75 sentiments shared

All Of Her Tomorrows.

When we chose Ava’s casket, I vaguely remember some of my thought process. They’re so tiny. (But she’s so tiny.) Is there just white? It should be pink, really. Silver or gold handles? Silver is better for a child. But gold would suit her skin. (Oh but she’s not wearing them, it’s just to go with white.) What will look prettier in the chapel? What would she like?

But more than anything..Are we really here, doing this?

I could not even begin to process what we were doing. Not us. Not for our daughter. Please don’t let this be our life. Our child. It was so unbelievable. (It is still unbelievable.) I didn’t realise on that day that her little tiny white casket with silver handles and a cross needed to hold so much more than our precious daughter.

It had to hold her first day at school. Her uniform. The bows for her plaits. Her books. The friends she’d meet. The lunches we’d make for her. Her graduation dress.

It had to hold all her toys along with all her future things of treasure ..her cd’s, her jewellery, her perfume, her car and her house and all her trinkets.

It had to hold her friends. The sleepovers and the shopping trips. The coffees and the wines and the trips to the movies. The giggly phone calls. The games, the gossip, the disagreements.

It had to hold so many parties. Her birthdays, her engagement and her housewarming parties. Her friends parties. The outfits she’d carefully choose, the shoes to match. The gifts. The excitement.

It had to hold a husband. A whole wedding. A beautiful wedding dress…and the dresses of her bridesmaids. A honeymoon and a happily ever after.

It had to hold her children. Her clothes for a bigger belly, her parenting books, her babies nurseries. Her fears for their safety, her hope that she was doing a good enough job.

It had to hold every single one of her dreams. Her hopes for a bright future, her worries about the unknown, her anticipation of all the tomorrows. Her opinions, her beliefs, her faith. Her regrets and her achievements. Her amazing, wonderful, full, happy life that never became.

These are my quiet thoughts today. Pondering what is really contained within each of our small children. So much. So very, very much that we vaguely imagine at times and smile and look forward to.

It is a gift that now, when I hold my children dearly and breathe them in, I’m not just grateful for them, I’m so thankful for all of their tomorrows.

Love Sheye xx

1. emily says:

   you have inspired many to appreciate their children more. a blessing we cannot thank you properly for…

   
2. Becky ♥ says:

   You have left me speechless yet again. The way you write is just stunning. This post is absolutely true down to the core. So many people take their children for granted and you just put down everything they should be thankful for. My heart is with you each day! Thank you for posting this.

   
3. Sara Moon says:

   Sheye, your writing is mesmerizing and breathtaking and stops me dead in my tracks (for all the right reasons) every time I read your posts.
   This one leaves me with such a heavy heart, for you, but also with a renewed gratitude for each moment.
   Ava is shining a beautiful light onto my world.
   Thank you for sharing her with us.
   All my love,
   Sara

   
4. Anne Bente says:

   You should’nt have to go through this, Sheye.
   It really is not fair…

   I do agree in so many others here.
   Avas light is shining world over, and has changed so many peoples way of thinking…

   Lovexxx

   
5. mandy says:

   There’s no box in the world big enough to hold a lifetime in it, no matter how long or short… Thank goodness the heart and soul have infinite storage space for all of our dreams and experiences that we hold close as treasured souvenirs of life!
   Thinking of you and your many tomorrows with a massive amount of love…

   
6. Anonymous says:

   What an absolutely beautiful post. I just happened to come across your blog, and it has just consumed me. You write so beautifully and your photos are amazing. It brings tears to my eyes to imagine what you’re going through. You are a strong, beautiful person, and I feel blessed to have come across your blog. I am sure your little Ava knows that you carry her in your arms each and every day.

   
7. Sunshine says:

   I love your Ava posts. I feel like I know her although I never had the pleasure of meeting her. Your words are so raw and pure and affecting. I find myself changed every time I visit your blog. I read it frequently and it continuously puts life back into perspective for me. You are an amazing woman and I hope you can feel all the love and support so many mothers are sending you, through thoughts, prayer, emails or cards. Know you are never alone and you are giving so many of us strength just by writing about your Angel. Your Ava.

   
8. Sussanah says:

   sending you some love, hope you feel it, to pack into your heart and head, to fill that aching space, even if it is only for the briefest moment of calm and peace

   xx

   
9. Amy says:

   You are such a breath of fresh air Sheye, in all things you seem to rise above and continue to be this amazing person.
   You are gorgeous from the deep depths of your heart to the loving gorgeous face that beams with smiles for your entire family and it shows in every word that you add to your blog.
   I think Ava left you with a gift,one that is going to continue living on in your life everytime you talk about her, inspire others, smile, capture something amazing with your camera..she’s there…right along side of you, gifting you. I count myself lucky to be one of the people who reaps the benefit of Avas gifts to you, I always leave your blog with a love for life and family.

   Thankyou friend.

