Real {10000 words or less}.
….”What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?” “Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.” “Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit. “Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.” “Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?” “It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.” …..
- The Velveteen RabbitI thought I’d start today with this gorgeous book excerpt from The Velveteen Rabbit, sent to me by Jen.
It is the day after the night before, and the night before was hard. I glimpsed the wrong thing on television and it set the tone for the rest of the evening. It, grief, can take you unaware and with such severity it steals the breath out of you..Between the television and the kitchen, I paused to sob. It’s not the first time I’ve felt I could fall through the floor with the weight of immeasurable missing but still..the intensity of it is so overwhelming in those moments. I do know though, the after holds a little more peace..as if the tears bring a calm with them and a little reprieve from such raw grief…if only for a while.I will share something, a “quiet secret” as a friend calls them…I have found that it has become much harder to openly share my bleak moments, unless I happen to write on those really bad days. When we first lost Ava, there was no break from
the bleak..it was constant and unrelenting so I never paused to consider just how intensely personal my writing was. Over a year later, it’s become much more difficult to include the sorrow so openly – the shock has worn off and there are times I do wonder just how much is “appropriate” to share..So, this is why I shared Jennifer’s quote tonight..because ultimately, I am just trying to be honest and, well, real. I could leave out the hard days, skirt around the sorrow, imply that all is well and make my blog light reading but the honest truth, the bare facts, the real, is that some of the moments in my days are. just. awful. It is what it is.
I do sometimes fear sounding dramatic. But losing Ava is dramatic, isn’t it? It would be so wrong to carry on with a facade that everything is okay..when it isn’t..not now..not ever. Not the okay I used to know anyway…perhaps a new kind of okay, some of the time? I’ve said so often, the loss of a child is not just life changing, it is person changing. Losing Ava has made me who I am today. A completely different me to the one prior. In many good ways and some not so good. I cannot pretend otherwise and I promised way back when that I would continue to share the good, the bad, the indifferent – and I will – even when it gets hard. For Ava.And for Ava, something else. As often as I can, in the footsteps of another grieving mother I know, I will share the Beauty Full bits in my day. I was told the first week after losing Ava that the biggest offset to paralyzing grief is appreciation – even just a little – for what remains. I do believe it to be true so, here are just a few of todays Little Bits of Beauty Full…
- Kate and I shopped the entire day away and indulged in the most luxe camera bags that look nothing like camera bags until you open them up.- I had a beautiful email from a wonderful photographer, Elle Moss, who’s work Hush speaks directly to my soul. Thankyou Elle and thankyou again Jen for sending me little bits of comfort.
- Luca and I did a last minute dash to the shops, at his request, for new shoes and as we left he looked at me and said “Mum, you’re the best. And I mean that.” This is rare for my eldest and it made my heart sing, even if I did buy the display of affection.- Finally, Sussanah’s monthly dose of fine music landed in my postbox. Happy happy joy joy.
Love
62 shared sentiments
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Like so many others, I’m thinking of you Sheye, and wishing that all the thinking and wishing could change everything.
Ava looks superb in blue. I’m guessing that’s a rare picture for the pink princess!
Love,
Jane
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With all my love,
Sylvia xx
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Please continue to share your bright days and your dark days with us. You are keeping your darling daughter Ava’s memory alive through your words. We can’t help you through your unreal days but know that all your readers are praying for you, your family and especially for your angel girl Ava. Love and comfort to you always.
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Sheye
Keep on being real, for you are real and so is Ava.
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Sheye-
goodness, your words touch me in ways you couldn’t understand.
Since my miscarriage (thank you so much for such a wonderful heart-felt message) I have had days that I’ve just felt overwheming grief… days that not being pregnant anymore just aches more than I think I can handle. And as the rest of the world seems to be carrying on, I’m daydreaming and yearning for a baby I never had the opportunity to hold… that I never had the opportunity to kiss. I cannot say that I understand what you are feeling because every woman experiences grief in a different way but I do know now, more than ever… that in grieving there are good days and there are awful days~ and I praise you and thank you for sharing the bad. By doing so- you are helping women like me confront our bad times too and we know that being “real” is best… that accepting that things are not always perfect is a good thing.
I truly understand what it means to feel good one minute and be under the covers sobbing the next.
Please continue to share your pain when you feel it necessary because it is posts like these that help so many others in the same way that this one has helped me.
Thank. You. So. Much.
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Dear Sheye,
Thank you for allowing me to read your words. I found your blog last week and you and Ava have changed me forever. I am still struggling to make sense of how someone as beautiful and full of life as your precious girl could be anywhere but with her mum and dad and brothers and sister. Of course you know it doesn’t make sense, it never will make sense.You are in my thoughts and your blog is now in my favourites and I will be following your journey for as long as you care to share it. I have cried for you dear Sheye, I have cried just trying to imagine your pain. I know you will never stop missing your darling girl, she will always be with you. The world is a sadder place for her loss and mothers who read your words all hold their children a little bit tighter and take a little bit more time to cherish the precious moments.
That is Ava’s gift to me and to my children and to their future children. The flow on effects will still be happening in generations to come. Thank you Ava, darling girl, rest in peace.
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Being real is what we all love. We feel your hurts, and thoughts and your sorrows and I’m so thankful you are letting us all in on some level. I didn’t know Ava but I feel a sense of peace when I look at her pictures – she’s a captivating little girl. Thank you for being real and open. Don’t stop. Hugs & Kisses, Kara
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The voice you have given to your grief is such a gift to so many people. The first time I read your blog I stayed on for almost an hour immersed in Ava’s story. The way I mother my own children has forever been changed because of the brave and honest way you have have opened your life – you have reminded me to take time to cherish them daily. Thank you.
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I don’t comment on your blog very often, but I have a link to your blog on my blog. I check in with you regularly. I love that you are real. Real is beauty. I have not lost a child, but I have gone through some life-changing situations this year and continually find myself describing my new self as more real. God bless you.
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Sheye-This is my first time coming across your blog, and I’ve been hooked! You write so beautifully, and I love that you share you honest feelings…I found myself tearing up and couldn’t help but think about my own 2 year old little priness that has big beautiful brown eyes as well. I had to sneek into her room, lay my head down on her pillow, and watch her sleep. Thank you for reminding me never to take her for granted. You are such a strong woman. Your story has left an imprint on my heart…
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I have so enjoyed reading your lovely things, and even though these are older posts, I have noticed that you write often of things that are “Beauty Full.”
You have probably already found it (as you have such exquisite taste!) but if I had an extra lotta money right now, I would send you the most amazing sign from here right now:
http://www.sugarboodesigns.com/galleries/antiquesigns/
I want the same one that I would send you: “Life is Beauty Full.”
Thank you for reminding me that it truly IS.
Love to you and yours.
Keri
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I love seeing in frames, I love the beauty in the ordinary, I love my camera, I love that when I see images I hear too. I love the latelight, I love finding moments I didn’t imagine and I love creating moments I did. I love learning more every day, I love sharing what I’ve come to know, and I love making pictures pretty.
I’m so glad you stopped by. xx
At some point each day I think about you, and I think about Ava. Most days it is a simple thought: “I wonder how Sheye is today?”, and I picture Ava… Some days I realize the reality of it all. It really sinks in… this is real, not just a “story” about someone around the world, who I don’t really “know”. It is real. My heart heaves in those moments. I then realize I am experiencing a tiny, tiny, tiny bit of the real reality, and it hurts all the more.
What is so beautiful about you is your ability to share all of it… the good, the bad, the real. It snaps me out of my silliness many days, and makes me re-evaluate everything.
Thank you for being real. For being Beauty-Full.
jbxo