Knowing.
Initially, in those early months of 2007, Ava’s Daddy & I talked about the mixed feelings that went with Ivy not knowing Ava. She was just twelve months old when Ava left. They had not gotten the chance to learn about one another, to play dolls, to fight, to share secrets. It broke our heart to know those things could never be but at the same time, we were relieved that she could grow up without the missing that we, and her brothers, would have to endure.
At that time, I held some vague notion that one day, when Ivy was possibly nine, or twelve, she would come to me and say “So, Mum. This Ava person? Tell me about her.” And I would sit down and tell her about a sister she had..for a short while. Ava. I’d show her the special things. Perhaps open those creaky armoire doors and pull out some faded dresses. And how, against all I believed possible, we survived losing her. Maybe she’d sit quietly and absorb and feel a pang of missing she may not have had before. I don’t really know but the hazy reel played something like that.
And then, a few short months after Ava left, I began finding out that Ivy had an awareness of her sister well beyond what I realized. At just 15 months of age, sitting quietly on my lap in the lounge one night, she suddenly sat straight up and looked over my shoulder. She started to point and asked me to get up, in toddler babble. I was not very keen and she was not giving up. So, we went, her pointing the whole way until we reached the cup cupboard. From it swung a Xmas ornament with Ava’s photo attached and she demanded that I remove it and give it to her. I was baffled, so I did. She promptly kissed it and handed it back. That was it. A brief moment in time but for me it shifted how I perceived their relationship. The reel rewound, just a little. And it scared me.
Since that night, there have been so many moments in time.. Together they’ve created a picture of a little girl who very much knows, and misses, her big sister. Who pleads to wear her dresses, who asks to visit her in Heaven, who tucks treasures away so that she can “give them to Ava when she comes home”. I was not ready for this awareness. It’s not that we constantly mention Ava, we don’t. We’ve had to find a balance for our children where we include their sister but we allow them to live a life that does not include grief every day. We would never want that for them.
It still scares me. I don’t want Ivy to miss Ava. I don’t want a day where she cries, I mean really cries, for the yearning of her sister. I don’t want to have to explain where she went, and why. I don’t even know why. I feel so guilty that she will grow up with even a little bit of the wishing and wondering that we carry. I see her playing alone and it makes my heart hurt. To look at her, to see how very, very much she resembles Ava, to imagine two of them – so similar – side by side. My heart hurts all over again. To think of my own life, growing up with a constant playmate, a confidant, almost a part of my self, called sister..
There is a place in my grief that belongs to Ivy alone, and some days it’s just so much bigger than the rest.
67 shared sentiments
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sheye, this is a beautiful expression of your feelings. i would not have thought of this interesting dynamic of a sister losing a sister at such young an age, your words show your care and compassion. truly your daughter will know your other daughter through how you live your lives. i believe, too, they are connected somehow. a sister’s bond is one that lasts.
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Oh Sheye! This post leaves me with many many tears, as my little Nicholas lost his brother, Heller, at 12 months as well. In all my grief, one of my greatest sorrows is also that Nicholas will never “know” his big brother. I find myself saying, so often, “He needs his big brother.” Family and friends assure me that he will always know the person whose name was his first word, through our stories and love, but I often wonder…
The other day, when looking at photos from Nicholas’s first birthday party, my daughter and I were naming attendees (Big Brother incluced) of his party. Nicholas took the photo book, and while staring intently at the photo said, “Where Heller go?” It was my first realization that he was aware that we were missing a part of us, and that the new “we” was not complete.
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I’m not sure why I posted as “Marta” above. That post was from me.
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Beautiful…Praying that God will continue to hold you up, move you forward, and bring peace in the midst of grief!
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This post hit close to home Sheye. I hurt for Spence not having a brother, not having someone to rough house with. Spence was 6 months old when James died. So much of me wanted Spence to know James, but now that he is aware, he too gets sad because he wished he “had a brother to play with.” Spence so badly wants a little brother and inside I scream and think “but you have a Big Brother. . .” All I know is that this experience for our children is sacred. It’s teaching them love and compassion and understanding. One day, they will be able to give love & support to someone they know in similar shoes because they have all ready gone through it. Much love,
~Michelle
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oh dear sweet sheye. how your words bring the tears. how do you do it? this living. this breathing. this putting one foot in front of the other. you are so amazing indeed. and ivy. she carries her beautiful ava with her in her heart – forever. incredible how these little creatures know so much. i am so sad that she doesn’t have her sister. i see in these photos an incredible big sister – so tender. she fell into her role so flawlessly didn’t she. feeding her ivy, opening her mouth wide – showing her the way – wiping her little baby face. caring for her. she is there still, a little angel sitting on her baby sisters shoulders. god bless ivy. precious beautiful child. god bless all of you – your burden is so heavy – please know how much you all are thought of. you have such an amazing family. so dear. xo m.
