Hazy {Missing the Missing}
Ironically, my last post before Ava left was titled “Happy Days”.
It was Australia Day. We took the boys and Ava to the beach, to Shearwater Crescent..a tiny little strip of coast off a quiet suburban street not far from home. It was our favorite haunt. They were having so much fun, making snow angels in the sand, having running races, throwing water over each other – much to Ava’s annoyance.
We sat watching them, talking about the happy little trio they made. I also remember how many times we told them not to go too far into the water – we were worried about sharks. And how Ava didn’t dress to swim and ended up soaking wet..She traveled home in a shirt and nothing else and threw a tantrum when I wouldn’t take her half naked into the store on the way. I even remember putting her dinner on a plate when we got in. Silly little things.
I took a lot of photos that day but in the blur that followed so soon after, I could not find where I had put most of them. I’ve had three computers since. I’ve shuffled photos all around and in the back of my mind, been increasingly worried that I’d lost those priceless images.
Something about me though.. When I’m worried, I avoid. I pretend and delude and hold some hazy belief it will all be okay in the end. That approach has meant it’s taken me two years to get brave enough to really look for the rest of those pictures. And today I found them. And I caught my breath and I couldn’t look as properly as I wanted to and then, I sobbed. Not with relief because I’d told myself they weren’t lost. It was with the intensity of missing.
It wasn’t just missing Ava though..it was the missing of so much more. Looking at those photos, I didn’t feel a knowing. Not like then. I couldn’t hear her voice or remember what it was like to have her here. To just be together. To think for four. To watch the clock on kindy days, to expect her to walk into the room any moment, to know what she needs for dinner. It’s not clear any more. I can’t believe she’s not here yet I can’t believe she was here.
I feared this very thing. Two years ago I was so scared of anything fading, knowing I couldn’t stop it. It’s the price you pay – the pain recedes, ever so slowly, but so do the memories – much, much too soon. Until now, I’ve desperately yearned to see her again. To hold her. Today, I would gladly step back to the start, amidst the full force of grief, just to feel the missing without the haze of seven hundred days.
Today, I miss the missing.
I`ll never forget the Happy Days post, and the grief and sorrow I felt reading the next post. I never met you and your family, but you`r often in my thoughts. All strenght and love to you from me.
I can feel what you are feeling but have not actually experinced it, my heart aches when you write about the missing. As bad as the the first 50 days were I can truly understand why you would want to go back to visit that time period again. You and your family are often in my thoughts and you have changed me in my role as a mother of young children. Thank you for that. I still sob at the missing.
Many prayers for you Sheye.
Laura-Lee, Ontario Canada
My heart hurts so bad for you! I just wish I could say something that would make it all better again. I too often think about you and your family….I just want you to know that you have touched so many people in this world, especially mothers. Because of you we all strive to be better mom’s, thanks you! Beauty full pictures!!!
The photos are beautiful, Sheye. Particularly the last one you’ve posted.
I’m thinking of you.
A
you amaze me my darling sheye. you amaze me with your words and your raw honesty. such a powerful word “missing” is. these images are nothing short of wonderful. i am so thankful you have them. photography is so powerful – it captures these little snippets in time that mean so much. sometimes we don’t know just how much they mean. the happiness in ava’s face as she concentrates making her snow angel, licking a drop of water from her mouth, running with a fist full of treasures. it’s amazing. your photography is breathtaking. somewhere deep down inside her voice is there. never leaving her mummy, her daddy, her darling brothers. somewhere deep down inside that sweet little girl whispers her dreams to you. i wish the memories didn’t have to fade in time. i wish you could hear every single moment for always. you made her life so wonderful it’s evident. you are an incredible mum. i’m so sorry you are hurting. i can’t imagine how hard the missing is. xo
Sheye,
I think that maybe things need to get hazy so that you don’t miss her with that much intensity and grief, because it would be so hard to have that intense level of feelings on a daily basis. yet, the way you explain it, i totally understand what you mean. these photos are PRICELESS! i mean absolutely breathtaking, but beautifully painful at the same time. you are such an amazing mum and you were so amazing to ava, she will never let you forget her, not completely, just enough so it doesn’t hurt quite as much as those first months. hugs from afar.
