Apr

Real {10000 words or less}.

….”What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?” “Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.” “Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit. “Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.” “Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?” “It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.” …..
- The Velveteen RabbitI thought I’d start today with this gorgeous book excerpt from The Velveteen Rabbit, sent to me by Jen.

It is the day after the night before, and the night before was hard. I glimpsed the wrong thing on television and it set the tone for the rest of the evening. It, grief, can take you unaware and with such severity it steals the breath out of you..Between the television and the kitchen, I paused to sob. It’s not the first time I’ve felt I could fall through the floor with the weight of immeasurable missing but still..the intensity of it is so overwhelming in those moments. I do know though, the after holds a little more peace..as if the tears bring a calm with them and a little reprieve from such raw grief…if only for a while.I will share something, a “quiet secret” as a friend calls them…I have found that it has become much harder to openly share my bleak moments, unless I happen to write on those really bad days. When we first lost Ava, there was no break from

the bleak..it was constant and unrelenting so I never paused to consider just how intensely personal my writing was. Over a year later, it’s become much more difficult to include the sorrow so openly – the shock has worn off and there are times I do wonder just how much is “appropriate” to share..So, this is why I shared Jennifer’s quote tonight..because ultimately, I am just trying to be honest and, well, real. I could leave out the hard days, skirt around the sorrow, imply that all is well and make my blog light reading but the honest truth, the bare facts, the real, is that some of the moments in my days are. just. awful. It is what it is.

I do sometimes fear sounding dramatic. But losing Ava is dramatic, isn’t it? It would be so wrong to carry on with a facade that everything is okay..when it isn’t..not now..not ever. Not the okay I used to know anyway…perhaps a new kind of okay, some of the time? I’ve said so often, the loss of a child is not just life changing, it is person changing. Losing Ava has made me who I am today. A completely different me to the one prior. In many good ways and some not so good. I cannot pretend otherwise and I promised way back when that I would continue to share the good, the bad, the indifferent – and I will – even when it gets hard. For Ava.And for Ava, something else. As often as I can, in the footsteps of another grieving mother I know, I will share the Beauty Full bits in my day. I was told the first week after losing Ava that the biggest offset to paralyzing grief is appreciation – even just a little – for what remains. I do believe it to be true so, here are just a few of todays Little Bits of Beauty Full…

- Kate and I shopped the entire day away and indulged in the most luxe camera bags that look nothing like camera bags until you open them up.- I had a beautiful email from a wonderful photographer, Elle Moss, who’s work Hush speaks directly to my soul. Thankyou Elle and thankyou again Jen for sending me little bits of comfort.

- Luca and I did a last minute dash to the shops, at his request, for new shoes and as we left he looked at me and said “Mum, you’re the best. And I mean that.” This is rare for my eldest and it made my heart sing, even if I did buy the display of affection.- Finally, Sussanah’s monthly dose of fine music landed in my postbox. Happy happy joy joy.

Love

/ NEXT POST

kristen says:

Ohh Sheye who would expect you to feel or write any differently.

Who are we to judge what you’ve been through or are feeling.

I’ve seen it first hand with the grief my mother in law still experiences every now and then and her daughter passed away nearly 30 years ago (aged 7).
Sharing your thoughs good and the not so great days has helped so many of us truely appreciate our lives, our loves, our children.

I’m so grafeful, so very grateful that I now have you and Ava in my life through the world of blogging.
You’ve helped me more than you could possibly know.
Thank you.
Angie (Angelica Grace Designs) says:

Sheye,
I don’t even know how or what to say here other than you and your daughter have changed me. I stumbled across your blog while researching photography things. I too, love an honest and candid photograph-especially of my own children. I happened to read a few of your updates and noticed how you would mention Ava and the loss of her. I came back to your blog several times before reading far enough back into your archives to realize what exactly had happened to little Ava. I found it yesterday afternoon and my world has since changed drastically. After sobbing for several hours, I finally picked myself up and decided that people need to be aware of this possibility or “fact” that this tragic, horrific, life changing ordeal, could happen to any one of us as parents. I am guilty of leaving my car doors unlocked – always. Today is now different. My vehicle is now locked up in my garage. We have two children, one son who is 9& a daughter a few months older than your Ava. I decided to post your story on my blog today. I pray this is ok. I used photos you had taken of Ava in order to place a face with her story. I truly feel that all parents in this world need to hear your story and change their innocent ways as well. Who would’ve ever thought about something like this happening until it actually happens to them. (or until we read your story)

In some of my toughest moments in life, I go back to a quote that a dear friend once gave me. It is posted on my desk in my office. It reads like this:

There are years that ask and there are years that answer. In the end, God never “wastes” pain.

