67 sentiments shared

Jan
12

All The Days Are Normal {A Beginning, A Middle but Never An End}


Such a normal day.

Thought I should stay in bed and let Crayton get up with the kids, still sore from surgery. Didn’t.  Thought about my new website..wrote emails..looked through toy catalogues.  Ava asked me to use the IQ and rewind the show on tv but we couldn’t find the remote.  We laughed while she scrambled to find it, me winding  her up, saying that it was just about finished and it’d be too late.  She watched it three times over.

In Grandad’s study she sat on my lap while I worked until I said “Sweetie Mummy loves having you here but I can’t see while your head’s in the way” and I put her beside me.  She played with the beaded heart.  She pulled out my craft supplies.  She asked what something was in the catalogue.  Over and over.  The same thing.  ”What’s this Mummy”.  And over and over, I told her.  Luca asking to rearrange beds.  He didn’t want to share with his brother anymore.  I said okay.

We left.  She wanted to go back and get something.  She yelled and cried because I wouldn’t.  Ten paces from Grandads, I could have just turned around.  But I didn’t.  I walked inside.  Grumpy.  She followed me, grumpier.  She yelled the house down and Daddy said to go and get it.  And she did.  She turned around and walked down that hall.  Crying and complaining.

Re-arranging.  Getting rid of rubbish.  Making the boys rooms look so nice.  Finding Ava’s missing baby doll.  Should I take it over to her at Grandads?  She’d be so happy I found it.  No, I’ll just put it aside for her.  ”Crayte be careful throwing things over the balcony, look out for Ava”.  ”Yes boys, you can swim but sunscreen first.”  They laughed while I used too much and made a game of it.

Cashews.  I had a hand full of cashews.  ”BOYS.  IS AVA DOWN THERE?”.  What?  Ava wouldn’t be down there? Why is Ava not where she should be?  Why is Crayton calling her? He’s just been to Grandads. Why is she not there?  Where on Earth is she?
No, no,  it’s okay, it’ll be okay..Frowning.

Walking, fast.  There’s Grandad.  In front of the car.  Where’s Ava?  Where did she say she was going?  What? But she’s not at my house? And only ten seconds later.  There was Ava.  In an instant, a split instant, I knew.  Before I even opened the door, I knew.  The shock and the terror and the chaos and the panic and the confusion.   She was there and she was breathing but she was gone.  I knew.

And forty eight terrifying hours ticked by before our adored girl, our sweet, longed-for Ava, slipped away.
For many months I’ve had these words swirling around in my head.  I’ve pieced them together into some kind of story..a beginning, a middle and an end.  Except the ending hasn’t ended.  I don’t expect it ever will.  The ending is so long and painful and drawn out..I suppose it’s not really an ending at all then?
Why do I need to share Ava and espescially these moments?  I don’t know.  Maybe I hope someone will come along and explain it to me?  Maybe someone has the answer as to how that perfectly ordinary, sunny day could become what it did? We adored Ava, she was so loved and protected.  It was just a normal day.  We are good parents. How?
And there are so so many things about the 24 hours before her accident that were not normal.  Just little variations, tiny things really, but one-offs.  All piecing together to make way for our tragedy.  Lining up ready to steal our child and our joy and our vision of the future.  Just one thing…one thing different.   I can’t make sense of it, it scrambles and blurs when I try to.
What has become clear to me though is that you can plan and hope all you want, you can imagine and presume and expect life to go a certain way but really, there is no watertight guarantee.   All the days are “normal”. The happy ones, the sick ones, the bored ones, the tragic ones.    I am no expert, I have less clarity than the average person but what I have found, because of One Normal Day, is this:
Live each day, every single day, with the understanding that one does not necessarily lead into the other. Hug your family.  Tight.  Put aside What Does Not Matter. Tomorrow could be a completely new kind of normal.
S xxx

67 shared sentiments
  1. Molly says:

    thank you. thank you for sharing your heart. my youngest has a double ear infection, that was our “normal” day today while daddy worked. i do hug them tight, especially after reading your blog.
    www{dot}mnmelmer{dot}blogspot{dot}com

  2. Scott, Heidi and clan says:

    lots of courage to do that. you are making people better by the experiences you share, making them look harder, love more and see brighter. in my prayers…..

