Seven Hundred and Thirty Days {The House That Grief Built}.
First there came The Grief. A rather nondescript word for an unbearable state of being. For all the positivity, the gratitude, the lessons learned, I have spent many, many days completely lost in nothing but grief. I previously had no understanding of the depth of sorrow I could feel. Grief strips you bare and engulfs your every thought. It makes remembering excruciating, it erases the joy of the present, it steals the future you had come to expect. And you are quite certain it will never end. It is, quite simply, brutal.
And then it becomes all about time. One month since..a lifetime until.. Thinking backwards and forwards, in every waking moment. I was told, whilst still stumbling around blind in the New Universe, that it would be at least two years before life would seem normal again. I could not fathom it. Not two whole years. Not with the pain and fear and yearning. And beyond that? Then what? A lifetime of watered down More Of The Same? Please God, no. I found that thinking before or after the present day only filled one with terror so it was best not to. One minute at a time. And then an hour. And then, surprisingly, whole days at once.
Then, somewhere along the way, I discovered the unbearable is not forever. The missing stays. The yearning and the wishing and the wondering. They’re all there. But the unrelenting pain? No. As cruel as grief is, it’s also kind enough to allow the agony to recede. The unbearable sorrow has eased. And not simply because of time. More, I believe, because of the love and endless support of friends and family. The honoring, the remembering, the sharing of the harder days, the tributes and the love that are shown to us, and to Ava, every single day of these past two years. They have made a difference. And when the searing pain visits, it’s okay. It’s my time with Ava. Her memories play like slide shows, I hear her voice, I feel her.
I’ve learned to cherish. For all of the heartache, a little bit of appreciation counters a lot. To remember how very, very lucky we are – to have each other, to have Ava’s siblings, to have a life to look forward to. To celebrate her three years on Earth, to feel so lucky we were chosen as her parents. To hear my children creating chaos and feel so incredibly blessed..a gift I can’t describe. I no longer fret about the insignificant, I’m too busy just being thankful. Before losing Ava, cherish was in my list of favorite words. Now it’s my favorite way to live each day.
And, oh, the beauty. I could write a book about the incredible beauty and compassion of people. It astounds me, honestly. I am constantly overwhelmed by generosity, care, thoughtfulness and acts of love for our family. Today, again, I am carried by so many hands, seen and unseen. And, again, I’m struggling to convey just how grateful we are. For remembering our pain, for honoring our darling girl, for reaching out – every single one of you – thank you.
Two years. Like no other. An eternity and the blink of an eye. I took the images above ten days after her funeral. I wanted to capture the awfulness. I shot just two frames, frustrated that the haze cleared before I could take more. Now when I see them, they fit perfectly.
Thank. You.
74 shared sentiments
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sheye,
thinking of you and your darling girl today. wishing wind for her wings and peace to you.
~a
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Thank you Sheye for sharing Princess Ava with us all. I never got to meet your little princess but through your blog I feel I got to know a huge part of her. Not a single day goes by that I dont think of Ava and your family….xoxoxox
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Sheye,
You have been in my thoughts and prayers the last few days. It was at this same time last year that I found your blog, more importantly your story, and have followed along ever since. My heart aches for you this week as you muddle through. Thanks for sharing so much of you who are and being so real.
Thinking of you and sweet Ava girl today and always.
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Thinking of you and your beautiful family today as always.
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oh, sheye, you are so strong and such an inspiration. i am thinking of you and your family today, and praying. praying for peace, praying for love to fall upon you in every way today and always, praying for comfort in knowing that ava must be soaring above with her wings spread wide. your posts and the stories you share have touched my heart forever.
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Thank you for writing this, I needed to hear it. I lost my Dad to Colon Cancer on December 13, 2008 and then my precious Daughter, Elizabeth, was Stillborn on January 9, 2009. The ” comforting fog ” is starting to settle for me. I am stepping back into reality and it hurts. Your words have brought me some comfort.
