All Of Her Tomorrows.
When we chose Ava’s casket, I vaguely remember some of my thought process. They’re so tiny. (But she’s so tiny.) Is there just white? It should be pink, really. Silver or gold handles? Silver is better for a child. But gold would suit her skin. (Oh but she’s not wearing them, it’s just to go with white.) What will look prettier in the chapel? What would she like?
But more than anything..Are we really here, doing this?
I could not even begin to process what we were doing. Not us. Not for our daughter. Please don’t let this be our life. Our child. It was so unbelievable. (It is still unbelievable.) I didn’t realise on that day that her little tiny white casket with silver handles and a cross needed to hold so much more than our precious daughter.
It had to hold her first day at school. Her uniform. The bows for her plaits. Her books. The friends she’d meet. The lunches we’d make for her. Her graduation dress.
It had to hold all her toys along with all her future things of treasure ..her cd’s, her jewellery, her perfume, her car and her house and all her trinkets.
It had to hold her friends. The sleepovers and the shopping trips. The coffees and the wines and the trips to the movies. The giggly phone calls. The games, the gossip, the disagreements.
It had to hold so many parties. Her birthdays, her engagement and her housewarming parties. Her friends parties. The outfits she’d carefully choose, the shoes to match. The gifts. The excitement.
It had to hold a husband. A whole wedding. A beautiful wedding dress…and the dresses of her bridesmaids. A honeymoon and a happily ever after.
It had to hold her children. Her clothes for a bigger belly, her parenting books, her babies nurseries. Her fears for their safety, her hope that she was doing a good enough job.
It had to hold every single one of her dreams. Her hopes for a bright future, her worries about the unknown, her anticipation of all the tomorrows. Her opinions, her beliefs, her faith. Her regrets and her achievements. Her amazing, wonderful, full, happy life that never became.
These are my quiet thoughts today. Pondering what is really contained within each of our small children. So much. So very, very much that we vaguely imagine at times and smile and look forward to.
It is a gift that now, when I hold my children dearly and breathe them in, I’m not just grateful for them, I’m so thankful for all of their tomorrows.
Love Sheye xx
75 shared sentiments
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You are an amazing women, mother, and wife. Ava got everything from you. You hold her tomorrows in your heart.
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Just a beautiful post and oh so true.
I read your blog and think of you and your family oftenNic
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Dear Sheye…
Your words touch my heart.
Ava have a wonderful mother. Your three other children have a wonderful mother.
It`s a beautyful picture of you and Ava.
Thanks for sharing.Ella
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That is just about one of the most beautiful sentiments I’ve ever read Sheye. Tear dripped down my face in total understanding of what you mean, even though I have both my children. You bear your loss better than I could ever even try to imagine I could. You are a statement of what true strength is. And your Ava, who crosses my mind so many times…you just don’t know, is a true statement of what a child means to their parents.
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No words. Just wishes.
Love,
Jane
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Thank to Ava and your words my childrens tomorrows will always be so special.
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You made me realise just how much i have to be thankful for, in my own life.
And i’m sorry that she never had the chance to find out what was waiting for her.
She was incredibly lucky to be your child. You still hold her dreams for her.
- S xx
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Oh Sheye.. your words are beautiful and so true. Sending you a big hug from across the miles.
xoxo
rashmi
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Oh honey nothing but tears here…
Loveyousomuch
Lea x
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Thank you for your beautiful words! You have reminded me once again to let the little silly things go and just squeeze my family tight.
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you don’t know me…but, i too lost a baby girl. this should have been her first year in kindergarten. it was a milestone that i have been dreading…reading your blog post was like reading my mind. thank you for the post. they are my thought as well…
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Thank you for sharing that.
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I have been reading your blog for quite a while now, but don’t often comment because I just never know what to say (and certainly don’t know how to go about putting my words together as beautifully as you do). But I get the feeling that you’d like to know how much your daughter has impacted my life. Whenever I’m having a bad day with my daughters (4 1/2 and 2 1/2) I stop and think about how much worse life could be. I think about Ava, and how I know you would give anything to have her back acting “naughty” or crabby. . . then I feel horrible for getting upset over such stupid little things. And then I feel even more horrible and guilty over the fact that your little princess isn’t with you and your family any longer.