I pray that those words help you today – even in the littlese bit. I cannot begin to fathom what your day to day is like. What I do know is that I commend you for being such an impeccable mother, for being so strong and yet so weak. I commend you for your transparency that has allowed so many others to learn through you and your and Ava’s story. I commend you for just being you.

Always keep your face toward the sunshine and your head held high. Ava is dancing up there as we speak – just waiting on the day when she can show you her ballerina skills again. Keep on “keeping on” for the sake of her memory and for your other children.

You have moved and inspired me today and forever.
Blessings, Angie Seaman (Indiana)
http://www.angelicagracedesigns.com/blog/
http://www.angelicagracedesigns.com
Stephanie says:

I appreciate your voice and your honesty so much.

I don’t know you, haven’t gone through what you have, but reading your words gives me a deeper compassion for others.

Thank you for being so real.

I’m so sorry you lost Ava… xoxo
Precious Pink Pumps says:

You are changed. I miss you and yet, I am changed too, so we are both changed in a changed world where there are no maps, no signs or how-to manuals. Yet, you are more real to me than ever, more familiar than ever. Who would have thought that we would know these lessons, these roads, these challenges just mere months ago? Carefree, laughing, anything possible, so content? It’s just a new world and I will always be here to help you navigate when you need to hold my hand. Love you immensely. x
Kaz says:

Sheye,Your honesty and sharing of everything as it is..is one of the things we love about you and we would want it no other way.You would never “ever” sound dramatic.The loss of Ava is beyond dramatic..its just unimaginable really xoxo
Vanessa and Kara says:

Kara spoke of Ava today Sheye and she had a tear in her eye… I had to stop to pull myself together to sit and speak with her….

My point being that we met Ava on two occassions and yet, I find myself ‘missing’ her and thinking about her every single day.

You were with her for 3 and a half beautiful years and I don’t think anybody out there expects you to be “OK” all of the time, or any of the time.

You are so very honest with your feelings and I don’t think anybody can ever judge a person who exhibits such honesty. Nobody has that right.

That photo of Ava is captivating.

I suppose I don’t really know the new you ~ I can only presume what that is by what I read here….yet still, I find myself shaking my head and thinking you are just amazing…. that part has remained.
susan says:

shea. as long as it helps you, please don’t ever stop sharing your ups, and most importantly, your downs. they are real and they are right. there is no right or wrong way to grieve–our grief is as unique as our thumbprints. you face these difficult days with incredible grace and we are all better people thanks to the touch of your sweet spirit on us through your writing and images. as i’ve said before, you inspire me daily in my career as a grief counselor. love and thanks to you.
sweetsalty kate says:

Write whatever is in your heart, and please don’t spare us the darkness. By getting it out into the light you take away a little of its power, I think, and you do the same for those others like you (like me) who need to know we’re not alone.

Thank you sheye. Your words and visions are always so beautiful, as was Ava.
Melanie A says:

Oh, Sheye- your words today reminded me of why I love your blog so very much. It is so real…and so raw and so important. Although I have never lost a child- I lost my mother when I was a teenager and I know grief is an ongoing and complicated process. So many people think that the first year is the hard part and then you “get over it” and its life as usual. I think it is important for people to know that grief is not a journey with a definitive end- it is cyclical…breath-takingly painful at times and bittersweet at others. Somedays it is a distant memory- while the next day it can be mindboggling and soul-wrenching. It is a confusing, painful, thought-provoking process, and I don’t think I have ever seen someone capture those complicated feelings so perfectly in words as you have, Sheye. I hope you keep sharing your grief journey b/c it is an important reminder to the rest of us to love and embrace what we have- and I hope it is a little healing and cathartic for you as well. Ava’s spirit burns bright.
Melinda says:

There is beauty in sharing your grief. The hearts that help you along the path, the people who “get it” (and I wish there weren’t so many). Who feel like you speak to their own grief. Real is beauty full. Even when it isn’t pretty or neat or easy. Thank you for sharing.
Melia says:

Oh Sheye I am so sorry that you are having another difficult time. I wish that I had better and more comforting words at this time.