Kami Milliron
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Thank you for sharing so much so that we can share it with you, and help carry you when you need it most.
Hugs (and tears) from Texas.
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Ava helped me to understand my mother’s grief… to realize it wasn’t something to “move beyond”. I was finally able to “get” the missing. I stopped trying to fix the unfixable and began to listen. To let the tears come. Now, three years on, our tears are more often mixed with laughter and memories shared. Thank you, Sheye. Thank you Ava.
xx
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Sheye, I can’t even begin to tell you how much your blog has meant to me. I am on the other side of this, having lost my Mother at a young age. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you and your dear family. I pray so often for you, that God will continute to give you the strength and peace you need. Thank you for being so vulnerable and letting us into your life and sharing your Super Princess with us. I doubt you will ever know how many people you have touched.
((HUGS)) and gobs of tears from Minnesota.
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{{hugs}} …
thinking of you and your family …
thanking you and your family for sharing …
because it helps so many people … either to see someone making it through the haze or helping them cherish with much more certainty.
her beauty and aliveness while here astounds me to this day. you are so lucky to be her mama.
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Dear Sheye,
I just can never say it right, or enough times, that you are so full of grace and beauty and have forever changed my life. Ava has changed my life. I think of you both every single day (and that is not just fluff). I do, I do.
I cannot find the right and perfect words but they are in my heart.
Grace and beauty ~ Sheye and Ava.
All my love,
Sara Moon (in Texas)
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Sending love and hugs to you and your beautiful family. I’ll be thinking about your SuperPrincess all day.
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Dear Sheye,
You have been in my thoughts alot lately.
And your sweet Ava too. I really believe she has
made the world a better place. There are so many moms out there who
have been touched by your story and are better moms because of it.
I am one of those moms. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Sending you love, hugs, and strength.
I will be thinking of your darling SuperPrincess today too>!
tara
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Sending you thoughts and hugs…You have such a beautiful way with words. Thank you for sharing your loss, your life, your love…
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Your words are like wisdom of life. It’s pure pain combined with pure love. It’s amazing. You know I wish from my bottom of my heart, you should not have to go through this. Your positive way of thinking is a source of inspiration, Sheye. Thank You for learning, even if you should not have to.
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Just sending some hugs today. Thanks for sharing Ava with us.
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Sheye,
I’ve been thinking about you a lot the last couple days as you came upon 2 years. I found your blog and started following along last year right at this time, and my life has been forever changed. I think about Ava very often. I think about you and your family. I pray for you. It makes my heart lighter to read this post today. To see your burden even just a little bit lighter, and to see your happy memories a little easier to remember.
My niece or nephew is being born into this world today, and I cannot think of more honorable day.
Blessings to you & yours,
Amber
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
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Sheye,
Thinking of you and your family. Thank you for sharing and reminding me to cherish every
single moment I have with my son. You are loved around the world! Thank you for always
sharing Ava. She is beautiful.xoxo
Erica
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dear sheye,
thinking of you & sending big hugs your way.
thank you for sharing Ava with us. She will forever be remembered.xo
Marla
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Ava can never be forgotten as long as you live. Your words are so incredible and meaningful and simply touch the core of everyone’s soul. I wish I had an outlet for what I’m feeling today besides tears, tears just don’t seem to be enough. Love to you and Crayton, Luca Mason and Ivy, lots of love.
Denise xoxo
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Your words are beautiful. Spoken so eloquently, so lovely, so heart wrenching, so perfectly. It seems strange that we can go on living after our children die, but somehow we do. I remember thinking that 2 years seemed like an eternity and that I wouldn’t make it that long, that there was no way in heaven or earth that I could live with that pain for so long, that I could live without Him for that long. Now here we are facing 3 years and truly time does heal. The past year has been the best so far. The longing, the aching is still tucked close in our hearts, but the unrelenting pain has subsided and only comes to visit once in a while. I often ache for those who are on the beginning of their journey of grief. I am so so grateful we have a few years under our belts and have learned to walk and make our way through our new universe. Ava died after James, and I thought I would be able to somehow help you, but Sheye, the way you have helped me is unmeasurable. I feel priveleged just by being acquaintanced with you. How I wish one day we could meet. That would be lovely. Thinking of you yesterday, today and tomorrow.
