Hazy {Missing the Missing}
Ironically, my last post before Ava left was titled “Happy Days”.
It was Australia Day. We took the boys and Ava to the beach, to Shearwater Crescent..a tiny little strip of coast off a quiet suburban street not far from home. It was our favorite haunt. They were having so much fun, making snow angels in the sand, having running races, throwing water over each other – much to Ava’s annoyance.
We sat watching them, talking about the happy little trio they made. I also remember how many times we told them not to go too far into the water – we were worried about sharks. And how Ava didn’t dress to swim and ended up soaking wet..She traveled home in a shirt and nothing else and threw a tantrum when I wouldn’t take her half naked into the store on the way. I even remember putting her dinner on a plate when we got in. Silly little things.
I took a lot of photos that day but in the blur that followed so soon after, I could not find where I had put most of them. I’ve had three computers since. I’ve shuffled photos all around and in the back of my mind, been increasingly worried that I’d lost those priceless images.
Something about me though.. When I’m worried, I avoid. I pretend and delude and hold some hazy belief it will all be okay in the end. That approach has meant it’s taken me two years to get brave enough to really look for the rest of those pictures. And today I found them. And I caught my breath and I couldn’t look as properly as I wanted to and then, I sobbed. Not with relief because I’d told myself they weren’t lost. It was with the intensity of missing.
It wasn’t just missing Ava though..it was the missing of so much more. Looking at those photos, I didn’t feel a knowing. Not like then. I couldn’t hear her voice or remember what it was like to have her here. To just be together. To think for four. To watch the clock on kindy days, to expect her to walk into the room any moment, to know what she needs for dinner. It’s not clear any more. I can’t believe she’s not here yet I can’t believe she was here.
I feared this very thing. Two years ago I was so scared of anything fading, knowing I couldn’t stop it. It’s the price you pay – the pain recedes, ever so slowly, but so do the memories – much, much too soon. Until now, I’ve desperately yearned to see her again. To hold her. Today, I would gladly step back to the start, amidst the full force of grief, just to feel the missing without the haze of seven hundred days.
Today, I miss the missing.
81 shared sentiments
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I can feel what you are feeling but have not actually experinced it, my heart aches when you write about the missing. As bad as the the first 50 days were I can truly understand why you would want to go back to visit that time period again. You and your family are often in my thoughts and you have changed me in my role as a mother of young children. Thank you for that. I still sob at the missing.
Many prayers for you Sheye.
Laura-Lee, Ontario Canada
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My heart hurts so bad for you! I just wish I could say something that would make it all better again. I too often think about you and your family….I just want you to know that you have touched so many people in this world, especially mothers. Because of you we all strive to be better mom’s, thanks you! Beauty full pictures!!!
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The photos are beautiful, Sheye. Particularly the last one you’ve posted.
I’m thinking of you.
A
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you amaze me my darling sheye. you amaze me with your words and your raw honesty. such a powerful word “missing” is. these images are nothing short of wonderful. i am so thankful you have them. photography is so powerful – it captures these little snippets in time that mean so much. sometimes we don’t know just how much they mean. the happiness in ava’s face as she concentrates making her snow angel, licking a drop of water from her mouth, running with a fist full of treasures. it’s amazing. your photography is breathtaking. somewhere deep down inside her voice is there. never leaving her mummy, her daddy, her darling brothers. somewhere deep down inside that sweet little girl whispers her dreams to you. i wish the memories didn’t have to fade in time. i wish you could hear every single moment for always. you made her life so wonderful it’s evident. you are an incredible mum. i’m so sorry you are hurting. i can’t imagine how hard the missing is. xo
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Sheye,
I think that maybe things need to get hazy so that you don’t miss her with that much intensity and grief, because it would be so hard to have that intense level of feelings on a daily basis. yet, the way you explain it, i totally understand what you mean. these photos are PRICELESS! i mean absolutely breathtaking, but beautifully painful at the same time. you are such an amazing mum and you were so amazing to ava, she will never let you forget her, not completely, just enough so it doesn’t hurt quite as much as those first months. hugs from afar.