You are a different person after a loss like you had and each day shapes us to hopefully be a better person. Not better because of loss, but sometimes our losses can strengthen us to help another.

When you share about your loss and your bad days I am saddened for you and grateful to you at the same time. Grateful to you for reminding me of my loving husband and children.

What a blessing that you are able, although it is difficult, to find happy things in each day. You have a family who loves you and friends to comfort and cry with you.

Here’s to hoping that today is a better one.
dani says:

you know, sheye, it’s ok to sob; it’s actually a gift. for, without water, nothing grows…
love and prayers,
dani xx
Allison says:

Sheye,

You don’t know me but I have followed your blog for a little while now. I actually found it on the anniversary of your sweet baby girl’s departure from this life. I want you to know that you bring power to my life. You make me want to be a better mom. You remind me that everything could change in the blink of an eye. You remind me to take every moment in and to take nothing for granted. I pray for you and your family. And I know that you will see your beautiful Ava again. I know it. Thank you for sharing your hard day, I learn so much from them. As I sit here in the USofA, I feel your pain. And I also feel your joys. Thank you for inspiring me!

Allison
Joneel says:

I am amazed at how many lives you have touched through your blog. The way you express your feelings touches all of us. THANK YOU for writing about all of it. Good and Bad. That’s what makes it so REAL
Kelli Eudis says:

Your words are ALWAYS beautiful and REAL. The bring tears to my eyes every time I read them.
joel and amy says:

Sheye:

I so appreciate your honesty and your realness! I am green with envy of your ability to share the most raw thoughts and feelings in such a beautiful, stunning way. You have taken an awful tragedy and turned into a gift for so many people all over the world!

Even though this is not the path you would have chosen for yourself, be proud of the fact that you have become a teacher in your journey. You have reminded me and many others what really matters. I cannot thank you enough for all of your words..
Kiera says:

I love how real you are. Very few are. Reading your blog gives me greater appreciation for my own kiddies. It makes me a better mother. Thanks for that!

Nice camera bag BTW, you very much deserve it!
Robin says:

God bless you Sheye. I have never met anyone who grieves as I do until I started reading your blog. I hope that you don’t mind but I quoted your latest post on my blog. I am so grateful that I have been able to meet you via the web. What a blessing it’s been.
Stephanie says:

Sheye,

From one grieving mom of a toddler daughter to another….thanks. Thanks for putting down the truth for those who will never have to bear this unbearable pain. I too desire to be honest about this journey, yet at times it is easier to let the tears hide.

Your blog is a place I come to relate and see my own pain shared.

Sincerely,
Stephanie
camille says:

who sings “here comes the sun” on ava’s memorial site?
diane says:

Thanks for sharing your authentic self with us. You are real because of the love of your beautiful child.
Maleny says:

I admire you so much, Sheye. We’ve never met and yet you and Ava are often on my mind.

I just cannot fathom the enormity of the days you have to get through, but I can feel some of your pain when I read your words. Your blog is the one I come to more often than any other blog I read. It is so real. I wish I could find the courage to be as honest about things in my own life, as you are of yours.

Love from Norway
xx
HappyWifeHappyLife says:

Sheye,
Even though I don’t know you, I will be praying for you and your family, that God may wrap His arms around you and fill your heart with peace and beautiful memories of your precious Ava.

Blessings to you.
erin says:

Please don’t ever stop being real. Your unfortunate reality helps me be a better mother- particularly on the days that I just want to run screaming far away from my two little girls. I am a good mother, but I have bad moments, days or weeks. Reality checks always help me get through it and straighten up. Please continue to share your joy and your sadness and don’t feel any guilt.

Erin
Anonymous says:

camille, I believe its Nina Simone.
You can find it on YouTube.
Its really beautiful.
The Mumma says:

After we lost Noah , i would trawl the net for any site I could find to read stories of other peoples loss, I needed to know one day I would be ok..people in real life don’t always know what to say to you or if they should say anything after a certain point and I just wanted to talk about it and there wasn’t anyone so reading peoples websites was my only outlet..If one parent finds your website and finds that she/he is not alone and that one day things will feel better ,, its worth it.
Pink Lemonade Boutique Bags says:

Each of your readers has so eloquently expressed what I have been thinking after reading your post. Like so many, I too have shed so many tears for you and for Ava.

