Today I feel:

totally and utterly derranged with sleep deprivation after Ivy spent the night bed hopping and wailing, for the second eve in a row. She might be very small but she has the power to turn the entire household crazy. Amazing.

Today I see:

stormclouds and bedhair – it’s a really bleak day here in Brisbane. No photo action for me so I’m off to a swish city salon at lunchtime to redeem the bedhair.

Today I need:

SOOOO many things from PMA. (Well specifically an Eizo monitor and a slick Wacom tablet). It was exciting and inspiring and amazing – product overload, in fact. Kate and I sat at the dinner table last night sighing over all the glossy brochures and wondering where to begin. I met lots of familiar names – it was so much fun to recognise faces I’ve seen on the internet!! Conventions are exhausting but before we’d even left, I wanted to go back.

Today I want:

to laugh and laugh (or possibly cry??) because of my conversation earlier today with Mason that went like this:

Mason: “Mum, are you happy with how my face looks?”
Me: “Absolutely! Your face is perfect! Why?”
Mason: “Well I’d like to ask you for something.”
Me, perplexed: “Okayyy“.
Mason: “Yes, I’d like to get Pro-active“.
Me: “Mason!! You don’t need that!! It’s for when you don’t have beautiful skin like you do. It helps to make you look better then“.
Mason, eyebrows raised. “Ohhhh. I seeeee! Like if you have moles and wrinkles and stuff?”
Me: “Mmm, kind of”.
Mason, helpfully: “Well maybe you should get it then Mum?”

Oh, the power of advertising. And, oh, the unknowing cruelty of a seven year old.


Today I hope:

I can get on top of email one day soon..As always, I apologise to those I’ve neglected..thankyou for the all the beautiful, beautiful email that is sent my way.

S xx

{Image kindly taken by Angie after I fell on my butt mid-shoot on Saturday}.

Along the way, you might have heard me mention MSF, a small forum I’ve belonged to since 2005. What started out as a group of shopping obsessed women became an amazing place of friendship and refuge to share stories about our familes, our work, to ask medical advice (although eventually we had to make up a rule with that one that said, simply, “Do Not Google”!) Much of our conversation still revolved around shopping for beautiful kids clothes but much of it didn’t too. I always thought that these women really were much more than just forum friends and I got to see that first hand in February last year. At Ava’s funeral, some of my MSF friends travelled from all over Australia to be there…It was amazing to me then, it still is now.

The original MSF forum closed just after Ava’s accident, for numerous reasons, and in the process I lost a lot of what was akin to many journal entries about life with Ava, in the “Old Universe”. Just recently, the forum administrator was kind enough to re-open the forum and allow members to access their posts.. I have only just sat down to do this the past week, to start to read over those entries. I was so happy to see I had almost 500.

I couldn’t help but go straight to my last entries prior to losing Ava..nothing stories really, silly, banal anecdotes.. But really, to read them now..they’re so much more than that. I can’t explain just how confronting it has been reading my own words, in that other universe, where I sound so light? so happy? so soft? I don’t sound like me. I’m this completely different, untouched person who had no idea that her life as she knew it was ending.

When I first read those entries, I cried so much, realising all over again just how much I’ve lost. It’s such a hard thing, to peek into the old World and see how completely perfect life was.. to see my name beside these posts and read the words I’m sure I did write but they just don’t sound familiar. My new happiness is so different to the old happiness I knew. It’s there, it’s just so different.

This is part of a post I wrote in the days after losing Ava.

What I can tell you is that being here, in my worst nightmare, in every Mothers worst nightmare, is that God..or whoever it is…was clever when he made us. He knew to wrap us tight in a little bubble and to just make it all blank. I am there and I’m walking and talking and breathing and I don’t know what the next moment holds or if I can ever get through this or why it was us. I do know that the very second, the VERY second I saw her I KNEW. I have been mourning her since Saturday and while I know you all prayed so hard and wanted so much for it to come out okay, I already knew. I am writing this today because I don’t know if tomorrow will be the day where my World starts to crash down and then what? Do I ever take another photo? Do I ever smile again?

It’s not easy to read my words from that week..we were so deep in shock and I remember the sheer terror we felt, not being able to process the reality or the finality of it all.

