A New Happy.
{Image kindly taken by Angie after I fell on my butt mid-shoot on Saturday}.
Along the way, you might have heard me mention MSF, a small forum I’ve belonged to since 2005. What started out as a group of shopping obsessed women became an amazing place of friendship and refuge to share stories about our familes, our work, to ask medical advice (although eventually we had to make up a rule with that one that said, simply, “Do Not Google”!) Much of our conversation still revolved around shopping for beautiful kids clothes but much of it didn’t too. I always thought that these women really were much more than just forum friends and I got to see that first hand in February last year. At Ava’s funeral, some of my MSF friends travelled from all over Australia to be there…It was amazing to me then, it still is now.
The original MSF forum closed just after Ava’s accident, for numerous reasons, and in the process I lost a lot of what was akin to many journal entries about life with Ava, in the “Old Universe”. Just recently, the forum administrator was kind enough to re-open the forum and allow members to access their posts.. I have only just sat down to do this the past week, to start to read over those entries. I was so happy to see I had almost 500.
I couldn’t help but go straight to my last entries prior to losing Ava..nothing stories really, silly, banal anecdotes.. But really, to read them now..they’re so much more than that. I can’t explain just how confronting it has been reading my own words, in that other universe, where I sound so light? so happy? so soft? I don’t sound like me. I’m this completely different, untouched person who had no idea that her life as she knew it was ending.
When I first read those entries, I cried so much, realising all over again just how much I’ve lost. It’s such a hard thing, to peek into the old World and see how completely perfect life was.. to see my name beside these posts and read the words I’m sure I did write but they just don’t sound familiar. My new happiness is so different to the old happiness I knew. It’s there, it’s just so different.
This is part of a post I wrote in the days after losing Ava.
What I can tell you is that being here, in my worst nightmare, in every Mothers worst nightmare, is that God..or whoever it is…was clever when he made us. He knew to wrap us tight in a little bubble and to just make it all blank. I am there and I’m walking and talking and breathing and I don’t know what the next moment holds or if I can ever get through this or why it was us. I do know that the very second, the VERY second I saw her I KNEW. I have been mourning her since Saturday and while I know you all prayed so hard and wanted so much for it to come out okay, I already knew. I am writing this today because I don’t know if tomorrow will be the day where my World starts to crash down and then what? Do I ever take another photo? Do I ever smile again?
It’s not easy to read my words from that week..we were so deep in shock and I remember the sheer terror we felt, not being able to process the reality or the finality of it all.
Today I am simply grateful that life has gone on, that we continue to adjust ever so slowly and that we still work hard at creating happiness in our new World..To carry on seemed so impossible back then..but we did, we surived that first year, with so much thanks to those who’ve supported us and continue to. There were so many days in those early months that brought us to our knees, literally, but it is incredible just how much we really can withstand..way beyond what is believed possible.
What I do know is that the truly difficult days of our lives change us more profoundly than anything else. When I meet people who appear less than happy, who are harsh or unkind, I have so much more respect for just what they may have endured along the way. I am so grateful that because I still have a wonderful husband and three beautiful children here to laugh with and because of so much love and support from so many people, I am finding my new happy.
How lucky am I?
S xx
48 shared sentiments
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You are lucky and so are we for finding you and sharing in your journey.
My (late) Dad always said ‘Things could always be worse’ and I’d roll my eyes but it’s so very true.
My neighbour back in 1980 lost her 3 and a half year old son in a backyard drowning – years later I saw her and we talked of Adam and she said it was the worst day of her life but it could have been much worse. How on earth? I thought but she went on to say Adam died in her arms at the hospital – a mother she met at grief counselling had lost her little daughter (she was murdered) and the torment of knowing who she was with when she died was more than any person should ever know. Things could be worse. Sorry dear Sheye for writing War & Peace on your blog, Vanessa xx :)
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No Sheye how lucky are we to have you in our lives.
It was only last weekend I was reading through my old diaries back when we’d been 2 years on IVF. I was complaining and had boring random bits about my work. They were boring but there bought each day back like it was yesterday. I’m so very glad I wrote it all down.
I tried to keep a journal once Logan was born but lost the first 12 months when he was sick. I am grateful though that I did go back and note down little points about how precious he was to our family.
