Inside Out
You might remember me sharing Crayton’s belief that the harder days are harder simply because Ava is near. That, as she flies closer, everything increases – the missing, the wishing, the emptiness. The memories are clearer and the yearning is greater. I’m not sure either way about his theory but I do struggle to explain why some days I float, and some days I don’t. Today, for no definable reason, the yearning and the missing cloud the normalcy of a regular Saturday that, in dot point, would have looked something like this:
- Wake early
- Kids breakfast
- Tidy bedrooms
- Take Luca to party
- Collect Luca from party
- McDonalds drive thru
- Dinner
- Bed
But, from the inside, filtered through hazey grief, it looked like this:
I’ve not even opened my eyes but I can feel the clouds and I’m already missing and when I get my robe I see her photo looking down at me, the one of her playing dolls at kindy and it reminds me how she will never know motherhood
and
I disbelieve, still, while I go downstairs and start the breakfast and wonder how the making of three serves of toast can leave me feeling so empty
and
a little while later as I walk down the hall I catch a glimpse of her dresses and for the first time, just for a fleeting moment, I wish they weren’t there and I don’t even know why
and
it stays on my mind while I take Luca to choose Lego for the party and after he’s gone from the car and I’m left alone with my thoughts I still can’t think of anything except the hollow and the sorrow
and
then when I go to pick Luca up I take Ivy in fancy dress and she makes a lovely fairy but I can only think about the lovely princess who isn’t on my other hip
and
who, a little while later, isn’t ordering her own Mcfries and apple juice and all I want to do is tell the cashier that today,
just like yesterday and tomorrow,
I am missing Ava.
I’m speechless Sheye ~ tears are running but I just don’t know what to say.
I have always loved that photo with the blue beanie ~ the colour just looks amazing on her. Just breathtaking.
Love to you ~ today and every single other.
x
These days are just harder and sadder and they still don’t make any sense. I dreamt in the early hours of this morning that Isabelle was running towards me and I knew she had been gone but in my dream I thought we had just lost her. She starting running past me and I called her name and she looked at me and then her faced filled with excitement and she jumped into my arms and burried her head in my shoulder. I don’t need to tell you what that dream has done to me. Nor do I need to tell you that no other can feel the same way or fill that same space, as she did.
It just isn’t right, this universe just isn’t right.
I send you my loves.
Dxxxx
oh sheye. how sorry i truly am. your sweet little girl. the hollow and the sorrow – such powerful words. i just can’t imagine your pain. i am thinking of you today. i am thinking of ava – in her blue hat with her sparkly eyes. i don’t know how you don’t scream from the rooftops that you are missing your babe. you write so beautifully. annie looked at ava’s picture and said “she looks so happy” – in the stars, in the air, in the clouds, where the sun shines, in the shadows….ava is happy. i send you an incredibly big hug. xo m.
I’m always thinking of you Sheye hoping you’re ok. I was in the cabinet a moment ago and the stickers I used for Ava’s Christmas package fell out on the ground. She must have known you needed your friends today as then I went to check your blog. When I read you’re having a non-floating day I wish I could give you a big hug and somehow carry some of your pain. Ava looks so gorgeous in the photos. Sending all my love and many prayers to you. You’re always wishing Ava was back with you and I’m always wishing there was something I could do.
Much love from NJ,
Sue
xoxo
Oh you poor darling, I feel your sadness and wish I could help.
I hope tomorrow is easier than today.
Sending big hugs your way. x
Ava’s photos are simply gorgeous, I had never seen the first one before… makes my heart hurt. Along the lines of Craytons thoughts – I truly think today, Ava is just letting you know she’s thinking of you too.
My prayers that you’ll be floating again soon.
With Love,
Hollie
I just wanted to say how beautiful your words are…thankyou for sharing them with us, and Ava who I’m sure knows how much you miss her. I hope you can take comfort from the fact that she won’t have the heartbreak of nmissing you all because she will be close to you…in everything that you do. You still have four babies just one of them has magical powers :) Until the day that you can see her and feel her once again I wish you all the strength in the universe x
Sheye, I feel an immense ache just reading your words. I’m so, so sorry. I love Crayton’s theory… I believe it to be true.
Much love today and always.
Jules xo
((HUGS))
What BEAUTIFUL images! Simply stunning. I am so sorry to hear that today has been such a challenge. You are in my thoughts as our day just begins here in the states
Crayton’s belief made me think this morning about how “these” things work. I actually believe that the opposite is true. I think that when one is having a “floating” day a missing loved one is nearer to you. I’m absolutely sure that Ava would take away your pain if she could, and so I believe she does that for you and watches with a smile as you float!
I religiously read your blog, but rarely (if ever comment). Your gift for expressing your heart’s truest aches and yearnings makes me feel like you’re sitting in the room with me, sharing a cup of tea and pouring your heart out.
My chest aches for you, my eyes fill with tears when I read posts like this. I can’t fathom the pain-filled yearning.