tara
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(((( sheye )))) it’s so strange the way events unfold. although i just stumbled upon your photography, blog and consequently ava’s story, about a month ago, 2 of belle and boo’s pictures representing your sweet, beloved ava had been hanging in my daughter’s room for over a year <3 up until i read your blog, i never knew that ‘ava’ was any more than a clever character dreamt up by a talented artist. so when i read the story, and put two-and-two together, my heart ached and leapt at the same time. i feel privileged to be bearing witness to the life of your sweet daughter a continent away, and these several years later. as a mother, my heart aches for you, and i wish i could reach across all of these miles and just hug you while you hurt. ava lives on through you and your beautiful testimony to her precious life.
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Oh Sheye,
Sending big hugs over to you…Love,
Tania
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Sheye, I’ve been back to comment 3x and can’t find the words. Thank you for sharing such special pictures when it hurts you so. Your pictures are so beautiful and moving.
Much love and hugs from NJ,
Sue
xoxo
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It disappears for a while….but it returns.
My Dad died when I was 18….Im soon to be 37 and I cried til I could scarcely breathe last week after hearing his favourite song. The things I thought I’d forgotten came back in a micro-second. It’s all there, stored in a part of our brains much like a computer, sometimes it’s hard to ‘retrieve’ and we think we’ve lost it…..but it’s there.{Midnight Blue by ELO}
Vxx
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What priceless pictures. I am so glad you found them.
I know Oh.So.Well. what you are saying. And I wish I didn’t…
Hugs Sheye…thank you for wording my heart through wording yours…again.
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i am so sorry for your pain. if i sit quietly, i can still hear my father’s voice calling me “rachie-poo”…10 year on.
it stays in us, quiet, so we can rest.
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Ava is absolutely luminous in these “new”(found) pictures. I am happy you found them, but I know that finding them stirs up so much raw emotion.
Thank you for sharing Ava with us; and sharing your story with us. Your words always move me, and always remind me to slow down on this race track we call Life, and savor every moment with my children.
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For a reason, I often leave a comment on your posts of Ava.
Fist of all, it touch the bottom of my heart, and second, the words are so strong and honestly well written.
Two years is not long, Sheye.
I can only imagine, you will hear her crying, yelling, singing, laughing and whispering one day, and feel she’s far away the next.
Not to be teaching, but she might get closer tomorrow? Even if I know you will never feel she is close enough… I’m so sad for your sorrow and pain, Sheye. I could have done so much to ease your pain, even if I don’t know you in person.Ps: I’ve lost your e-mail adr… (if you miss my pictures..) (I give you a smile on this one..)
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thinking of you, s…
l,
d xxxxx… x
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Dear Sheye,
I stumble upon your blog a few days ago, I’m not exactly sure (i think flickr)…in my daughters room hangs the pictures of Ava with wings and in Wonderland, much like Lauren I did not know of her until I read her beautiful yet heart wrenching story. My heart goes out to you with much hugs and love, I am so sorry for your sadness and pain. Of your exceptionally beautiful pictures you can clearly see that she was much love and her beauty captured for ever to be generously shared by you to the world. You remind me to slow down and record every moment with my girls. Your words so beautifully expressed makes me shed many tears (bawling my eyes out actually, cannot clearly see to type) for I can not even imagine the feelings, thoughts and emotions you go through everyday. I am sure she will be with you for always…and as I rest my daughters to sleep…love for ever and ever and always. Thank you for opening you heart and sharing her story.
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Vanessa T (above) said much better what I was thinking. It’s awful to think you have lost the missing, but it IS still there, filed away.
It’s been eleven years for me since my Rowan was stillborn. This year his birthday was the worst for almost a decade. I don’t know why, but the memorys were there RIGHT RIGHT there in my head, things I thought I’d forgotten. And as horribly painful as it was – it was FANTASTIC TOO!!!!
MANY HUGS
Justine
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Oh Sheye. I just don’t know what to say. If I am feeling this after just reading your words, and looking at those breathtaking photos, I cannot even imagine the depth of your emotions. I’m so glad you did find those photos, despite the conflicting emotions stirred up. You write with such eloquence and rawness, and in a way that seems to so deeply express what lies in your heart and soul. Love Sherri XO
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I am so, so sorry. There are no other words.
