Life With Grief.
I’m not sure I’ve ever written two posts in one day. Today can be that day. I’ve mentioned before, it is not always easy to openly speak of grief once the shock dissipates. It’s hard to mix up such intensely personal thoughts with the light chatter of everyday life. But I can’t not, it happens that those are the elements that make up my days.
I have “met” many friends around the World who live in the same universe as me – the one that includes all the elements of an old life, almost, but is now seen through a filter called Grief. Friends who, throught no fault of their own, have lost their children to tragedy and illness. I am connected to these unseen friends in a way I can’t describe, nor need to. We are just bonded. When I see mourning parents on television, I relate in a way I never imagined – to know I could pick up my phone and ring those complete strangers and that we could talk for hours. We carry each others sorrow. I suppose this sounds sad and awful. But it’s not, it’s just a depth of understanding amongst a group of people that I don’t believe can be mirrored in many other sitations in life.
Yesterday was the birthday of Hannah. I read her Mummy’s blog and worried for her yesterday, knowing just how impossible certain days can be. Yet we still wake up the day after. How?
Grief falls into a pattern in time. The feeling of “floating”, as I call it, that stays for days, allowing you to carry on with life and make happy moments for your family and to plan and anticipate and enjoy. Then, for reasons known and sometimes not, the rug is pulled from you – the Earth tilts the wrong way – the sky falls and you find yourself suffocating. Quite litereally. The Missing. The sense of their vacant space, the one they should be standing in, dancing in, resting in. Where they should be laughing and growing and loving. Where. They. Should. Be.
It’s indescribable and it’s unbearable and it’s so much more than we should have to endure, as humans. As parents. As fragile, hopeful, trusting people. There is no ecaping, no cheering up, no stepping over. When grief visits, everything stops. And over time we become familiar with its presence and we allow it to pass through and ravage because we have no choice. On the other side comes a tranquility and the floating returns, for a while.
I see now that time lets us float for longer periods and life settles into a new normal. It’s hard to remember the perfect World, yet we could never forget. Against what we thought possible, we carry on and our memories include smiles too, and for that I am so, so grateful. It doesn’t mean there aren’t a thousand moments in the day where we secretly do nothing but wish.
Rach, I wish you a floating heart soon.
Sheye x
34 shared sentiments
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Thinking of you and of Rachel as well as all of the other mommies and daddies who are a part of the club you speak of ~ I cannot imagine the hurt you feel.
Know that you are in our thoughts and prayers…
wishing we could do something…anything…
xoxo – darcie
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There are no perfect words I can say to make this pain even a tiny bit better, but do know how much you are very loved and thought of.
Sending so much love your way…
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i cannot even imagine and wish you and the members of your club couldn’t either, s…
love and prayers,
dani
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I know that this doesn’t even begin to compare, but you lost your sweet Ava about the time I lost my 10 year marriage to divorce. You have such a beautiful way of expressing the grief and helping the heart to heal. There is always a void whether you give it conscious thought or not. And sometimes the emptiness rolls over you and the day seems impossible. Your willingness to share the hard times has helped me to heal. Thank you.
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Sheye,
That was so beautifully written and so true. Should, wish, words I now use and bear in my heart daily. I also was thinking of Rach. Those days are never easy. Hugs and peace of heart to you as well.
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Thinking of you and Rachel and wish I could make it better.
hugs
k8
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I’ve never looked at grief that way. Thank you for sharing yet again.
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Hey beautiful girl. Can you feel my hand in yours?
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Oh, Sheye, you made me all weepy before work this morning.
Thank you, Friend, thank you. You said it perfectly.
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Sheye, thank you so much for posting that. I just had a miscarriage and a D&C last Wednesday, and am still very much grieving though life seems to have carried on around me. I am forced to carry on with that life as well. I have 2 small children, a husband, a house, responsibilities. Yet to carry on as if everything is “normal” is so hard for me. I get that it’s hard to experience grief when everything & everyone else is dealing with the mundane of the everyday, even happiness and all those other feelings. I especially struggled yesterday, so thank you for posting this. It’s nice to have someone who “gets it”.
Amber
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I held my mother in law the other day when for no apparent reason her tears started flowing for the 7 year old daughter she lost 30 years ago. How could any mum be expected to just forget. That’s not human or normal.
So very very sad.
Thinking of all you brave mums out there.
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As always, I have no words to describe yours.
It’s just so…unfair.
No parent should have to go through this.
My heart aches so much for you, for Rachel, for every single parent who have lost a child.
My prayers and thoughts are with all of you.xx
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Sheye – I sit here at my desk at work tryng my damnest not to sob. I knew your post would very soon be sad-how could it not be-you’ve posted so many “floaters” the past few weeks and you’ve been busy with the workshop and the forum it was bound to take you down sooner or later – the grief. I don’t pretend to even remotely understand the depth of your sadness, your grief, your inability or ability to put one foot in front of the other every day. I ask God everyday “why”, what’s the purpose of delivering such heartache upon a family. There will never be an answer that is acceptable so you are left with wishing…but your wish never comes true, another cruel trick. Now I am sobbing so I must stop and go to the restroom and try to look “normal” again. Know you are loved by a world of moms. Denise
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Wow…I am in tears trying to think of something to write.
