Ava’s Armoire
While pregnant with Ava, I was addicted to Ebay. I’d found the perfect thing to feed my obsession for all things pink and well before she arrived, her cupboard was full. My user ID was Ava’s Armoire, French for Ava’s closet. I remember Mum just shaking her head in amazement at the dozens of gorgeous tiny dresses, all lined up patiently waiting.
I spent months and months preparing Ava’s room. I wanted to do as much as possible by hand..I am no Martha by any stretch but I was compelled to pour all my excitement and anticipation into that little space..I painted all of her furniture by hand – the cot, the change table, the curtain rings. I made little upholstered love hearts, searched for antique door handles and wore a path to the local paint shop searching out the perfect pastel pink . Crayton thought I’d gone mad and would roll his eyes at my non stop nesting…espescially after I announced I was not happy with my painting efforts and sent it all off to be professionally done! It had to be perfect.
Ava’s room has always been so much more to me than just a place for her to sleep – It’s contained all of my dreams and hopes and absolute elation at finally having a daughter. I spent many hours in that room before she arrived, wondering and waiting and imagining. Nine months. It took so long to go by.
The nine months since Ava left have gone so, so quickly. I’ve desperately wanted time to slow down, as the poem says – to stop all the clocks. I’ve spent many hours since February sitting in her room, still wondering and waiting and imagining but with an emptiness I struggle to describe. I can’t think about not being able to go into “Ava’s Room”. Not being able to peek into “Ava’s Armoire”. Not being able to see what she saw, for three years and six months. It’s too hard. So now I need to find new ways to spend time with Ava.
When we first found ourselves in this terrifying place, one of our social workers, Liz, said to me..”You have loved Ava in a certain way in life, now you just need to learn to love her in her absence”. Those words gave me such peace – a glimmer of hope that I would one day adjust. Ever so slowly, I can feel the transition. I don’t want to do it this way, I want to love Ava with her arms wrapped around me, big eyes looking up. I want to love her dancing in her tutu and I want to love her all sleepy in the morning. I will never accept that Ava not being here is okay but I will do everything I can to honour her memory, to somehow find peace in my days, to love her in her absence.
I wanted to share some of the special bits of Ava’s room.
Of course I couldn’t leave out her beloved “spottys”.
I guess it seems a little strange to photograph a pull-up but every mother knows that nappies and pull ups and underwear signify such markers in the life of a child. Ava only had one pull up left in the packet – she didn’t wear them that often anymore and said she was a big girl now and didn’t need them. Still, when I see that remaining pull up it makes my heart hurt, thinking she never did completely outgrow them like she should have.
Of course I have all her special things here, they will always be with me and I can look at them and remember but I realise now it’s so much more about the time spent in Ava’s room that matters most.
Your right. It’s the time and the memories that matter most…..not the things. I can’t imagine how hard it was for you to pack Ava’s room and I really have nothing to say except again how sorry I am. But you have Ava’s memories and those will stay with you forever and ever and ever.
Sheye ~ I just have no words. You always astound me with your ability to write but this post is heart breaking.
I look at Ava’s bed and remember the day we both sent each other a pic of “THE” bed we each took over 12 months to find… it was of course the same one!
I say with absolute honestly that you and your girl are in my thoughts every single day.
You are doing what Liz said ~ love oozes from this post and in addition to that, you are allowing so many others to love Ava too.
Love V xxx
Sheye… you show amazing strength, sharing your love for Ava with us! A simply beautiful post, Ava’s room… beautiful, but your memories of Ava, even more beautiful & you have them forever… sending big, big hugs to you today & everyday.
Love Tanya xxxx
I came across your blog from a friend who had talked about your darling Ava on her blog. Although I am worlds away from you I can feel your pain. You are such a strong person to be able to post such sweet pictures and to be able to share such tender memories. I can’t imagine what you go through on a daily basis with out her. You show such strength and it makes me want to be a better mom. Ava’s story really has touched my heart. My son is only 2 days older than her and the final picture of the pull up pulled at my heartstrings. Thank you for sharing your joys and your heartaches. You will forever be in my prayers. May the pain ease and the memories of Ava become stronger as the days pass.