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So indescribably, unthinkably unfair.
Too many tears to type,
Vxx
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I often wondered how the children were doing without their darling sister…I didn’t think Ivy would remember either, but it just goes to show how special their relationship was and what a wonderful impact Ava had on so many. I guess when I stop to really think about it, it doesn’t surprise me. My girls were born 19 months apart and I know that My oldest, Savannah would definately have missed her little sister, Ava….I am so sorry that you not only have your own grief, Sheye, but that of your children as well. it really is not fair that anyone should have to go through this.
With that being said, these photos are so breath-taking!
they capture the love between sisters so very well.
Hugs to you and miss Ivy….
I think these photos should be hung right in the kitchen! they are so amazing!
tara
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XO
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As I write with the tears on my cheeks….I send you a hug for comfort.
Beautiful shots, and memories.
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Sheye, this was a beautiful post about your girls. Their bond is so strong and unique from what is shown in only these two pictures. I’m sure Ivy will be extremly grateful for that big sister she did have. What a smart little cookie miss. ivy is too. :)
x&o’s
Amanda
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Ava has weaved her love into the lives of many people and I’m so happy that Ivy is one of those. How precious for Ivy to have images which capture that love Sheye.
Always thinking of you xxx
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Beautiful.
You are just the most beautiful mother. My heart aches for you. xx
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vous avez toujours de trés belles photos, qui reflètent l’amour que vous portait à vos enfants.
Je vous embrasse trés fort.
Lisou
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Oh Sheye, I shouldn’t have read this on my lunch break at work. So beautifully written and shared, but so heartbreaking.
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Our Daughter passed away January 9, 2009. She was Stillborn when I was 8 months pregnant. Douglas, my Son and her older Brother, has told me on a few occasions that his baby Sister isn’t a baby anymore. It gives me chills, but It makes me sad because I wish I could see her too.
I love reading your Blog. You are an inspiration to those of us who have lost our little ones. I find comfort in your words, experiences and constant strength. Thank you.
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moments before reading this…my ava, she just turned 4, was giving me the tantrum of her life. i was feeling so angry at her…so frustrated…feeling sorry for myself…the day felt so hard.
then.
i read this.
tears.
you inspired me to be a better mother today. you brought my reality into focus. the blessing of our children…so real.
thank you…my heart aches for you…
Tonya
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I lost my first baby at 3 days old, and all the rest of my children still talk about her, even though they never met, here on the earth. But they are looking forward to the day that they will meet her again.
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hugs sheye. my heart really aches for you.. for ivy. ava should be here. it just isn’t right.
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my heart just broke into a million pieces. i wish, i wish, i wish.
jules xo
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dear s,
our lives are tied together
with heartstrings; what a
blessing that your two girls
are tied so tightly…
side-by-side:)
l,
d xxxxx… x
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Sheye,
I have been reading your blog for some time now, but never have left a comment. I lost my four year old daughter, Mikayla, on February 15th of this year. She battled cancer for a year and lost her battle just four months ago. Your blogs have brought me some comfort in knowing there are really parents and families out there who have made it through this awful journey. Your blogs about the funny things your children do and all the stories have shown me light on the darkest of days. I have a 10 month old, who, like your Ivy, knows who Mikayla is and loves her and misses her and talks about her. I am wishing you strength and sunshine in your life. I want you to know how much you have helped me and how touched I have been by your story. God bless you and your beautiful family. You have helped me in so many ways, you will never know. I am sure Ava and Mikayla are up in heaven dancing together, watching over us.
-Emily S.
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Dear Sheye,
Had many tears reading this post, I am the mum of two girls and I cannot imagine your grief. Your writing inspires me to be a better mum and to cherish every moment with them. My heart goes out to you and your family…
xx
Kristen
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this is such a beautiful post that brings tears to my eyes. There is a part in Ivy’s heart who remembers Ava’s love and it stays there forever.