Somethings can change your whole world and the way we act.
I know I’m sooo different to back then BK (before kids).I hate when peole winge about such little things.
Family is all that matters.
That’s real happines..
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You know Sheye, it means heaps to us that you shared your experience with us — even those horrific days when we slowly realised the enormity of what had happened. Ava drew us together as a community in a way I’ve never seen before or since. It has been such a privilege to see Ava through your eyes and photos, over in MSF and of course here on your gorgeous blog.
Love that photo; it’s great to see you laughing!
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Wow! I am sitting here, choking back tears all over again while reading your words, Sheye. I read them when you first posted them and cried and now I’m doing it all over again with the memories.
And I am so glad that you have found the time and strength to read over that period on MSF.
I still think of Ava on a regular basis, and even though I elected not to join the new forum it still amazes me how much impact the simple bond of motherhood between women can have.
Best wishes.
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How beautifully written. Yet again I have sat here reading your words with tears in my eyes.
I wish you much love and happiness in your new world. I love your blog and that you open your heart and write what you really feel ~ that is very special.
Sending you much love and hugs,
Tabitha XX
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Oh Sheye,
Such important words.
I just wish this didn’t happen to you (or danielle). I just wish I found you another way, I mean not because of Ava but because your amazing photography or something like that.
We should restart MSF, sounds like fun (Danielle and I could talk about shopping for hours)
Shayne xxx
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“How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d.”Alexander Pope
How clever are you? Do you realise how well you have articulated this?
When we hurt who hasn’t wished for a spotless mind, erased of all pain?
How cleverly you have shown how we yearn for a spotless mind, believing that we would be truly happy if we could only erase the sorrow, remove the hurt? But we know that it cannot be done, and more than that, we lose a frame of reference for joy and love without loss and sorrow.
Your journey so far, has taught us all so much. Has been a support and wonder for so many women.
clever and beautiful
xx
love to see you laugh, thank you angie
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Just like you I have found a New Happy. My Before was ‘before I met you, Ava and the rest of your family’ and then I found your blog, started reading your posts and became a different person. Slight changes perhaps, but they have made me a better, more understanding mother. And I owe it all to you and Ava.
Thanks Sheye, for continuing to share your story with us.
Love,
Tania
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I have GOT to stop reading your words while around the family. It’s really hard to wipe the tears away without anyone else noticing.
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Oh I’m so happy you’ve been able to access those posts Sheye. I often wondered if you had a chance to save any of them before the forum’s closure ~ now I know :)
You have so much of what you do not only because you are lucky, but because you deserve it. You have stolen so many hearts because of what you have given and continue to give.
I have tears of happiness right now from just reading your title on this post ~ I’m hoping more and more fireflies appear before you in the future Sheye…… your girl must be SO proud of you.
xxx
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i find so much wonder in your words. you are exquisitely talented at expressing yourself. do you mind if i ask again, where would i be able to purchase spotties like ivy’s?
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Thankyou for all the beautiful comments :)
Ashley, those ones are from Target…reasonably recently I saw them in stock. There are some great online places for spotties though, I’ll come back with some links tomorrow…need to get them from the Mac.
S xx
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Grateful is good. And it sounds so much like “graceful” – or rather – grace-full. And you are certainly that.
Kate F
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How lucky is the world to have you in it?
Our lives have been changed because yours did and to put it down here so honestly and openly is a gift you may never know the magnitude of.
Meganxx
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Oh Sheye –
There are a few lines in one of my favorite songs ever by Ms. Alicia herself and I love them so:
Life perfect aint perfect if you don’t know what the struggles for. Fallin’ down aint fallin’ down if you don’t cry when you hit the floor. It’s called the past cause I’m gettin’ past and I aint nothin’ like I was before…you oughta see me now…
Not proper grammar of course, but the words themselves say so much. Without maybe even knowing, you have taught so much to so many, you have comforted through your sharing, you have helped others grow…you have grown yourself. I agree that we really are the lucky one and the luckiest one of all was Ava who got to have you as her Mummy.
Beautiful words today beautiful girl.
