Time can bring you down.
“Time is a companion that goes with us on a journey. It reminds us to cherish each moment, because it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we have lived.”
– Patrick Stewart
Time has been a healer, of sorts, in that it has slowly allowed us to adjust to a new normal. It has helped fade the past and blurred the shock between then and now. It happens whether we want it to or not and when I think back to those early days last year, where I begged someone, anyone, to tell me I would breathe again…I guess time has been a bittersweet gift.
There is a price to pay for adjusting even a little bit though. I find there are days I am afraid to think of my darling Ava. She slips into my thoughts and with terrible guilt, I quickly push her aside, so scared of pondering too long and having to realise all over again just what we’ve lost. I don’t mean that I ever forget her, that is simply not possible. I have just found a way to keep her tucked safely in my heart and carry her with me without the engulfing pain that was my constant companion for many many months.
Of course there are still hours where grief finds me and I have no choice but to remember, I mean really remember, and ache and miss and yearn. Where it truly feels like time has not passed and that my heart has not healed one bit. In all honesty, those moments scare me.
When I look at her photos now, I feel my heart race and I stare into her face and wonder if she really was here. I can’t imagine she was once beside me and I can’t imagine she is gone. If she walked back into the room, would there be an instant knowing, a bond unchanged? Would she run to me?
It feels so long since she’s been here.
Time keeps bringing new moments of importance. In a few days it is Luca’s birthday. I hate that nothing is as it was, that every reason for celebration is also a reason to mourn. I want Luca to share his day with both his sisters, just as he did two years ago.
I was so proud of her that day. Her dress, the Oilily Smick, was one of her favourites and kept for “good”. Carrie & Lisa sent hair bows and clips to match and she had so much fun at his party. I can’t help but approach the 17th with a heavy heart, remembering that day and as always, wish wish wishing.
29 shared sentiments
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Sheye, if Ava walked into the room, of course she would run to you, because you were her everything. I do believe that one day, in a different place, that moment will happen for you.
Your description of pushing painful thoughts aside is so accurate. We all have places we don’t want to go inside our minds, but yours is a much harder place to visit than most people’s.
Sending you lots of love. xxx
Kate in Tassie.
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Sheye, I’m new to you… I was sent your site because I’ve got a lost baby boy, too – and I’m approaching the one-year anniversary in a month or so. I know what you mean about the guilt of stifling those thoughts, sometimes – the memories being too intense, irreconcilable with everyday life.
I’m just so heartbroken for you, for Ava. You honour her so beautifully with your words, and your beautiful photos, and your wishing. I don’t think that will ever stop, because wishing is loving, and the love can/should never go away.. frozen in stasis, suspended, waiting for reunion.
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Sheye, I don’t know you, but I wish for you too. I wish and wish and wish.
Ava has touched so many lives, and looking at that photo I feel like I could just reach out and touch her.
Thank you so much for sharing her, and sharing you, with us.
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Sheye,
You leave me with tears in my eyes once again. I pray for you and your family SO often… but I know prayers cannot bring sweet Ava back. Many times, I pray for you to look to the future – to the Life Everlasting… and little Ava Angel looking down upon us all, waiting to meet us one day… And until your arms can hold her again, we will all hold her sweet memory in our hearts.God has a special place for you and your family in Heaven. Til then, she and God both watch down on us all.
All children come from Heaven… Ava just went back there too soon for our liking. I know nothing I say or do will ever make it better. I just want you to know that I love you & your family, and you all will remain in my thoughts and prayers for always.
Love to you and yours, and may God Bless You All. Take care,
Amanda (Photochick)
*A small child begged & begged her parents to be alone with her brand new baby sister. Not wanting to take any chances, the mother allowed her in the baby’s room alone, but with the monitor on. As she listed on the other end, the mom heard her daughter say, “Tell me what Heaven’s like – I’m forgetting.”
I thought of Ava when I read that…
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breaks my heart to read Sheye but I know she is watching over you and will never forget who you are as you will never forget who her. she will also be a part of luca’s party, she will be there and play with the baloons and other fun stuff, sneak around having a taste of that yummy cake of his before he, and she will laugh just as she has always laughed..
Maybe you can’t see or hear her but she knows that so she isn’t sad and she still wants to be there,and she is the happiest ever on that party with that beautiful dress she had 2 years ago, she can still have it, she made it grow with her, that’s how much she loves it :)
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oh sheye, i so wish i could bring her back to you. i can’t imagine how you must feel. i can’t imagine what it takes to go through each day. i just LOVE seeing photos of her esp when i hadnt’ seen them before. isn’t seeing each one like a new treasure?! thank you for sharing her and yourself with us. i have missed your posts lately>
hugs. oh, and one bond that is unbreakable and uforgettable is the one of a mother and child. especially a mother as good as you and a daughter who was so attatched to her awesome momma. of COURSE ava would KNOW YOU!tara
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Ava is your soulmate. Our children always are and always will be. No matter what separates us. She was and is beautiful. You have stated the complexities of grief so beautifully. We want the pain to ease, but we don’t want the memories to fade an ounce. Thinking of you, on all the days, bitter, sweet and bittersweet.