Sheye,
I don’t even know you,but my heart aches for you.
We don’t understand why these things happen,until when we get to Heaven…Ava knows already why she had to leave so early.
I thought about the song:If you could see me now…
I’m praying for you and your family.
Sheye, you shown us into your world, and given us all the chance to hold Ava in our hearts and love her. The honesty and beauty of your words and images cut straight into my heart, and as a human, a mother and a woman I thank you so much.
I think you are stronger and better than most, your ability to love and share is astounding.
I can see Ava in her beautiful room, but I feel she has an even more beautiful room now, in your heart. It is perfect, and it will never need to be packed away.
God bless.
Sheye
Oh my…
What a beautiful room…
What a miss…
Your children are lucky.
In fact, you are too- after all…
Love
This is a beautiful post honey. I know how much this room meant to you. Amazing how one space can elicit so much emotion. I cannot help but look at that divine bed and remember when I came to pick up Aria and you said they had fallen asleep together, talking…and we crept in and they were wrapped up together in each others arms and legs (oh and aria had a fistfull of screws???!!!) and we both sighed out loud…what a magical little place that was.
But I want you to remember that YOU created that magical place…fit for a princess. And while Ava made it her own, you put your soul in to making it that way. Ava would love to know that you have all her pretty things close to you – whereever you end up in the world. Geography is one thing, but our special THINGS do mean a lot. xxxxxxx
oh Sheye, you are breaking my heart. her room is so absolutely perfect in every way. i had tears running down my face after looking at these photos and reading these words…my 6 year old daughter(who also has the beautiful name Ava.) was sitting there next to me and i just grabbed her and hugged her and she said “mama you are squeezing me too hard”….thank you for reminding me how precious life is and to never take anything for granted….
and thank you for sharing your heart.
tara
Sheye,
I just have no words…..
This post broke my heart, I can’t imagine how you feel or how you manage to get out of bed everyday.
I just wanted to let you know that I think of you and your lovely family often and I wish you all the very best.
L xx
Ava was such a lucky Princess!!!!!
beautiful as always.
jbxo
What a beautiful room. How lucky Ava was to have a Mummy who loved her so much and created such a beautiful space for her.
Wishing you a peaceful Christmas with your family Sheye. I hope you can find some joy in the season. Thinking of you all.
Zoe
Sheye, I’m finding it hard to put my feelings into words – I wish I had your talent for writing. All I can say is thank you…I am so grateful that you shared Ava’s room.
I’m happy to know your move is completed. I wish you and your family much joy this Christmas as you settle into your new life.
I have a question for you. Lately, I’ve found myself wondering about “grandad”. I know how close he is to you and your children. At the risk of being nosy, how is he doing lately and how is he handling your move?
Tami, Nevada, USA
you are so right, but i can understand your feelings with that room. to day my daughter is five years, and she was so happy when she opened two ava pictures- ava in bed an at the caruselle. she carry her ava buttons with her and we are thinking that ava is playing in her room with her.
send all my love to your beautiful daughter. she is so, so, so beautiful. love from norway.
ok i was doing so well until i saw the pull up photo, then i cried
…my baby girl is just coming to the stage of not needing them and my hear breaks when i think of Ava at the same stage.
Moving up to big girl status. Such a small thing but so huge as well.
I adore reading your blog and it always makes me realize that i need to pay attention to the little things.
Love to you and your family
Oh my. How very lovely both room and princess. I’m sure the words “Ava’s Armoire” have a different meaning to you now…. as a place to store not things but tender moments and memories. Beauty full.
i cry EVERY time i come here. thank you for sharing. i simply can not express to you how much your pictures have impacted my life. what a blessing to have such a gift… for ava will truly never be forgotten.
and i LOVE what your social worker said to you. certainly brings perspective to it.
{cross pacific hugs}