Today I am simply grateful that life has gone on, that we continue to adjust ever so slowly and that we still work hard at creating happiness in our new World..To carry on seemed so impossible back then..but we did, we surived that first year, with so much thanks to those who’ve supported us and continue to. There were so many days in those early months that brought us to our knees, literally, but it is incredible just how much we really can withstand..way beyond what is believed possible.

What I do know is that the truly difficult days of our lives change us more profoundly than anything else. When I meet people who appear less than happy, who are harsh or unkind, I have so much more respect for just what they may have endured along the way. I am so grateful that because I still have a wonderful husband and three beautiful children here to laugh with and because of so much love and support from so many people, I am finding my new happy.

How lucky am I?

S xx

A good week lies ahead..

We’re getting together our ideas for the renovation – I love thumbing through my big old folder of tatty magazine pages that I’ve sighed over for months now – I’m so excited to see it all starting to come together. We have some really special ideas for “Ava’s Garden”..I can’t wait to share them when we’re finally finished. (Or am I deluding myself that there is actually ever a finish with renovating??)

Kate, Fran and I are heading off to PMA later in the week – should be interesting as I’ve never been before. Nothing like a whole exhibition hall filled with all things photo.. Bliss!

Jen arrives on the weekend for a flying visit..It’s never long enough but I can’t wait to just hang out for a night and catch up side by side.

And, honestly, I’m just loving every single day with Ivy at the moment..Not that I don’t always love all the days with all my three but she’s particularly gorgeous right now..saying lots of clever things and being very cute and bossy all at once.. I’m actually looking foward to her non-kindy days this week! Here she is in the garden the other afternoon..I love the flounce off in the last one.

S xx

I’m not doing so well in the blogging stakes this week, am I? Life is just too, too busy. Still, I’m really enjoying having the office where I can get a lot done in a short time and be able to foucs on home stuff when I’m well, home. It’s been a good change. I will post some photos of my little space as soon as it’s looking all pretty.

Actually, Kate did come to help with decor type things the other night but we managed to set off the security alarm four times in the process. After having to flee down the 80 meter hallway with a horrendously loud screamer/screecher/howler device thingy going off and expecting the SAS to jump out any moment, we were a little too adrenalin filled to try hanging curtains.. We’ll attempt it again soon, with the security pin number handy this time.

Thought I’d share some boy pics..Mr Luca collecting berries and last weekend while waiting to meet a friend for fishing..Turns out we were waiting on a pier about 3 suburbs from where his friend was. I never was good at directions, espescially when it comes to piers. That’s manstuff.

xx S

Every day, we negotiate big and little things that pop up and make us miss all over again. Like every single time I see a girl Ava’s age. And when I see my three children chasing one another, squealing. And like when I dare to peek into Ava’s wardrobe…

Anyone who loves the clothing brand Oilily will nod with instant knowing when I say “Kimono Twingy”. It was the skirt. You know, that long ago sold out one that you just have to have..irrespective of cost or absolute unavailability.. hence in 2006 I went on a one woman mission to scour the entire World for it. I seriously did ring places so far away that the shop assistants did not speak English (yet magically knew enough to understand Kimono Twingy). I was possessed and I would not rest until I had that carnivale of a skirt in my hands. I just knew it was meant for Ava. For twirling in at all the birthday parties she’d attend..For overdressed trips to the supermarket. For any given event that required a two year old dressing to impress, really. I gleefully imagined other Twingy loving mothers needing to know how on Earth I found one. Yes, it was ridiculous (and so much more-so now) but oh how I yearned to own that skirt.

When I stand and look in Ava’s cupboard now, I always pause at that skirt. My eyes sting and I catch my breath and I remember just what that one item of clothing represented for me..the falling in love with this silly skirt, the endless chase and the glorious victory. It just seemed to caputre everything I loved about finally having a girl..The color, the whimsy, the twirl. My absolute love of shopping for Ava..from before she was born. How could one piece of fabric hold so many emotions and expectations? I don’t know, but it did.

While it will never be worn to the birthday parties I’d imagined, I did put it on her for our 2006 Xmas card photo..pinned to stop it falling to the floor. I could have shown the more perfect images, the Hallmark suitable ones..but I like these more.

xx