There are little secrets I know about people I’ve never met, or even spoken to.  Not just any people, the ones that have lost children.  For instance, I know they, like me, remember so many tiny little details about the day their children left.  Silly little things that are of no real significance yet become oh-so significant, for so long.

I could share hundreds of tiny little things relating to Februrary the 3rd, 2007.  For everyone else, the people who didn’t lose children that day, I’m certain there would be very little recollection of the date. Slipping by just like most dates, thankfully,  should.

Today, I’m recollecting sun-screen.  I’ve had to do this many, many days in the past 2 years – apply sun-screen to squirming, complaining children, explaining why it needs to be..the whole time remembering that morning.

Sun shining.  (Always, always, my thoughts start with sun shining.  And,  should the sun not have shined that day,  it would likely have been different.  It would have slipped by, that normal, sunny day)..  Boys wanting to swim.  Applying sunblock with a trigger pack, them laughing while I made a game of squirting them with it,  not realizing the mess it was making on the floor until after they’d run off.  Moments later.   All so different.  This memory plays like a movie reel in my head on so many mornings, making the application of sunscreen harder than it should be in everyday life.

Then today, for reasons that again elude, it came to me.  As Ivy wriggled away from my sticky hands, I realized that those moments, those last moments of simple laughter with my kids two long years ago were such a gift.  So precious.    The ending of our untouched life before the arrival of our altered one.  Happy, innocent, trusting, expectant.  Why the movie reel has a different soundtrack today, I do not know.   It just feels so freeing, to have a different perspective today, to feel grateful for something that previously held nothing but sadness.

It’s reminded me to see the everyday things as anything but..to cherish the ordinary, to grasp the moments that should otherwise slip by and be so very, very glad of them.

Sun shining.

S x

Oh, I’m SO excited!!!

Eye Candy Actions are go!

I’ve put so much of myself into these actions – all the ingredients I reach for when doing my own processing..the candy tones, the vintage tints, the golden hues..along with some practical things too.  They’re designed to run quickly, tweak easily and give lots of flexibility to allow your own creativity to shine through.

I could have made this action pack enormous, I really enjoy making them,  but for now it’s 50 of my most favorite, all rolled into “The BeautyFull Set“.

Thank you enormously to my beautiful friends, Jen, Fran, Krysta and Kate for their support along the way…to all those who’ve encouraged the creation of these actions and thank you to my darling Ava who inspires beauty in everything I do.

Love and little butterflies.

Sheye xx

It seems the sweet morning sounds of “Mummy, it’s Sunny” have gone by the wayside and now I just get “Sheye”.  Which becomes “Sheeyyyyye” quite quickly.  She could get out of bed and simply come to me but no – she’ll just bellow until I dutifully appear.   Except in the middle of last night when she realized I was not appearing as expected after the tenth time and decided to find her way to me…

I:  “Sheye.  Can you get me some crackers?“  (pause and then, in note to self fashion:)   “I think I will call you Sheye forever.”

M:  “Why?”

I:  (Sighing.)  “Oh, just because I so love you much“.

M:  “Yes, I so love you much too Ivy.  Now, get to sleep.”

I:  “But I can’t.  I was talking to Spongebob and he was very funny“.

It’s perplexing when they manage to come up with something that’s hard to argue with.  I’m sure if Spongebob visited me I’d also find sleeping difficult.  In the end her Dad tried his last resort method of bribing with shopping which worked a charm.  I get that too.

Other randoms for today:

I’m so excited to be putting the last touches on my actions website!   Eye Candy Actions, in fact fifty of them,  are very close to launching!

Workshops for 09 are not far behind so thanks to everyone who’s expressed interest – registrations will open quite soon.  If you’re on the waitlist, you’ll receive email to advise and of course I’ll post details here.

I have to mention, sadly, that an overseas parcel was rejected by customs this week – the only clue was the word “pinecone”.  No sender, no origin, no nothing.  I’m so sorry to whoever has posted this out – it seems that cranky customs are not sharing the love :(

If I owe anyone Flickrmail, I’m sorry for the neglect – I need to play catchup.  I am however, pretty good at wasting time at Facebook.  Feel free to add me.

As always, thank-you for giving me somewhere to share the difficult days and for the sweet notes left here and via email, they mean so much.

S x

You might remember me sharing Crayton’s belief that the harder days are harder simply because Ava is near.  That, as she flies closer,  everything increases – the missing, the wishing, the emptiness.  The memories are clearer and the yearning is greater.   I’m not sure either way about his theory but I do struggle to explain why some days I float, and some days I don’t.   Today,  for no definable reason, the yearning and the missing cloud the normalcy of a regular Saturday that, in dot point, would have looked something like this:

• Wake early
• Kids breakfast
• Tidy bedrooms
• Take Luca to party
• Collect Luca from party
• McDonalds drive thru
• Dinner
• Bed

But, from the inside, filtered through hazey grief, it looked like this:

I’ve not even opened my eyes but I can feel the clouds and I’m already missing and when I get my robe I see her photo looking down at me, the one of her playing dolls at kindy and it reminds me how she will never know motherhood

and

I disbelieve, still, while I go downstairs and start the breakfast and wonder how the making of three serves of toast can leave me feeling so empty

and

a little while later as I walk down the hall I catch a glimpse of her dresses and for the first time, just for a fleeting moment, I wish they weren’t there and I don’t even know why

and

it stays on my mind while I take Luca to choose Lego for the party and after he’s gone from the car and I’m left alone with my thoughts I still can’t think of anything except the hollow and the sorrow

and

then when I go to pick Luca up I take Ivy in fancy dress and she makes a lovely fairy but I can only think about the lovely princess who isn’t on my other hip

and

who, a little while later, isn’t ordering her own Mcfries and apple juice and all I want to do is tell the cashier that today,

just like yesterday and tomorrow,

I am missing Ava.

So I know it was supposed to be a Christmas inspired exercise right? An ornament for our Xmas tree in honor of Ava?  I seem to recall something like that…but, truth be told, our Xmas tree quickly became our “Ava tree” and it still stands proudly in the lounge room with no signs of going anywhere.

I’ll also admit, I was not remotely prepared for the response we got when asking for help with this project.  I was, and still am, overwhelmed by the hundreds of items that arrived.   My fear is by sharing some of those beautiful objects and not all, there could be someone out there feeling left out or unappreciated.  Please accept my genuine apology if I haven’t included an image of your ornament or gift here – there really were so, so many that it would take me forever to share them all.   I want to do these posts to hopefully show just what this means to us -  I will always be truly grateful for the effort so many people went to – the amazing hand made trinkets, the beautiful shop creations people found, the personalized decorations from buntings to dolls, whales and canvases..the heartfelt words, the music boxes, yummy candy and the toys for Ava’s siblings.  And so much more.

After Xmas, some ornaments moved to a spot in the window, hanging from feather and felt garlands, where they remain today.  It was hard to photograph them well as they’re up quite high but hopefully you get the idea.

Endless thanks, again, from all of us.

S xx