Just wanted to say that I think of you today, and reach my hand though cyber-space and squeeze yours.
Hoping tomorrow will be little less painful than today,
~tammi
beautiful picture. your worsd are very sendimental and inspirational at the same time. I have to agree with your choice of background music, it makes me think of little Ava whenever I listen to it. the sweetness beyond the melody.
Sheye, if Clayton’s theory behind the fact that days are harder because Ava is nearer at those times is true, then maybe you can look from a different point of view. If Ava is reaching out to your family, then you need to be in your best state. she would want you to be happy, as she always have been a happy little soul. Show her aronud the house, and introduce her to her Ava tree. I hope that’ll make you happier :)
I am so, so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful little girl she was. :)
Today I am sad with you! My heart truly breaks for you. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful pictures of dear AVA!!!
And she’s missing you, but in a happy and peaceful way. That’s why she comes near. Try and remember that. She doesn’t want you to be sad.
Love you Sheye.
Yes. Yes, why are there days less floating? Praying for a day more floating tomorrow. HUGS
It’s been awhile since I’ve sobbed myself silly about Ava, about you missing Ava. It started last night when I was reading your tribute on her memorial page. I can’t stop thinking about how this is what your life is like from this moment on until you’re gone…the missing, the sadness, the yearning for her to be with you. It makes me so sad. I cannot imagine YOUR pain if I feel like I do. Michelle’s right you know, Ava doesn’t want you to be sad but how can you not be. All I ever wish for now is that you will find peace and your and Crayton’s heartache will ease a bit each day. Sending you hugs and love, Denise.
This has left me speechless. My heart is breaking for you and for your family all. over. again.
Take care of yourself and here’s a *hug*. I know it will never be enough, but I hope it brings a little comfort.
sheye,
i truly wish i could take your pain away and carry it for you for a day, a week, a year. i am so sorry. who wouldn’t miss that sweet face. i can’t even imagine if my ava were taken from me. can’t comprehend it. and it’s not fair that your sweet ava is gone from you. she should be there. life is not fair, life plain sucks sometimes. those photos of ava are stunning! i hadn’t seen those before. i bet each time you open one that you hadn’t seen in awhile, it must just stop your heart and make you breathless. she’s a true beauty sheye. and she will forever go on in my heart (and so many others). thank you for sharing her. hugs from chicago.
tara
it’s ok to have days like this, s.
for they are a reflection of just how much
you have loved… and lost.
l,
d xxxxx… x
that’s what we are all “here” for. those todays, yesterdays AND tomorrows.
i just wish we could make it hurt less for you.
(and what good would telling a measly little cashier do … when you can spread it out to the internets? i’m sure we’re so much more understanding.)
hugs to you from afar.
(((Sheye))) I want to just hug you and take it all away. IT”S JUST NOT FAIR!. My theory exsists with Dad’s. I always believe my missing, yearning is greater on the days James is near. My belief is that our spirits can sense them. Our spirits know of their presence if only eyes could behold what our spirits see. It’s like they are so close we can feel them, but yet you can’t hold them or see them. Love you. Beautiful pictures.
Love,
Michelle
Thinking of you always
Oh sweetheart. I am SO sorry. It frustrates me when I want to say something that might make you feel a little bit better and I know there is nothing. Nothing healing to say. It just sucks. I wish I could give you a hug at least.
Sheye,
I am so incredibly sorry. I will be praying for you today. There is nothing that I can think of to say that will do justice. Or make you feel better. So I will just be here. I also wish that I could give you a great big hug.
Thinking of you & praying for you,
Amber
XOXOXOXO
thinking of you. xoxo
Oh how I wish I could take some of the missing from you. To lighten your load just a little bit. Sending love to you and yours.
I’m so sorry Sheye. I can’t imagine the pain and missing that you go through on most days. I can only send you my love and hope that things get better.
xoxoxo
I am aching for you, Sheye. I know that does nothing to make anything any better. I do think and wish. wish. wish.
Love,
Jane
xoxoxo
no words, just tears
no wisdom, just love
paint your toenails in sparkling pink, and jump as high as you can…. Ava will help you float.
even if it is just for one moment xxx
i also have no words, just tears.. but i wanted you to know, needed you to know that i am thinking of you from a far.
Oh Sheye, I’m sorry you had such a sad day. I hope that today is a better day for you… xoxo
oh Sheye… my heart is breaking for you. I hope your heart felt a little lighter today.
Sheye, everytime I see your beautiful images of your baby girl and read your words, I find myself sobbing. My heart breaks for you. I have a 2-year old daughter and everytime I see your baby girl, I can see mine. Thank you for sharing your story, your feelings, your story. blessings…
Oh Sheye,
Your words break me heart. Those photos of her are just too precious. My Ashleigh has that pink skirt;-)
Love to you, love to crayton, love to the boys
Shayne
Sheye, you’re in my heart and I wish I could say something to make your day better. Ava photos always take my breathe away, and give me a small understanding of your sadness. My wish is that you could have your wish. I really wish you could.