tara
(((( sheye )))) it’s so strange the way events unfold. although i just stumbled upon your photography, blog and consequently ava’s story, about a month ago, 2 of belle and boo’s pictures representing your sweet, beloved ava had been hanging in my daughter’s room for over a year <3 up until i read your blog, i never knew that ‘ava’ was any more than a clever character dreamt up by a talented artist. so when i read the story, and put two-and-two together, my heart ached and leapt at the same time. i feel privileged to be bearing witness to the life of your sweet daughter a continent away, and these several years later. as a mother, my heart aches for you, and i wish i could reach across all of these miles and just hug you while you hurt. ava lives on through you and your beautiful testimony to her precious life.
Oh Sheye,
Sending big hugs over to you…
Love,
Tania
Sheye, I’ve been back to comment 3x and can’t find the words. Thank you for sharing such special pictures when it hurts you so. Your pictures are so beautiful and moving.
Much love and hugs from NJ,
Sue
xoxo
It disappears for a while….but it returns.
My Dad died when I was 18….Im soon to be 37 and I cried til I could scarcely breathe last week after hearing his favourite song. The things I thought I’d forgotten came back in a micro-second. It’s all there, stored in a part of our brains much like a computer, sometimes it’s hard to ‘retrieve’ and we think we’ve lost it…..but it’s there.
{Midnight Blue by ELO}
Vxx
What priceless pictures. I am so glad you found them.
I know Oh.So.Well. what you are saying. And I wish I didn’t…
Hugs Sheye…thank you for wording my heart through wording yours…again.
i am so sorry for your pain. if i sit quietly, i can still hear my father’s voice calling me “rachie-poo”…10 year on.
it stays in us, quiet, so we can rest.
Ava is absolutely luminous in these “new”(found) pictures. I am happy you found them, but I know that finding them stirs up so much raw emotion.
Thank you for sharing Ava with us; and sharing your story with us. Your words always move me, and always remind me to slow down on this race track we call Life, and savor every moment with my children.
For a reason, I often leave a comment on your posts of Ava.
Fist of all, it touch the bottom of my heart, and second, the words are so strong and honestly well written.
Two years is not long, Sheye.
I can only imagine, you will hear her crying, yelling, singing, laughing and whispering one day, and feel she’s far away the next.
Not to be teaching, but she might get closer tomorrow? Even if I know you will never feel she is close enough… I’m so sad for your sorrow and pain, Sheye. I could have done so much to ease your pain, even if I don’t know you in person.
Ps: I’ve lost your e-mail adr… (if you miss my pictures..) (I give you a smile on this one..)
thinking of you, s…
l,
d xxxxx… x
Dear Sheye,
I stumble upon your blog a few days ago, I’m not exactly sure (i think flickr)…in my daughters room hangs the pictures of Ava with wings and in Wonderland, much like Lauren I did not know of her until I read her beautiful yet heart wrenching story. My heart goes out to you with much hugs and love, I am so sorry for your sadness and pain. Of your exceptionally beautiful pictures you can clearly see that she was much love and her beauty captured for ever to be generously shared by you to the world. You remind me to slow down and record every moment with my girls. Your words so beautifully expressed makes me shed many tears (bawling my eyes out actually, cannot clearly see to type) for I can not even imagine the feelings, thoughts and emotions you go through everyday. I am sure she will be with you for always…and as I rest my daughters to sleep…love for ever and ever and always. Thank you for opening you heart and sharing her story.
Vanessa T (above) said much better what I was thinking. It’s awful to think you have lost the missing, but it IS still there, filed away.