Thank you for trusting us with your Ava and your feelings, even the raw and dark ones. Thank you for allowing us to grieve withyou and be a part of your life. Please know that your “re al” self is what draws so many to hear your story.

I pray that our collective tears, prayers and well wishes will help bring you comfort on the not so good days.

Caroline
Em says:

Every time I look at your blog I’m amazed. I’m amazed at the beautiful pictures you take and I’m amazed at your strength as a mother and as a human being. You are raw and you are real and you can’t deny yourself that or anyone else. You help people on a daily basis to know that it is ok to have one of those days that its ok to hurt its ok to wish you could go back in time but can’t. Thank you for your candidness and not being afraid to be who you are and inspiring other people to not give up no matter how hard it is to go on sometimes. You are beautiful. Thank you so much for being willing to share the good with the bad.
dee says:

Oh Sheye ,
I wish I could write as well as you. You interpret your feelings into words in such a way I can’t describe. I’m not sure why your story and little Ava has effected me more than other losses I have read . I feel pain for anyone who looses a loved one. Maybe it’s I have a Daughter similar age , and can relate. Maybe it’s we are both photographers. Maybe it’s in her mothers writing I have got to know little Ava. Maybe it’s because she reminds me alot of my Fia. Maybe it’s all of things. I have spoke about her to family, and her story. I know each second of everyday you must think of her. I know from your words what a great mother you are. I hope you know that litte Ava has touched my heart and so many others even if we are on opposite sides of the world.
Dee…
pakosta says:

Sheye,
that photo of Ava is just so beautiful! I hadn’t seen that one before.
I am so sorry that you have this pain in your life, that nobody should ever have to have. And I am so grateful for your sharing and honesty because it has truly been a blessing in my life and the lives of so many.
Just be you…and thank you for that.
tara
Janelle says:

Forget what’s “appropriate”. If you feel it, write it. I may be young, & anything I’ve gone through may not compare to what you have, but everybody hurts, & for me, writing it down helps.

This is entirely irrelevant, but the excerpt from “The Velveteen Rabbit” reminded me of when I was in the school musical, & me & all my friends sat around & listened to another friend read the whole thing aloud right before showtime.
Rach says:

Thank you for this honesty. It’s so stunning when the shock finally wears off and you’re left with a life more empty.

I know about having fewer bleak days and then being SMACKED with one so suddenly. I was taking internal stock the other day and realized I’ve posted so few pieces recently that dealt with what I was actually feeling.

Once again, I’m so sorry for your loss, just so sorry.

(The Beauty Full list was quite lovely. :o) )
Elisabeth Nixon Photography says:

Thank you for being real. I watch for new posts from you almost daily – because whether your words are carefree and lighthearted, or written with pain and longing – and though I don’t know you or Ava, I feel like you’re giving us a glimpse into your lives – your REAL life. I heard this song today and thought of you immediately – not sure why, but I wanted to know that whenever you do come to mind, I pray for you and your family. http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/superchick/beautyfrompain.html
Hollie says:

Sheye, I love this photo of Ava. It’s one that I’ve never seen before. She’s just beautiful.

Not a single day goes by that I do not think of Ava, or you or your beautiful family.

Love to you all – I’m sending hugs and prayers your way.
Tanya says:

Sheye, you don’t ever need to explain yourself!!! You continue to write about the good days & the hard days if that is what you so wish!! because of your blog many people’s lives have changed in one way or another because of you!! I heard “here comes the sun” this morning on my way home from dropping the kids at school… I immediately thought of Ava!! as you said “losing Ava is dramatic” but you’ve never once sounded dramatic to me!! I for one love your pure honesty!!!

So happy that you had a Beauty Full day shopping with Kate… and those camera bags are just gorgeous, and know that you are the “greatest” because you just are!!!!

Lots of love Tanya xxxx
D & A says:

Please keep being “real” Sheye!
sara says:

Thank you Sheye.. Thank you for sharing this REAL lovely story.. I’m going to share t too.. And try to tell the world that real “it’s a thing that happens to you”

Thank you.. Thank you.. Thank you :)

I love you Sheye.. I love you, Ava & the rest every single day :)

xoxo
Belinda says:

I am just a random reader of your blog (for a little while now). But I really appreciate your honesty. I have often said that for the most part, when we hear about those tragic events on the news, within a week we are back to living our normal lives, whereas the people in the news (such as your family) have to live with it for the rest of their lives.

