..that she wore for the first time today.

Believe it or not, Ivy has not been in our pool until this week. Before February Crayte was always busy taking Ava around the pool and Ivy didn’t know enough to pest to go in..After February, well..we just haven’t been swimming a great deal and seeing as we only have weeks left in this house, we decided it was time she should. So her with new (still too big) bikini and me with camera, we ventured down.

It seems such a simple thing, taking your child for a swim, but to us in our New Universe..it is so much more. It was so hard to see Ivy toddle down that path to the pool, to her Dad..into his arms. Splashing and playing and loving it – she would have no idea just how heavy our hearts felt or the enormity of the missing and the remembering and the wishing.

We never want Ivy to miss out, we want her to have the life she would have had with her sister but it’s such an enormous task..every single day… to just find moments of absolute joy and not think of what would have been.

She should be here.

For my first full shoot in a while, I could not have asked for a sweeter family. It’s not hard work when the subjects look like this and it’s just so enjoyable when they’ve got beautiful natures too. Thankyou Allie, I had a lovely afternoon with you all.

is what we call him. Lately, he never, ever lets me take his photo. I plead, beg, bribe and threaten but it invariably gets ugly and I always give up – it’s just not worth the drama. Today, for reasons unknown, he decided to play nice. He posed, he smiled, he didn’t complain once. (I wonder if he was storing up brownie points in preparation for his request tonight to go to school with blue hair tomorrow?)

Ava’s favourite pair of shoes were red with white spots. She wanted to wear them every day – she called them her “spottys”. Not long ago, Ivy found them in Ava’s cupboard and instantly fell in love. I’ve been okay with letting her wear them a little around the house, even if they were three sizes too big, just because her little face lit up so much when she’d see them. I knew there would come a time where I’d have to take them back and put them away safely – they’re just too precious to risk getting ruined.

The last night we shared with Ava, she said that Ivy could wear her shoes when she got bigger, and then added that she could wear all of her things. I told her she was a lovely sister for sharing. To put those spotty shoes away this week was so hard. It’s not what we planned. It’s not right. I wanted Ivy to be able to wear those shoes until they wore out. To love them and feel special in them, just like her sister did.

Maybe my sweet Ava knew of my struggle with those shoes because, only days later, I found Ivy her very own pair. I wasn’t looking for them, they just were. And to see Ivy’s face when I pulled them out today, it almost feels okay.