My heart aches for Ivy and you when I saw the photos of Ava being a proud sister, ad how Ivy will not be able to share more adventures with her sister. But knowing that Ivy does little things for her sister now and then, it gives me hope. And I thnk the super prnicess is happy when she knows that her sister has never stopped loving her back.
Sometimes, babies just understand more than adults do :)May God bless you and your family always.
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oh sheye. the pictures, the words… you are incrcedible in your strength and your mothering. i am thinking of you and sending my love.
~emily
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oh sheye. the pictures, the words… you are incredible in your strength and your mothering and everything else you do. i am thinking about you and sending my love… to ivy, too.
~emily
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Oh my goodness Sheye.
It truly is so sad & unfair.
I am so sorry and speechless.
xxx
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I am at a loss, as usual, to put words to the feelings your own thoughts evoke in me. I have lived the losing of a brother, one that I knew my whole life. It never occurred to me that their could be an equal grief in imagining the not knowing. I’m glad that Ivy knows, I think. Such a bittersweet thing. The knowing and the pain that comes with it.
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Sending you love today.
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I love that photo of Ava cleaning up Ivy’s face while her little hand covered in food is resting on the top of her head:) So adorable. Beautiful post and my thoughts are with you.
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All I can say is I am sending you many hugs today.. because I cannot even imagine your grief and the longing.. such a beautiful post such a wonderful mum you are.
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Oh, God, Sheye. I get it. I feel the same way and I understand. I’m crying for us, for all of us who lost babies too soon. Babies whose absence will be felt by younger siblings to young to know and understand. My heart *aches* daily for the loss Lily has experienced and for what she will never be privileged to know. Oh, I’m sending you such HUGE HUGS for having to experience these things we never should have.
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I believe it’s simply not possible for Ivy to not realize the impact her sister has left on so many lives … the little ones and the big ones. I love the look of determination on Ava’s face as she attempts to “clean” her sister. Hugs …
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Love.
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I´m sure Ivy will always carry the sisterhood feeling in her heart, Ava has stamped her soul forever. Those shots are an invaluable treasure for her. They indeed love each other, look at both faces, how they can comunicate without saying any words…
Love from far away! xxx
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Oh, my heart hurts for Ivy too. I also have a sister who is like the other part of my soul – like part of me lives outside my own body in hers. It is tragic that Ivy was robbed of that same special bond. But in a sense, she is lucky to have had Ava at all, and to cherish her in her own unexpected way. And she is of course blessed to have you – and the rest of your family to love her so greatly!
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Sweetie, I love seeing photos of Ava I have never seen before. Look at her lil mouth open wide feeding Ivy. Precious.
When I was chatting with Ivy the other day (mid broken champagne glass clean up!!!) we chatted about Ava’s decorations in the lounge room. It was a beautiful conversation & I am so glad Ivy knows her sister, Ava’s spirit will continue on in your family forever.
The finallity is hard to comprehend, even for us adults.Love you
x
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I’ve thought about this many times since reading about Ava’s accident… it was one of my first thoughts I had. I imagine that is because I have an older sister (we’re about the same age difference as your girls) and the thought of growing up without her, well I can’t imagine that. Not that anyone ever can. When Ava left my heart hurt for your entire family and circle of friends, but most of all I felt such a sense of missing-out for Ivy. All of the beautiful photos you have of Ava and stories you’ve written will surely be a great comfort to her. They will help fill in the blanks about a person Ivy will likely always long for on some level. The stories and photos are pieces of her sister who, here or not, she is connected to. You should be very proud of the images and stories of Ava you have collected and preserved… they are treasures that will I’m sure mean a tremendous amount to your boys and Ivy in the years to come.
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Sheye – Ivy missed Ava the day she left…she just didn’t know how to convey that to you. My 9 month old granddaughter knows when her big brother isn’t around (while he’s at school). She puts her hands out and says “awex” and she looks around for him. Memories will come flooding back for Ivy of Ava and, no she won’t ever understand, because like you said you don’t even understand; but you will find a way to explain it to her so that it doesn’t hurt too much, that much I am sure of.
