So, I’m back.  The trip to Gwinganna last week was every bit as restorative as I’d hoped..lots of spa treatments, physical activity (well, of the yoga type), good food and interesting seminars. Early morning swims, tai chi on the side of a mountain, meditation to music in an old church. Blissss. I especially loved learning to breathe again. Literally, eyes closed, inhale, fill ones tummy with air. Exhale. Just like a baby, they said. Really very simple and really very effective – I actually had forgotten how to breathe.

More than all of this though.. I attended a “body play” class.  What sounds quite daunting (I actually initially refused to go) turned out to be something quite amazing.   We were asked to close our eyes and let someone else (with open eyes) lead us around the room, only joined by our fingertips with no real grasp. The other person could go as fast or slow as they liked, they could literally do anything and all I had to do was follow. I was quite nervous before we began – I was sure I’d get dizzy, fall over and generally look rather ungraceful.  But really, this is what happened:

For two whole minutes, I ran around, at full speed, forwards and backwards, in circles, up high and down low…, trusting, laughing and shrieking the whole time. I didn’t fall over. I didn’t get dizzy. I didn’t open my eyes, not once. I wasn’t afraid.

I. Had. So. Much. Fun.

And when I opened my eyes at the end, still laughing and catching my breath, it dawned on me. I’d just felt happiness, without sadness. Pure joy. There was no time to stop and feel the missing. For so long my joyful moments have been tinged with sorrow.. Always, always wishing Ava could share the moment but right then, with my head filled with a mix of excitement and anticipation and trying to keep upright, my heart wasn’t hurting.    What a gift.  And if I never, ever feel pure joy again in this lifetime, I am so grateful for that brief moment when it came back to visit.  That alone made the whole retreat worthwhile.

This past weekend we also celebrated Mason’s eighth birthday  with a sensational breakfast party (I’m the new Nigella, remember), a visit to Carousels for their ever amazing cupcake sundaes and an afternoon at Game On which the boys thought was like seven Christmases rolled into one.   We had a great day with our great boy.

(Own actions, 5D Mk2, 24-70 2.8)

Love, Sheye xx

Week 329 of school vacation with my adorable, spoilt, bored, demanding,  wonderful offspring.  The holidays have gone quickly but a little like a fast labor, not necessarily less exhausting or noisy.   Don’t get me wrong, I love that we don’t have to do the school routine thing, no homework, no uniforms, no hours in the car…We’ve had some really nice time together amongst the chaos and noise..roller skating, bowling and beach visits..  Even our low key day today was fun, hanging out as a family watching American Idol auditions and needing to be nowhere.  Some parts I’ve thoroughly enjoyed.    But the endless washing, the non-stop bickering and pest fest.. along with the ordering of 23 snacks a day?  Not so much.   I’m fantasizing about dropping them at the school gate 72 hours early.

I’ve little right to complain though – I get to go away on Sunday for five nights..I’m “wellness retreating” as earlier mentioned.  Apparently I will come back transformed into a meditating vision of organic wonder and fitness.  This should be interesting.

The highlight of my week?  That Ivy has found new and creative ways to say “I love you”, such as:

I love your hair. (I get this one a lot).

I love your cheek. (??)

I think I will love you for ever.

You love me.

Here’s me, Miss Lovely Cheeks, and the girl I do in fact love,  with giddy abandon.

S x

In 1999, moving into a new apartment,  we also bought a new lounge.  It was my first purchase of a large furniture item with my husband – we’d previously combined our own goods and chattels into one abode.   It was very exciting, and daunting, and it took me a long time to decide but eventually I settled on the Newport 3 seater in Taupe with Peppercorn cushions and teak legs.    

The reason I’m writing about this rather banal topic is that today,  ten years on,  we threw our lounge away. This is not the first time we have waved good bye to the brown couch.  In February last year, we donated it to the Salvation Army.  Two men came in a truck and indeed, left with it.  As they loaded our lounge into that van, I felt my heart start to hurt and my eyes began to sting and by the time they were heading down our driveway, I began to sob.  I realized I’d made a terrible mistake and not half an hour later,  I rang those poor people and asked for our tired, stained, wonderful lounge back.  

It’s not that we needed it – quite the contrary.  We have two other much nicer lounges since bought and this one simply takes up room we don’t have.   But you see,  it was the memories.   I thought of all the conversations..the thousands of nights I sat discussing life and love and fears and dreams with my husband..the contemplating of more children, the stresses of work, the plans for renovations and travel.   The wine and gossip with friends, the Christmases with family, the many hours spent heavily pregnant and unable to sleep…all right there on the brown couch.

The visions of our children, from babies to boys and girls..the giggling and bickering and spilling of cereal.  The early morning cuddles and the late nights with a sick toddler right alongside.   The watching them unwrap birthday presents and rummage through Eater eggs from those very seats.