   
10. Missy says:

    I have never commented. Only read, quietly, appreciating your honesty and photographs.

    Nothing grand to say now either. Just that this made a very real situation even more real to me and my thoughts are always with you and your family…

    
11. Anonymous says:

    Reading your blog today was another moment in my life when I was awash with emotion. The beauty of your words sting my eyes with tears Sheye.

    I am told that grief and loss are stored in an area in the human brain that is “without words” because the meaning of what has happened is so profound, so deep that we cannot tell another. It is felt, and witnessed, and honoured. Yet you have the power to tell us in beautiful words, and I am deeply grateful that you are able to share so much.

    You are truly amazing Sheye, and your Princess lives in so many hearts now that you have shared her.

    When I watched “Enough Rope” last night, it occured to me that one day you might chose another meduim to share Ava with the world. Stories are meant to be shared, and your Ava was so beautiful and you are so brave.

    God bless.

    
12. Ingrid says:

    Your posts about your lovely daughter Ava always brings tears to my eyes. Your words are so beautiful, so real.
    You are a amazing mother, Ava was lucky to have you!

    
13. Kim says:

    You have a beautiful gift of putting your thoughts into words, and I think you and your strength through all you’ve endured are amazing. God bless you and your family. Ava and all of you are in my thoughts daily. The tragedy of Ava’s loss has made me hold my three babies a little closer each day. Always remember how much sharing Ava’s story has touched the lives of others.

    
14. Ellie says:

    Sheye,

    Your words help me to be stronger for the children of a mother that was lost recently. When I begin to get weary…I think of Princess Ava and your words.

    
15. diane says:

    Such a lovely and touching post. I visited my brother’s grave site this weekend for the first time since the funeral. He’s a plane ride away. It was so strange. We also celebrated his birthday. It was hard but all part of grieving. Thank you again for the light you share.

    
16. Mrs. Organic says:

    So true, so beautifully written. What a lovely picture of you both.

    
17. Leslie says:

    isn’t it amazing that, in those first moments, when we are still not even certain that they are really gone… we have to choose something so… dreaded as a casket? i remember feeling so much pressure to pick the right one that would be something aaron would have loved.
    there is so much to be missed out on when they pass away so young. you missed out on so much losing ava. losing aaron… i will miss out on having the rest of our children together and watching them grow up and have their experiences.
    thank you sheye.

    
18. Meg & Brad says:

    Sheye –
    I have been reading your blog for about 4 months now and haven’t commnted until now because I want you to know how much this post has touched me. I lost my girl just a little over 6 months ago. She was just getting to the point where I was looking forwad to all of those tomorrows and fially starting to tackle her medical problems. I’ve never been one to be able to adequately express my feelings about the whole situation, but as I have read your sweet sweet posts, I can’t help but feel some peace at knowing that there is someone who knows exactly the same way. This post has truly been an inspiration in times that are hard and sometimes unfair.
    Thank you for the inspiration you provide by sharing these intimate feelings. It’s something that I can’t help but appreciate when I can’t get what I’m feeling – out!
    Warm Wishes from another mother who misses her girl more than life itself!

    
19. Heather says:

    Beautiful!

    
20. Vickey says:

    beautiful words. you are such a beautiful soul.
    {{{hugs}}}

    Vickey

    
21. Jason & Jen says:

    “Breathing them in”, you have such a wonderful way with words! Thanks again for sharing your beautiful Ava and you thoughts with us strangers. I hope you had a wonderful mother’s day full of wonderful memories of your little sweet princess!

    
22. Morgan says:

    So beautifully put, Sheye. I hope you know how much you are loved!

    
23. Erin Robertson says:

    Sheye, your blogs always bring out a smile, tear, or shake-my-head-in-amazement in me. I’m a friend of Dana Munnings (one of your new friends). She told me about you, your story, and your blogs/photography. I’m in love with it all. Thanks for your beautiful words, stunning photography, and transparency. God bless you.

    
24. Anonymous says:

    I stumbled upon your blog in a moment of needing encouragement. My daughter Amaya is one day older than your Ava would have been. Even on the toughest days the thought of your daugther makes me hold mine even tighter. Thank you for having the guts to put all your feelings out there, good or bad. You are an amazing person and I have so much respect for you! I hope your path becomes easier and easier to walk on your way to seeing Ava again!

    
25. Lisa says:

    I stumbled upon your blog this evening quite by accident. I have been here now for a few hours. This particular post…..sigh…….you are such a strong and amazing woman. I sat here and cried and then my husband came home and found me sitting here crying and then he read and he cried too. I am a mother (6 y/o daughter and 7 y/o son) and a photographer as well. Your words have struck chords within me. I am leaving your blog this evening w/ a deeper appreciation and love for my family and I am promising myself to leave the camera behind a little more— to join in the moment instead of always photographing it. Your strength is inspiring. Your family is beautiful. God bless.