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Sheye, I read your blog regularly but don’t know you. And I certainly don’t have the right words to say to make things better. I wish I did. I wish too for you and your family. That things could be different and Ava would walk back in that door. And yes, she WOULD run to you. She would hug you like nothing before and she would tell you she loves you.
Thank you for touching my heart and reminding me each time I read your blog how precious our children are. I too have guilt but of a different kind. Of admitting I forget this sometimes.
I hope you find peace for the 17th.
Trina.
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Sheye, I enjoy reading your blog even though it is bittersweet. I was reading a book a few weeks ago and came across a passage that reminded me of you. As always, even though I do not know you, you are never really far from my thoughts. The passage is from the novel “these is my words”. Sarah Prine just lost a daughter and here are her thoughts…
“Mama told me it takes time, a long time to get over the loss of a child. but I don’t want to get over it, I want to turn back the calendar to when it never happened and al the future is sunny. I used to complain to myself that life was so boring, that there was too much laundry to do, too many noses to wipe. now there are not enough noses to wipe.”
xo
molly
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Sheye, I have read your blog many times, often with tears in my eyes, but I have never commented before….this time I just had to. I wanted to send you warm wishes from my heart, for you and your family, and to tell you that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Tabitha X
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She’ll be there.
Maybe not in person, but she’ll be there. Maybe you will feel her by your side all day and your heart will be light. That’s my “birthday” wish for YOU.
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Never have I felt words have such complete raw honesty, and beautiful warmth as yours Sheye. They are perfectly balanced, and that must be because Ava is your perfect gift and greatest loss.
I still look at her photos and feel like she is different.
Bless you Sheye.
Anna
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Oh, Sheye, I understand, I GET it. There are days when thinking of Hannah leaves me utterly breathless and others I’m afraid to think of her at all.
You were absolutely spot-on about time. Absolutely. I’m so glad to have found you, I only wish it were under better circumstances. Hugs to you and your family.
Rachael
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I understand your words so well. They speak what my heart has often felt. I remember clearly a day when after Teagan had died as I turned to my bed for the night I realized the day had ‘felt normal’ without her in it. I sat down on the edge of the bed and began to sob. My heart broke all over again. For I realized that time had gone on and life was still moving forward- without her. And the ache that filled my soul when that realization hit was as hard as losing her in the first place. I ached for her being gone…but I ached more in that moment because life felt ‘normal’ without her in it.
I understand how it is and I too wish I could make things different for you. For your family. I ache whenever we mark birthdays now too. My Ava turns 4 tomorrow. I can hardly wrap my mind around that fact. {Teagan died at just under 4 1/2.} The way a mind has to rethink wishes and hopes and dreams and never get the ending we desire is the greatest challenge I have faced. Teagan’s birhtday is March 18th. To me she is four forever. But my heart would give anything to hold her as she would be 11. A little lady I never fully embraced- even though I still hold her in my heart as close as I can each day.
Thank you again, Sheye, for sharing yourself so openly- pain and all. It’s not fair…but I hope you will feel Ava near you- as though she’s only a breath away. Whenever you bring her to mind.
Love, thoughts and prayers for you.
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Oh Sheye, Ava would know you! you are her Mumma always & forever… never forget that. My heart aches for you, this is such a beautiful photo! Hugs to you beautiful xx
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There is a Shakespeare quote that always reminds me of you…
“Why do you make us love your godly gifts, and snatch them straight away?”
Reading your words regularly makes me want to scream out of sheerest frustration and anger at the unfairness that is life. I don’t understand the concept of permanence and of not being able to turn back time and I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it must be to realize that this, in fact, is reality, time and time again.
And it breaks my heart to know that you have to feel guilty for breathing and surviving. Just reading your blog tears me apart and so, so often I wish that there was something I could do. I would do it.
Love,
Stef
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crying so many tears for you Sheye.
with much love.
jbxo
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We went away to a beach side national park last weekend, and my Charlotte (5) went missing. After 30 minutes of searching by 12 adults, the park rangers were brought in. Road blocks were set up, cars were searched.
I stopped breathing. My heart was breaking into little pieces. I thought of you, Sheye. Hoping and wishing that I would not have to deal with the depth of pain and longing that you have to deal with.
She was found after an hour ….hiding under a trailer after a tiff with her friend over a teddy bear.
Resurrection.
