20 sentiments shared

Days Like These

On a good day..

I float.
I pretend.
I remember.
I imagine.
I smile.

On a bad day..

I fear.
I regret.
I disbelieve.
I tremble.
I rage.
I wail.

I’ve held off publishing this post over the last week..I thought maybe the days would improve just a little. They didn’t.

I knew this time would so hard but knowing and actually moving through it are two completely different things. Five days. In five days we drive down that road. We leave. We stumble in a new direction and we can’t quite make out what’s up ahead. As we get closer to moving day, time is speeding up yet our steps are slowing down..We don’t want to go. We really, really don’t. I said once before the thought of it wakes me at night. Well I’m not thinking anymore…I’m just doing..going through the motions, one box after another.

I wish I could just copy and paste Ava’s room.
I wish I knew that every single memory would follow.
I wish I needed a five bedroom house.
I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish.

1. Tanya says:

   This has to be so difficult for you. I don’t think I could do it. You’re so brave. I just couldn’t leave her room behind and her memories in the house behind.
   I hope that everything goes smoothly for you.
   I’ll be thinking of you!
   ((hugs))

   
2. SJD says:

   Hi Sheye,
   I have been reading your blog for a while now and have yet to comment because I just couldn’t find the words to express what I want to express to you. I figure I may never find the right words, so I might as well just write and do my best.
   First of all, your photography is absolutely outstanding. Every single picture you post is a feast for the eyes. Through your pictures alone, I can see your beautiful, gentle, creative and talented soul. The pictures alone are a gift, but when they are complimented by your beautiful, honest and heartfelt writing, this is when I find myself at a loss for words. You are truely amazing. Truely and absolutely.
   When you write about your children, or being a mother, you inspire to be a better mother. When you write about your daughter, Ava, I cannot tell you how my heart aches for you. I am so sorry that you have been forced down this path, and I wish you all the strength and happiness in the world.
   Good luck on your journey to your new home.

   Sara DeGrace
   Canada

   
3. Ami says:

   Dear Sheye,

   Like some of your other readers, I have been reading your blog for quite some time, but have not commented due to the fact that there is nothing anyone can say to ease your pain.

   Ava is absolutely gorgeous, and always will be. A quote I thought of from the movie Steel Magnolias is, “She will always be young, she will always be beautiful”…and luckily, you have your beautiful pictures to admire and inspire others.

   I have a 1 and 1/2 year old boy, and I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child…my heart goes out to you and your family. I know this has to be the hardest thing, leaving…maybe you could write down some of the things that are fondest in your memory about things she did/said in her room, or in the house in general…that way, you can read the entries whenever you need to feel close to Ava.

   I wish you and your family the best, and pray for you all every day. Stay strong…

   And remember, Ava is a symbol of love and beauty for soooooo many…

   Thank you for sharing.
   Hugs,
   Ami

   
4. clinka says:

   Every time I think about your move my eyes well up…
   Every time I think about your world without her my heart aches…

   Please find some solace in the fact that you are inspiring so many people, in so many ways. I know that can’t possibly make up for the missing and the aching, but your positive impact on others through your simple, honest words is outstanding.

   I couldn’t help but include you and Ava in my blog today. I hope it gives you a little smile.

   with love & light,
   jbxo

   
5. Melinda says:

   Oh my. Thoughts and prayers for you. I do think the memories will follow….. you do carry Ava in your heart. But your trepidation is so understandable.

   
6. Lea says:

   Oh honey we are all here holding your hand & propping you up when you need it most.
   Iloveyousomuch
   xxx

   
7. Pink Paris Match says:

   Sheye,

   My heart is so heavy for you. I have stumbled upon your blog completely by accident, yet I feel like know you like I know my best friend. I want so bad to take away all your pain, for the memories of your sweet Ava. She makes my heart stop…………and to just be still and listen to what life has to offer.
   I am also a photographer and artist. Your photoblog spoke volumes to me. I was so touched. It made me stop to think about LIFE and all that we take for granted. I thank you for that! I thank Ava! She is so beautiful! Thank you God for this beautiful girl!

   Julie Bergmann

   
8. Rita says:

   I wish for you too! Know that my thoughts are with you and your family. Ava is loved by so many and she will always be with you!

   
9. gina p. says:

   hold your memories tight…..
   you will make it.
   g -

   
10. Kaz says:

    Oh Sheye, Like so many others,I wish we could make this all so very different for you and your family.I always just want to reach out and hug you.Thinking of you always.Luv Kaz xoxo

    
11. Hollie says:

    I pray that you will find peace and comfort in the next 5 days, and so much happiness in your new home. Sweet sweet Ava will be with you every step you take…

    Sending a big hug to you all!

    
12. Danielle says:

    Dear Sheye,

    I know I’ve said you take Ava with you and I say that with the conviction of someone that knows how hard this is.

    In some respects the harder you hurt through this process the more honest you’re being with yourself and the more you heal. I know it feels so unbearable but you’ve done harder. I know you have. Nothing is as hard as the day you were forced to let her go and you’re doing this to build something for your family and Ava is a part of that.

    We never wanted to leave the last places that Belle touched but I close my eye’s and we see it all.

    We are forced into creating new memories and the pain does feel infinte but you’re on the search for glimpses of beauty and for Ava’s gifts and I know you’ll find them. She’s giving this to you.

    I know there really are no words.

    Sending loves Dxxxxx

    
13. becky says:

    having lost my daughter as well, i know what it’s like to go through the motion. my heart and love is with you and i know that the memories will follow. you are incredibly strong and i know you are helping others. just think of what an impact ava has been for many…millions probably!

    thank you for sharing such a personal experience with all of us. hugs…

    becky

    
14. Anonymous says:

    Hi Sheye – no words just wanted you to know that so many people are holding your hand through this time. SuperPrincess Ava included. Take care Janelle xxx

    
15. Anonymous says:

    I know that moving is going to be very difficult but you have to remember that Ava will follow… Yes her room and the house has memories but those memories will not even match up to the ones that you have in your heart. It is a good thing for you and your family to move. She will go right with you.

    
16. AnneMarie says:

    always in my prayers…
    AnneMarieZ

    
17. Toni says:

    Hi Sheye, the week before last our family dog was forgotten in my ex-husbands car & he died from the heat. We had him in our family for 9 years & we loved him so much & now we are mourning our loss. I thought of you often before then but I have thought of you many times every day since. He was loved but he was , after all,just a dog. he didn’t share his thoughts or hold our hand. I cry for him every day but I cannot imagine how it would be if he had been one of my children. I wish I could take some of your pain, that you could share it around with all the people who are feeling so much for you. Take care, Toni

    
18. Anonymous says:

    Sheye,

    I have been reading your blog for a while now and my heart aches for what you have gone through.

    It must be so hard to move on from the place that Ava knew and loved. So very brave but a step forward for you and your family that I am sure you will not regret.

    Good Luck with the move.

    Zoe

    
19. richandcaro says:

    Good Luck Sheye. Will be thinking of you. I am sure she is still be with you tickling your arms and hugging you.
    WHen you see that glimse out of the corner of your eye. Take another look and nothing is there. The beautiful pink sunsets she has been sending.

    Caro

    
20. Jen Gallacher says:

    You’ll be surprised to learn that she comes with you. That she will follow you around just as she did before. That those memories you’ve had there (good and bad) are so imprinted in your heart that they will move into your new place with you. My little man that I lost just last year is with me always, even in our new home in which he spent only a total of two days. They just stay with us. :)