Stop all the clocks.
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the messages, She Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
She was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
- W.H Auden
In not too many hours, this year will have ended. Undeniably, the worst year of our lives. New Years Eve is normally a time of reflection anyway but this year it’s so much more significant…a huge part of me does not want this year to end. I do not want to have to say we lost our daughter last year. I fear that somehow it will seem to people that it might have a little less significance, be a little less painful, that time might have made a difference between “this” year and “last”.
I used to joke that I couldn’t keep using the excuse of having a newborn for forgetting things when the newborn was turning 2. How long can I say that I’ve lost my daughter “recently”. How long does recent cover? And if I can’t say recently, does that then mean that I’m supposed to miss Ava a little less or feel a little less broken?
I struggle so much with the notion that time is supposed to heal. I know to my very core that time will not heal our pain. Time will only make other people think it has. Time will show us what Ava should have been doing. Time will simply mark the hours since our adored daughter left and a part of us died.
When we first lost Ava, I would plead for people to tell me it would get better. I would seek out other bereaved parents who seemed to look “okay”. I couldn’t fathom that my life, my forever, would now include engulfing heartbreak every day. But it does. It’s awful and it’s uncomfortable and it’s unfixable. It is what it is.
I don’t want to move one second, letalone one year further away from my last day with Ava. I don’t want to think of her kindy friends starting school shortly. I don’t want to find her toys dusty or watch her dresses fade. I want the World to know that no matter how many New Years ring in, our pain and our missing and our yearning will never fade.
35 shared sentiments
-
Sheye,
It’s 4 years now since my darling daughter Isabella died, and I remember when it was the first New Years after her death, I was so pannicked, I didn’t want to be further away from the year she died. It’s almost like I wrote your post.
Grief is such a “funny” thing. I find it harder now 4 years on, because no-one mentions her name anymore and the shock of what happened has worn off now, and I can feel searing agony of my loss with every breath I take. I think for the first year or two I was just treading water, just getting through each day alive. You have such a journey with your pain ahead of you. Take it easy on yourself, you’re heading in to the first year anniversary soon, and the lead up starts a couple of months out,and is unforgivingly excruiating. Especially since Ava would have been starting school in 2008, just do what you have to do to get through this thick gooey fog.
Lindy
-
:’( I can feel your pain from here. It really does bring a whole new meaning to ‘new year’ for you.
-
sheye just keep that pink candle lit and keep looking in the clouds. i think of you and think of ava every single day. like others have also said before- my heart aches through your writing. aches for your pain and your loss. i am so sorry you have to go through this. i wish i could say more. i wish i could lend a hand.
-
Oh Sheye,
I read this at my grandmothers funeral. I was devastated when she died, she passed away in the middle of Ashleigh’s Easter Bonnet parade when she was in 1st class. I never really got a chance to say good bye as she was loosing it a bit and well, I was always too busy. One thing I can tell you about my Grandma Elvie is that she lost a son in 1990(my uncle Phil) when he was 33 yo to a car accident and in her later years her pain did not become less however she did said she seemed to ‘cope’ alot better with it – what she meant by that I am not sure.
Please know from me personally that I would never expect your pain to be less just because time has marched on. Ava and you guys are always in my heart. Those images of her are just so precious – please tell me you have them backed up somewhere.
Love to you all.
Shayne
-
Hugs to you beautiful, Ava will never be forgotten… we simply will not allow it, for I know she will always be in my heart, I think of Ava everyday! Love to you & your beautiful family xxxx
-
Sheye
I don’t believe for one second that time heals all wounds. I do beleive that over time we learn to cope & live with our loss, but we never get over it as such.
Thinking of you.
-
Sheye,
In my opinion recent covers forever! You are never meant to miss Ava less as time goes by. When I try to even imagine the loss of one of my munchins the thought of time passing only makes me think I would miss them more.Ache for them more. Loosing your baby girl will never be less significant whether it’s 2008 or 2028. And if people expect you to talk of her less as time goes on or miss her less they are people you don’t need in your life.
My hope for you and your family is that your spirit can slowly learn to deal with the pain, not forget or lessen for one moment the undying, unwavering love for your darling child. She is your baby girl whether she’s physically standing beside you or not.
Remember Sheye, I once told you your the mother of 4, you have 4 children, don’t ever let anyone tell you other wise.
