Hazy {Missing the Missing}
Ironically, my last post before Ava left was titled “Happy Days”.
It was Australia Day. We took the boys and Ava to the beach, to Shearwater Crescent..a tiny little strip of coast off a quiet suburban street not far from home. It was our favorite haunt. They were having so much fun, making snow angels in the sand, having running races, throwing water over each other – much to Ava’s annoyance.
We sat watching them, talking about the happy little trio they made. I also remember how many times we told them not to go too far into the water – we were worried about sharks. And how Ava didn’t dress to swim and ended up soaking wet..She traveled home in a shirt and nothing else and threw a tantrum when I wouldn’t take her half naked into the store on the way. I even remember putting her dinner on a plate when we got in. Silly little things.
I took a lot of photos that day but in the blur that followed so soon after, I could not find where I had put most of them. I’ve had three computers since. I’ve shuffled photos all around and in the back of my mind, been increasingly worried that I’d lost those priceless images.
Something about me though.. When I’m worried, I avoid. I pretend and delude and hold some hazy belief it will all be okay in the end. That approach has meant it’s taken me two years to get brave enough to really look for the rest of those pictures. And today I found them. And I caught my breath and I couldn’t look as properly as I wanted to and then, I sobbed. Not with relief because I’d told myself they weren’t lost. It was with the intensity of missing.
It wasn’t just missing Ava though..it was the missing of so much more. Looking at those photos, I didn’t feel a knowing. Not like then. I couldn’t hear her voice or remember what it was like to have her here. To just be together. To think for four. To watch the clock on kindy days, to expect her to walk into the room any moment, to know what she needs for dinner. It’s not clear any more. I can’t believe she’s not here yet I can’t believe she was here.
I feared this very thing. Two years ago I was so scared of anything fading, knowing I couldn’t stop it. It’s the price you pay – the pain recedes, ever so slowly, but so do the memories – much, much too soon. Until now, I’ve desperately yearned to see her again. To hold her. Today, I would gladly step back to the start, amidst the full force of grief, just to feel the missing without the haze of seven hundred days.
Today, I miss the missing.
81 shared sentiments
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Your words cut straight to my core.
I don’t know the pain of losing a child but I’m watching my friend go through it with the recent loss of her daughter.
And to see these words gives me a glimpse of what she faces on the road ahead.
I pray for you and my friend Jessica.
May God give you strength and peace and warmth.
The photos are just stunning (as all of yours are). What a tiny blessing to have these pictures, these memories.
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Oh Sheye, everytime I read one of your posts about Ava I feel a knot in my throat, and my eyes fill up with tears. My daughter is 3 1/2, and I couldn’t imagine loosing her. Even though my children are all still here, I do have days that I wish that I could freeze time, or re-visit the past…
My heart aches for you, and your family. These photos that you found are a beautiful treasure, thank you for sharing them. xoxo
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i’ve never even meant you; however you are in my heart. with the warmest of hugs. xox
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my thoughts are not for me nor my family but for you.
wishing you a happy day.
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You may be missing the missing … but she hasn’t forgotten you all. I’m glad you found those photos Sheye. Baby steps … it was obviously time to find them.
The missing will come back later through senses, a smell, a song, a colour and it all comes washing like a wave, but it recedes again to let you breathe. Don’t worry it will find you again. *hugs*
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Oh Sheye…. your words, your pain, your photos… I am always left in such a state after reading and looking through your posts. My heart feels heavy, yet I am thankful for the constant reminders of the small things in life through your beautifully written words. Sending you so much love and hoping that the pain eases yet the memories of your beautiful, beautiful Ava stay forever. xx
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I found your site through Davina Fear’s blog and my life has changed so much from reading your words. I sat at my computer for 2 1/2 hours and just cried as I read your words that were so real, raw, beautiful, and heartbreaking. My family and I live in Southwest Louisiana, USA, and we pray for you and your family often. No words that I say will help your hurt, but just know that you and Ava have touched so many lives all over this world. I have become a better mother because of you, I am trying not to let the everyday hustles and bustles come before my kids, I am trying to make the most of my time with them, because I know they are a gift from God. I really wish I could meet you and just give you a hug, my heart hurts for you, and I pray that your memories stay vivid always, God Bless you and your family
abby
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Hello, I am a photographer in Utah and I love your work so much. When I happened upon your site a few months ago I read the whole thing for 5 hours. I think about and pray for you often. I just wanted you to know that my baby turns 1 year old tomorrow and because of Ava’s story i am grateful everyday. If the unthinkable happened I have been blessed with one whole year with my baby now. I did not used to think this way, I was always worried about tomorrow and doing everything right. Your story has profoundly changed the kind of mother I am and I will always be indebted to you for that.
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Sheye,
I just read your story on Ava, i don’t know what to write except that my heart and thoughts are with you. Ava is beautiful!
