67 sentiments shared

A Day Less Floating.

I never expect to write about Ava.   I can’t do it on the “floating” days.   But this day is not floating..my heart is heavy and my thoughts shift continually towards my other darling girl.

It can be the smallest of things that have the biggest impact.  This time yesterday, I was web-browsing for inspiration for the kids rooms at Apartment Therapy..flicking through images when suddenly I saw a picture that included Ava With Wings (the Belle and Boo illustrations with Ava jumping on her bed)..It was so unexpected and surprising that it threw me off balance for the rest of the day.  I just sat staring at that photo for the longest time..wondering, again, how?

And the day turned into the night and we went to Cirque de Soleil and the jugglers juggled and the acrobats flew but all I could think about was my sweet girl.  Like when you drive somewhere and can’t remember parts of the journey, I would find myself floating back to the Grande Chapiteau unable to remember the previous minutes.  I’d been with Ava.  What I would give – there is nothing I wouldn’t – to be able to take her to the circus.

I went looking for a photo to include here and found one I hadn’t seen in a long time.  And like the image yesterday, it’s made me catch my breath and stare in disbelief.  Even now, almost 2 years on..it’s not one bit easier to understand how that day happened.  That she isn’t here and she isn’t coming back.   That this is how our lives have played out and that hers was so short.   None of it makes sense and most days, I simply accept that it is nonsensical and do my best to get on with this altered life that still has a lot to be thankful for.

Today though, Ava, and the missing of her,  is all around and I’m not getting on with a whole lot of anything.   I plan to spend the afternoon with Oprah and endless cups of tea.  I might even paint my nails.  The Superprincess would approve.

Love, Sheye xx

1. tracy says:

   sheye… i cry whenever you write about your sweet superprincess and not a day goes by that I don’t think of how precious time is with my own 2 beautiful kids just because I follow your blog. Keep on getting through each day and know that we are all here cheering you on to do just that. You inspire me as a photographer and more importantly, as a mom! AGAIN, I’ll hug them harder today in honor of Ava…. merry, merry christmas. tracy

   
2. Martina's Mum says:

   Dear,dear Sheye, Clayton,Luca,Mason,((ava)) and Ivy,my heart and arms hug you all.I know those times and days. Just crushing ((((((hugs))))). love Jo

   
3. leeann says:

   hi there,
   your words and journey have moved me so much and my heart aches for you. as a new mom, it hurts to love so so much and i wish that i could make it better for you. give so much love to you kids right now and love every second you have with them.
   my love and best wishes to you,
   LeeAnn

   
4. Jodi says:

   Sheye,
   My thoughts are with you often. My heart hurts for you when you have days like this. I can’t even imagine how it must feel coming across such a picture of your darling girl. I think sitting with Oprah and tea would be just what I would do… I would probably add a couple chocolate donuts into the mix as well, though. Thank you, as always, for sharing your sweet angel with us. I hope you are feeling better.
   Jodi

   
5. Vanessa says:

   She is absolute perfection Sheye.

   I love all of your photos but some touch the heart more than others ~ that one is one of them. I love how you can see you in Ava’s eye…..

   Thinking of you more than ever over the Christmas period.

   xxx

   
6. Tara Jean says:

   Such a beautiful beautiful girl…sending my thoughts and hugs to you and your family Sheye! There are no words to take that pain away, ever, but it’s so nice to read all the wonderful things people have to say to your Ava and her family!

   xxTara

   
7. Keren says:

   Sweet, beautiful giving Sheye….

   Nightingale – Norah Jones

   Nightingale
   Sing us a song
   Of a love that once belonged
   Nightingale
   Tell me your tale
   Was your journey far too long?

   Does it seem like I’m looking for an answer
   To a question I can’t ask
   I don’t know which way the feather falls
   Or if I should blow it to the left

   All the voices that are spinnin’ around me
   Trying to tell me what to say
   Can I fly right behind you
   And you can take me away

   With all my love this Christmas
   Keren
   xxxx

   
8. Ange says:

   She looks like she is made of honey. It’s such a beautiful clear photo of her, Sheye. Her eyes are so incredibly happy.

   
9. Alissa says:

   Sending so much love to you and your family. My heart breaks everytime you post about Ava…and yet, every photograph of her takes my breath away. She is so beautiful and she always looks as though life has never been better. Wishing you peace this holiday season. Oh, and I hope our package gets to you in time! ;)

   
10. Ingrid M. says:

    Oh Sheye, I just can’t get over how beautiful she is.
    My thoughts are with you.

    xx

    
11. Lea says:

    That Missy Ava of yours manages to pop up in the most unlikely places! Fitting she is gracing photos of designer bedrooms though don’t you think. I was on the Tea Pony website the other day & sure enough Belle & Boo has been commissioned to do some gorgeous fabrics for vintage dresses. & immediately I am thinking of Ava. So beauty-full. I hope your day is brighter today sweetheart.
    Love you
    xxx

    
12. sarah says:

    I keep coming back trying to think of something fitting to say and I just cant. I feel guilty that I have Amaya sitting at home while you are missing your Ava so much. There has to be some plan in mind for your Ava and I think it is to make everyone more aware of what they have and t to appreciate it more. She truly was a gift for your family and for the rest of the world.

    
13. Clare says:

    Ava is part of our thoughts, mine and my childrens, through your words, you have reached so many. Such a beautiful girl, such a loved child.
    Thinking of you and your lovley family, take care, much love ClareX

    
14. Happy Wife Happy Life says:

    I pray for you regularly, Sheye. And I will continue to.
    I know these next days will be especially trying for you, and your husband.

    Blessings to you both.

    
15. Jane says:

    Wishing. Wishing.

    Loving. loving.

    
16. brooke bowland says:

    my heart sank thinking of your pain.
    she is every bit of beauty!

    
17. sarah says:

    hy i’m from belgium, the first time that i saw pictures of beautiful ava i was amazed, sometimes I stared at the pictures for ten minutes
    she was such a lovely little sweet girl
    she was just to beautiful for this world!
    sheye, I wish you, little ivy who is also beautiful, luca,mason and your husband the best!
    love
    (sorry but my english is really bad)