Love to you,
Jane
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Thank You, Stars – Katie Melua
Some call it faith, some call it love.
Some call it guidance from above.
You are the reason we found ours,
So thank you stars.Some people think it’s far away,
Some know it’s with them everyday.
You are the reason we found ours,
So thank you stars.There are no winds that can blow it away on the air,
When they try to blow it away is when you know it will always be there.To some it’s the strength to be apart,
To some it’s a feeling in the heart.
And when you’re out there on your own, it’s the way back home.There are no winds that can blow it away on the air,
When they try to blow it away is when you know it will always be there.
Some call it faith, some call it love.
Some call it guidance from above.
You are the reason we found ours,
So thank you stars.
Thank you stars,
Thank you stars,
Thank you starsIt has been a while since I last left a message on your blog but I think about you often. For some reason every time I hear this beautiful song, I think of you, of Ava and what a precious influence she continues to shower over the world.
“Life as it always does, moves on.” You have to heal. You have to live. You know what, I am sure she wouldn’t want it any other way. She will always be with you.
… There are no winds that can blow it away on the air,
When they try to blow it away is when you know it will always be there.
Some call it faith, some call it love.
Some call it guidance from above.
You are the reason we found ours,
So thank you … SuperprincessThinking of you.
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Sheye, your words move me every time to tears and give me thought to what I sometimes take for granted. You have such a special amazing way of describing Ava, I hope it is some comfort to you that people all around the world pray for you and think of sweet Ava.
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Sheye, I am humbled by your blog. I truly hope that my husband and I never have to experience the year(life) you and your husband have had to this last year(the rest of) BUT I hope that if I ever am faced with the the TERRIBLE loss you have faced, I have the grace and poise that you and your family have.
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Sheye
Once again you have given me the gift of your words. You have healed & renewed me more than you could ever know. You have replaced my resentment with thanksgiving & praise. You always make me want to be a better mama. I do not know you & never met Ava but I can never leave here without shedding a tear & being a better person.
Love you you
~Stacey
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like so many others have said before, my heart is always so heavy for you sheye. i just don’t know where your daily strength comes from. wishing you deep breaths and peaceful moments with all the lovely memories you have tucked in those scared spots inside. please take care. hugs & prayers from the USA. -tara
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I’m wish wish wishing along side you, darling… I love you.
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Sheye, Once again my heart breaks for you and your family. I have never met you or your precious Ava, but by pouring out your thoughts, feelings and love for her you are keeping your super princess Ava’s memory alive for all of us to share her with you. Your children are all very beautiful and I love when you publish more pictures of Ava. She is truly a beautiful child.
Our thoughts and prayers are with you all. XXXXOOOO
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Oh Sheye, I am only now visiting your site for the first time and when reading this my heart broke into what felt like a thousand tiny pieces and tears began to stream down my face. You have been so brave and couragous…. I wish that i were there to hug you on your blue day.
Much love, Fleur
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Sheye, we’ve never met but I feel like I know you so well. I lost my daughter as well much much much too soon. You have a way of putting in words what I haven’t been able to. You inspire me to write more about Wrigley when in the past I have been afraid to for fear of the intense pain it always brings. You’ve taught me that to remember her through my words is to honor her and her beautiful memory.
Ava will always be with you, watching over you, holding your hand, telling you that’s she happy and waiting for the day you’ll see her again. She is an angel to us all. Her pictures are beautiful and so are you.
Blessings,
Robin (from the USA)
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Sheye,
Everytime I am drawn to re-visit your blog, my heart just aches. I go back and read your posts, your ups, your downs…I just want to cry for you and with you and I am gently reminded to pray for you and your family as you continue along this journey of grief and mourning and, yes, also healing. There IS healing, in time…as a counselor once expressed to me, “Grief is like a road we can travel. We may move further away from the initial ‘point’ of pain, but it never ‘goes away’ [like some might expect for us to just ‘move on’ and ‘get over it’” Yes, we may “move on” as life demands us to, sometimes…but you never “get over” a person! There are SO many who care about you, who are praying for you, and I’m sure, who are doing what they know to support you. Know that you are thought of often – even by those who don’t know you!
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I love seeing in frames, I love the beauty in the ordinary, I love my camera, I love that when I see images I hear too. I love the latelight, I love finding moments I didn’t imagine and I love creating moments I did. I love learning more every day, I love sharing what I’ve come to know, and I love making pictures pretty.
I’m so glad you stopped by. xx
Oh Sheye, what an unimaginable burden of pain you have to endure, the idea that it is forever is what gets me every time and I never knew Ava and have only briefly known you. I love seeing new photos of Ava sometimes they make you feel as though you can reach out and touch her they are that good! Telling her story is an amazing thing because her legacy enriches everyone that has come to know of her.
Ally xx