posts about Ava, I wonder how you continue. Intellectually, I know you must. Emotionally, it seems impossible. And yet, you carry on, creating a wonderful life for your children, and husband, building a flourishing career as a photographer, and even find moments to be happy. It is sheer courage, I think, and determination. I so hope that the happy moments continue to increase, and someday, you will be with Ava again.
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Thank you for the wake up call. My little girl has been struggling with speech and I’ve been rather blue lately. I am back to feeling very thankful (I usually DO feel that way ever since we almost lost her) that she is here with me. I so wish that your Ava was in your arms as well.
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Your “new normal” is much like my own life. When you put yours into words, it resonates with me. Thank you for sharing. I feel less alone today.
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Thanks for bringing me back to the ‘now’ (again). Time and time again your words bring me back to what is real, and what is important, and I am able to let go of so much and just ‘be’, now. Thank you.
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Thank you for your honesty – it’s something we usually don’t see from others in our daily life. You are a very special person. You have changed my perspective on motherhood and life in general. Thanks
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Clarity and inspiration. That’s what you give me. Thank you Sheye, for living your life out loud. Thinking of you and yours.
~Kati
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What a beautiful and inspirational post.
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Beautiful. Well said.
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i found you for a reason, thank god xx
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as always, your words amaze me. near enough is good enough…i just cant stop saying it. i think that often times as woman we just push too hard and need to accept that we can do it all…just in smaller bits. sigh. thank you!
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Just beautiful. I agree with Robyn. I was actually talking to my hubby the other day how I came to stumble across your blog and how grateful I am that I did.
You are such a beautiful person Sheye. Inside and out!
((Hugs))
Rissa xx
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Near enough is perfect.
Thank you for passing the fearlessness forward – I’m thinking it’s contagious, so many things that scared me before, now mean nothing after making your acquaintance,
Vanessa xx
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Oh Sheye, how I truly wish that you could give me some of that fearlessness, & I could give you back some of the ‘better’ of before. I just want you to know that these tiny glimpses into your World that you share have completely changed my perspective of life & inspired me to see the beauty in everything..
Ali x
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Beautifully written Sheye.
Love
Jane
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You sharing your Beauty Full Ava and your family’s story has had great impact on me and my family.
I am a better mother because of this, so grateful for every day with my daughters.
Learning to express gratitude has also had a tremendous impact on other parts of my life.
Thank you!
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beautifully written. your words are amazing. thank you.
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Sheye, I’m at a loss for words, and really don’t know how to say what I’m feeling, the impact your words have. Magnanimous is a good word for you. Sherri XO
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sheye… finding your blog has changed my life in so many ways. i’m a more appreciative mom and a better photographer because of you. thank you for sharing yourself. xoxo, t
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Love this: “my near enough is good enough..It’s all I have. I give my best and I still fall short sometimes and it is okay.”
Woman need to remember this! Thank you for sharing! :)
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I remember you writing me and telling me that it won’t always feel like “the end” all the time. And it was hard to believe you, but you were right. I am so fortunate to read your thoughts and feelings regarding Ava, as they often feel like the very oxygen I’m gasping for. Much, much love to you. I want to say that I’m so proud of you, because I am, but we both know that the strength found in this experience is not strength we were looking to gather in the first place. Nonetheless, you understand my admiration. :)
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beautiful words…sending up prayers for you!
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thank you for your honesty – we are all better for it.
jbxo
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Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Your approach to life inspires me. xo
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Sheye, I want to tell you something and I know I’ll stumble trying to get it out,forgive me.I found you and your blog by a happy accident. I’ve read and reread your blog, both before and after you lost your beautiful Super Princess. I’ve been humbled and moved by your life and your perspective. Always, I’ve wanted to reach through this screen and comfort you when I can all but hear your heart breaking, and I laugh with you when you somehow continue to appreciate “beauty full” things life brings you. So many people move through out their days and lives and don’t know how lucky they are. I’m filled with gratitude toward you, for sharing your story, your family, your life. It has opened my eyes and I can’t thank you enough. You inspire me with your strenth, everyday.
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You have once again put my feelings, what I’m living with, my life into words.
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There’s nothing I can add that so many have express beauty fully…you truly are a beauty full being…thank you Sheye.
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Oh My Sheye, once again, you have hit it on the head. I loved, LOVED this post. Thank you for defining my feelings, thank you for sharing, thank you for your insights, thank you for your strength, you as a person. You are so beyond beautiful in every way. You are gifted, really. You are gifted as a friend, writer, photographer, mother, wife, person. You are pure, loveliness. I think you are actually a Super Princess, she is the Mini-Super Princess, she takes right after her mum.
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Yes…it defines the new you doesn’t it! Sorry friend..moment by moment…space and time…Oh, but I love my memories…don’t you!
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Sheye:
You have experienced something that we mothers always fear…knowing that at any moment in time, our loved ones can be snatched away. We are so vulnerable, in this way. It is one of the reasons that I did not want to have children…I knew that this would make me forever vulnerable to a pain that cannot stop. I feel as if I live with the fear too, everyday, because I have children. Once again, I wish that I could help your grief go away. There are so many children who are lost to parents every day. It is amazing that we still go on, in some ways. Thank you for your inspiring words, and your rawness.
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What a beautifully written post. Reflects so many of the things I’m grappling with right now.
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My goodness, you have such a beautiful way with words. Your experiences are something most of us cannot understand, and yet we can feel your loss and your hope through your journaling. I pray you can find a more beautiful tomorrow Every Single Day. Sending so much love.
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It sounds so cliched when I say that you inspire me, but it is what I feel. I cannot begin to imagine. You write with such honesty and passion and it makes an reading your posts makes an enormous impact on my life.
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I love seeing in frames, I love the beauty in the ordinary, I love my camera, I love that when I see images I hear too. I love the latelight, I love finding moments I didn’t imagine and I love creating moments I did. I love learning more every day, I love sharing what I’ve come to know, and I love making pictures pretty.
I’m so glad you stopped by. xx
Thank you for your thoughts and words. You never cease to inspire and amaze me.