Heart Mending {Plans & Memories}
There was a day I was single, and one I was married.
Days I birthed children, and a day I bid one farewell.
Days I wept and regretted and pleaded and days I rejoiced.
A day the idea of a holiday, with one less child child, one less ticket, one less suitcase, would have sent me plummeting into missing and yearning and bitter hatred for the life I’ve been dealt. But time is truly a gift and there did come a day where we began to imagine just that. And then a day we did it. We packed our bags, got on a plane and took our smaller, once broken family on holiday.
The planning of our trip to the US was much the same as we do everything in our household..without too much planning. We like the spontaneous. Saying that, no doubt we each had a hazy vision beforehand of what we believed the trip would hold for us. The boys vision included Legoland as a main feature, Ivy was fixated on the tea cup ride at Disney, Crayton wanted to just live like a local. Me, of course I imagined the afternoon light and the shopping but more than any of that, I imagined heart mending. I wanted to believe that it would be okay to go away, to laugh, to explore and just be together, without the what if’s and the should be’s and the yearning for different. In the weeks before we left, I imagined it over and over..the hazy scene of the five of us playing at the beach with nothing more than simple happiness. How I hoped.
And you know, looking back, we got just that. The vacation of a lifetime spent doing not very much at all. My best memories of the last two months involve the simplest of things.. beach days, trips to the store, just driving around and discovering together..absorbing a time where I can say I was genuinely happy with my husband and three children.
It feels like such a huge gift we’ve been given, to not acknowledge it would seem wrong but while I want to share the joy of this time, it’s still not easy to write that. I’m torn between wanting to always declare my endless missing of Ava. I fear implying that the grief is no longer there.. the need remains to make sure her life and memory and place in our family still matter, every single day. It’s a strange mix of gratitude and serenity and fear and it makes me marvel at how life ebbs and flows. How things do change, no matter how certain you are they won’t.
Fifteen years ago, I could not have imagined finding and marrying my soulmate.
Ten years ago, I could not have imagined four children.
Five years ago, I could not have imagined my daughter was about to celebrate one of only three birthdays.
Two years ago, I could not have imagined ever laughing again. Or dreaming. Or going on holiday.
Yet I did. My certainty wasn’t very certain at all.
I’ve always said holidays are only good in plans and memories, the daily reality never quite lives up. I was wrong.. the reality of our simple, happy days spent together these past two months are literally a hazy, hopeful dream come true.
Here’s to heart mending. And my beautiful Ava.
S x
Sheye, that is a simply beautiful post. I’m so happy for you and your family and that some of your dreams come true. Here’s to more rejoicing.
I am so happy for you…and your family. The pics from your trip are beautiful. Thanks for sharing them!
-Desiree
Just the words I needed.
I know you know.
Loves always
Dxxxx
Never for one moment will I ever believe you have stopped grieving. The trick of all of this is to weave our daily grief in with the renewed daily joys and headaches. It all becomes one experience. What a blessed two months…for you to feel…actually FEEL joy. I mean, FEEL JOY. Through and through. To feel joy doesn’t mean you miss Ava any less. I know the guilt there. But just knowing you *can* have bright days is such a gift, indeed, as you have said. So much love to you, Sheye.
My heart skips a beat with such a beautiful post.
Beautiful, in every way. xx
Your words are SO clear, nothing to say but I´m happy for you, even don´t knowing you but through your blog.
