A Day Less Floating.
I never expect to write about Ava. I can’t do it on the “floating” days. But this day is not floating..my heart is heavy and my thoughts shift continually towards my other darling girl.
It can be the smallest of things that have the biggest impact. This time yesterday, I was web-browsing for inspiration for the kids rooms at Apartment Therapy..flicking through images when suddenly I saw a picture that included Ava With Wings (the Belle and Boo illustrations with Ava jumping on her bed)..It was so unexpected and surprising that it threw me off balance for the rest of the day. I just sat staring at that photo for the longest time..wondering, again, how?
And the day turned into the night and we went to Cirque de Soleil and the jugglers juggled and the acrobats flew but all I could think about was my sweet girl. Like when you drive somewhere and can’t remember parts of the journey, I would find myself floating back to the Grande Chapiteau unable to remember the previous minutes. I’d been with Ava. What I would give – there is nothing I wouldn’t – to be able to take her to the circus.
I went looking for a photo to include here and found one I hadn’t seen in a long time. And like the image yesterday, it’s made me catch my breath and stare in disbelief. Even now, almost 2 years on..it’s not one bit easier to understand how that day happened. That she isn’t here and she isn’t coming back. That this is how our lives have played out and that hers was so short. None of it makes sense and most days, I simply accept that it is nonsensical and do my best to get on with this altered life that still has a lot to be thankful for.
Today though, Ava, and the missing of her, is all around and I’m not getting on with a whole lot of anything. I plan to spend the afternoon with Oprah and endless cups of tea. I might even paint my nails. The Superprincess would approve.
Love, Sheye xx
67 shared sentiments
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What a gorgeous picture of your sweet Ava. Sigh….
I know. As Christmas approaches (our first without Jenna) I find my heart getting heavier too.
As for your Christmas ornament: I am too stinkin’ fussy for my own good. I wanted to get you something perfect. (Since you have such great taste and all :-) ) Problem is, I haven’t had time to shop much – the places I’ve been to didn’t have anything I liked enough. I still want to send you something – but it might arrive in time for next year’s tree! Email me with your address at sumi@nwe-usa.com
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Oh how my heart is breaking for you tonight. As you know, there are no “perfect” words I can say, so I’ll simply say that I am thinking of you and sending love across the miles.
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You describe a feeling very clearly that I know well, myself. Ava was absolutely, gloriously gorgeous. I am so sorry for your loss, and the pain that is always nearby, and I want to say, You are not alone. May God bless and comfort your aching heart.
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In the town there is a street.
In the street there is a house.
In the house there is a room.
In the rooms sits a woman.
Her heart is in pieces.
She has lost something.
Greater than treasure.
Because if you lose treasure.
There’s still a chance.
You may find it.Vxx
I just knew Sheye, I knew:(
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You know….you have no idea who I am….yet I think about you so often…..your blog has changed me, I found it when I was a work one day and I think I cried all afternoon (just like I am right now) Sometimes I have troule understanding why these kinds of things happen yet I know the kind answers are waiting for us. You have been blessed with something so wonderful and the memories you hold in your heart will be yours until the very last day of your life, cherish those memories until you see your darling Ava again. Take care Sheye…and the rest of your beautiful family too.
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I could sit and stare at her beauty all day !!
Thinking of you
Kristen
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s…
i don’t understand, either.
much love,
d
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Dearest Sheye,
My heart is so heavy for you tonight as I think of the preciousness that you are missing. I’m so sorry for the hole left in your heart and am thankful to hear that through all of this you do have some “floating” days to get you through. I have also been late on preparing my Ava goodie for you, but would love to send it when I am finished. Thinking of you and sending warm hugs with wings your way from California.
xoxo
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She is so wise in this photo. Every photo of Ava takes my breath away…
Wishing, wishing, wishing…
love.
jbxo
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HUGS from across the ocean…oh how I wish I could pop over with a cup of tea!
and too my ornament will be late. My hands have yet to create something beautiful enough to remember your precious angel.
your TX blog stalker-Dawn
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Just lots of love and understanding. One breath at a time Sheye.
xxx
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Oh Sheye….
Floating.
I cannot even begin to put into words.
Maybe there are none.Simply love and huge huge hugs.For Ava. For you. For your entire family….
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Ava’s post is always touching.
The missing and the sorrow…gives me tears every time you post it.