  3. nomayne says:

    ever since i found you and your family, i have lived every single day knowing that it may not lead to a next. yes, i am more patient with my three kids and husband. i hope that piecing your thoughts together for this post has healed you in some way.

  4. Mishy says:

    I have tears welling up in the corners of my eyes, not wanting to come out, not wanting this to be your reality Sheye. Oh how I wish it wasn’t! you put it so beautifully… how most of our days are just like how yours started out… how normal is most days, how tragedy only takes a minute. Why you family was chosen to undergo so much pain, we will never know, but your words – your amazing, beautiful, intelligent and spiritual musings will forever place change in people’s hearts. We learn from you to disregard What Does Not Matter. Bless you Sheye. Ava is never far from my thoughts. Love, Mishy x0x0x0x0

  5. Sue J says:

    I wish there was some way that you could have learnt this life lesson less harshly, that you could pass on your far greater than average insight without having to lose Ava. It seems so wrong for you to give us so much, but have lost so much yourself. I value so highly what you’ve shared – the unthinkable is not impossible, there is nothing that can protect us and all we can do is be present in each moment, be grateful, love fully, say everything, do everything like there’s no tomorrow. You have changed me Sheye, it’s such a bittersweet gift, but I will be forever grateful to you for your incomparable generosity.
    love love love
    Sue
    xxx

  6. MrsPfeiff says:

    Hi Sheye,

    Since the end of November I’ve been a daily “clicker” of your blog, just in case you have updated it. I stumbled across your blog by accident (as a photographer very much wearing her L-Plates!!), and have been hooked ever since. The first night that I started reading, I did so for about 3 hours, when I was supposed to be doing other things in preparation of my son’s first birthday party. I couldn’t. It was like a book that I couldn’t put down. And once I had read so much that my eyes couldn’t see through the tears, I went into my son’s bedroom and held him tighter than I’d ever done so before.

    I have thought of you, Ava and your family daily since I started reading. I can promise you that each and every day I hold my son and appreciate him. I take pleasure in the small things, and I most certainly live each day more fuller than I’ve lived them before, and I have you and Ava to thank for that. I have learnt to look at the bigger picture, and not sweat the small stuff, thanks to you and Ava.

    I don’t know why horrible things happen. I especially don’t know whey they happen to perfectly normal, undeserving people such as yourselves. I wish that Ava didn’t have to go away.

    Thank you for sharing snippets of your world. You are in my thoughts very often.

    Take care,

    Karen x

  7. Michele A. says:

    My heart started to thud loudly as I started to read this, knowing what was coming…I found I was holding my breath as I got to the end. I don’t know what else to say other than I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. How could this be, that your girl is gone? How could this be? You must wonder this constantly. You and Ave are in my thoughts a lot.

  8. Shayne Hope says:

    It kills me to think of you and Crayton in so much pain and you having those words running around in your head.

    Much love you and yours Sheye,

    Shayne

  9. kathryn says:

    (((hugs)))
    You are in my thoughts daily.
    Thank you for sharing Ava with all of us.

    xxxkate

  10. Georgie says:

    You have made such a positive difference to so many people Sheye. I just wish with all my heart that your story was just a story.
    Always in my thoughts xxx

  11. Sonia says:

    (((((HUGS)))))))

  12. Anne Bente says:

    I have tears in my eyes, and I’m so sorry for You.
    Wish some part of that day, could turn different.

    Like many others, and as I’ve told you before- “Your normal day- That day”, has changed my understanding of life.

    It’s so easy to think it will last forever. Ava showed us it doesn’t.

    Again- I’m so sorry, Sheye.

    Thinking of you. Love xxx

  13. Brissiemum2 says:

    Thank you! That must have been so incredibly hard to write. It is just such an honest and heartbreaking recount.

    I have no more words. Just tears.

