While pregnant with Ava, I was addicted to Ebay. I’d found the perfect thing to feed my obsession for all things pink and well before she arrived, her cupboard was full. My user ID was Ava’s Armoire, French for Ava’s closet. I remember Mum just shaking her head in amazement at the dozens of gorgeous tiny dresses, all lined up patiently waiting.

I spent months and months preparing Ava’s room. I wanted to do as much as possible by hand..I am no Martha by any stretch but I was compelled to pour all my excitement and anticipation into that little space..I painted all of her furniture by hand – the cot, the change table, the curtain rings. I made little upholstered love hearts, searched for antique door handles and wore a path to the local paint shop searching out the perfect pastel pink . Crayton thought I’d gone mad and would roll his eyes at my non stop nesting…espescially after I announced I was not happy with my painting efforts and sent it all off to be professionally done! It had to be perfect.

Ava’s room has always been so much more to me than just a place for her to sleep – It’s contained all of my dreams and hopes and absolute elation at finally having a daughter. I spent many hours in that room before she arrived, wondering and waiting and imagining. Nine months. It took so long to go by.

The nine months since Ava left have gone so, so quickly. I’ve desperately wanted time to slow down, as the poem says – to stop all the clocks. I’ve spent many hours since February sitting in her room, still wondering and waiting and imagining but with an emptiness I struggle to describe. I can’t think about not being able to go into “Ava’s Room”. Not being able to peek into “Ava’s Armoire”. Not being able to see what she saw, for three years and six months. It’s too hard. So now I need to find new ways to spend time with Ava.

When we first found ourselves in this terrifying place, one of our social workers, Liz, said to me..”You have loved Ava in a certain way in life, now you just need to learn to love her in her absence”. Those words gave me such peace – a glimmer of hope that I would one day adjust. Ever so slowly, I can feel the transition. I don’t want to do it this way, I want to love Ava with her arms wrapped around me, big eyes looking up. I want to love her dancing in her tutu and I want to love her all sleepy in the morning. I will never accept that Ava not being here is okay but I will do everything I can to honour her memory, to somehow find peace in my days, to love her in her absence.

I wanted to share some of the special bits of Ava’s room.

Of course I couldn’t leave out her beloved “spottys”.

I guess it seems a little strange to photograph a pull-up but every mother knows that nappies and pull ups and underwear signify such markers in the life of a child. Ava only had one pull up left in the packet – she didn’t wear them that often anymore and said she was a big girl now and didn’t need them. Still, when I see that remaining pull up it makes my heart hurt, thinking she never did completely outgrow them like she should have.

Of course I have all her special things here, they will always be with me and I can look at them and remember but I realise now it’s so much more about the time spent in Ava’s room that matters most.

Such a rushed morning.
Nothing like I’d wanted.
Special things being hurridly packed.
No quiet reflection.
Driving away too quickly.
Not enough photographs.
Her Daddy looks broken.

But we are here. It’s strange and new and hopeful. The boys are so happy. We are the other side of the impossible and we are planning pretty things in honour of Ava. As always, one breath, one step, at a time.

I want to say thankyou, truly, for all your support over these past weeks. I always feel so bad that I can’t acknowledge all the emails I get…It’s a hard thing that when I’m my lowest, I get so much support and then can’t gather myself enough to respond to everyone. I’m sorry. Please know, it means so so much to all of us.

Well I feel like I’ve been swallowed whole in the pre-Christmas, post-move mahem and have so many posts waiting to write to catch up.

I’ll start with Ivish on her big day..sorry these are all closeups and none of the actual event. I wasn’t remotely inspired to capture the background of boxes and destruction that was our house on the 12th.

Doesn’t she look so happy in her princess frock. As soon as I saw those dresses lined up at the store, I took a step back, knowing there was no way I could purchase something so Ava. Not yet. And then I thought it’s just what Ava would have picked out as a present for Ivy and it made it okay. When I look at these photos and see her face and remember how much the little girls at kindy oooh’d and ahhhh’d when she walked in, I’m so glad I ignored the butterflies in my tummy. It’s not often I can.

(With Ava’s Belle and Boo brooch, going to kindy).

I wanted to show you this photo, as soon as I saw it I thought of Ava’s beach photo..they just have the same look and you get to see how similar their features are. It’s such a treat to see glimpses of Ava in Ivy. I can’t imagine the hole being any bigger but without Ivy, it would certainly be blacker on more days.

Today Ivish turns two.

I love birthdays. I’m a very sentimental person so have always made a big deal out of them…Without wanting to sound too Hallmark, I just love the whole concept of people celebrating the day someone enters the World. It’s special.

With that said, since having children, I’ve thought it’s not really right that we mothers dont get a gift on each of our children’s birthdays. After all…on that very day… we were birthing them. Surely it’s us who deserve a marching band, standing ovations and a little something from Tiffany? (I think I feel a tradition coming on).

We will give Ivy her presents a little later today and I will no doubt post photos of her and the gifts and the cheezels but for now, I’m taking all the glory.

Happy Birthing Day to Me.

Manana, for those who don’t know, is Spanish for “tomorrow”. It’s a word often used in this household and for friends and family who know me well, this will come as no suprise. I am an expert at avoidance. I am a professional procrastinator. So with that confessed, here are a few more images I’ve proofed from Allies shoot the other week.
I know I should be doing other stuff.
Billstuff. Washingstuff. Packingstuff.
But this is more fun.

Ivish. Now, aint she sweet?

And while we’re sharing images of Gorgeous Girls With Attitude, here is Miss Indy – my beautiful niece who is frequently driven nutty by my boys.