I think I understand what you are saying. We just returned from 3 weeks in Europe, just the three of us, when it should have been the 4 of us. I experienced some of the same thoughts and feelings you describe. We had a wonderful time, and missed Katie, too. That will never change, but as you say, time does march on. We can’t stop it, but we can choose how we spend the moments. Your thoughts and your beautiful photographs help us remember that. Blessings.
beautifully written, sheye… you have described all of these emotions perfectly. thank you for sharing them with us.
thinking of you, and sending much love.
jules xo
You speak from your heart so beautifully.
wow, you sound like a brave, strong mommy. with an honest, touching post like that, i don’t know what to write, but thank you, for sharing. my heart goes out to you and your family.
your words break my heart. yet, at the same time they give me hope. hope for happiness, love and loyalty. even though i don’t know you in real life, you and your family have touched my heart and reminded me of how important and precious family and love will always be.
xoxo
i’m so happy you went on a holiday with your family. i’m so happy the sun shined down on you in california. i’m thrilled to hear that you went to the beach, shopped, relaxed, played, saw that oh so cool house and lived like a local! your heart deserves it. sheye you are such a special special person – just like your beautiful ava. xo m.
Lots of happy for my cup
xxx
Usually when you write things about Ava and how you miss her, I cry. But this time I cried kind of in joy. Because you and your family smiled and laughed and had a great time. Ava wants that for you so much. You are a lovely, amazing angel on Earth- just like how Ava is a lovely, amazing angel in Heaven. You are amazing.
Your words bring so many tears, of the possibility to move forward, to go on and try to enjoy life. They speak volumes of your familys strength and bond. I wish you the possibility of more holiday, of more tears (both of joy and sadness), of more LIFE.
I never, ever get used to the feeling I have when I read your blog Sheye. It is like a moment of sadness, the eternity of grieving and the most perfect kiss of life in one breathe. Thank you. I love that you loved your holiday.
Beautiful!! how I admire your strength & courage… Sheye, you truly are an inspiration… I’m so happy your holiday was all that you dreamt it would be…. you deserve it & so much more…. xxxx
I love that your holiday was so special! What a shining example you are to so many who have lost loved ones too soon…what a beautiful example you are setting for your children – that in this life, many things are unfair, down right torture, but you can choose to allow God to move you forward instead of getting lost in the bitterness! Prays and hugs!!!
Your blog is incredible. I am so pleased that your holiday was a dream come true, it was well deserved. This year I have learned the heartache of losing someone so close, and your words and thoughts bring me hope for a day when its ok to smile again. Thank you for sharing x
:)
l,
d xxxxx… x
Sheye, I could read your musings all day long. All day long. You write so incredibly well. And your photos are slightly awesome too. x
So many things to say but can’t quite find the words as lovely as you can. This post answers the questions I had in my head about your holiday without Ava. I’m so glad you’re mending. I’m SO happy for you and your family that you had a fantastic time. I’m smiling thinking about Ivy’s face when she saw the teacup ride and the boys’ at Legoland. And so jealous of all the shopping you got to do!! and so glad you got to spend time with Krysta. That alone was probably one of YOUR highlights!!! So many memories you made to tell Ava. Lots of love and peace, Denise.
beautiful image and words…
Beautiful words, beautiful pic.
I hope you continue to find your happiness again.
Thank you Sheye,
Your thoughts are touching and bring me tears. I’m so happy for the place you are in right now. How wonderful for a heart to be mending. I’m in the middle of the longing and wishing. Someday, perhaps soon, I will be mending, too.
Bridget
Sheye you have such a lovely way with photos and words. Much love to you.\.
My heart breaks for you. Your words are so very beautiful & inspiring. Keep living your life for you, your husband, and your beautiful children.
I know…I know…I too have felt this way once…more time and more joy for you Yea!
But am so glad for time and space and and rejoice with you for that time and love for you….and thinking of Ava…we will never forget her with you! hugs Shi~
Dear Sheye!
I have followed your blog from Norway for a few years and your story and lovely pictures touches me so much! It reminds me to always seize every moment because the time you have with your children is so precious.
Thank you for sharing!
your candor. your sweetness. your honesty. your love. all so apparent.
[...] today and i hope it warms you as well … as sad as life is, life goes on, ebbs and flows Sheye Rosemeyer
Your words and spirit and candor and strength and raw honesty are beautiful, painful, inspiring…
Today my heart has leapt with joy that you and your family had a wonderfully peaceful and joyous time together – there will be many many more.
