We left. She wanted to go back and get something. She yelled and cried because I wouldn’t. Ten paces from Grandads, I could have just turned around. But I didn’t. I walked inside. Grumpy. She followed me, grumpier. She yelled the house down and Daddy said to go and get it. And she did. She turned around and walked down that hall. Crying and complaining.
Re-arranging. Getting rid of rubbish. Making the boys rooms look so nice. Finding Ava’s missing baby doll. Should I take it over to her at Grandads? She’d be so happy I found it. No, I’ll just put it aside for her. ”Crayte be careful throwing things over the balcony, look out for Ava”. ”Yes boys, you can swim but sunscreen first.” They laughed while I used too much and made a game of it.
Cashews. I had a hand full of cashews. ”BOYS. IS AVA DOWN THERE?”. What? Ava wouldn’t be down there? Why is Ava not where she should be? Why is Crayton calling her? He’s just been to Grandads. Why is she not there? Where on Earth is she?
No, no, it’s okay, it’ll be okay..Frowning.
Walking, fast. There’s Grandad. In front of the car. Where’s Ava? Where did she say she was going? What? But she’s not at my house? And only ten seconds later. There was Ava. In an instant, a split instant, I knew. Before I even opened the door, I knew. The shock and the terror and the chaos and the panic and the confusion. She was there and she was breathing but she was gone. I knew.
And forty eight terrifying hours ticked by before our adored girl, our sweet, longed-for Ava, slipped away.
For many months I’ve had these words swirling around in my head. I’ve pieced them together into some kind of story..a beginning, a middle and an end. Except the ending hasn’t ended. I don’t expect it ever will. The ending is so long and painful and drawn out..I suppose it’s not really an ending at all then?
Why do I need to share Ava and espescially these moments? I don’t know. Maybe I hope someone will come along and explain it to me? Maybe someone has the answer as to how that perfectly ordinary, sunny day could become what it did? We adored Ava, she was so loved and protected. It was just a normal day. We are good parents. How?
And there are so so many things about the 24 hours before her accident that were not normal. Just little variations, tiny things really, but one-offs. All piecing together to make way for our tragedy. Lining up ready to steal our child and our joy and our vision of the future. Just one thing…one thing different. I can’t make sense of it, it scrambles and blurs when I try to.
What has become clear to me though is that you can plan and hope all you want, you can imagine and presume and expect life to go a certain way but really, there is no watertight guarantee. All the days are “normal”. The happy ones, the sick ones, the bored ones, the tragic ones. I am no expert, I have less clarity than the average person but what I have found, because of One Normal Day, is this:
Live each day, every single day, with the understanding that one does not necessarily lead into the other. Hug your family. Tight. Put aside What Does Not Matter. Tomorrow could be a completely new kind of normal.
S xxx