Every mother in here can just imagine. Even the imagination is too hard..All the best, Sheye..
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Everytime you even mention Ava, my heart cries for you yet I know the pain I feel is nowhere close to the pain you live with every day. Sending you hugs all the way from the other side of the World.
P.S: As always, Ava’s picture is absolutely stunning.
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My heart always breaks for you when you write about Ava. What a beautiful angel she is. Thank you for sharing her with us.
Hugs -caroline
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I am crying as I write this. I have never experiencedthe pain that you have obviouslybeen through. It isn’t fair and I you have to keep living and laughing with your children. I have never met you and probably never will but you sound like an amazing person and mummy. And you have the most beautiful perfect super princess angel to watch over you.
Much love
sarah
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She is so, so achingly beautiful.
Even without ever meeting her, I too feel it incomprehensible that she is no longer here.
I truly wish I could take away some of your pain.
Rebecca
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Hi Sheye, I wanted to send you lots of love and hugs from Paris. I’m a Sydney girl and have been so moved by what you are going through and how you are remembering your gorgeous Ava. I’m too late to send you an ornament but I am going to take a ‘pink’ candle and light it in Notre Dame this weekend for Ava and your family. You are an amazing soul … and Ava is beyond beautiful … xx
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I pray God will bless you with all you need on this journey through this altered life.
Your family is in my thoughts and prayers at Christmastime and always.
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oh sheye – my heart aches for you and your family. i just can’t imagine, not even for one minute how you are feeling. how you manage to put one foot in front of the other day after day. all i can say is how sorry i truly am. how beautiful your ava is and always will be. how her angel wings came far too soon. i promise you she will never be forgotten – she is a bright star in the sky shining down on all of us. cuddle up with your cups of tea and know you are thought of tremendously and if there is ever anything i can do you have a friend in me all the way in new england! xo m.
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Sending you my love, hugs and prayers from the other side of the ocean Sheye. You and Ava are always on my mind and in my heart.
Much love from NJ,
Suz
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Oh Sheye, I wish I was there to give you a big hug and take you out for coffee, and shopping. Because they help, sort of. But you know what I mean. I love this picture of Ava, and don’t think I had seen it before. I might have missed it, though, through all the tears I have cried with you on your blog.
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Oh, Sheye, I HATE those days.
I’m SO sorry. I’m wrapping you in hugs and love.
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I keep re-typing hoping I can say something to make you feel better….but nothing seems make my own heart hurt less when I think of Ava, so I’m not sure how to make yours feel better either :( Just know that I’m sending a great big hug and many prayers.
Love to Ava and to You.
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Dear girl, I wish I could reach across the miles and hug you and pat your hair. No one should have to endure what you and your family are going through. Looking at this picture, I can’t help but think what a very lucky little girlie Miss A was to have born into such love. You can see the light just beaming from inside her in this pic. Being a member of your family made each day of her life so happy; just look at that smile on her face. It’s all your doing.
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How I wish, wish, wish for you that life wasn’t altered. I’m so sorry. Sending hugs, love and prayers from the States. Take care.
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i’m sure she was there with you … a superprincess wouldn’t miss a circus.
and today … painting your nails … she wouldn’t miss that either.
and one of these days when i finally finish your ornament and send it … (i’ve been way too picky about where to place each pink bead …) … i hope she’ll be there to see it too.
did you catch that hug i just sent … quick … reach up … here’s another one.
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Dear Sheye,
Ava is on my mind aLOT so I can’t even imagine how much she is on your mind and how much you must miss her sweet face. I am sorry for your pain, and if i could take some of it or all of it from you, i would. cause i just can’t imagine that you should have to carry it all alone.
i cannot get over how much the image of miss ivy below with her cake looks like ava though, it’s uncanny, the resemblance between them, yet there is something completely their own too. much love, tara
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Oh Sheye, how I wish so hard every day…these are the days that it will hit unexpectedly and drop you to your knees. You have some loving wonderful people to pick you back up and hold you. I know you are grateful for them but one of them is missing. I wish like every one else on here that I could hug you and help you. I do get to admire and love you from a far.
Hugs & Kisses, Denise.