I could say so much more about how Ava’s life and your living – and the reality of the ability to keep living and loving and laughing – is so far reaching, but I think you likely know already.
God grant you many years of living life with love, hope, peace and tender rememberings.
What a gift you are to so many.
My goodness Sheye, I just don’t know how to say what I feel after reading this post. I’m beyond ecstatic to read your feelings about this holiday. You’re so strong, inspiring, hopeful, articulate, the list goes on. You’ve made me very glad today. And fabulous pictures these past few posts. Stay warm!
Hi Sheye, Today is the first time I have read your blog and I am so blessed to have found it. Your story is so heartbreaking and yet uplifting, too. Your beautiful words and pictures touched my soul and I thank you for that. Please know that someone in Texas is keeping you and your family in her prayers.
xoxo, Lesley
I am so happy that you had such a wonderful time in the USA!
You needed it and deserved it.
I know I can’t ever forget Ava and she has touched my heart in a way that
is hard to comprehend, so I can only imagine how you feel and I know you could
never ever forget her or ever stop hurting over the loss of her.
hugs.
tara pakosta
Hugs and love to you Sheye! Thanks for always being so open in your blog. You are real.
Sheye,
I, “we” will never assume that your grief no longer exists. It will always exists. So, grow, love, share and explore. You and your family deserve it. All of us? We’ll be here waiting, to encourage and support you when you need us most.
(i hate to speak for other people, but I know that those that care for you most certainly feel the same way)
Michelle
xx
A lovely gift. Certainly just what Ava would want for you, for all of you. To find new joy and new happiness, while never forgetting the joy and happiness that have been before.
Yes. I get it. Once more you put into words those things I can’t.
HUGS
Sheye, I am always a better mother after reading your posts. You make me remember to cherish every moment I have with my girls… even the bad moments. I am so lucky to have them all- good, bad and ugly.
My girls have Ava prints above their beds. They don’t know why they are there, but they love them. Though I never knew Ava beyond your photographs of her, I miss her.
Erin
Thank you for always being so honest Sheye. Never a day goes by that I don’t think of you, your family and most certainly Ava. My heart is so happy that your holiday was exactly what you needed.
Much love from NJ,
Sue
xoxo
Sheye, you are as talented a writer and communicator as you are a photographer. May there by many more reasons to celebrate and relish. Ava will always be a part of your happy family.
This was my first visit to your blog, and certainly will not be the last. Your words made me weep, and yet offered me a sense of hope. As a mother I can not, and hope I never will – understand the pain that you speak of, but knowing that people can live on through the worst pain imaginable, even though there were days when you clearly thought that not possible – well, that’s just something special! You are so strong and brave to share such intense emotion with your readers!
Dear Sheye,
I’m glad you were able to have a “happy” holiday. Pictures are gorgeous, as always!
Love,
Tania
One of the most beautiful posts I’ve ever read, it gives me great joy to read of your family’s healing. I’ve been enjoying hearing of your trip to the US and the photos as always are stunning. Thanks for sharing! x
Wow. This is beautiful. I am teary eyed and hopeful. Thanks.
dear sheye-hooray, hooray, hooray.
your little ava will never be forgotten…by you or anyone who has ever read your blog.i am so happy that
your family is finding some peaceful times together…you so deserve it.
and the photos of your trip are AMAZING as always xxx
Sheye, this is beautiful and raw and so real.
It moved me to tears.
i’m so glad that all of you had such a wonderful vacation sheye. thank you for sharing your thoughts, and feelings with us. {hugs}
You have an amazing gift with words that draws me to feel with you! Just stunning! Thankyou for sharing your heart with me, with us!
A wordsmith you are Sheye……here’s to time & dreams x
Hi Sheye, I like this post, you sound genuinely happy. I’m glad to know their is truth in that saying that time does help heal all wounds. (of course it’s not a cure but i’m sure you know what I mean to say). Life just keeps on going on. There’s always something new and special around the corner. :) xo K.