It’s been eleven years for me since my Rowan was stillborn. This year his birthday was the worst for almost a decade. I don’t know why, but the memorys were there RIGHT RIGHT there in my head, things I thought I’d forgotten. And as horribly painful as it was – it was FANTASTIC TOO!!!!
MANY HUGS
Justine
Oh Sheye. I just don’t know what to say. If I am feeling this after just reading your words, and looking at those breathtaking photos, I cannot even imagine the depth of your emotions. I’m so glad you did find those photos, despite the conflicting emotions stirred up. You write with such eloquence and rawness, and in a way that seems to so deeply express what lies in your heart and soul. Love Sherri XO
I am so, so sorry. There are no other words.
Jules xo
Dear Sheye I have never met you or your family but I feel like I do, Thanks to Ava you have change many peoples life, I have a very good friend who is always working and not expending time with her kids, thanks to you I found the right words to make her understand that every day is a Gift, so don’t be so hard on yourself and think about all the good things that you are bringing to other peoples. Ava with only three years on this earth has done so much more than many other that live to 70 or more.
Elda
She’s beautiful.
Sheye,
Those pictures make my heart feel heavy. They are beautiful. I have a camera somewhere in this house with a film in it that I finished a week before we lost Belle. I have never been able to develop it. Most would think I would be desperate to see images of Isabelle I’d never seen before but I am terrified and thus it has sat in a drawer.
The days are cooling Sheye, it only means one thing to me and my heart hurts.
I am thinking of you, always.
Much loves,
Dxxxx
The journey through grief is full of so many unexpected turns. After my brother died, the pain was physical… I felt I couldn’t breathe. I longed for it to go away. Then it would come and go. And then there were days that were peaceful, which I so longed to find… and felt sad to find, all the same. Thinking of you.
xx
Wow. I had that same thought process just this evening, the memories that fade and the longing to have them, even with the pain. The photos are, of course, stunning. And, Ava is, of course, just gorgeous. What a beautiful family, Sheye. I’m sorry, I’m just so sorry.
HUGS.
This takes my breath away. And leaves me with a lump in my throat. There are no words.
Hi Sheye. It’s Michelle. It’s interesting that your heart feels so similar to mine with our loss. At times I look at those at the beginning of their grief journey, and even get a bit envious that they can still remember life with. There is a song that Trace Adkins sings and it’s called, “You’re gonna miss this”. It talks about how “your gonna want this back, You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast.” Though it’s nice and a relief that every single day isn’t as excrutiating as it was in the beginning, truly there are days that “I miss it” and wish “they hadn’t gone by so fast”, referring to the early days of grief. I miss feeling close to James like I felt when I was grieving so heavily and deeply, I miss being able to remember what he smelled like and what his body felt like in my arms, and his voice. These pictures are beautiful and what a beautiful gift. It’s kind of nice getting some forgotten memories a little later. That happened several times in just the past 6 months w/James. One more angle, one more expression that you haven’t seen. Much love.
Michelle
My God. Ava is just breathtaking. Always, but especially in those pictures.
Sending love your way. She is so incredibly beautiful.
{{{HUGS}}}
I caught my breath with this entry. It’s still stuck in my throat. That post was my introduction to you and your beautiful work. I will always remember it. These new images are just…well…breath taking.
I’m with Sue Sheye ~ I just don’t know what to say. I just cannot imagine the anticipation of looking through unseen pictures of your girl. I just can’t.
Load of love to you, Vanessa xx
(ps… I’ve got those pics ready ~ sorry it’s taken SO long x)
Thanks for sharing your story. Whenever you mention your darling Ava, it just wrenches my heart. I am amazed at how many lives you have touched. I just think you were so lucky to take so many pictures. They are all so precious. Thanks again.
oh Sheye my heart is filled with sadness and love after reading your post today
I don’t know what to say. I waas listening to this song the other day and the lyrics remind me of you, and dear Ava.
Let Me Down Easy by Shawn Desman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F13iaEKT48A&feature=related
May God bless and keep the princess.