Emma
-
Sheye,
Would never, ever expect any amount of time to EVER lessen your great loss of beautiful Ava
xoxoxo
-
Ava will forever live on in your heart. That is the only thing that matters.
-
I think of Ava and all the Rosemeyers every single day. I don’t see how I could ever forget such a beautiful family and I’m so thankful that you let us into your world and remind us that what matters most is those we love. My grandmother lost her only daughter in 88′. She was 32 years old and left two children and a husband behind. Still, nearly 20 years later, we talk about her, we cry about her and we laugh and smile about her. It’s not because we see her children and her husband that attracts the conversation – they all live across the country. We talk about her because we love her and enjoy the memories of her. I know my grandmothers pain of loosing her daughter hasn’t lessened, its just taken a different form. I know that you will never have to worry about your friends and family forgetting Ava, nor your online family either :). I think Ava will visit you in lots of ways everyday. Sometimes you’ll know she’s there and other days you may wonder – but I truly believe with all of my heart that they never leave our side, especially in our darkest hours. I wish you and your family a blessed and healthy new year; and I look forward to more stories about Ava, and the entire clan.
-
Thank you for explaining your feelings so thoroughly and honestly. Inadvertently you are teaching others about the worst loss any of us could go through and it will help someone, sometime, for sure. xo
-
Sheye,
I can’t imagine that it could ever get better. and I cant’ ever tell you that it will. I don’t know. And I can’t imagine ever thinking that you would “get over it’ that’s just not possible….just hang on to what you do have and at least at times you can be happy with them and remember ava and celebrate her life for always…you don’t ever have to stop doing that!
thanks for sharing her with us.
tara
-
Please know that you never need to qualify your loss with “recently” or “last year”, etc. Simply stating that you lost your precious daughter speaks volumes that most can understand and that brings tears to any mother’s eyes.
Time will not heal your loss. My hope is that one day you can exist without feeling that the physical pain of grief could quite literally take your life. It is possible. All things are possible.
Peace, Love, and Light.
-
I’ve had to have a cry now. Oh Sheye, my heart just breaks for you. It is as if the world should stop, just stop spinning, because surely it can’t move on when such tragedy has struck. I hope Ava keeps sending you small sparkly bits to give you small comfort. Thoughts and prayers of you and for you.
-
I cannot imagine your pain Sheye. I pray that you and your family will the happy times in 2008 and work through the tough times together.
Zoe
-
Sheye, I have not shared this with you before, but I lost both my beloved grandparents, my aunt and my 18-year-old cousin in a span of 3 years. In addition, my mother is seriously ill and our family has spent the last 3 1/2 years supporting her through many surgeries and just loving her and being happy she’s here.
My grandpa’s death 5 years ago was the start of my family’s “journey” and to this day, I still have moments where I feel like I have been punched in the stomach and I just double over with grief. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and then it hits me all over again that so many members of my family are gone and it’s like reliving the whole thing over again. I don’t think it will ever get better and I know that time has not lessened the missing, the longing, the sadness.
I won’t even pretend that my experience is the same as losing a child. I would never insult you or the memory of Ava that way. But I am telling you my story to let you know that is some small way I understand the pain and I understand that time won’t change the fact that our loved ones are not here with us.
It is our memories and our willingness to embrace the future that will sustain us until we see our loved ones again.
And Sheye, I need to say this again…thank you so much for sharing Ava and your beautiful family. You have enriched my life in so many ways… You remind me every day to cherish my two beautiful boys and to be the best mom I can be. I am eternally grateful.
Tami, Nevada, USA
-
each post touches my heart. i hug both my boys a little tighter at night wanting to sear each moment in my memory. i don’t have any words of wisdom to offer. i only wish i could in some way provide an inkling of comfort. the greatest gift i have is the knowledge that families are eternal and that you will get to see your darling Ava again. if you would like to chat my email is mnmelmer@gmail.
-
I’m with you Sheye. I am simply sittingg with you through this and I offer you my hand and heart.
Your words tonight are what is in my heart. As time carries us further along, we take our girls with us.
Dxxxx
-
I don’t know what to say, except that you, Crayton, Luca, Mason, Ivy and beautiful Ava have stolen my heart. Sheye, you have made me and countless others better mothers, better wives, better humans.