Many times when I hug by girls or tuck them in at night, I think of Ava and how different my life would be without either of my princesses. I ache for you each time I read one of these posts.
Thank you for your reminders to never take a moment for granted and to look forward to each day I have with my children.
XOXOXO
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What a beautiful post. I’m a nursing student in college and just yesterday I was on the pediatric ICU for the first time, and all during the course of a few hours, we lost three of our little fighters. Trying to save their little lives and watching them go to heaven is hard enough, but I cannot even imagine being a mother in that situation. The situation shook me so badly, I went home and wrote on my blog just to sort out all of the sadness. You are welcome to check it out, but this post just brought me back to those thoughts.
You you are so right, and I’m glad you shared this. It’s hard to read things like this, but sometimes it’s what we need to hear.
Mothers, go hug your children. Sometimes life can get crazy, but just like the mom who dropped her little boy off at school yesterday only to hold his cold body in her arms a few hours later…. you just never know. Be thankful for your little lives because in each little heart is a lifetime of beauty.
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Sheye, Thank you for so eloquently writing the words I couldn’t find.
Many hugs to you.
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my heart just exploded into a thousand pieces… just longing, so much longing and understanding. Your words and your photography are both so stunningly beautiful. I’m honoured to be able to soak them all in. They heal. Thank you sheye.
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Beautiful and moving post!!!
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Sheye, please read the children’s book “Someday” by Alison McGhee and Peter H. Reynolds… it is beautiful and heartbreaking a the same time, as so many things are. I think of you and your lovely babies each time I read it to mine. Thank you again, for sharing so honestly. Thank you.
jbxo
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Wow, Sheye…this brought tears to my eyes. The right words escape me today-but I am thinking about you and sweet Ava.
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This may be one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever read. My tears are streaming for you and my heart is filled with love and appreciation for my own children.
Thanks for the perspective.
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Every time I read your posts about your dear sweet Ava, I am brought to tears. Grief is so much about losing the person we had…as much as it is about losing the person we didn’t yet get to know. I lost my dad before I had any children – they never knew their grandpa (not on this side of heaven anyway, I tell them). Sending love and prayers.
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Her tomorrows are found in every person who reads this blog…Ava is continuing to shape our lives.
Your tomorrows have the ability to remind us to not get lost & to ‘keep it real’…& I thank you for that x
Much love to you & your beautiful family Sheye xx
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I am amazed everything I read a post about your sentiments and thoughts on how you’re feeling about your loss of your sweet daughter Ava. You have a way of putting down in words with such clarity, how I think I would feel.
It’s hard to explain here. Hope you understand. I am also amazed at how you have touched the blogging world.
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You have filled my heart with lead
:(unbearable, unbelievable,unimaginable!!!
Cherish her yesterdays,sweet-pea!!!
Bless your heart!!
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It is incredible just how much we can loose when we loose a child or baby or pregnancy. Not only what life they had, but the million different versions of tomorrow.
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Oh Sheye! so beautiful & true. I was at Pac Fair today in Socrates with my 2 little ones when I heard the name Ava… she was a tiny blonde hair blue eyed bundle of absolute excitement dancing to the music & thoroughly enjoying herself! Everywhere I go I see little girls dancing, skipping, singing & doing all the things little girls just love to do… and I imagine Ava… what would she be doing, and how she should be having all of those tomorrows! These tomorrows for my children now mean so much more because of Ava… and I know I say this all the time but… thank you so much for sharing Ava Super Princess, it has changed my life forever! sending you big hugs…
Lots of love
Tanya xxxx
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Ava was a beautiful baby! No words Sheye, to what I think has to be one of your most poetic blogs. Thinking of you,
Ally xx
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:(
That photo is priceless.
It also needs to hold all of the hearts that Ava has taken with her Sheye.
Your little girl is just so missed. Missed by so many.
x
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Sheye.. from all of your posts.. this is the one that has completely taken my breath away. I think about you and your family daily. Especially as i feed my daughter Madison looking at the print of your gorgeous girl, on the carousel displayed on her wall. Ava is such a gift to mine, and many others lives. Much Love xx
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Oh Sheye –
I read your post last night, but your words hit heavy and I couldn’t formulate anything to say at that moment. Such a beautifully written post and so telling yet it leaves heartstings. I am so happy that Ava was given you as her Mummy. I just don’t think anyone else would do. She was such an amazing gift to this earth Sheye. And YOU have a gift as well. A gift to reach into that place that I know is scary and calming all at the same time and share it with this world. In doing so, Ava’s light shines SO much brigther and has wrapped around this world to make it a bit brighter as well. I wish there was some way to give you all of her tomorrows… I can promise you that because of her my tomorrows and the tomorrows of so so so many people will be so much BETTER. She has changed so many…
Thinking of you all today and every day sweet girl.