  14. Elizabeth Moon says:

    I’ve been reading your blog for a few months now. You are such a beautiful person.
    My husband was telling me the other day about how he sometimes reads political blogs and how terrible the comments people write can be. He said they are often malicious. What a contrast to the blogs I love to read! I was thinking about how kind, positive, and sweet every comment I have ever had on my blog has been. It is really a blessing in my life to be connected to such inspiring people, stories, and photos.
    You feel like a friend to me, and I want to share my beliefs, which bring me happiness and peace. I hope that isn’t offensive to you.
    Thanks for helping me remember to treasure every moment.
    big hug,
    Elizabeth
    (I’m going to leave a post on my blog just for you!)

  15. jglanzer says:

    This is why I love your blog. I need these reminders every once in a while. I should close down my computer and go play with my two daughters. . .

  16. Karoline says:

    you are so right, thank u for sharing this with us. I am so sad with you, feel that i love u all. ava is in my doughters room, in the nice picture, at her dress( button). she has touch us very much. I feel so so so sorry for you, the picture with youre hands together….says so much. there is so much love between you for ever. love from Norway, Karoline

  17. christy p says:

    Sheye,

    I check your blog all the time to see how you and your family are doing. You have gone thru something unimaginable…Even tho I knew the story, reading it again brought tears to my eyes. Please know that you are in my constant thoughts and prayers. Giving you hugs….

  18. Jody says:

    I had a similar story…one of loss of a little girl who was loved more than I dreamed any child could be. She was light and life and joy to our family- our ‘normal’, average family.You speak of little things that in hindsight, were out of the ordinary, usual “normal” for your life. Ours happened that same way. ‘Coincidences’ and such small details that led to a very tragic event that never should have happened. I too cannot explain it in any words that make sense. It is unthinkable- unexplainable.
    But such loss, such questions, such pain and hurt that cuts to my soul- has also led to a stronger faith. A more patient me…a more forgiving, understanding, authentic me. It makes me sad the this ‘better me’ has come with the ultimate price. And it still makes no sense to me- the “why’s” and “how come’s” go unanswered. But I have come to rest in and surrendar myself to the way things have played out in my life. I trust more fully and rely on God’s ways and His knowledge and love for me far outweighs anything I could ever imagine or understand. SO each day, I live- not knowing why and often times wishing things could be different. But trusting full well that He knows and is in full control. And one day, the story WILL unfold for me in eternity. And it will make perfect sense…and have an astoundingly beautiful ending.
    That is where my Hope lies in this lifetime…and how I have come to find Joy in the midst of such sorrow.
    Thank you for pouring out the deepest parts of you in such a way that it touches those who read it. Our hearts are changed forever. I truly believe Ava was a gift. And her life still continues to touch others- around the world.
    Love and care for you- everyday.
    xoxo

  19. ~j~ says:

    Dearest Sheye,
    i feel so intrusive reading your most intimate thoughts without personally acknowledging the gift it has been to me and obviously so many others. I somehow managed to land on your blog a couple of weeks ago drawn by the incredible photos you have so lovingly posted. It didn’t take much time to understand the depth of your loss through eloquence and images.
    This morning after reading your last post I pictured a dandelion that when blown gently by the one that holds it sends it’s seeds to parts unknown only to grow elsewhere and bring joy to others.
    Your memories and life with Ava, and your family have landed clear over the other side of the world and I thank you for allowing me to share in the joy that your precious daughter has brought you.
    Thank you for sharing the depth of your loving Mothers heart Sheye.
    You and your family are tucked forever in mine.
    ~julia~

  20. clinka says:

    As I do every morning when I get up, I checked for a new post from you. I saw the beautiful photos of you and Ava, two gorgeous girls, and prepared to read your wonderful words. Your words that always paint a magnificent picture… I got through the first paragraph, and I had to stop. I couldn’t read on because I knew how difficult it was going to be to read those words. How it took me three times to get through reading Ava’s memorial website. It just hurts my heart too much to read. I left it, knowing I would come back to it later. I just finished reading, and Sheye, all I can think is, if it hurts me, across the world, not “knowing” you this much to read it, I can’t fathom writing it, or living it. All I can say is Thank You, as always. By sharing all of you, and all of her you have bettered so many of our lives. My life has been forever changed from the first time I stumbled upon your blog. You have made me a better mummy, a better wife, a better person, every day. Please know we all hurt for you. We all carry her with us every day. I hope that helps somehow.
    With loads of love.
    Jules xo

  21. Lacey says:

    I am saying what everyone else has already told you. You and your family are an inspiration to sooo many people around the world. We are all hooked on what you will say next, or what photo you have taken. Everything you say and take is simply beautiful. Your family is simply beautiful.
    I always tell my husband you should write a book. Your words just tug at the heart and make us want to hear and see more.You have something special.