Pete
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Once again I have no words,
just tears ~ tears for you, tears for Ava and tears for the missing…
thinking of you Sheye and sending much love as always XXXXX
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I read your post almost in one breath, couldn’t convince myself to breathe. I have a 4 year old, and a bub on the way, and I am sitting here in tears – can’t possible fathom the grief you must feel each day, let alone finding those beautiful innocent images. My heart and prayers are with you that you will feel less grief and less abandonment with each day, each week and each year that passes since you lost your little Ava.
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Beautiful pictures. Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry for all you’ve lost. I’ve said it before here, and it is never enough, but I’m not a poet with words the way you are. My heart is full of beautifully sad remembrances for you and Ava.
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Beautiful pictures. Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry for all you’ve lost. I’ve said it before here, and it is never enough, but I’m not a poet with words the way you are. My heart is full of beautifully sad remembrances for you and Ava.
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Ava is so breathtakingly beautiful. My heart aches for you, it feels like a rock in my chest, the tears spill over and won’t stop. I want to sit with you and just listen to you talk about her. Sending you hugs, love and peace.
Denise xoxo
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Ava is so amazingly beautiful, what an incredible post, love the pictures. Sending all my love and blessing to your extremely gorgeous family xxx
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I have followed your blog from the beginning and this is my first comment. My heart aches for you and I am so sorry for your loss. I am amazed by your strength, honesty, and talent. Thank you so much for sharing such inspirational thoughts. Sheye, you are an amazing person.
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Sheye,
i have had the worst week. Ash has been misbehaving with lots of attitude and blaming me for everything that she loses and will not eat anything i make.
Your words make me have a complete reality check, what would i do without her? i don’t want to know….
Your comment about avoidence descibes me to a tee.
Thinking of you muchly
Shayne – wollongong
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Priceless photos, I know that you will treasure for a lifetime. I know that we have never met but I think of you and your family often. I ache for you on your difficult days, but I also smile with you on those days that seem to be coming with more frequency when it doesn’t hurt so much to remember. Thank you for allowing us in and sharing with us all that you do, I hold each of my four children that much more tightly, realizing that tomorrow is not promised. May peace, love and happiness be all that you know from this day forward. *I have a Shea in my brood.*
~ andrea
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Sheye….I want to say something, but words won’t come. You have a wonderful way of teaching us all so much. Maybe that is due to beautiful, amazing Ava? You make a perfect team, you and Ava, and always will. I am so deeply sorry for what you have lost, and deeply thankful for what you haven’t. Thank you, thank you for sharing what is in your heart…for sharing Ava.
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My heart skips a beat when I know I am about to see a new/old picture of Ava. It’s a heart filling glimpse into her beautiful pink glow and a flood of all your magical words and how they have changed me. Thank you!
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My heart goes out to you. I remember reading about Ava a couple of years ago on flickr and I was heartbroken for you and your family. I remember when I lost my little baby boy, almost 7 years ago now – and while your story and circumstances are so completely different from my own, we share similar emotions. We’ve both experienced a loss no mother should ever fathom enduring. The rawness of it all, the grief, the gaping hole that is left in your heart – it’s always there, but we find ways and look for ways to cover it up. I look back on how far I’ve come since then and I read stories like yours and I thank the universe because while we may feel so every now and then, we are never, ever alone.
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Oh Sheye. Hugs and Tears. Hugs and Prayers. Ava is so Beauti-ful! So Sorry for your “Missing” But so glad you found your pictures! In years and years you will hold them and remember even more then you thought you would. Be held by our prayers for you. Shi~
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Beautiful….beautiful children….beautiful words. This morning I felt overwhelmed by housework, paperwork and just every day stuff. After reading your blog I am not going to worry about those things and just enjoy my children…hug them….love them…and cherish every moment. Thank you for sharing your story.
~K
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moving. tear jerker. and so beautiful. hugs to you friend.
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after losing my sister three years ago . I also, would go back to the start, full force, this very minute just to remember the sound of her laughter. Just to remember her more vividly. the pain that comes along with the fading memories, sometimes hurts so much more than anything else.
you give words to things that I’ve been trying to describe for years, if only to myself. Thank you
my heart breaks for your heart
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I’ve followed your beautiful photos on Flickr but never wondered into your blog until today. Not only are you a talented photographer but also an eye opening writer. As I sit here looking at the beautiful pictures of Ava and read your entries, tears threaten to ensue down my face. My heart is literally breaking for Ava and for your family. She was such a beautiful, full of life child. My heart breaks for you. I’m so deeply, deeply sorry for your loss.
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It’s hard to hear how quickly the memories fade so quickly.
I read somewhere about leaving little notebooks by the bedside, on the desk, around the house ect, and to write down the little memories, thoughts and feelings, no matter how little, that pop into your head at the time.
x
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I love seeing in frames, I love the beauty in the ordinary, I love my camera, I love that when I see images I hear too. I love the latelight, I love finding moments I didn’t imagine and I love creating moments I did. I love learning more every day, I love sharing what I’ve come to know, and I love making pictures pretty.
I’m so glad you stopped by. xx
Ava is stunning; your words heart wrenching; I am moved. The words just won’t come right now. Many hugs to you and yours.