K
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your words are so profound sheye. i am in awe of you.
i just watched an Oprah yesterday about a family that lost a 7 year old daughter in a drunk driving accident, and they just looked so lost and sad and were saying how they could never be happy again without their little girl….it reminded me of you. they also had 2 girls 2 boys. it just broke my heart to see them like that.
i am so glad for you that you have found a new kind of happy. it won’t ever be the same, but at least you have that, yes indeed you are lucky.
tara
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That forum was so incredibly special Sheye.
I learnt how powerful & inspiring women can be when they pull together.
I miss that place, I miss those people & I mostly miss what should have been….
xx
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This was beautifully stated. your last paragraph reminds me a lot of St. Paul’s words to the Corinthians (2 Corinthians 12: 7-10). Perhaps when people go through such pain they brought to the same conclusion.
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Yes, I think our suffering brings us to a new, greater awareness of our humanness, our capacity for growth and enlightenment.
I try and remember this quote when I’m feeling low.
“Embrace your grief, for it will expand your soul.” Carl Jung
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All the way across the world you and your family and your experiences have profoundly touched me forever. I have, through your willingness to share, been able to glimpse into your sadness and your ability to keep moving forward – and I know I will never be the same person again. You amaze me and although I don’t physically know you, I think about you everyday and hope the sun is shining on you.
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Sheye, you truly are a treasure. The impact you have had on my world is astounding. Not a day goes by without thoughts of you, Ava and your beautiful family… immediately those thoughts bring me to a world of appreciation that I never knew prior to finding you out here. You have given me a sense of peace that is difficult to describe.
You amaze me.
jbxo
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You are so wise. Thank you for reminding me that things can change in an instant. Thank you for sharing your grief and your sorrow so that I can be a better mother.
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Sheye you are such an incredible woman. From the bottom of my heart I pray that you are happy again. That you find a peace in the fact that it is right for you to be happy; for your children, for your husband, for Ava. One day I believe you will be with her again, I can’t imagine an existence that doesn’t allow that, but until that time your children and husband deserve your happiness… you deserve your happiness. While it will never be OK that Ava was taken from you I truly feel the only thing to do is live the life she’d want for you. She would want you to find a new happy and she’d want her daddy, brothers and little sister to bring you joy.
Much love,
~Rachel
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Sheye: As always, thank you for your complete, raw honesty. It is beautiful and haunting. I am utterly grateful to you for your words.
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I get it. I really do. Thank you for putting into words that which I couldn’t. It is a new happiness, never fully as happy as I once was, but happy nonetheless.
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Sheye-
Your words always bring tears to my eyes. Although I have never lost a child, I lost my mom when I was a teenager. In that small way, I can understand such a profound sense of loss… and the experience of trying to walk your way- one tiny step at a time- into a new life. There is definitely a deeper sense of understanding of the “big picture” when someone so close is gone. I think you have done such a wonderful job of embracing all the emotions- the good and the bad- and making a new life for you and your family. The best part of it is, Ava will continue to be a part of your family now and well into the future- even if it is in a different way. Sending thoughts and prayers your way (all the way from the USA!) :)
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So special honey…the memories of Ava created in that special little place will stay with me forever. From her rolling around in the mushrooms to her 7 skirt rule to the OMG the Smick has landed!
I hated meeting you for the first time like I did, but, like you said to me it was a beautiful moment in a horrible, horrible day.
Can’t wait to see you soon
Lea x
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Sheye, we are the ones who are lucky!!! I know my life has changed through knowing you, and because you have shared so much of Ava with us! You haven’t been afraid to be REAL!!! you have shared the good, the bad & the terrible.. and I for one will be forever grateful to you for that!! Sheye, you & your family are in my thoughts everyday! I absolutely love the photo!!! makes me happy to see you happy & laughing!!
Have a Beauty Full day!
Much love,
Tanya xx
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Extremely lucky…truly.
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Sheye, each time I visit your blog I am astounded at how wise you are.
And Kate is right – grace-full.
Thank you once again for sharing your journey.
Janelle
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It is very weird that today I drove around and thought of you and I and about how we talk about grief. How do we convey it to others. I think you’ve done just what I was thinking today.
Today I sat in a chair I sat in the day before Belle died, in her peads office. I sat thinking of a time when she hid behind me when he walked into the room and how I read to her while we waited. It was another universe ago.
I avoided our usual food shop because I couldn’t walk those aisle today.
I sat at school wishing her face was amongst the kinders.