Sheye, as long as I have read your blog, I always feared for this post. To me, this realisation would be the hardest. However through this blog, your amazing pictures (and these are even mor amazing) and the extraorinary person you are, I hope you find a way to live through this too. Yo angel Ava is so so beautiful. Your family is beautiful. xx
The first image in this post is breathtaking. In two days we head to Australia and I thought of checking your blog. I am like you in that I put off looking for things lost in the hope that as long as I don’t look they may still be there! Sorry to ramble. My reason for commenting is simply to say you have reminded me why I photograph. In times when I look at the piles of images I have and wonder what possessed me to be so trigger happy I will remember your ‘missing’ and know that I can never take too many and I can never stop. Thanks for being so inspiring.
It’s funny, but even with our children who are here with us now, the memories of them when they were little fade away. I have often been saddened by that thought..that those years when they were little are gone now, only to be replaced by the memories of them now at 10 and 7 years old. I wish that I could hold onto all the memories of them, from when they were one until now, but I can’t. Photos often do us a disservice, in that we look back, but cannot remember exactly what it was like to be there that day, or remember what they were like. Taking the photo (to hold onto the memory) often brings on more saddness for me because of what I have already stated above. (However, I still love photos!)
Sheye, thinking of you today. Hugs from afar.
xoxo
E
I think of you and your family often. Oh Sheye, she was so loved and you guys were lucky to have each other. Best wishes.
Christine
I have goosebumps. I don’t know if it is because our beautiful daughters were born at the same time a world apart….or that they are two sides of the same coin. One blonde and girly and one dark-haired and tomboy but I feel your words down to my very heart. I’m sorry isn’t enough but it’s all I have to say to you.
I am crying, as usual, after reading your lovely post. I so agree with Lynne. I think this is a feeling that all parents can understand, because the children we know will soon be gone, utterly lost to us, replaced with new versions so different as to be unrecognizable. I know I will one day look back at the photos of my daughter now, at 3, and think, “I can’t believe that child ever existed.” But of course, I will have the pleasure of seeing what she became. That, of course, is the heartbreaking difference.
Oh Sheye, I wish I could give you whatever I could to help you today. She is so beautiful, I know you will cherish this little gift from her saying “hello mummy…here i am”
Sending lots of love…
Oh, sheye, if I could make a wish, this one would go for you.
Love
Elisabeth
Oh, Sheye…*hugs*
I’m sending lots of love and best wishes and hugs for a better tomorrow.
Oh sweetheart. It’s just all too cruel.
Thank goodness for these wonderful photos that will help you preserve your memories.
Big hugs & loves to you. x
I read this post on facebook this morning, but now seeing the pictures here again I have tears streaming. I remember standing before Ava the day we said goodbye to her & never wanting to forget the shine in her hair. Now looking at the third picture down, the way the light is on her hair it floods my mind with how perfectly perfect she is. Her hair is shining golden just the way I remember….
She is with you sweetheart, & so are all of the memories, her sweet whispers of Miss Mummy…just for you.
x
Love and hugs, Sheye.
Jane
I don’t think we mothers ever really forget. The scent of our children, the feel of their trusting fingers in ours, the smile on their baby lips, is still here, deep in our hearts, safe. On certain days, something tiny unlocks the door and it all comes flooding out. Then you know it’s been there all along, waiting for the right moment to visit you again. She will never leave you, don’t worry,
hugs
C
I stumbled across your blog a while back, I think from Ava’s picture on another blog, I’m not sure. But I must say that you’re both brilliant and amazing. I have an Ava, the same age, and can’t imagine what you’ve been through. Your talent is unreal, both artistically and poetically. A beautiful post, indeed.
Hey sheye…..that last photo of Ava is so powerful & beautiful(& so are your words) Cry….you have good reason to x
Speechless
forever in our thoughts
love tara+eliza
what a gift to have found these photos! ava is just gorgeous, shining and so content… they really capture a magical day before all things were changed forever… perhaps you found these just when you needed them – because you were ready?
your words are so moving and thought provoking… as always… ava has touched so many and you truly inspire!
roweena x
Ava is stunning; your words heart wrenching; I am moved. The words just won’t come right now. Many hugs to you and yours.