I remember vividly when both of my babies were born, realizing that one day they would be gone, and the thought was unfathomable. This life is so gorgeous, we can’t imagine those we love leaving it… I can only hope that each tear we cry for your loss, takes some of your tears away. I hold you a little tighter today in my thoughts.
jbxo
-
Sheye,
I can only imagine how hard it must be for you, to leave behind 2007, when you still had Ava. I imagine that as time goes by, the unfairness must seem to be compounded by the anniversaries and milestones that are missed. Thank you for posting that reality, because so many people believe that grief has a time line and after 12 months things somehow get better.
I’m just so sorry that you are having to teach us this valuable lesson in such tragic circumstances, in fact the worst circumstances.
I really do think you are inspirational and you have educated so many people through this blog.
I hope that 2008 brings you more ways to find little bits of peace and comfort, and more and more ways to remember darling Ava.
KateF-Tas. xxx
-
Sheye,
I know that I am not alone in saying I cant even begin to understand what you and your family are going through and the suffocating extent of your pain and missing of Ava. But I know personally that I can relate to how you are feeling.
I look back over my diary entries in February and it still feels like a terribly realistic and horrible bad dream. I can’t even begin how it feels for you and Crayton.
I do know that Ava will never be forgotten though. We still speak of her regularly at Kindy, and the artwork, photos and gardenias of hers in homes and gardens all over the world are proof that there will never be a day in the future that we see pink or polka dots and don’t think of Ava…..
I must also say that seeing those photos of Ivy in the lower posts bring a smile to my face. I would love to see the photos of her and I if possible as I never go a real chance to take any of us myself (mostly because I hate being in photos).
I tried emailing you a week or so ago but my computer is in an urgent need for a space upgrade and it is so slow I cannot spend more than half an hour on it before I reach the point of throwing it out the window so I never got too far along in the process.
I’d love to hear from you though. My email is jema_lee@hotmail.com.
My love and prayers to all and especially kisses and cuddles to Ivy.
Jema xx
-
As with everybody else, there is no way I would ever expect losing Ava to be easy or easier, whether it be 12 months or 50 years from now. Ava’s loss will always be massive and you will never be expected to act in any way. Nobody has the right to judge when and how another person reacts to any situation, particularly when such huge grief is involved.
A few months back, I met a woman who had lost her child (3 1/2) to drowning. She lost him 30 years ago and when her eyes welled as she was speaking of him and his accident, not for one moment did I think she should have “moved on” or “been over it”. She told me the way she exists changed forever that day but she now can enjoy life at times without feeling riddled with guilt.
As somebody who adores you Sheye, that is all I hope for you ~ that one day you can have some kind of happiness again.
xxx
-
Sheye,
Ava – our dear super princess will never be forgotten, nor will anyone who experienced your pain and journey expect you to act, think or feel in a way different to what you are.
AMEN to 2007 being the worst possible year ever – I lost 3 incredibly close family members within 8 weeks leaving my Mum to lose her whole birth family within 8 weeks.
Our lives are forever changed, our minds tick over with the memories we never want to forget, the pain increases and decreases within minutes and then the roller coaster starts all over again – with each birthday, anniversary of their passing, Easter, Christmas, expected milestone dates like starting school in your case.
Ava & your family are never far from my thoughts, every single day I think about you and I check your blog and after 10, almost 11 months, I don’t think that will ever change.
Love to you forever,
Mishy
-
Oh Sheye, I remember the exact emotions. We are approaching our 2 year mark in April. I would plead from others for the to tell me it would go away. It doesn’t. The longing won’t because you have physically lost part of you. I wish I could tell you “it” meaning grief gets easier, it doesn’t. The best way I can describe it is that you become stronger. The days go by and you find a little more strength to go on, to find a way and even manage a smile here and there. Be prepared for a fight, a long drawn out gruesome fight with your feelings of grief. I wish I could take it away. It’s not fair any mother or father feel these feelings we have to live through every day. It’s quite amazing how time can go on when your world feels like it is standing still. Much love to you and your family.
-
Ava will be forever young. She will not suffer growing old, she will never know any pain or sorrow. She is in a better place and is surrounded by your love and the love of God. Her beautiful life and sadly, your grief which you so unselfishly share, is a lesson for others; the knowledge that we only have the moment, now. Ava’s story and your honouring her reaches out and touches many, many more people than you could ever know.
Thank you for sharing your story and her life with us. Your pain will not lessen but you will become stronger, your heart will heal in places, except that one, and you will continue to move forward because that’s what a little girl would want for her mother–not to be too sad.