I thought of the breastfeeding.  It sounds odd I guess but this stood out to me more than almost everything else.  I’ve spent over three years of my life breastfeeding and much of that was right in that lounge.  With Dr Phil by day and Cheaters re-runs by night, I’d settle in for the long haul.  

Hardest of all..   The hours before we lost Ava, I sat with her on that lounge, we read toy catalogues, we laughed, we watched tv. Much of my last day with her was spent right there.  And when her Dad carried her through the house not two hours later, willing her to open her eyes, to breathe, to be okay – he laid her there.    The significance of that lounge being the very last place Ava rested her head in our home was more than I could ignore.  

So, for all of those reasons and so  many more, I got our lounge back.  We were all so happy to see it’s grubby self re-installed in our home.   And the kids continued to spill their cereal and laugh and bicker on it but almost a year on, today was the day I could let it go.   It really has gone well beyond the call of duty and it’s time for something much more child friendly and less shabby.    

All five of us pushed it outside, the kids protested and pleaded for it to stay which resulted in a last minute family meeting right there on the brown couch, beside the rubbish skip with the sun going down.  Our compromise was to let the boys keep a cushion each to be recovered and with heavy hearts, we all agreed the time was right.  I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still toying with the idea of pulling it back inside but I know it’s just another baby step that’s a little more like a stumble and soon the sadness will pass.

Farewell, brown couch. We loved you well.

Love, Sheye x

(*Note – Mason is actually clothed. Not a lot of clothing, but it’s there somewhere).

1.  To shop less.  Eeeeeeeeeeeeek.  I know, I know.  But the cupboards are literally overflowing and Mum has mentioned therapy more than once.  It seems I don’t need 27 lip glosses, Ivy can only wear 6 pink dresses before they all start to look the same and all those photo frames actually do need photos and to be hung on a wall.   Every time I mention this resolution to the family, eye rolling and doubting smirks seem to follow but this time I really mean it.  (Repeat: I have absolutely everything I need, I have absolutely everything I need)..

2.  To create routine, to find discipline, to keep focused.   You know I’m an organized chaos kind of girl – the plan is there is no plan.  It was not always this way, I’ve just realized I’ve been trying very hard to fit seven lives of stuff into one and it’s not panning out so well some days.  Sooo, 09 will see a renewed attempt at keeping less things in more order.

3.  Bake.  I’m going to channel Nigella (gorgeous British chef with cute accent that my husband seems to watch intently) and turn out something at least once a week.  All whilst wearing a pretty frock and vintage apron, of course.  I don’t actually cook the dinner in our house so this is a big call but I’m going to at least pretend it’s a possibility.

4.  Complete Ava’s memorial book.  This is a big project.  There is so much I want to add.  It includes everything from her memorial site (please go over and light a candle or write a tribute if you would like it included), all of the blog and web pages I’ve found and many of beautiful emails I’ve been sent.  Images of pink balloons and ornaments and sunsets, poems and dreams and so much more.   To have it all in print will be amazing so this is one of my big projects for the start of the year.

5.  Explore creativity.  I don’t mean photography exactly, in any form will do but drawing is something I would love to try.. inspired by  Mandy and Sarah Jane.

6. To eat more organic.  I need to improve a little on my Baskin based vegetarian diet and want the whole family to start eating less processed, packaged food.. I have visions of making the Farmers Markets a regular stop.   I can almost imagine growing vegetables or something.  Almost.   Come mid January I’m off to a “wellness retreat” (ooh, maybe that sounds a little too like an institution for the unstable..) where I am going to come back restored if it kills me.

7.  One on one time with the kids.  I used to walk with Luca every morning when we first moved here.  We’d go rock collecting and before long the rocks became mini boulders.  We’d then try to come up with different ways to get them home and I’d try to ignore the pile at my back door… I miss this time which wasn’t really about the rocks – it was just the being together with no traffic and gentle sunlight and quiet conversations.   Mason and Ivy just love to shop with me so I’ll have to come up with something new for us to do, because I’m going to stick to Resolution One, aren’t I?

8.   Go steady with my husband.  As in date.  You know how it goes..the kids take over and soon life becomes all about who’s turn it is to take the toddler to the bathroom.  A once a month date shouldn’t be too hard to incorporate, should it?

9.  Blog more.  Not for any other reason except I don’t scrap..This is the only journal our family has.

10.  Do less.  Much less.  As mentioned in Resolution 2, this past year has been extremely busy and it was impossible to keep balance at times.  Juggling a business with young children is frequently challenging,  as many of you know, and I really need some time out for all of us.   I am not shooting clients at all for the first half of ‘09 and don’t plan to run workshops again for a few months yet.   2008 was a year I did so much of what I love doing and now I need to spend a little time doing other important things.  I can’t wait :)

Happy, happy New Year to all of you.  Here’s a year of Ivish to avoid having a naked post..

Love, Sheye

(Ditty: “Dance With Me” Nouvelle Vague)