Your words cut straight to my core.
I don’t know the pain of losing a child but I’m watching my friend go through it with the recent loss of her daughter.
And to see these words gives me a glimpse of what she faces on the road ahead.
I pray for you and my friend Jessica.
May God give you strength and peace and warmth.
The photos are just stunning (as all of yours are). What a tiny blessing to have these pictures, these memories.
Oh Sheye, everytime I read one of your posts about Ava I feel a knot in my throat, and my eyes fill up with tears. My daughter is 3 1/2, and I couldn’t imagine loosing her. Even though my children are all still here, I do have days that I wish that I could freeze time, or re-visit the past…
My heart aches for you, and your family. These photos that you found are a beautiful treasure, thank you for sharing them. xoxo
i’ve never even meant you; however you are in my heart. with the warmest of hugs. xox
my thoughts are not for me nor my family but for you.
wishing you a happy day.
You may be missing the missing … but she hasn’t forgotten you all. I’m glad you found those photos Sheye. Baby steps … it was obviously time to find them.
The missing will come back later through senses, a smell, a song, a colour and it all comes washing like a wave, but it recedes again to let you breathe. Don’t worry it will find you again. *hugs*
Oh Sheye…. your words, your pain, your photos… I am always left in such a state after reading and looking through your posts. My heart feels heavy, yet I am thankful for the constant reminders of the small things in life through your beautifully written words. Sending you so much love and hoping that the pain eases yet the memories of your beautiful, beautiful Ava stay forever. xx
I found your site through Davina Fear’s blog and my life has changed so much from reading your words. I sat at my computer for 2 1/2 hours and just cried as I read your words that were so real, raw, beautiful, and heartbreaking. My family and I live in Southwest Louisiana, USA, and we pray for you and your family often. No words that I say will help your hurt, but just know that you and Ava have touched so many lives all over this world. I have become a better mother because of you, I am trying not to let the everyday hustles and bustles come before my kids, I am trying to make the most of my time with them, because I know they are a gift from God. I really wish I could meet you and just give you a hug, my heart hurts for you, and I pray that your memories stay vivid always, God Bless you and your family
abby
Hello, I am a photographer in Utah and I love your work so much. When I happened upon your site a few months ago I read the whole thing for 5 hours. I think about and pray for you often. I just wanted you to know that my baby turns 1 year old tomorrow and because of Ava’s story i am grateful everyday. If the unthinkable happened I have been blessed with one whole year with my baby now. I did not used to think this way, I was always worried about tomorrow and doing everything right. Your story has profoundly changed the kind of mother I am and I will always be indebted to you for that.
Sheye,
I just read your story on Ava, i don’t know what to write except that my heart and thoughts are with you. Ava is beautiful!
Pete
Once again I have no words,
just tears ~ tears for you, tears for Ava and tears for the missing…
thinking of you Sheye and sending much love as always XXXXX
I read your post almost in one breath, couldn’t convince myself to breathe. I have a 4 year old, and a bub on the way, and I am sitting here in tears – can’t possible fathom the grief you must feel each day, let alone finding those beautiful innocent images. My heart and prayers are with you that you will feel less grief and less abandonment with each day, each week and each year that passes since you lost your little Ava.
Beautiful pictures. Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry for all you’ve lost. I’ve said it before here, and it is never enough, but I’m not a poet with words the way you are. My heart is full of beautifully sad remembrances for you and Ava.
Beautiful pictures. Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry for all you’ve lost. I’ve said it before here, and it is never enough, but I’m not a poet with words the way you are. My heart is full of beautifully sad remembrances for you and Ava.
Ava is so breathtakingly beautiful. My heart aches for you, it feels like a rock in my chest, the tears spill over and won’t stop. I want to sit with you and just listen to you talk about her. Sending you hugs, love and peace.
