Tagtime again, thankyou Ms Carrie. Now it’s six things of quirkiness about me. Hmmm.

1. If I’m looking for a stapler I make the motion with my hand until I find it.

2. I always leave a smidge of my dinner, no matter how hungry I still am. Don’t know why. (Note, does not apply to dinners where ice-cream is the main ingredient).

3. If I’m feeling shy I’ll do my best to appear aloof. (Is that a quirk or just a brave admission?)

4. I cannot go to sleep with a mirror in my room, for many years when I had one I would turn it around before bed. (Wow, now I sound nutty. Or very unattractive.)

5. No matter how cold at night, I absolutely must have the fan on high speed..I just increase the blankets.

6. Being the all or nothing woman that I am, it fits that I would never, ever don a bathing suit in public yet I’ve been a model for a brazilian waxing course. Yes, multiple persons waxing at once. (Did I just admit that? I think I’m blushing.)I love the words hush, magnolia, honey and luxe. I won’t list the ones I loathe because I can’t bear to type them. (Okay well phlegm is one. Shudder.)

7.

Oops, did seven. It’s alarming when I thought I’d struggle and then I can’t stop.

Now I’m tagging -

Jenji.
Ms Jinky.
Queen Krysta.
Sarah Jane.
Kate
Susannah. Oh no wait. She don’t do that.

Lastly, the essential image. I couldn’t possibly do a post about quirkyness and not include Angie. Aint she purty?

Here’s Miss Delish shakin’ what her Momma gave her.

Love,

**Edited to add, re your question about the new watermark Dani…(Funnily enough, my first version of this post had a lengthy explanation about your very question!)

In recent times, some of my images have been taken without approval and potentially used in ways I would never agree to. Of course, I have no problem whatsoever with people using photos from this blog to go with their own blog entries that honor Ava and her memory – in fact I am incredibly grateful that people so kindly take the time to do just that. My new watermark is more in response to problems I’ve had at Flickr than anything else but I do have to make it very clear that permission is required for use outside that purpose..

So, in answer to your q Dani and all who’ve taken images for blog use, please don’t worry, I could never be upset that someone was sharing Ava’s light :) S xx

….”What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?” “Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.” “Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit. “Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.” “Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?” “It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.” …..
- The Velveteen RabbitI thought I’d start today with this gorgeous book excerpt from The Velveteen Rabbit, sent to me by Jen.

It is the day after the night before, and the night before was hard. I glimpsed the wrong thing on television and it set the tone for the rest of the evening. It, grief, can take you unaware and with such severity it steals the breath out of you..Between the television and the kitchen, I paused to sob. It’s not the first time I’ve felt I could fall through the floor with the weight of immeasurable missing but still..the intensity of it is so overwhelming in those moments. I do know though, the after holds a little more peace..as if the tears bring a calm with them and a little reprieve from such raw grief…if only for a while.I will share something, a “quiet secret” as a friend calls them…I have found that it has become much harder to openly share my bleak moments, unless I happen to write on those really bad days. When we first lost Ava, there was no break from

the bleak..it was constant and unrelenting so I never paused to consider just how intensely personal my writing was. Over a year later, it’s become much more difficult to include the sorrow so openly – the shock has worn off and there are times I do wonder just how much is “appropriate” to share..So, this is why I shared Jennifer’s quote tonight..because ultimately, I am just trying to be honest and, well, real. I could leave out the hard days, skirt around the sorrow, imply that all is well and make my blog light reading but the honest truth, the bare facts, the real, is that some of the moments in my days are. just. awful. It is what it is.

I do sometimes fear sounding dramatic. But losing Ava is dramatic, isn’t it? It would be so wrong to carry on with a facade that everything is okay..when it isn’t..not now..not ever. Not the okay I used to know anyway…perhaps a new kind of okay, some of the time? I’ve said so often, the loss of a child is not just life changing, it is person changing. Losing Ava has made me who I am today. A completely different me to the one prior. In many good ways and some not so good. I cannot pretend otherwise and I promised way back when that I would continue to share the good, the bad, the indifferent – and I will – even when it gets hard. For Ava.And for Ava, something else. As often as I can, in the footsteps of another grieving mother I know, I will share the Beauty Full bits in my day. I was told the first week after losing Ava that the biggest offset to paralyzing grief is appreciation – even just a little – for what remains. I do believe it to be true so, here are just a few of todays Little Bits of Beauty Full…

- Kate and I shopped the entire day away and indulged in the most luxe camera bags that look nothing like camera bags until you open them up.- I had a beautiful email from a wonderful photographer, Elle Moss, who’s work Hush speaks directly to my soul. Thankyou Elle and thankyou again Jen for sending me little bits of comfort.

- Luca and I did a last minute dash to the shops, at his request, for new shoes and as we left he looked at me and said “Mum, you’re the best. And I mean that.” This is rare for my eldest and it made my heart sing, even if I did buy the display of affection.- Finally, Sussanah’s monthly dose of fine music landed in my postbox. Happy happy joy joy.

Love

Today we saw Ava’s headstone finally completed. It has taken me so long to do this – I found it a near impossible task and many, many days I would attempt to sit down and put it together and not be able to.

How do you choose the best photo? How do you find the perfect words to say everything we feel about her, to describe just how special she was? It was just so difficult. The very act of having to design a headstone..for Ava…?

(I. Still. Don’t. Understand.)

I knew it would be confronting, to see it, but I didn’t expect it to be as awful and as beautiful as it was. Many, many tears later, we left..pleased that we felt we’d paid tribute to our darling girl in a way we think she would approve of.

Thankyou, 1000 thankyous, to Mandy for creating the illustration we have included and now hangs in so many homes around the World. It was perfect for the words we wanted and when I look at it, I also reflect on the past year and how much comfort those illustrations have given me at times. More than anything, I hope what we’ve created shows Ava’s beauty and her love of life.

It’s hard to post this entry tonight but I thought it would be nice to share the image we used for those who can not visit Ava’s garden. It is quite large and sits behind glass – it is truly beautiful to see in person. Please click to enlarge if you wish to read it.

With love

Oh, fresh babies :)

After making their grand entrance a tad early, Will and Ruby turned what would have been 40 weeks yesterday! The cutest little things, Will was a little more energetic and found it amusing to hold on to Ruby’s nose while she lay peacefully dreaming.

Be still, my beating heart.