K
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Beautiful…
so so sorry Sheye, hugs to you
Lea
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Unbelievably and sorrowfully beautiful. Thank you for allowing us to share in your grief and Ava’s life. I hope writing it helps. I hope know that we’re here to read it helps.
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What beautiful words, what a precious little girl.
Thinking of you,
Tabitha X
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S.
I lurke often, but comment little. Thank you for sharing so much with us. Ava was gorgeous (and check out her dark baby hair!)Hugs.
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you are right, sheye…
there’s no casket that has ever been made that could ever even begin to contain ava and her light alone much less all her tomorrows.
my blog today is about how ava’s light has blessed me. i wrote it before i read your entry today. but, i believe it goes along with…
my thoughts, prayers, and love are with you,
dani xx
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what a precious photo and how beautifully written but sad……
hugs to you.
you amaze me always.
tara
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It’s unbearably painful to hear the void that was left when you lost your baby girl. Somehow, I keep coming back, because I admire your strength, courage, and your ability to so clearly express your raw emotion.
I’ve never met you, Sheye, but I can tell you how happy I am that YOU were Ava’s mom while she was here. You’re amazing.
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Sheye-this took my breath away. Each new day, I think of Ava & try to do a little better than the last.
Much love.
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Dear Sheye,
You put into words what many of us have been thinking. What would Ava be doing now, tomorrow, the day after that…
When we catch glimpses of other girls dancing, when we see spotty shoes, when we see a pink balloon our thoughts immediately go to Ava. Thank you so much for continuing to share Ava with us. By sharing you have changed so many of us, making us all better persons.Tania
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I love you.
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Her coffin must be heart shaped to hold all that wonder.
Kate F
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Your beautiful and so perfect words often have me thinking what an amazing woman and mother you are but this post has just left me well so , so very sad. I feel so much for you and wish it could be different and all of Ava’s tomorrows could be today’s. Tears stream down my face as I even try to think of what you wrote :(
Thinking of you often ,
Toni
xoxo
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That is such a beautiful post Sheye. Ava has changed to many, and has made such an impact on so many lives.
I want to tell you that the other day I went to the shops and just couldn’t walk past a pair of red shoes with white polkadots.
I saw them and remembered your post about Ava’s “spottys”. I bought the shoes, hoped the size was right and sent them to my five-year-old niece in Australia. They fit and she loved them! So these days there is a little girl happily skipping around and feeling so pretty in her new spotty shoes.
Maleny
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I feel for you Sheye. I can imagine your loss and all of Ava’s tomorrows. Be strong for Luca, Mason and Ivy. Their tomorrows are yours to embrace.
You’re in my thoughts and prayers. Take care and an advanced mother’s day to you.
With love (from Singapore),
Liza Hassan
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Goosebumps and tears. Your words are amazing and that photo…..beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
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my words can’t express how moving these sentiments are…
BUT i will look into my children’s eyes today and see much more than i did yesterday.thank you.
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Oh Sheye, what you just wrote is so unbelievably beautiful – and true. It brought tears to my eyes.
I don’t know you but I can tell that you are one amazing woman, friend, mother and wife.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, for sharing your heart.
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Sheye,
Your insight is amazing. Thank you for reminding me to treasure my children and all that the future holds.
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The only thing I can think to say is thank you. Thank you so much for sharing and for making my day a little more thoughtful and peaceful. So much of who we are is invisible. Apparent mostly to those who love us best.
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I love seeing in frames, I love the beauty in the ordinary, I love my camera, I love that when I see images I hear too. I love the latelight, I love finding moments I didn’t imagine and I love creating moments I did. I love learning more every day, I love sharing what I’ve come to know, and I love making pictures pretty.
I’m so glad you stopped by. xx
Sheye,
I read your blog and I often think of Ava throughout my day. Your words are so powerful. So real. So true. Thank you for sharing them and Princess Ava.