THe honesty that you share in your blog allows those of us who have no experience with that type of grief to just have a little more understanding and to appreciate those around us a little more.

Of course, I wish you had never had to experience that in the first place. But thank you for sharing.
juz says:

What a beautiful quote Sheye, and your words are just as beautiful.

I know what you mean about how it becomes harder to share your true feelings as time goes on.

It’s 10 years for us now,and although I think of my Rowan every day, he is rarely mentioned.

Thankfully, my children are still young, and they talk normally about their older brother, whom they never met.

Only today, my 9 year olds friend said something about being the oldest in her family and CJ said ‘No, Im the 2nd oldest. My brother Rowan is the eldest, but he died when he was a baby.’

And you know – that made my day :)
Anne Bente says:

Sheye.
You don’t sound dramatic AT ALL. Not for a day.
You have been throught the worst nightmares of all, and even then your foots are planted on the ground, and your thoughts are clear…
You are just AMAZING, Sheye.
I still can’t understand where you get it from, the straight…

Love Anne
Anne Bente says:

Sorry, Sheye.
Meant your strenght, of course.
Sussanah says:

Real love felt by real people.

It doesn’t have to be pretty, it doesn’t have to be neatly packaged. It doesn’t have to be understood, by anyone other than you.

Love, love Luca’s ‘and I mean that’, because quite possibly he had been fibbing every other time.

and Jolene honey, it’s my pleasure to bring you the tunes.

xxxx
Little Sweethearts says:

You write from the heart Sheye and the heart doesn’t leave out anything: sad thoughts, happy thoughts, sorrow, joy,…

It’s your blog, it’s your heart that’s speaking. By just listening I become a better person.

Tania
lippy2790 says:

I have not left a comment in ages, cause the real me just feels that I do not have the words… the words to let you know that it is an important thing, a part of Ava’s legacy to remain real, be real (even if the real is so very different to what you have ever experienced before)… so you be real however you want, whatever is real to you.

I wish I had the right words to say Sheye. As I kiss my boys and princess each night at bed time, I often think of you. You make me realise that no matter how kid like (AKA mental lunatics) the kids are during the day, that at the beginning and end of the day, and every hour and second inbetween, those 4 kids are mine, and I am very blessed to be their parent. Thank you for opening my eyes to my greatest blessing
Love to you and your family
Jacq x
muralimanohar says:

You write whatever you want. It’s not for other people to say how you should grieve.
rebekah fox says:

Thank you for all you’ve shared. I came across your blog a while back, after buying something from belle &boo… when i first read about what happened to Ava i was in tears and it’s moved me so deeply…. i don’t even know what to say in response to it… i can’t imagine what you’ve been through. But i am grateful for your honesty… you express things in such a clear, poignant way.

Ava seems such a beautiful child and though i didn’t know her she’s captured my heart. Your photography is stunning – both of her and your other children. It is real and raw, in the same way as your words and it inspires me.

I am thankful to God for how he is using something so awful, for good…. and i pray he continues to do so and that you would know his comfort. Blessings, becky
Anonymous says:

I’m glad you are able to share your feelings with us all. I have followed your story for so long and have lost a brother and sister in the past as well. And somedays, it just hits me. And it’s ok. I stumbled across this blog that has captivated me like yours has. You should check it out.

audreycaroline.blogspot.com

–Praying for you in Indiana, USA.
sumi says:

If I could express myself as eloquently as you can I would write what you have just written. I really do relate.

Thanks for encouraging me to be more real by being so real yourself.

Hugs. Ava is gorgeous. I am sure she and Jenna and Rachel’s Hanna are having fun being little princesses in heaven.
DenimAngel says:

Sheye, I admire your honesty, that is how it should be. Continue to write from the heart.
Your daughter Ava will always be beautiful. Your photography is breathtaking. I have only recently started reading your BLOG and am touched beyond words. I will continue to read and hope you don’t mind I have added you to my contacts.
Thankyou,
Susan
Jen Gallacher says:

Monday, April 28 is the one year anniversary of the passing of my oldest son. I feel it every day even though it has dulled and doesn’t diminish me to incapacity any more, I will always feel it. Your words speak to my own sorrow. Thank you for sharing!

Newer Comments →

Real {10000 words or less}.

62 shared sentiments

Leave a Reply Cancel reply