Love, Denise xx
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I read this blog yesterday sometime and have not stopped thinking about it. I really think that Ivy will eventually be so happy that she gets to miss Ava with the rest of the family. She will cherish the memories and love she has for her. Where as is she had no memory of her big sister she would probably grow up aching to know her, and being sad that she doesn’t while the rest of the family has so many great memories with Ava. I’ve known people in my life and lost them in such a short time, and while maybe at first I wondered why God would put them in my life only to take them away, I eventually came to be so grateful for the short amount of time I’ve had with them, even if it does mean missing them, until we meet again. And I am sure Ivy will grow to feel the same way. While you don’t want your little girl to feel the heart ache of missing her big sister, I think it would be far more tragic to have the heart ache of never knowing at all.
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What beautiful pictures! Ivy will always always cherish these pictures, as will you. Someday they will run and play in heaven…of this I am POSITIVE!!!
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Sheye, this statement you made, “I don’t want a day where she cries, I mean really cries, for the yearning of her sister” tears at my heart. I fear there will be more days than you will ever imagine when sweet Ivy will cry out to God for answers, for comfort, for her big sister.
My precious big sis left us tragically when she was 19 months old, I was 3 months old. I have 3 older brothers, but the love and protection they gave me never made up for the lost of my sister. How different my life would have been is the thought that continues to linger in my mind.
I am 31 now and have 3 daughters of my own. My girls know their Aunt Melissa as their guardian angel. Tonight my oldest daughter, Melissa, asked to see pictures of my sister. She put one of the photos in a frame to keep in her room. The comfort my girl’s feel knowing that Aunt Melissa is always with them amazes me.
Although the grief has never left my heart, my sister lives on in a way I will never fully grasp. Ivy too will find a kind of comfort from Ava’s constant presence in her life – even in those trying moments when she resents the fact that it ever happened, Ava will be there, wrapping Ivy in her wings.
Ivy will be in my heart and prayers for eternity. Blessings, julie
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Thankyou, everyone for the beautiful words and comfort, as always.
Julie, I will admit my heart beats faster reading your words, knowing that you have experienced what Ivy has ahead of her and that it wasn’t all smooth sailing for you. I just wish for different but wishing hasn’t got me very far yet. I love that your daughters know and love their aunt – you have done a great service to your sister.
Thankyou for taking the time to share your thoughts and I’m so sorry for your loss.
Love Sheye xx
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Oh Sheye, my heart breaks for all of you. These photos are going to be such amazing treasures to Ivy, as I’m sure they are to all of you. xoxo
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Wow ~ What BEAUTIFUL pictures. They are going to be a treasure for Ivy be sure!
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Hi Sheye,
I logged in to tell you of an award that i was giving you,but it all seems so silly and frivilous after reading this post.
I have always wondered how your kids coped with the loss of Ava.I think its very comforting to know
that the sister connection is so strong.Ivy will be all the more shiny and gorgeous in her life because of her Ava and her spirit.Sending you and Ivy rainbows xxxxx
p.s. the photos of 2 sisters really are divine. x
also,i am having a lot of trouble with your site….it takes about 3 or 4 minutes to appear on the screen…..not sure if others are having the same problem.??
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I am sitting here in tears at the amazing words and emotion that you have been able to re-tell. I wish you all the strength. Those photos alone shows the amazing relationship that your two youngest daughters had.
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Wow, what an amazing perspective. I am pregnant right now and my daughter is four. One of the biggest reasons we decided to have another baby was so we wouldn’t deprive our daughter of a sibling relationship. Ava will live on in Ivy’s heart, you have to have faith in that which I am sure you do. As always, your words broaden my perspective and open my mind. Thank you.
-Desiree
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So beautiful, so many tears for both of your precious girls. Sadly I fear Ivy will know the missing too. In a different way to you and her daddy and brothers but it will be with her always. My father died when I was very little and I think well meaning family and friends thought it would be easier for me as ‘I was too little to remember’. But this is exactly what would hurt the most. At times throughout my childhood I would ache with longing for him. I am 30 now and still miss him every day. When the waves of grief come for Ivy please don’t allow others to believe that it hurts less for her. She too has lost so much, but she is incredibly blessed to have such a loving, caring family. Ava will be in Ivy’s heart always.
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I love seeing in frames, I love the beauty in the ordinary, I love my camera, I love that when I see images I hear too. I love the latelight, I love finding moments I didn’t imagine and I love creating moments I did. I love learning more every day, I love sharing what I’ve come to know, and I love making pictures pretty.
I’m so glad you stopped by. xx
What special photos these are! I know Ivy will Cherish these someday. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.