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Thinking of you.
xx
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My heart stopped when I saw this beautiful picture. Sending thoughts to you from Virginia, USA. Merry Christmas
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I will join you in a warm cup a creamy tea! Love to you…
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Dearest Sheye,
today, I send you big warm hugs.
thinking of you
Marla
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This time last year my brother was getting married. I was worried about the bridesmaid dress as it made my hips look huge with the HUGE pink sash around it. We fretted about what dresses to order for the girls and if they would get here in time.
I bought the cutest sweater and shoes for Daxton. He looked so grown up. Does it get easier? I don’t know. I don’t know. I think it changes and that is the only way to describe it now. I wrap presents for the girls and think of all the ones I am not wrapping for Daxton. It hurts. Yes, it hurts. You are not alone. I wish that it were possible for us to meet. Hang in there. There will be “floating” days to follow. Much love and hugs
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I read your words and never know what to say…because it is like someone has peeked into my heart and spilled everything it sees out onto paper. So I am left with, “Yes. Yes. Yes. I know. I hear you. I understand. I’m sorry. WHY?” I’m just so glad to know I am not alone in this grief. Yet…our grief is really only our own. It can only be “shared” so much and in so many ways until it all comes back to you again to own. But we can listen and we can understand and we can endure together.
She is beautiful. As beautiful as my Lucia.
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I have tears flowing down my cheeks as I try to think of something to say…all I can say is I think of you and your family everyday and wish I could make this easier for you….
My thoughts, love and prayers are with you today and always Sheye xxx
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oh Ava, your smiling face makes my heart joyful and sad all at the same time.
such a beautiful beautiful girl!
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Your words make it easy to imagine the hurt you must feel every day and my heart breaks for you. All I’ve ever seen are photos of Ava and still I find myself overwhelmed by the mere thought that such a beautiful little girl with so much life yet to live was taken away so tragically. I truly wish there were some way to change it. I pray for you and your family because there is really nothing else to do, other than cry, which I have also done. I know you have heard these words, I’m sure a million times, but…
I am so sorry.
Much love,
Rachel
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Sheye,
My thoughts are with you today. I read your post earlier and was drawn back
to comment. Cant stop thinking about you and wishing I could reach out and
give you a HUGE hug.With love,
Erica
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Sheye ~
Yet again I have no words, just tears.
Thinking of you, Thinking of Ava.
Much Love, Tabitha XXX
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Oh Sheye, It breaks my heart that you have to go through this! I wish with all my heart & soul that I could change things for you! Please know that you are always in my thoughts & prayers… those floating days aren’t far away my beautiful friend. You know where I am if you ever need to drink those cups of tea with someone! This photo of Ava is so very beautiful.. and yes, Ava would definitely approve!
take care,
love,
Tanya xxxxxx
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Oh gosh Sheye, as usual, her picture leaves me breathless. Thinking of you and Ava always.
Kaijaxx
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You and your family are in my thoughts, my prayers, and my heart.
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i wish i had the words or the magic to take your pain away and bring your darling back. sending lots of hugs from wyoming, usa. hang in there!
emily d.
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To dearest Sheye,
She is breath-taking, your little angel. I love this photo. What a blessing it is to be a photographer and have such incredible moments captured. As usual your post has left me in tears and heavy-hearted. I think of you, your family and especially Ava often. I don’t have your gift of beautiful, poetic, soulful writing, yet I am sending you so much love. I hope you are floating again soon.
lots of love, Jodie xx
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breath deep Sheye. These triggers are the worst. Almost worse than the anniversary days.
xo
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My heart goes out to you, and your little girl is beautiful. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day…
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i don’t know how you do it. every time i visit, i simply cannot believe your strength and love and hope.
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My heart goes out to you. Maybe taking a breather is exactly what you need to be close to her again. Hugs to you.
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I love seeing in frames, I love the beauty in the ordinary, I love my camera, I love that when I see images I hear too. I love the latelight, I love finding moments I didn’t imagine and I love creating moments I did. I love learning more every day, I love sharing what I’ve come to know, and I love making pictures pretty.
I’m so glad you stopped by. xx
The photo is, as usual, breathtaking. Funny isn’t it, how you can go along through your days and then all of the sudden the smallest thing can just put you immediately in THAT place questioning your survival and very existence. Does it get any easier? I don’t know. I just know that EVERYTHING is marked by the before and after. And, nothing is ever the same. I wish you peace, dear Sheye. xoxo Amy in Missouri, USA