Jan

My heart skips..

an extra beat today. Because it’s February. Because I don’t want it to be. Because it seems so recently..Not too many days before today, I was oblivious. I was happy. I thought I was pretty lucky (and quite clever) really – 2 boys, 2 girls. All 2 years apart. But of course life gets in the way of gratitude on a daily basis and like all people, I whinged about the usual..sleep deprivation, school issues, wanting my house to look all perfectly perfect..

But then, on this day one year ago, I found myself in hospital with kidney stones. If you’ve ever had them, you’ll believe me when I describe the pain as very, very akin to labour without drugs. And just to really make it a competely gruesome experience, the pethadine I had for two days before surgery made me vomit until I thought I’d turn inside out.

I was so incredibly miserable and missed my family and normal days with them so, so much. All I wanted was to be healthy and to be home. The boys started a new school that week and I wasn’t even there for their first day. As I sat parked in a wheelchair with a dish in my lap one morning, I clearly recall telling myself that there was NOTHING more important than just being healthy and being with the ones you love.

When I did get home, I was grateful. I looked forward to getting completely well again and remembering what really matters. I didn’t know I only had two more days with Ava.

I feel robbed that four out of her last seven days I was not even at home.

I feel robbed that I sent her to kindy an extra day because I needed the rest.

I feel robbed that I let her sleep at Grandads the night before she left.

How I wish I could go back and sit with her, every second of that week…That month…For every single second of her 1263 days. Just to hold her and breathe her in and study her face and her hands and her big big brown eyes. To tell her she was my dream come true, my biggest wish granted.

But I cannot. I can only desperately try to recall every possible moment we shared, to stare at her photos until my eyes sting and to believe with all my heart that she knew, without a shadow of a doubt, just how much she was loved and what she meant to me.

As I walk through the days leading up to one year, I can’t help but replay that week..over and over. I can’t help but imagine.

If only.

/ NEXT POST

Jess says:

Sheye. My heart is aching for you. She loves you and is still with you. Don’t forget her. This blog and your memories show how much you love her.
Sylvia says:

Ava looks so happy in every single photo – she knew how loved she was, and it shows.
You are on my mind Sheye – every single day

BIG HUGS

Sylvia xx
Solange says:

Dear Sheye,
I just wanted to tell you how I think of you and how sorry I am.
My prayers are with you…

Solange
Anonymous says:

Dear Sheye

It’s not how you die, but how you lived your life that matters. And Ava lived hers with joy and love and warmth. Who knew that although herlife on Earth was to be painfully short, her impact would be so profound?

Wishing you all strength to celebrate her memories and legacies this month, and forever.

Kate F
Anonymous says:

Ava and Sheye.

A love story that reaches beyond time, and space, and physical worlds.

Ava and Sheye.

Our love to you and your family Sheye.
Anonymous says:

Sheye, you and Ava are very much in my thoughts this week.

Thank you for sharing your photos and memories of your beautiful Super Princess.

Hugs to you and your family.

Amanda xx
Shayne Hope says:

Ava knew.
E and T says:

Sheye, I must apologise to you, I will blame my pregnancy brain for writing an inaccurate comment I left earlier for this post. My mum actually pointed out to me that I had written that we will be releasing pink ballons on August 5. In fact we will be doing this on Tuesday, February 5 in memory of Ava, the Super Princess.
MrsPfeiff says:

Hi Sheye (and family),

I can’t imagine what you are going through and have gone through in the past year. I wish you didn’t have to do so. I wish it were a bad dream, one that you would wake up from soon.

I will be thinking of Ava, but also her family, this week.

Every photograph of Ava that you’ve ever blogged is proof that she knew she was loved.

Take care,

Karen x
Laura says:

I have been reading your blog since last February and never really comment. Your story just hit me hard because my daughter is Ava’s same age. I don’t know what I would do if I was in your shoes. I will tell you that once you wrote that you wish you would have laid with her in bed when she asked you and I now lay with my daughter more than I would have. And now this post. I am going to work on being with her more and telling her that I love her more often. You inspire me to remember that our time is precious and to use it wisely. I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I knew words to say, but I don’t. I just want you to know that you have helped me to learn to be a better mother and show my children my love more often.
Melissa C. says:

I am so sorry for your loss. I’m not sure why I stumbled onto your blog. My heart is aching for you. I can’t imagine how hard the last year has been for you. I will treasure the moments I spend with my children a little more.

Melissa
tammamcd says:

We’ve never met and I don’t even remember now how I stumbled upon your blog. I only know that you, your family, and your Ava have been in my heart since then. We, too, practice the “Seven Skirts” rule now. You and your sweet Ava have made a difference in this big world. Sending strength and peace, love and comfort to you and yours. Take care and thank you, dear.

Tammy
Leslie says:

if only’s…
they crowd my mind every day and night for the past 2 months.
you are in my prayers.
Desi says:

my thoughts and prayers, are always, always with you…
Jason & Jen says:

Breath taking photos of your sweet Ava. I can’t help but leave a comment. Last year I was pregnant while you were going through this & I would read your blog. I decided that if it was a girl I wanted to name her Ava (instead we have Kody). I’m like so many that have fallen in love with her face, her eyes, & the stories you tell of her. Thank you for sharing.
Anonymous says:

“What is this thing that men call death,
This quiet passing in the night?
‘Tis not the end but genesis
Of better worlds and greater light

O God, touch Thou my aching heart,
And calm my troubled, haunting fears.
Let hope and faith, transcendent, pure,
Give strength and peace beyond my tears.

There is no death, but only change,
With recompense for victory won.
The gift of Him who loved all men,
The Son of God, the Holy One.”

Hopefully these words will bring you peace, as they have me.

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