Much Love,
Michelle
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You’re welcome Sheye. I will continue to honor your Ava for years to come. I will always celebrate the wonderful things I knew about the little girl that I didn’t even know. You have taught us all so much and we all realize how important it is to show that honor, and never stop.
Gracie asked about her at breakfast today, I was slightly shocked as it was out of the blue. Slurping up her flakes and berries her thoughtfulness melted me. I went strait to your blog…funny. Funny how we’re all conected somehow and at the most perfect times.We send you all our love, on the tail of a BIG. BEAUTIFUL. WHALE.
;) xo
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Sheye,
Thank you so much for your kind comments on my blog. Saying you’re welcome seems so inappropriate. Ava’s post was the least I could do for you and your family. You have such amazing grace and have brought so much to my life while never having laid eyes on me. Sending much love and hugs to you and your family.Sue
xoxo
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Dear Sheye,
Thank you for putting into words what few can (hopefully, what few will personally) know or understand. The pain, the longing, the memories, the kindness, the support, the changes in us. Thank you for speaking out; thank you for sharing Ava with us. God bless you and your precious family.
http://www.karengberger.blogspot.com
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/katiegerstenberger
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Sheye – Thinking of you and your beutiful Princess….Thank you for sharing Ava’s rule, your family and above all your heart.
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Thinking of you all xxx
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Thinking of you as well. As I am not native English I can’t possibly put into words what I would like to. I wanted to leave a message though. You have such a way with words as well as with images. You move me everytime I read something you write. Sending you warmest hugs for you and your family. Thank you for sharing. Your sharing has changed me because of way that you share your story. Such a pure way. Thank you for that. Warmest, Heleen
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I have been thinking about you, your superprincess and your family a lot this week. Thank you for sharing Ava with us. You make my heart sing every time I read your blog.
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Sheye, you and your family are in our thoughts today. Ava was so beautiful, thank you for sharing her, and her story. I spoke with my 1st grade class about Ava, and her rule, and I shared her story on my blog. I’ve told you before, but I can feel her spirit in her photos, and that is such a powerful thing to me.
Wishing you peace and comfort,
Katelyn, Gavin, and Brooklyn Bird
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Sending healing vibes and hugs your way from far, far away. I am forever grateful to you for sharing your precious girlie girl with us all. What a gracious little spirit she is for showing us all such a gentle way to live a life.
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Sheye, thank you for sharing such a raw and real part of you and your life. Superprincess Ava has absolutely changed mine.
Prayers to you and yours
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Sheye, once again you’ve given words where I have been stumped. You describe things so well.
May you feel extra close to your little superprincess today. I can just picture her rejoicing in all the love that is being sent her way!
The longer I walk this road, the more I realise that Jenna isn’t as far away as I thought. Still, not close enough, I know. BIG HUGS…
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So sorry for your unimaginable loss, your family are in my prayers.
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Thank you for sharing your heart, your life and your photograph’s. I found your blog through Davina’s blog a couple of weeks ago. I have enjoyed, I don’t know if that is the right word or not, as my heart hurts to read about your loss. Maybe I am drawn to the elequant way you write and put your emotions out to share. Your photography is beautiful. May God bless you and your family.