Denise xoxo
Ava is so amazingly beautiful, what an incredible post, love the pictures. Sending all my love and blessing to your extremely gorgeous family xxx
I have followed your blog from the beginning and this is my first comment. My heart aches for you and I am so sorry for your loss. I am amazed by your strength, honesty, and talent. Thank you so much for sharing such inspirational thoughts. Sheye, you are an amazing person.
Sheye,
i have had the worst week. Ash has been misbehaving with lots of attitude and blaming me for everything that she loses and will not eat anything i make.
Your words make me have a complete reality check, what would i do without her? i don’t want to know….
Your comment about avoidence descibes me to a tee.
Thinking of you muchly
Shayne – wollongong
Priceless photos, I know that you will treasure for a lifetime. I know that we have never met but I think of you and your family often. I ache for you on your difficult days, but I also smile with you on those days that seem to be coming with more frequency when it doesn’t hurt so much to remember. Thank you for allowing us in and sharing with us all that you do, I hold each of my four children that much more tightly, realizing that tomorrow is not promised. May peace, love and happiness be all that you know from this day forward. *I have a Shea in my brood.*
~ andrea
Sheye….I want to say something, but words won’t come. You have a wonderful way of teaching us all so much. Maybe that is due to beautiful, amazing Ava? You make a perfect team, you and Ava, and always will. I am so deeply sorry for what you have lost, and deeply thankful for what you haven’t. Thank you, thank you for sharing what is in your heart…for sharing Ava.
My heart skips a beat when I know I am about to see a new/old picture of Ava. It’s a heart filling glimpse into her beautiful pink glow and a flood of all your magical words and how they have changed me. Thank you!
My heart goes out to you. I remember reading about Ava a couple of years ago on flickr and I was heartbroken for you and your family. I remember when I lost my little baby boy, almost 7 years ago now – and while your story and circumstances are so completely different from my own, we share similar emotions. We’ve both experienced a loss no mother should ever fathom enduring. The rawness of it all, the grief, the gaping hole that is left in your heart – it’s always there, but we find ways and look for ways to cover it up. I look back on how far I’ve come since then and I read stories like yours and I thank the universe because while we may feel so every now and then, we are never, ever alone.
Oh Sheye. Hugs and Tears. Hugs and Prayers. Ava is so Beauti-ful! So Sorry for your “Missing” But so glad you found your pictures! In years and years you will hold them and remember even more then you thought you would. Be held by our prayers for you. Shi~
[...] en toevallig oop was. Sy kon nie weer uitkom nie en is te laat ontdek. Sheye skryf oor hulle laaste stranduitstappie: I took a lot of photos that day but in the blur that followed so soon after, I could not find [...]
Beautiful….beautiful children….beautiful words. This morning I felt overwhelmed by housework, paperwork and just every day stuff. After reading your blog I am not going to worry about those things and just enjoy my children…hug them….love them…and cherish every moment. Thank you for sharing your story.
~K
moving. tear jerker. and so beautiful. hugs to you friend.
after losing my sister three years ago . I also, would go back to the start, full force, this very minute just to remember the sound of her laughter. Just to remember her more vividly. the pain that comes along with the fading memories, sometimes hurts so much more than anything else.
you give words to things that I’ve been trying to describe for years, if only to myself. Thank you
my heart breaks for your heart
I’ve followed your beautiful photos on Flickr but never wondered into your blog until today. Not only are you a talented photographer but also an eye opening writer. As I sit here looking at the beautiful pictures of Ava and read your entries, tears threaten to ensue down my face. My heart is literally breaking for Ava and for your family. She was such a beautiful, full of life child. My heart breaks for you. I’m so deeply, deeply sorry for your loss.
It’s hard to hear how quickly the memories fade so quickly.
I read somewhere about leaving little notebooks by the bedside, on the desk, around the house ect, and to write down the little memories, thoughts and feelings, no matter how little, that pop into your head at the time.
x