Never forgetting but always remembering and others will too. Thanks to you. God Bless and take care of you and your family xxxx
-
My heart. My stomach. My every bone and muscle. Ache for your loss. It will undeniably never heal. It saddens me more than I can express for your loss. I am so sorry for you and your family. I have three little angels of my own. I don’t know you Sheye but, all I can say is that you seem to be an amazing mother and woman. You loved your Ava and you so eloquently captured the moments of her life. I wish you peace. You will never be over it but, I hope that your heart does begin to heal. Again, I am so sorry.
-
sheye,
thank you for putting into words exactly how i am feeling. it has only been a month for me, but i am ALREADY feeling like people expect that time is healing me. so, the way you put that really hit home. thank you so much. i appreciate your words.
leslie *
(i am the one whose blog you looked at and commented on last week)
thank you again.
-
I can not fathom how much pain you are or will carry Sheye, it is my worst nightmare.
We will be here to share your tears & milestones.
Ava will never be forgotten x
-
Sheye… I think recently covers forever when its the loss of your child and I dont think anyone would ever think anything other than that. My heart aches for you and your family since the day I read of your loss.. Your Family and your sweet sweet girl have not left my thoughts always kind of dancing around in my head reminding me just how precious and short life can be… reminding me that no matter how frustrated I can get with my kids at times.. that nothing is forever.. that in a blink of an eye any of our lives can be changed forever.. Recently Sheye.. is forever.. for you it will always be recently and for us as well..
Elizabeth
-
I think of you and your family often. Over the past year I have followed your photography and loved reading your stories. You have touched my life (made me laugh, cry, understand, relate) even though we have never met and I knew we probably never would. When your darling Ava passed away my heart could not comprehend the loss. Simply trying to imagine the depth of the pain you and your family felt brought tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat. I feel sick when I try to envision the struggle you must face every day without her. I am so sorry. If there were a way I could possibly help you I would, but I know in my heart that everyone is powerless when it comes to such significant loss. In the face of that realization all I can do and say is I will pray for you. Every day. Each night. I will pray. God bless you and your family.
XOXO from Texas
-
Sheye,
I don’t think you ever get over it, you just learn to live with it.
We lost our first baby in 2001 and there isn’t a day that goes by now I don’t look at my lovely 4 year old and wonder how my first daughter would look now, and what kind of person she’d be.
Your a mummy of four and always remember that.
L xx
-
oh sheye,
i truly felt this post. felt it to the core. your words do not go misunderstood. i think of your family often, and still pray that while you are forced to spend some time away from your baby, that all of you will be together again, and that you will find comfort in that. the passing moments, days, months or years do not make this less in any form.lovely thoughts of comfort and peace drift and dance your way. not only from all of us, but from your angel as well.
best to you and your beautiful family,
martha
-
It will always be just recently. Don’t ever think anyone would assume you are ‘getting over’ your loss.. and don’t ever stop talking about her.
I stopped to think about you all at midnight on NYE and wondered how you would be feeling. I know though that I cannot ever fully fathom it. My heart just goes out to you all and hope that this year brings you many happy memories and Ava moments as you can fit in. xx
-
Oh Sheye! I have been away for 3 weeks but have been thinking of you all so much over the Christmas season. When I read this poem, I cried….I cried for you, Crayton, the boys and Ivy. I cried for Ava. I cried for myself.
The reason I cried for myself is that I chose that exact same poem for my mother’s death notice when she died just 3 weeks before Bronte was born. That last paragraph – well it really sums everything up doesn’t it?
I have said this many times before…how I wish I could make it all better. I really do.
Love k8
Leave a Reply
I love seeing in frames, I love the beauty in the ordinary, I love my camera, I love that when I see images I hear too. I love the latelight, I love finding moments I didn’t imagine and I love creating moments I did. I love learning more every day, I love sharing what I’ve come to know, and I love making pictures pretty.
I’m so glad you stopped by. xx
Sheye,
I never knew Ava, and I never knew you. But with every post you write, every photo you share, I feel the pain in your heart and I shed a little tear. I feel as though I’ve known your little princess all my life, and although I’ve never had any children of my own I have left my 2 year old godson and moved across the world. I cannot fathom losing him, and I cannot imagine how much you hurt. Please know that we cannot expect you to be forcefully happy because there will always be a void in your heart, and Ava will always be in all our hearts.
I truly do wish you the best.