    I think your Ava was brought to you for a reason. I think she has touched thousands of peoples lives. It’s not fair, it’s never going to be fair. I feel angry for you. Then I look at photos you have taken of her and she is just so amazing and always smiling. Shes one in a million.
    I look at life a lot different after reading your blog. Thank you

  22. Moriah says:

    I am a photographer in NC, US. You do not know me…I wanted to post today and tell you that you have made my life by your blog one that has changed my life.
    Today, I had the courage to post to tell you…
    Your words have changed my life…
    more then you will ever ever know..

    Thank you.
    For sharing.
    http://www.moriahwedmonson.blogspot.com

  23. heartfulhome says:

    I think about you and your family constantly. I see Ava in my own little blonde boy and your experience has helped me see beyond the things that don’t matter. Thank you for sharing so much of your heart.
    -Ramona

  24. Melinda says:

    It seems the human heart must ask “why?” even when our heads know the answer can’t be found. It amazes me that Ava has reached so many hearts… many who have only known her “after”…. and that one small girl had a heart so big that she is changing hundreds of lives. Hugs and thoughts for you and yours.

  25. sylvia says:

    Much Love to you and Crayton.
    You are always in my thoughts.

    XXX

  26. joel and amy says:

    Sheye:

    I noticed that Jody Ferlaak commented on your blog today, which is odd because I read her blog, too. I have often thought that you two have a very similar kind of gift in sharing your loss with others. Most people in your situation would be unable to express their pain so eloquently…so beautifully really so that others are changed and humbled. I echo what others have said on this posting in that I have taken your life lessons and applied them in my daily existence. I look for the beauty in everything my 3 boys do…even when I am ready to scream! Because I am reminded of the lessons that you and Jody teach and share through your heartbreaking experiences, I for one am a better wife, mother, and friend. So thank you to both of you. You are angels on earth. xoxo Amy

  27. Anonymous says:

    so many thoughts but, still I am speechless…

    Thank you for the for the O so real reminder that life is frail, fickle and finite. Love today, live today, forgive and be thankful for all the “normal” today.

    in tears.

  28. Jodie says:

    Oh Sheye… This is the first time that I have heard about the lead up to the accident. OMG it WAS just a ‘normal’ day.. My heart is aching for you. Like lovely Sue J said ~ it seems so wrong that you have given us so much and for you to have lost sooo much yourself :(

    Thinking of you and your family as always..
    Jodie xxx

  29. Tanya says:

    Sheye, thank you for reminding us how quickly things can change, thank you for having the courage & strength to share your most deepest thoughts & feelings! Thank you for sharing the beautiful gift of Ava. You are always in my thoughts & prayers…

    Love Tanya xoxo

  30. LisaW says:

    Sheye-

    I stumbled upon your blog last week and not more than a few hours have gone by since that I have not thought of you..have not seen your beautiful Ava’s face. Your photos, your words..they are so powerful and you don’t know me…but you have touched me in more ways than just a blog post can express. Thank you for sharing your story so honestly.

  31. E says:

    Thank you .. for reminding me how fragile life is.. and just how quickly life can and does change.. We had a scare.. with my son the year before last.. we almost lost him to appendicitis.. it was crazy and scary I spent 2 weeks in the hospital by his beside.. he came home.. he is fine.. I needed your reminder today just how quickly life changes and how thankful I will be for days like today when we cleaned the boys room and watched movies together.. that those moments may be normal but each one special all the same.. thank you dear Sheye. thank you for sharing your story with us.. thank you for making me miss Ava a sweet girl I never met one that I Live a world away from.