My heart aches daily for you, rachel and so many other people who have lost their child/children.
It has been said before, and will be said again but you are so incredibly brave and let not only the good days but also the bad days be here for people to read! That takes a courage and strength that not many people have.
My prayers are with you and many others today and always
x
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You have said it so well, what is so hard to say. Thinking of Rachel. Wishing none of you knew this walk in life.
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sheye,
i know you try to find such goodness in the life you have left to live for the sake of your 3 beautiful children, and for that i am in awe of you, because i cannot comprehend what your days must be like. just know that you are an inspiration and a light to so many others as you have a way with words + photos to help others along the way with your grief and your beautiful blog.
you are one amazing woman.
my heart goes out to Rach also.
tara
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hello my dear friend…I would’ve sent you email, but I know you’re very busy right now…just want you to know that my heart aches with you and for you…thinking of you all – today and always,
much love and hugs,
laureen
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Sheye, I wish you never had to know such sadness, but I thank God that you share your words with the world. Those who grieve must be comforted, and those who watch others grieve wish that something could be done to mend broken hearts.
I don’t believe love ends when the physical world changes, it binds souls together forever. So while we live in a world of raindrops, and blossoms and starry nights, the souls we love are here. We feel them, we think of them, we never stop loving them.
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Sheye
Just wanted to let you know I have printed out today’s post and pasted it in my journal. It’s now 4 and a half years since my daughter Isabella died, and they way you described grief today was so succinct and perfect. I am unable to articulate my sadness and pain as well as you, and I thank you for your beautiful soothing words.
Sending you lots of love on this journey of a lifetime.
Lindy
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Sheye, I wish I could take it all away, I know we all do. You share your emotions with such honesty, and I am grateful for that. Thank you for letting us “be with you” in a way. I hope you feel all of the love and hugs from across the miles.
With love today and always.
jbxo
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Sheye, I am at a terribly ‘dry place’ verbally. So many feelings yet the ‘newness’ of grief has worn off and it feels like my words go in circles. How to describe the undescribable?
You verbalized my thoughts well.
Hugs, girl.
Ivy is a doll! Her pictures are bittersweet to me because they remind me of all the sweet girly mannerisms Jenna used to have, but I didn’t have the skill to capture them like you do. You’re my fave photographer, methinks.
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How beautifully written. With tears streaming down my face I can say that I understand, too well, every word that you have written. My little, dreamy boy would have been 7 this December.
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How do you express things just so perfectly? You have a gift. One I’m sure you wish you didn’t have to have, but you bring so many people peace.
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Sheye, I so love your words.Just to imagine your Missing is hard enough..To think of you living it,is unimaginable.Thinking of you and your beautiful girl Always..Much Love Kaz xoxox
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Sheye, I just found your blog today through Sumi and amm so glad I did. Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. Sometimes this road can feel so lonely, it is good to know there are others out there struggling with the same things! Thank you!
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Hi Sheye,
I want you to know that you are not alone and that there are so many people who care about you. There are so many people around the world (me included) whom you have never met, but think of you, Ava, your family and pray for all of you. I have a picture of Ava and her rule on my blog, with the hopes that sharing her story will help make this world a better place.
Hugs,
Caroline
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This was beautifully written. You are a fantastic writer. I am fascinated with your blog, your beautiful photography. You are a strong and captivating woman. I am proud to be a member of the ‘club’ with you. You have such wonderful insight to share. How lovely of you to reach out and remind us of another grieving mother. I send my love across the wires. Molly
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Sheye. I’ve always wanted to be there to support you. To offer anything I could to even just lessen the load for one moment. I’ve always wanted to try to understand what you experience and what you will experience, on a daily basis for all of your years to come. I know though that I (hopefully) I never will truly understand.
You’ve always been somebody I’ve looked up to ~ even before Ava’s accident. You have so much to give and give it so freely and there are few people in the world willing to do that.
You are such a beauty full person in so many ways.
x
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Your blog address was given to me in a comment on my blog. Thank you for your eloquent words.
I am the mother of two children, a 15-year old son and a daughter who passed away at the age of 12 in August, 2007. I know exactly what you are describing; it is my life now, too.
God bless you and your family. I will be back to read more.
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P.S. Here is Katie’s Caringbridge site:
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/katiegerstenberger
and my blog address:
http://www.karengberger.blogspot.com
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Dear Sheye,
Your Ava. My Vivian.
Too sad for words.
Tell me more about Ava. Why did she die?
You can read about Vivian and how we cope with our grief on “her” website.
Bless you,
Helena
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Hi Sheye,
I don’t usually comment. But, having read this entry, wanted to simply say:
Yes.
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a beautiful bless
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I love seeing in frames, I love the beauty in the ordinary, I love my camera, I love that when I see images I hear too. I love the latelight, I love finding moments I didn’t imagine and I love creating moments I did. I love learning more every day, I love sharing what I’ve come to know, and I love making pictures pretty.
I’m so glad you stopped by. xx
Oh Sheye, my heart aches for you! no parent should ever have to go through this!! I have no words of wisdom for you.. just know you are always in my thoughts & prayers…
love,
t. xxxxx