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xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
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dearest sheye,
two years IS both a very long time as well as a blink of the eye…
and, for some reason unbeknownst to me, the time that it takes for our
deepest wounds to heal. however, the scar… it never fades; i prefer to
think of it as a gift, a reminder, that we may never forget, “what caused our
sadness, once brought us great joy”.
much love,
dani xxxxx… x
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Oh Sheye,
Of all the days to write such an enduringly sad and yet remarkable peaceful thoughts. I cried! It is my son’s 28th BD Sheye, 28 years without him and it hurts, your words so on the mark, as if today you knew my feelings. But it is the kindness of family and friends that get us through. I am so glad that you are Held! that I am Held. Shi~
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Every time I come to your blog I come away crying (today no exception), but most of all I leave with an renewed appreciation for our short time here and for every day I have with my children and my husband. Thank YOU for your sharing your deepest feelings, and teaching us such a important lesson about REALLY cherishing those most dear to us. May God bring peace to your heart at this time.
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You have such a beautiful way with words….each time I visit your blog I am totally moved by your words, your photography & your heart. Thankyou for sharing Ava with us in the beautiful way that you do. Thinking of you & your family yesterday…it doesn’t seem fair that I was celebrating my sons 16th birthday at the same time that you were grieving your loss of 2 years ago. Big Hugs…..
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Finally able to get through and comment here! =)
Seriously Sheye, thankyou for every post and word you’ve ever shared with us about Ava. I feel like I know her so well. Your words are always so beautiful, spoken straight from your heart and right into ours. Gosh, Ava was lucky to have you. All your children are. Your truely an amazing person. I so hope to meet you one day.
x’s and o’s sent to you lovely Rosemeyers.
-Amanda =)
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Thinking of you today Sheye. Caro
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Through that window I see a mummy holding her beauty full girl, and am beyond grateful for them allowing us to watch them, through the window… through the rain.
love.
jules xo
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Grief is such an awful thing. The fact that you are able to write about it gives us all in insight into how incredibly strong and loving you are. I’m sure that Ava is looking down on you from above, with her little angel wings fluttering and is sending you lots of love to get through – this week especially. Thinking of you and hoping that you have less sorrow-filled days.
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Sheye, I thought of you and your beautiful Ava all day today. You’ve written such beautiful words to describe the journey you have been through. I was so thankful to read that you are now able to enjoy a little sun amidst the rain. Your “Reasons I love Ava” list is so perfect. You have such beautiful memories of her that you carry with you daily. She lives on in the hearts of so many. lots of love.
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There must be a high amount of traffic to your blog today, but I fully understand why. I’ll leave a candle burning for you, your family and for that princess of yours. And what a super princess she is!!
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Thinking of you and your family so much and sending so many prayers to you and to Ava.
God Bless.
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Oh Sheye, your words are so moving!! Sheye you are truly an inspiration.. not just in your words, or your photography but in the strength that you have, the willingness to help others, your selfless acts of kindness & the love that you have for your family!! I took Tayla & Samuel down to Shearwater yesterday to release balloons for Ava.. I watched the balloons until I could no longer see them.. I turned back to see what they were doing… they were gathering shells.. they used the shells to write Ava’s name.. Ava has touched my life in a way I never thought possible.. thank you again for sharing Ava with us.. I will be forever grateful xx
love,
Tanya xxxxxx
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Sheye, your words and photos continue to inspire and Ava’s memory and legacy remains… even now, two years later. Your superprincess is remembered and your family remains forever in my prayers.
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you are a sweet, sweet woman. thank you for sharing this with us. a huge piece of my heart is with you as I type this. i can not imagine what the last two years have been like for you…your family. i pray that you are able to think happy thoughts about princess Ava that bring you true, lasting joy. i pray the time comes soon when happiness far outweighs the heartache. she is special and she is yours…what a blessing. God is caring for her while you finsih up here on Earth…she is in the best hands possible until then.
all my love and big hugs…
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I love seeing in frames, I love the beauty in the ordinary, I love my camera, I love that when I see images I hear too. I love the latelight, I love finding moments I didn’t imagine and I love creating moments I did. I love learning more every day, I love sharing what I’ve come to know, and I love making pictures pretty.
I’m so glad you stopped by. xx
Thoughts are with you xoxox