  32. sara says:

    Dear Sheye,

    I’d like to start by saying thank you.. Thank you for sharing your heart out here.. I never forgot about Ava for a day ever since I knew about her.. Whenever I get to meet any mother, I tell her of Ava.. I told my siblings & family of her.. And of you.. And of what a wonderful mother you are :)

    As a muslim & in order for my faith to be true, I should believe in 6 unseen things.. I should believe in:
    (1) Allah (God)
    (2) His angels
    (3) His prophets
    (4) His revealed Books
    (5) The divine decree
    (6) The Day of Judgment

    And as for number (5), that’s what I wanted to share with you.. There are many difficult things in life that I face & get extremely powerless & unable to do anything about them.. I then turn to God & seek His Mercy & ask for tranquility to fill every living cell of my being..

    There is this other thing that I also wanna share here.. My favorite verse.. It says:
    “GOD never burdens a soul beyond its means: to its credit is what it earns, and against it is what it commits. “Our Lord, do not condemn us if we forget or make mistakes. Our Lord, and protect us from blaspheming against You, like those before us have done. Our Lord, protect us from sinning until it becomes too late for us to repent. Pardon us and forgive us. You are our Lord and Master. Grant us victory over the disbelieving people.”"
    Qur’an [2:286]

    Always remember that God NEVER burdens a soul beyond its means.. It’s all tests & tribulations that hopefully bring out the best us..

    And no matter what I say, I won’t be anywhere near your pain..

    May God grant you His peace & assist you in all you do for His sake.. And may He fill your heart with content & make Ava a way for you to His heavens.. Amen :)

    LOTS OF LOVE,

    sara

  33. Melanie A. says:

    Sheye- I don’t always take the time to comment on your blog, but your words always touch me so deeply. The experiences you share are so raw and so real… that they capture Ava’s life and your journey with grief in a way that stuns me. Thank you for sharing with us. I wish you and your family peace, happiness, and blessings everyday. Ava’s light brightly burns on…God bless you.

  34. Laureen says:

    oh Sheye, this was so hard to read, knowing how much it had to hurt you to put it all into words. My heart is breaking, thinking of you gathering up the strength to type this and push the post button.

    You know how much you mean to me, and like others have said, you’ve made me a better person, and Ava has as well…her legacy will live on forever…but, it’s all just so unfair.

    Huge hugs to you my friend…will say an extra prayer for you all tonight…

    As for that spider post – are you trying to convince me not to come??!

  35. diane says:

    My eyes are filled with tears. Your words are like poetry, beautiful and haunting. We unexpectedly lost my 48 year old brother on Dec. 23. I have never felt such unrelenting pain. I’m sure it is worse for my parents. It is a terrible thing to lose a child at any age. Thank you for sharing your precious family with us.

  36. Vanessa and Kara says:

    I think many people now look at each day differently because of you Sheye ~ many children are cared for and raised differently to what they were 12 months ago. Many parents have more patience ~ if possible, they show more love and appreciation ~ toward their children. Thank you (and Ava).

    xxx

  37. Leslie says:

    thank you sheye.
    as i sit here thinking about what it took to write down the events of that day… i feel just a little bit more brave. i am not necessarily brave enough yet to face the world as i used to face it… but brave enough to finally share the events that have been replaying themselves in my mind millions of times in the last month and a half. the guilts, the regrets, the wishes… why didn’t i do this? why didn’t i say that? those questions are what i am trying to answer by replaying that day in my head. maybe they will never be answered, but sharing them… maybe that will help.
    what is ‘normal’? i just don’t know. but thank you for sharing what you did.
    please tell me… does it get easier at all? it isn’t for me yet. i just wonder if it will.
    thank you again.
    -leslie *