Jules xo
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Dear Sheye I have never met you or your family but I feel like I do, Thanks to Ava you have change many peoples life, I have a very good friend who is always working and not expending time with her kids, thanks to you I found the right words to make her understand that every day is a Gift, so don’t be so hard on yourself and think about all the good things that you are bringing to other peoples. Ava with only three years on this earth has done so much more than many other that live to 70 or more.
Elda
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She’s beautiful.
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Sheye,
Those pictures make my heart feel heavy. They are beautiful. I have a camera somewhere in this house with a film in it that I finished a week before we lost Belle. I have never been able to develop it. Most would think I would be desperate to see images of Isabelle I’d never seen before but I am terrified and thus it has sat in a drawer.
The days are cooling Sheye, it only means one thing to me and my heart hurts.
I am thinking of you, always.
Much loves,
Dxxxx
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The journey through grief is full of so many unexpected turns. After my brother died, the pain was physical… I felt I couldn’t breathe. I longed for it to go away. Then it would come and go. And then there were days that were peaceful, which I so longed to find… and felt sad to find, all the same. Thinking of you.
xx
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Wow. I had that same thought process just this evening, the memories that fade and the longing to have them, even with the pain. The photos are, of course, stunning. And, Ava is, of course, just gorgeous. What a beautiful family, Sheye. I’m sorry, I’m just so sorry.
HUGS.
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This takes my breath away. And leaves me with a lump in my throat. There are no words.
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Hi Sheye. It’s Michelle. It’s interesting that your heart feels so similar to mine with our loss. At times I look at those at the beginning of their grief journey, and even get a bit envious that they can still remember life with. There is a song that Trace Adkins sings and it’s called, “You’re gonna miss this”. It talks about how “your gonna want this back, You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast.” Though it’s nice and a relief that every single day isn’t as excrutiating as it was in the beginning, truly there are days that “I miss it” and wish “they hadn’t gone by so fast”, referring to the early days of grief. I miss feeling close to James like I felt when I was grieving so heavily and deeply, I miss being able to remember what he smelled like and what his body felt like in my arms, and his voice. These pictures are beautiful and what a beautiful gift. It’s kind of nice getting some forgotten memories a little later. That happened several times in just the past 6 months w/James. One more angle, one more expression that you haven’t seen. Much love.
Michelle
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My God. Ava is just breathtaking. Always, but especially in those pictures.
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Sending love your way. She is so incredibly beautiful.
{{{HUGS}}}
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I caught my breath with this entry. It’s still stuck in my throat. That post was my introduction to you and your beautiful work. I will always remember it. These new images are just…well…breath taking.
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I’m with Sue Sheye ~ I just don’t know what to say. I just cannot imagine the anticipation of looking through unseen pictures of your girl. I just can’t.
Load of love to you, Vanessa xx
(ps… I’ve got those pics ready ~ sorry it’s taken SO long x)
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Thanks for sharing your story. Whenever you mention your darling Ava, it just wrenches my heart. I am amazed at how many lives you have touched. I just think you were so lucky to take so many pictures. They are all so precious. Thanks again.
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oh Sheye my heart is filled with sadness and love after reading your post today
I don’t know what to say. I waas listening to this song the other day and the lyrics remind me of you, and dear Ava.Let Me Down Easy by Shawn Desman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F13iaEKT48A&feature=relatedMay God bless and keep the princess.
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Sheye, as long as I have read your blog, I always feared for this post. To me, this realisation would be the hardest. However through this blog, your amazing pictures (and these are even mor amazing) and the extraorinary person you are, I hope you find a way to live through this too. Yo angel Ava is so so beautiful. Your family is beautiful. xx
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The first image in this post is breathtaking. In two days we head to Australia and I thought of checking your blog. I am like you in that I put off looking for things lost in the hope that as long as I don’t look they may still be there! Sorry to ramble. My reason for commenting is simply to say you have reminded me why I photograph. In times when I look at the piles of images I have and wonder what possessed me to be so trigger happy I will remember your ‘missing’ and know that I can never take too many and I can never stop. Thanks for being so inspiring.