But the ‘happy’ moments were there as well, I also thought how lucky I am to be able to gather the strength to face these days and find moments where she still makes me smile and she allows us to keep living. Moments where Maddy and Mason fill my heart up.
I am thinking of you all, every day.
Dxxx
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Gosh Sheye, how I wish that you could go back to that “Old Universe” where everything was lighter. It really was a special place, so many of us fell in love with Ava there. Who could forget Ava in her very large green retro dress! Your stories & her photos always, ALWAYS made me smile. They still do but now there are also tears.
XXX Melissa
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A friend of a friend lost her 4-yr-old daughter last week to an accident.
I told her about your site because I think you set an amazing example of strength to parents everywhere- especially those whose children have moved on from this life.
After reading today’s post, I hope even more that this friend of a friend will stop by your site and find some comfort amidst her tragedy.
I don’t even have my own children yet, but I still want to thank you for proving that new happiness can be discovered even after old happiness moves on.
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You are an inspiration.
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How wonderful for you to have those posts, although they will make the tears flow (mine were flowing just reading your blog entry)
Many people do not understand about online groups of friends. I still get a tad embarrassed when i explain to people that some of my best friends started as a Mums group online!
They are the ones we can turn to, who know all our little silly tales – and thankfully, for you to be able to access all those old posts, you can share those memories again.
Hugs
Justine
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I read that post twice. Beautiful.
Jane
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how lucky you are, sheye…
love, love, love you, one who i now call my friend!!!
d xx
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Sheye – you have made me cry again. I remember when you wrote that and at the time, it took my breath away. It has again tonight. I often think of Ava and see so many delightful images of her in my mind. I remember with smiles your DESPERATE search for the Twingy! I remember when I first saw her in the Green Retro dress. It made me want it! I remember the laughs and the fun that forum gave us all. I remember the incredible support of the wonderful women who rallied in the dreadful days and weeks to follow the news of Ava’s accident. I will always remember Ava. And I will always remember you and your whole family. I want to thank you. And finally, I want to tell you – I love that photo of you laughing!! Love it!
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Sheye.
So glad to see you Happy.
So glad you still see the beauty around you.So glad I found your blog. You’ve teached me more than you know…
Lots of love.
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hey sheye – i looked at target, but no such luck. maybe because it’s american target? where are the other places you have found spotties? thanks
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Sheye~
You. Inspire. Me.
Like no one else ever has.
With Every. Single. Post.Thank you so much again for being you, for being honest, for being real.
You are awesome.
~ Jamie Wolma
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A new kind of happy. Such a poignant and beautiful sentiment.
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I hope your “new happy” is glorious.
xoxo,
melissa
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Lucky beyond measure… is what you are… and how I feel to be able to know you.
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beautiful….
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So bittersweet but so beautiful. You have such a way of expressing your feelings so simply but eloquently. I remember too well the days before we lost our daughter vs. the days after. I just wish I had written about those ‘before days as you had. It’s hard to remember what I was like before. Our new happiness is still colored with grief but we have found our way over these last 4 1/2 years. Our 3 year old talks about her big sister up in heaven and sends her balloons often. Even though these conversations are filled with pain, I am so happy to be honoring Wrigley’s memory. You have done such a wonderful job of honoring Ava’s. Blessings, Robin
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As always you leave me speechless Sheye, and thats quite hard to do ;)
xoxo
Eden
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I love seeing in frames, I love the beauty in the ordinary, I love my camera, I love that when I see images I hear too. I love the latelight, I love finding moments I didn’t imagine and I love creating moments I did. I love learning more every day, I love sharing what I’ve come to know, and I love making pictures pretty.
I’m so glad you stopped by. xx
I love your words. They make me think in a way that I haven’t ever done before. I love that I have learned from your experiences. every mom wonders “what if?” and you have been through the “what if?” and are just one of the most remarkable people to be so open and honest and full of beauty. I think about you often and wonder what I could say to let you know that if I ever had to go through something like you have been through, I would hope to do it as beautifully as you are. I hope that isn’t offensive. I realize that the depth is incomprehensible. My words fall short. Just know that you are amazing.
(also, I am curious about your husband’s name because our son is named Crayton and I haven’t heard the name much and have never seen it spelled the same way. Is it common in Australia?)