  38. Capture says:

    Oh Sheye –
    I come back from a weekend away with no internet access and I see this post. Like Clinka, I get through the first paragraph and the tears start to well and I think maybe I should come back to read it another time. But then I think to myself that YOU don’t ever get to do that…come back to it…it’s always present…always there …and so I read on and let the tears well and the lump form in my throat and again am surprised at how a family the world over has tugged at my heartstrings. I see responses from so many people and must share with you… I went to get a massage from a family friend when I was home for Christmas. She is a life coach, a healer, into mediation…all of it. We were talking about life and how it can change in the seconds and I shared your story with her. I told her how amazing it was to see people from all over the world give comfort and support. She shared with me that when tragic events occur, you will be amazed at how many people will come into your life to carry even the tiniest bit of your pain. So, in the moments when you feel a bit “lighter”, when you can laugh, when you find little bits of joy through the hurt, those may just be the moments when someone else is so graciously carrying bits of your pain for you.
    You may not realize it Sheye, but you really are an inspiration and you are so so brave. Thank you again for sharing your words, your pictures, and your Ava. You have given the world the gift of Ava and with that, people are better parents, they hug their kids tighter, they are more patient, they choose their battles, they forgive easier, and they appreciate the simple things in this life. Ava has changed people for the better. She has changed me.
    Thank you and God Bless,
    Krysta

  39. Lynette says:

    Your courage is beyond admirable. Thank you for sharing something such an intimate and painful part of your lives with us. We will all look at our “normal” lives much differently because of you and your Super Princess Ava. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  40. AnneMarie says:

    lovely words as usual… I have been thinking of you, your family and Ava even more recently…
    more hugs to you and your family.
    AM in Texas

  41. Anonymous says:

    Love to you and your family Sheye. Thank you for sharing more of Ava’s story. There are so many lessons for us all to learn in your words.

    Zoe x

  42. Tanya says:

    Big I mean Huge sigh!!!!
    My heart’s just. You know “just”.
    I come by and read into your world all the time.
    I cry over Ava all the time.
    I want to give you a big hug and tell you how proud I am of you.
    Of every step that you have taken since Ava was taken.
    So much courage..!
    Ivy makes me smile everyday!!
    I cherish my children more because of you!!
    Loves and hugs!!
    Tanya

  43. chesnye says:

    Dear Sheye,
    What a beautiful gift you have with words and photographs. I found your blog through my dear friend Amy, of Joel and Amy. Ava’s story has made a huge impact on so many lives around the world. You are such a strong person and have such a way of telling your story. Thank you for making a differnce in the person and mama that I want to be.
    Love,
    Chesnye

  44. Anonymous says:

    Dear Sheye.
    You are in my thoughts very often.

    Hugs..

    ellabella

  45. Anonymous says:

    You a an unbelievably strong person. I read your blog every day and you make me a stronger person.
    Thank you for posting every post.
    Kristi

  46. Anonymous says:

    “When hearts listen, angels sing.”
    Anon

    Listen … can you hear your Ava?

    She is making hearts all over the world listen.

    You loss is unimaginable. Ava’s gift is precious.

    Stay strong. Thinking of you.

  47. Kristina says:

    I was the girl you spoke with on the phone the other day … the one who recognised your name. I was very much aware of who you are and what you and your family have been through. I am in complete awe of the way you carry on and show such courage, even without your precious superprincess. My thoughts are with you now and always xx

  48. Sheye says:

    I am a little lost for words at the beauty shown here. Amazed, I truly am. Thankyou, 1000 thankyous. I feel so very blessed, even still.
    Love Sheye

  49. nikki says:

    It’s interesting that I don’t even know you but ever since I read your post about Eva 4 or 5 months ago, I keep coming back to your site to see your beautiful pictures and to hear the raw and heartbreaking honesty you so freely share. My heart hurts for you when I read these words and yet as a writer myself in some ways saying it, writing it, sharing it no matter how painful somehow makes it feel better even if for just one second. And one second of peace is worth all the trouble and heartache we had to go through to get it. You are a very strong and amazing woman from what I can tell. I hope you don’t mind my visiting your site from time to time. – nikki

  50. Danielle says:

    Sheye,
    I believe our children choose us for a reason. We aren’t privy to that but as mothers we sign an unwritten contract that our children come through us and are not necessarily here for the 100 years we wish they were. The normal days allow each of us to get up every day because if we knew what might be, none of us would get up and none of us would choose to have children. If we knew we had to give them back at a set time would you do it? I’ve pondered this and for me a day with Isabelle was a gift, to be chosen as her mummy was a gift and whilst I am broken, I’d choose this over never being granted her presence at all.

    Speaking these words, honouring her like you have is just the reason you were chosen to be the mummy of Ava.

    I send loves today and every day.

    Dxxxx

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