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It’s funny, but even with our children who are here with us now, the memories of them when they were little fade away. I have often been saddened by that thought..that those years when they were little are gone now, only to be replaced by the memories of them now at 10 and 7 years old. I wish that I could hold onto all the memories of them, from when they were one until now, but I can’t. Photos often do us a disservice, in that we look back, but cannot remember exactly what it was like to be there that day, or remember what they were like. Taking the photo (to hold onto the memory) often brings on more saddness for me because of what I have already stated above. (However, I still love photos!)
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Sheye, thinking of you today. Hugs from afar.
xoxo
E
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I think of you and your family often. Oh Sheye, she was so loved and you guys were lucky to have each other. Best wishes.
Christine
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I have goosebumps. I don’t know if it is because our beautiful daughters were born at the same time a world apart….or that they are two sides of the same coin. One blonde and girly and one dark-haired and tomboy but I feel your words down to my very heart. I’m sorry isn’t enough but it’s all I have to say to you.
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I am crying, as usual, after reading your lovely post. I so agree with Lynne. I think this is a feeling that all parents can understand, because the children we know will soon be gone, utterly lost to us, replaced with new versions so different as to be unrecognizable. I know I will one day look back at the photos of my daughter now, at 3, and think, “I can’t believe that child ever existed.” But of course, I will have the pleasure of seeing what she became. That, of course, is the heartbreaking difference.
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Oh Sheye, I wish I could give you whatever I could to help you today. She is so beautiful, I know you will cherish this little gift from her saying “hello mummy…here i am”
Sending lots of love…
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Oh, sheye, if I could make a wish, this one would go for you.
Love
Elisabeth
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Oh, Sheye…*hugs*
I’m sending lots of love and best wishes and hugs for a better tomorrow.
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Oh sweetheart. It’s just all too cruel.
Thank goodness for these wonderful photos that will help you preserve your memories.
Big hugs & loves to you. x
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I read this post on facebook this morning, but now seeing the pictures here again I have tears streaming. I remember standing before Ava the day we said goodbye to her & never wanting to forget the shine in her hair. Now looking at the third picture down, the way the light is on her hair it floods my mind with how perfectly perfect she is. Her hair is shining golden just the way I remember….
She is with you sweetheart, & so are all of the memories, her sweet whispers of Miss Mummy…just for you.
x
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Love and hugs, Sheye.
Jane
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I don’t think we mothers ever really forget. The scent of our children, the feel of their trusting fingers in ours, the smile on their baby lips, is still here, deep in our hearts, safe. On certain days, something tiny unlocks the door and it all comes flooding out. Then you know it’s been there all along, waiting for the right moment to visit you again. She will never leave you, don’t worry,
hugs
C
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I stumbled across your blog a while back, I think from Ava’s picture on another blog, I’m not sure. But I must say that you’re both brilliant and amazing. I have an Ava, the same age, and can’t imagine what you’ve been through. Your talent is unreal, both artistically and poetically. A beautiful post, indeed.
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Hey sheye…..that last photo of Ava is so powerful & beautiful(& so are your words) Cry….you have good reason to x
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Speechless
forever in our thoughts
love tara+eliza
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what a gift to have found these photos! ava is just gorgeous, shining and so content… they really capture a magical day before all things were changed forever… perhaps you found these just when you needed them – because you were ready?
your words are so moving and thought provoking… as always… ava has touched so many and you truly inspire!
roweena x
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I love seeing in frames, I love the beauty in the ordinary, I love my camera, I love that when I see images I hear too. I love the latelight, I love finding moments I didn’t imagine and I love creating moments I did. I love learning more every day, I love sharing what I’ve come to know, and I love making pictures pretty.
I’m so glad you stopped by. xx
I`ll never forget the Happy Days post, and the grief and sorrow I felt reading the next post. I never met you and your family, but you`r often in my thoughts. All strenght and love to you from me.